Misc72

I'm here on SR daily silently reading and liking posts and following threads.
I found that when I reached out more I did better with sobriety. I have been on again off again this past 18 months with sobriety. I've been in a state of denial and confusion. I know what it does and I know what to do. Then why do I allow myself to go there. Lately the times I have drank have been o.k. But it's always like that at first until it's not o.k.
I'm not a binger like some I read about here that stay drunk for days at a time. But I like to go out and party. Just for a night. Just once in a while. So I tell myself if I'm having fun and nothing bad happens then why can't I? But I can't and I shouldn't. I'm just exhausted from being obsessed with drinking and from being obsessed about not drinking.

I do know, I can't be the person I want to be if I'm drinking. And I can't be the person I want to be if I'm not drinking. I know this is confusing and this is driving me insane. Help get me back on my sobriety track. I did it for 18 months, 18 months ago. So there, I lived sober for that long and now I haven't been totally committed to sobriety and I really do want to get back to that place. Hummm and ugh! I stopped going to SMART meetings and maybe it's time to go again...

If I could get back these last 18 months of playing with fire I would... But what is done is done... time to re-focus and re-commit myself.

stillsleeping

Hello!

They all sound like great reasons to quit and I'm very happy to send you all the encouragement you need! Lovely to hear from you.

Gilmer

It's good that you're back here. I recommend joining the Class of March 2017 thread. I'm in the Class of March 2013, and the little band of peers has really knit together to provide all manner of support for one another, from the baby steps of getting sober to the life challenges we face as we learn to live as mature sober adults.

Going. Ack to your SMART meetings would be helpful, too. Throw everything you can at sobriety: if you work hard and stay focused, something will stick!

MsCooterBrown

Stay with us. I keep in mind that it isn't the amount of alcohol (I put away my fair share over the years...turned into daily)...or how often. If you wonder if you have a problem ....most likely you do. One other thing I heard that helps me stay on track. Normal drinkers do not obsess about alcohol. I got kicked out of the normal drinker catagory in my early teens. We can do this. Together.

Delizadee

Hey sunshine,
When I felt like I had good sobriety under me but then kept returning to drinking, I found I had to double down on my efforts. I am not entirely sure how SMART meetings work, but do you have sober supports you can reach out to? A mentor or sponsor?
Would you be up for adding more meetings into your week, even if they are different types of groups?
Have you thought of or do you have an addictions counselor?
Have you made a recovery plan?
I second what Gilmer said, joining a class is a wonderful peer support.
Remember to be kind to yourself right now. You CAN do this if you want it bad enough

thomas11

You've had sober time so you know what it entails. It requires some sacrifice but also many benefits. If you are addicted, professional help may be the best option. If you are not addicted and just questioning your judgement, well stick around. People here will help you think through that issue.

Misc72

This is why I'm frustrated with myself. I did have sober time and it was so awesome. A few horrible tragedies happened in my life and well I guess I was not strong enough to handle life at that time. So I talked myself into drinking again. 18 months later and not drinking often but feeling really ashamed of myself when I do. I want to be in the mindset I was in when I gave it up in 2013 for 18 months. I'll get there just needing some help and encouragement to get me started. SR is awesome in this regard. Thank you for your encouragement. I know there are some folks here that have heard my stories in the past. Just don't give up on me. I'm still here. I'm still interested in sobriety. Wish it didn't have to be the all or none, but it is.

Misc72

Went ahead and joined March thread. Why not... there are others there like me who keep trying. I will go to SMART this Monday. I loved that group anyway. I have discussed alcoholism with a therapist. She deemed me as an Adult Child of an Alcoholic and a Co-dependent person. Always to the rescue with my broom and dustpan ready to clean up other people's messes. But I also know I have self control issues once I start drinking. Not everytime but it's always a gamble. You know? I have a Recovery Plan template, that I never filled out. I need to work on that. Just didn't think I needed it because I hated alcohol so much before that it was easy breezy. It's a cunning lil bastard though. Sneaking up on us and taking us down. I usually associate myself with positive role models and always seeking self improvement so I think I'm doing good in that area. That is why I feel at conflict with myself for allowing drinking in my life at all. Kind of worried how the marriage will go. Husband likes drinking. He will support me though and he won't drink if I'm not. He also attends SMART meetings with me. But not really for himself. So I just know how all of this will shake down. So many events coming up. Concerts, social activities, travels. I'm going to have to make some rules now and stick to it. Thank you so much for asking me these questions and making me think.

least

I hope you can find the support you need to get sober for good.

