Having a **** time and scared myself last week...
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 5
Having a **** time and scared myself last week...
Hi Everyone,
I'm new to this site, hence posting here.
I have had a slightly unhealthy relationship with alcohol since my early twenties. It started during the break down of my first relationship, I had been with my boyfriend since I was 17, he was my best friend but I just didn't love him anymore. I was terrified of losing him as a friend. Anyway, I'm ashamed to say that I started cheating on him with a colleague of mine and I drank to get rid of the guilt and anxiety that brought me.
Since then I have pretty much viewed alcohol as my 'go to' thing whenever I feel tense, upset, stressed etc. I was always a binge drinker, I would drink with the view of forgetting my worries.
Anyway I managed to get a grip of it in my late twenties, giving up completely for a few years. Managed through my pregnancy with my daughter no problem and since she was born haven't really drunk that much, In fact, I had actually completely gone off it. I did not drink at all in 2015 and up until November last year, I could count on one hand the number of times I had drunk (and even then they were only a glass of wine per occasion).
So what happened in November that has led me here? I'm sorry this may be upsetting and/or triggering for some people and I apologise in advance if it upsets people. My daughter (aged 5) blurted out one evening that her dad (who I am not with, split up with when pregnant but who has always been around for my daughter etc) had been touching her inappropriately. I contacted social services, and together with the police they have interviewed her 3 times where she has disclosed to them the same. She also had to undergo an medical examination which just broke my heart. Ex is not allowed to see daughter whilst there is a police investigation. No one knows at this point whether there is enough evidence for this to go to trial. It came as a complete shock and I am totally devastated by it. My ex was always a bit of t**t to me but I always thought he was a good dad and therefore never had any suspicions.
So since November I have been progressively drinking more and more to cope with the sometimes overwhelming feelings of anger, grief, sadness, anxiety etc. It started with me buying a couple of mini bottles of wine maybe once or twice a week to full on binges where I might drink a bottle and a half on a night. Not every night but I have been concerned for awhile now that it is getting out of hand. I know that I have to be strong for my daughter and I can't be the second parent who lets her down by being so irresponsible.
I have managed up to a few weeks of staying dry but sometimes I get so wound up with the emotions that I really crave a drink to take the pain away.
What really scared me last week, and which I am thoroughly ashamed about, is that one night I finished a half bottle of wine that was in the fridge from earlier in the week. Even though it was late, I decided that I NEEDED more so took my little girl
to the nearby shop to buy another bottle. It was quite late and I feel awful for taking her out and so ashamed and embarrassed if someone I knew saw me buying booze at a time that would be well beyond my daughter's bedtime. I chose a bottle of Cava which ended up fizzing all over the kitchen anyway. But I just feel like I need a slap round the face. I can't tell you how guilty I feel. What if I had got caught, or someone questioned me what I was doing? I don't want to be this mum who takes their little kid to the shop at night to buy booze!!! Also if my daughter's case doesn't go to trial, my ex will probably try to gain some kind of access again and I just can't give him any kind of ammo against me. I'm so angry at him, not just what he has done to my beautiful girl but also what it is doing to me.
I rang my parents the next day and they have been very supportive. Gave me a bit of a slap on wrist but overall were empathetic about the situation. I asked them if they could help pay towards some private counselling for me (I'm on various free counselling waiting lists, but the wait is looong).
Sorry this is so long, hopefully you don't mind me spilling my guts out on my first thread x
I'm new to this site, hence posting here.
I have had a slightly unhealthy relationship with alcohol since my early twenties. It started during the break down of my first relationship, I had been with my boyfriend since I was 17, he was my best friend but I just didn't love him anymore. I was terrified of losing him as a friend. Anyway, I'm ashamed to say that I started cheating on him with a colleague of mine and I drank to get rid of the guilt and anxiety that brought me.
Since then I have pretty much viewed alcohol as my 'go to' thing whenever I feel tense, upset, stressed etc. I was always a binge drinker, I would drink with the view of forgetting my worries.
