hugbear

Last posted in October when I thought i was ready to give up boozing for good. My heart wasn't in it then and it isn't now but I'm realising I have a massive bingeing problem which will get the better of me soon if I don't stop.

Last night I went to a party with my partner and stayed sober as I was driving. Got home at midnight and drunk a bottle of wine as a reward to myself. I know it's messed up thinking to think of alcohol as a reward but there it is.

I've been a heavy drinker for about 20 years now. I drink to cover the fact I have such low self esteem and I can be free of hating myself. Im sober during the week but binge at weekends. I am plagued by regret and unfulfilled hopes of what I could've achieved if I'd been more confident and less self conscious.

I have a good life and a loving partner who doesn't think I have a problem. I so tired of feeling like I am letting him down.

I'm so glad this community exists as I know I'm not alone. I just need the strength to resist the AV.

Thanks everyone.

resolute50

Welcome back.
It's crazy how our mind works when it comes to rewards or just wanting to escape. That mind set had to be changed so that true recovery can begin.
Glad you have learned from it.

saoutchik

Hi hugbear, congratulations on realising you have a binge drinking problem. I suppose it might be worthwile looking to see if there is any help available to overcome your low self esteem which seems to be the underlying cause of your drinking.

Hevyn

Welcome, hugbear - you came to a good place for understanding & encouragement.

I had to be ready too. I tried a couple times but wasn't convinced I couldn't be a social drinker. I cost myself so much grief & misery trying to prove I could have a few now and then. I'm very self-conscious too - but drinking was the worst thing I could have done to myself. It doesn't help - we don't grow or learn to feel better about ourselves. It just adds to our anxiety. Life is so much better when we're free of it. You can do this.

Dee74

Hi and welcome back hugbear - I think your heart must be in it a little or you wouldn't be posting here.

I do understand tho - even tho my drinking nearly killed me I wasn't sure if I could make a forever commitment...I knew I had to quit but wanting to was another animal...

but I threw myself into the community here, posting and reading, and I began to see that not only was lasting recovery possible but these people seemed happy and at peace with it.


I got past the ups and downs of early recovery, with support, and I got to a place where I was starting to rediscover the real me, a me I'd completely forgotten about, a me that alcoholism and addiction had hidden for years.

Once I rediscovered that person, and began to see the real cost of my drinking to me and those I love, I couldn't go back.

I have a life now I could only dream of a drinker.

I hope you decide to stick it out

D

hugbear

Thanks for the encouraging words. I do think I've come to a turning point - the fact that my consumption is highest when I'm drinking alone is starting to scare me.

The last week has been rough. I found out my first boyfriend passed away a year ago and it's spiralled me into a huge soul-searching crisis. I hadn't seen him for a while but I still feel really sad. I think it reminds me of how young I was and how life was full of possibilities, now its just failed dreams and unrealized ambitions.

My self esteem has always been pretty non-existent due to childhood bullying. When I discovered alcohol it was like a magic cure but sure enough I overdid it my youth and got a reputation as the drunk girl which I don't think ill ever shake off.

I will certainly stick around on SR, the people here are so genuine and non-judgmental.

Tomorrow will be better. Thanks.☺

MicroMacro

You're free to start changing your reality today.

That's the truth.

You absolutely do not have to go to bed tomorrow night feeling the same way you do today. I had to start incorporating new habits and focuses into my life. I had to replace drinking with going back to school. Recovery programs weren't enough.

Everyone's path may or may not be different, but everyone has one.

"As you start to walk out on the way, the way appears." ~ Rumi

PhoenixJ

Do you get professional support to work through the reasons for your low self esteem?

fini

how life was full of possibilities, now its just failed dreams and unrealized ambitions

hugbear, here's the thing:
getting and staying sober brings back possibilities.
guaranteed.
whether you take lifeup on them or not is a different matter, but sobriety brings possibility.

i hope you stick around.

least

Welcome to the family. I hope our support can help you get sober for good.

Hevyn

Thinking of you, Hugbear. Hope it's going ok today.

MissPerfumado

Hi there hugbear.

I was "drunk girl" too. Many of us were either drunk girl or drunk guy. But here's the thing: people have short memories and normally are more interested in themselves and their own lives than worrying about others.

It took 6 months (tops) to stop being drunk girl in people's minds. Now I am "healthy girl" or even ... goody-two-shoes girl (what a laugh that one still is!).

Focus on moving forward, on sobriety, and then on your future. With some sober time, you can work on your self-esteem. We all are just growing with each day, and learning from our past is part of that process.

hugbear

Hi all, thanks again for being there. Day 2 and I am still feeling low but not to meltdown stage where I need to drink.

I joined Moodgym today as a way to kick start mending my self esteem. I thought if I try to complete the programme it's a positive step forward.

One area it focuses on is the need for approval from others and as much as I hate to admit it, my unconscious is hardwired to seek approval from everyone - even people I don't like. Need to work on this as I don't need validation from idiots who make me feel bad.

I think the 'drunk girl' rep isnt as bad as it once was but I know some of my oldest friends will always view me that way. They think because I haven't had children I am constantly partying when I'm not. The binges usually happen when I'm alone at home and I'm in a sad place.

Anyway I will post again tomorrow - hopefully with some better insights about what this all means and where I'm headed.

Night all. X

MsCooterBrown

I like thinking about a good nights sleep. Tomorrow is a brand new day. When I go thru bouts of sadness I try to drop off with positive thoughts that I repeat to myself. Sometimes...it actually works!