MissPerfumado

Hi sunshine.

You sound like you've made a great start. Joining the March thread, going to SMART, discussing it with your therapist, and starting on the recovery plan.

You're right to look at the potential pitfalls, like extent of hubby's support, events coming up etc., but don't allow your AV to derail you because of them. Your husband sounds pretty supportive - on here you will find spouses / partners who are all along the spectrum in their support and it does come down to you and how committed you are to achieving sobriety for yourself.

The concerts etc., coming up - I'd take them as they come and ask yourself with each thing whether you are risking too much by going and if you decide to go through with them, what you are going to do with each event. I personally avoided concerts for a long time, and was super-careful with social events. I wasn't going to avoid them forever, I just needed to build some sober muscles first. I have to travel for work and a disproportionately large part of my plan dealt with this exact thing. Take nothing for granted with activities you will do sober that used to involve drinking (and there can be a lot of them!). Think, plan, forecast, role-play, strategise. But don't give in to the AV saying it's too hard to have a sober life and an enjoyable one.

ljc267

I think I get what you are saying.

For me, I was a fun drunk. Everybody loved being around me cause I was in a great mood and wanted everyone to have fun too whether they were drinking or not. Then, and I'm not sure when it happened, it stopped being fun. I drank because I needed it not because I wanted to have fun. I wish I could go back and be that way again but I can't. I miss that. I was, in a way, a better person. A better me if you will.

The good news is I don't have to be that guy to have a fulfilling life. And I know I am a much better person without alcohol and I'm sure you are too.

Misc72

Thank you and yes I have a full tool box. Just need to proactively use them every single day. So I am safe at the concerts, taking a sober friend to Anthrax. The Pixies I saw a few years ago when I was sober and it was the best concert ever! So I won't dare ruin that one with booze. Then there is Slayer and Lamb Of God. It helps to know lead singer of LOG is sober for a few years now. So I'm not sweating the concerts. I am nervous about a beach weekend trip we have been invited too. They base everything around drinking. Yikes. I know I need to cancel. I should just tell them the truth. Husband and I are going on a work/play trip to Key West, Florida and that is FREE BOOZE for a week. So I have until the end of May to flex my sober muscles and resist and and all temptation to pick up. Once I get the momentum back up and make this commitment in my mind then I wouldn't dare touch it. I've slipped though. And I need to change that. It's not even that I'm drinking a lot but it's that I can't stop thinking about drinking or thinking about not drinking. It's very frustrating. When I've made up my mind that I just don't drink then it doesn't even cross my mind. I'll work it out in my SMART meeting as well. Great people there and lots of musicians which I feel the most comfortable around. Thank you again for your encouragement. We all must stay vigilant. It sneaks up for sure.

LifeIsPretty

This sound like me almost 100%. 5 years ago I was drinking to have fun. I was able to drink two beers and stop. I am able to control myself and know exactly what I am doing. Now I can't anymore. Once I start one, it will be until I pass out.

Misc72

Yep and now black outs set in once I hit 40... So I never needed it physically, but to have fun definitly and I'm a FUN DRUNK for sure! But then it goes to far. I call it the journey to the buzz. That's the fun part. But then once full blown drunk kicks in... it's no longer fun, it's sad. It's scary. And even scarier that I would experience horrific hangovers, black out, do things out of character and then even consider drinking the same poison again... It's just insanity. But we do it... But I don't want to... anymore... and I've said this so many times. I'm still young and I can still do this. I have to have hope.

Misc72

Read in SR for hours last night. Getting the notion of moderate drinking out of my head. It just caused me so much stress and anxiety. I explained to my friends that has invited us to the beach house weekend trip what's going on. She says that's totally fine with them as long as I can handle being around them drinking. And I'm fine with that because once I've made up my mind about it then it is very easy to be around it and not partake. I could use this trip to the beach as well. And my friends are musicians so it will be very entertaining as well.

tomsteve

"I do know, I can't be the person I want to be if I'm drinking. And I can't be the person I want to be if I'm not drinking."

makes sense to me. what I learned, after I sobered up and started workin on me, is that I really didn't know who I was or how I wanted to be. I was uncomfortable in my own skin sober or drunk.
lots of work on me and im ok with who and what I am today.