Anyway I managed to get a grip of it in my late twenties, giving up completely for a few years. Managed through my pregnancy with my daughter no problem and since she was born haven't really drunk that much, In fact, I had actually completely gone off it. I did not drink at all in 2015 and up until November last year, I could count on one hand the number of times I had drunk (and even then they were only a glass of wine per occasion).
So what happened in November that has led me here? I'm sorry this may be upsetting and/or triggering for some people and I apologise in advance if it upsets people. My daughter (aged 5) blurted out one evening that her dad (who I am not with, split up with when pregnant but who has always been around for my daughter etc) had been touching her inappropriately. I contacted social services, and together with the police they have interviewed her 3 times where she has disclosed to them the same. She also had to undergo an medical examination which just broke my heart. Ex is not allowed to see daughter whilst there is a police investigation. No one knows at this point whether there is enough evidence for this to go to trial. It came as a complete shock and I am totally devastated by it. My ex was always a bit of t**t to me but I always thought he was a good dad and therefore never had any suspicions.
So since November I have been progressively drinking more and more to cope with the sometimes overwhelming feelings of anger, grief, sadness, anxiety etc. It started with me buying a couple of mini bottles of wine maybe once or twice a week to full on binges where I might drink a bottle and a half on a night. Not every night but I have been concerned for awhile now that it is getting out of hand. I know that I have to be strong for my daughter and I can't be the second parent who lets her down by being so irresponsible.
I have managed up to a few weeks of staying dry but sometimes I get so wound up with the emotions that I really crave a drink to take the pain away.
What really scared me last week, and which I am thoroughly ashamed about, is that one night I finished a half bottle of wine that was in the fridge from earlier in the week. Even though it was late, I decided that I NEEDED more so took my little girl
to the nearby shop to buy another bottle. It was quite late and I feel awful for taking her out and so ashamed and embarrassed if someone I knew saw me buying booze at a time that would be well beyond my daughter's bedtime. I chose a bottle of Cava which ended up fizzing all over the kitchen anyway. But I just feel like I need a slap round the face. I can't tell you how guilty I feel. What if I had got caught, or someone questioned me what I was doing? I don't want to be this mum who takes their little kid to the shop at night to buy booze!!! Also if my daughter's case doesn't go to trial, my ex will probably try to gain some kind of access again and I just can't give him any kind of ammo against me. I'm so angry at him, not just what he has done to my beautiful girl but also what it is doing to me. I rang my parents the next day and they have been very supportive. Gave me a bit of a slap on wrist but overall were empathetic about the situation. I asked them if they could help pay towards some private counselling for me (I'm on various free counselling waiting lists, but the wait is looong).
Sorry this is so long, hopefully you don't mind me spilling my guts out on my first thread x
Magsie
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: UK
Posts: 26,640
Hi bluenightshade, welcome to SR.
So sorry for you and your daughters experience with ex. What he did is unforgivable and terrible.
I too used drink as my go to, when things were tough. Thing is then any excuse for a drink, good or bad.
Im pleased you found us. This is a great site for help and support.
So sorry for you and your daughters experience with ex. What he did is unforgivable and terrible.
I too used drink as my go to, when things were tough. Thing is then any excuse for a drink, good or bad.
Im pleased you found us. This is a great site for help and support.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,368
Hi and welcome bluenightshade.
I couldn't imagine something much worse for a parent to hear...but if it's devastating for you, it must be even more so for your little girl.
She needs you, together, strong and capable...able to be there at any hour...and that means sober.
Noone expects you to be a superhero of course - but you're not alone - there's a ton of support and understanding here.
I'm glad that you've found us.
D
I couldn't imagine something much worse for a parent to hear...but if it's devastating for you, it must be even more so for your little girl.
She needs you, together, strong and capable...able to be there at any hour...and that means sober.
Noone expects you to be a superhero of course - but you're not alone - there's a ton of support and understanding here.
I'm glad that you've found us.
D
Member
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: Adelaide, Australia
Posts: 28,642
My empathy, compassion and support for you and your daughter. Perhaps see a counsellor about your feelings? A fresh, confidential and non judgemental view may help you make some informed decisions and cope with ongoing support a little better . Take care and be safe. Keep posting.
Whatever it takes - just for today.
Join Date: Dec 2016
Location: Canberra, Australia
Posts: 200
Welcome Blue,
I am so very sad and so sorry for what has happened to your Daughter. The fact your Daughter felt safe enough to tell you says a lot about you as a parent. It says you are a good, loving and protective Mother. You acted straight away and that is wonderful. You have shown your Daughter she is safe.
Have your parents said they are able to assist with private counselling? Talking through these feelings that you are having will be very important for you I feel.
This forum is a wonderful place for support. I used alcohol to drown out many feelings that I thought I could not handle sober. I'm finding I can handle them now, it's a matter of finding the right support and tools to help you navigate through them. I go to AA, read and post here and meditate. I also try and remind myself that when feelings overwhelm me I do not have to act on them, eventually they will pass on their own.
Prayers to you and your Daughter, keep posting, we are listening.
I am so very sad and so sorry for what has happened to your Daughter. The fact your Daughter felt safe enough to tell you says a lot about you as a parent. It says you are a good, loving and protective Mother. You acted straight away and that is wonderful. You have shown your Daughter she is safe.
Have your parents said they are able to assist with private counselling? Talking through these feelings that you are having will be very important for you I feel.
This forum is a wonderful place for support. I used alcohol to drown out many feelings that I thought I could not handle sober. I'm finding I can handle them now, it's a matter of finding the right support and tools to help you navigate through them. I go to AA, read and post here and meditate. I also try and remind myself that when feelings overwhelm me I do not have to act on them, eventually they will pass on their own.
Prayers to you and your Daughter, keep posting, we are listening.
Giving up is NOT an option.
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Western Wisconsin
Posts: 7,808
Oh, my heart is just breaking for your daughter and you. What a horrible thing. As a parent I can understand your anger and sadness - even though I have not been through that situation. I do strongly encourage counseling for you and your daughter as soon as possible. I hope your parents can help with this. I'm not sure where you live (US or somewhere else), but be careful what you tell the counselor about your drinking. Here in the US, and probably most places, if a counselor feels a child is in actual danger they have to report it to the authorities. I don't think you have put your child in any danger, but just be a bit careful what you say - it's up to the judgement of an individual what constitutes "danger." I'm not trying to scare you, I believe you are already scared enough. Wishing you the absolute best - and do consider getting help and support to quit drinking also. The fact you are here says you are really concerned about the drinking and ready to take steps to stop.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,469
This is a terrible situation for your daughter and she needs you now and will need you to help her as she grows and deals with this despicable behaviour from her father. I hope that you consider getting therapy for her to help her and for yourself, too.
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 5
Hi,
Thanks for all your kind messages.
The day started pretty rocky, only managed about 3 hours sleep and so found it difficult to get out of bed this morning. Managed to get to work on time. The first part of the day I felt pretty miserable, just very wobbly and anxious but as the day went on I started to feel a bit better.
My mum dropped my daughter off in the evening (her school was shut today) and it was lovely to see her. I'm so proud of her, despite everything she is so happy and full of life.
I just feel so paranoid about last week. I'm worried that someone might of seen me and my daughter on our late night trip to the shops and reported us to the authorities. I had some parcels delivered next door today as I was in work, and my neighbour dropped them by when I returned. I then started fretting that maybe she knows something and thinks I'm this terrible person.
I really felt the anxiety creeping in on my way home, felt like a drink would just take the edge off it. So stupid. But I haven't caved. I'm determined to knock it on the head. I'm so glad I found this forum, I have lots of close friends and family that I feel comfortable and safe enough to tell them what is going on with my daughter and her dad but I just feel too ashamed to tell anyone the true scale of my alcohol problem, which is once I start I can't stop.
Thanks for all your kind messages.
The day started pretty rocky, only managed about 3 hours sleep and so found it difficult to get out of bed this morning. Managed to get to work on time. The first part of the day I felt pretty miserable, just very wobbly and anxious but as the day went on I started to feel a bit better.
My mum dropped my daughter off in the evening (her school was shut today) and it was lovely to see her. I'm so proud of her, despite everything she is so happy and full of life.
I just feel so paranoid about last week. I'm worried that someone might of seen me and my daughter on our late night trip to the shops and reported us to the authorities. I had some parcels delivered next door today as I was in work, and my neighbour dropped them by when I returned. I then started fretting that maybe she knows something and thinks I'm this terrible person.
I really felt the anxiety creeping in on my way home, felt like a drink would just take the edge off it. So stupid. But I haven't caved. I'm determined to knock it on the head. I'm so glad I found this forum, I have lots of close friends and family that I feel comfortable and safe enough to tell them what is going on with my daughter and her dad but I just feel too ashamed to tell anyone the true scale of my alcohol problem, which is once I start I can't stop.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2015
Location: Las Vegas
Posts: 1,486
Welcome Bluenightshade,I'm sorry for all of this,it's awful but your daughter really need a strong mom right now more than ever, I too was sexually abused at 7 by my biological dad and my mom didn't believe me until years later cuz she was in a drunken stupor all the time! Your little girl is very lucky to have you..be there for her,if by chance anybody seen you out that night they don't know if you were going on an emergency milk run or something, I'm just glad you took her with you instead of running"real quick" leaving her alone and in more danger as I've done in the past,I wish you all the best honey
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 5
Thanks for your messages
Tonight I feel very agitated and stressed. Had a busy day at work, stressful school run in the morning, and my little one is refusing to stay in bed so wine sounds absolutely fantastic right now. I have managed to not go near it though. I know that I can't just have one glass, if I start I can't stop until I fall asleep. I have now been off it for a whole week. I've tried to be nice to myself this week, eating healthily and even had a massage the other day on my day off. Hope I can keep it up.
Tonight I feel very agitated and stressed. Had a busy day at work, stressful school run in the morning, and my little one is refusing to stay in bed so wine sounds absolutely fantastic right now. I have managed to not go near it though. I know that I can't just have one glass, if I start I can't stop until I fall asleep. I have now been off it for a whole week. I've tried to be nice to myself this week, eating healthily and even had a massage the other day on my day off. Hope I can keep it up.
LoveHateMerlot
Join Date: Mar 2017
Location: Texas
Posts: 68
This is my very first day here, bluenightshade, and reading everyone's stories. How horrible what you are facing! I'm so sorry. I'm so happy to hear you are sober and going strong! Way to go, Mommy! This is my first day....tonight's going to be pretty rough, but I'm glad I joined this online community for help and support. Tonight I'll be buying root beer and candy instead of a bottle of merlot.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,368
Hi bluenightshade
Come check out the Class of March support thread - it's for everyone quitting this month - all you need to do to join is post
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...rt-one-17.html
There's a lot of support there 24/7
D
Come check out the Class of March support thread - it's for everyone quitting this month - all you need to do to join is post
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...rt-one-17.html
There's a lot of support there 24/7
D
Ant73
Join Date: Mar 2017
Location: UK
Posts: 21
Really sorry to read this and the pain you must be going through. Remember though that drink will only numb you up for a short time and it's only going to make you feel worse, nothing changes and those worries you have will only vanish temporary. Please don't go down that road ! Been there ,done it and got the T shirt ! I can understand in a way why you've turned to drink but it's not not gonna change anything. You're doing well to keep off it and keep it up ! Have another massage if it helps!
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 5
Thanks Ant, those are wise words indeed. Intellectually I know that it doesn't help and that it will just make me feel worse in the long run, but that never seems to stop me in the past getting wasted to get rid of demons.
I have managed to stay off the alcohol although tonight is particularly difficult. I have had to deal with my daughter having a meltdown on the way back from school and then I've just been on my feet until about 5 mins ago when I finally got her to bed. My stress levels were starting to get pretty high and I could've really done with some wine!
I've tried to be really healthy today, I did have another massage actually! I have these knots in my shoulders have actually crunch when kneaded and I probably will continue to have them regularly for the time being. I've also eaten quite healthily (lots of fruit and veg, fish etc) and drank an ocean of water. So far, so smug but I know I can't get complacent, I know from previous experience that I have the potential to cave in to the cravings and 'need' to block everything out so I know that I'm still in for the long haul. I guess I need to develop more healthy coping mechanisms.
I have managed to stay off the alcohol although tonight is particularly difficult. I have had to deal with my daughter having a meltdown on the way back from school and then I've just been on my feet until about 5 mins ago when I finally got her to bed. My stress levels were starting to get pretty high and I could've really done with some wine!
I've tried to be really healthy today, I did have another massage actually! I have these knots in my shoulders have actually crunch when kneaded and I probably will continue to have them regularly for the time being. I've also eaten quite healthily (lots of fruit and veg, fish etc) and drank an ocean of water. So far, so smug but I know I can't get complacent, I know from previous experience that I have the potential to cave in to the cravings and 'need' to block everything out so I know that I'm still in for the long haul. I guess I need to develop more healthy coping mechanisms.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,981
Originally Posted by bluenightshade 
Thanks Ant, those are wise words indeed. Intellectually I know that it doesn't help and that it will just make me feel worse in the long run, but that never seems to stop me in the past getting wasted to get rid of demons.
I have managed to stay off the alcohol although tonight is particularly difficult. I have had to deal with my daughter having a meltdown on the way back from school and then I've just been on my feet until about 5 mins ago when I finally got her to bed. My stress levels were starting to get pretty high and I could've really done with some wine!
I've tried to be really healthy today, I did have another massage actually! I have these knots in my shoulders have actually crunch when kneaded and I probably will continue to have them regularly for the time being. I've also eaten quite healthily (lots of fruit and veg, fish etc) and drank an ocean of water. So far, so smug but I know I can't get complacent, I know from previous experience that I have the potential to cave in to the cravings and 'need' to block everything out so I know that I'm still in for the long haul. I guess I need to develop more healthy coping mechanisms.
I have managed to stay off the alcohol although tonight is particularly difficult. I have had to deal with my daughter having a meltdown on the way back from school and then I've just been on my feet until about 5 mins ago when I finally got her to bed. My stress levels were starting to get pretty high and I could've really done with some wine!
I've tried to be really healthy today, I did have another massage actually! I have these knots in my shoulders have actually crunch when kneaded and I probably will continue to have them regularly for the time being. I've also eaten quite healthily (lots of fruit and veg, fish etc) and drank an ocean of water. So far, so smug but I know I can't get complacent, I know from previous experience that I have the potential to cave in to the cravings and 'need' to block everything out so I know that I'm still in for the long haul. I guess I need to develop more healthy coping mechanisms.
I would suggest therapy, perhaps also with your daughter so you can develop healthy ways to deal with the stresses and other issues.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2016
Posts: 110
Hi bluenightshade...I'm so glad you found this forum and posted your struggles here. My little sister first remembers her abuse when she was 5 but she didn't share that with anyone until she was 14. Thank God that your daughter shared this with you sooner rather than later.
It is so hard to believe there are such deviant people in the world, let alone your own daughter's father.
It sounds like you really need to find a way to change your "mind" and find different ways to cope with the stress and the pain (I can totally relate to the pain in your upper body btw!)...as you said intellectually you know drinking will only make it worse and only provides such a short term relief.
You are eating well and drinking tons of water and it sounds like the massages help...can you add exercise and lots of stretching/yoga maybe to help with the physical pain and stress?
It is so hard to believe there are such deviant people in the world, let alone your own daughter's father.
It sounds like you really need to find a way to change your "mind" and find different ways to cope with the stress and the pain (I can totally relate to the pain in your upper body btw!)...as you said intellectually you know drinking will only make it worse and only provides such a short term relief.
You are eating well and drinking tons of water and it sounds like the massages help...can you add exercise and lots of stretching/yoga maybe to help with the physical pain and stress?
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