So resentful, I just want to bolt.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2016
Posts: 8
So resentful, I just want to bolt.
I am 4 months clean and I'm half way through a recovery program for women. Pretty much half of my family is either in recovery or active addiction and my sister who is 16 years older has been clean for 7 years. Anyways, there was recently a new girl who came into my program a couple of weeks ago. At first, I really liked her. Then I started to realize she was a bit messed up, like compulsively lying about really bizarre stuff like being pregnant previously and having a stillbirth (and I actually lived in the small town she came from for 4 years and we know mutual people and so I know that these things are lies) and she's over the top attention/sympathy seeking during the program too, and even at meetings. She can turn on crocodile tears at the drop of a hat when certain staff or people walk in that she wants attention from. It's almost creepy. She is clingy and smothering, especially towards women and I have compassion for her in that I think it stems from a deep insecurity from not having a mother, her mother is still in active addiction. I tried to put up some unspoken boundaries and it was getting a little overwhelming and I started becoming a bit resentful. STILL, I wanted to be her friend and like her. Now, after meeting my sister passingly ONCE, she sought her out at a meeting packed full of people she actually knew and put on the whole sympathy seeking, emotionally manipulating crocodile tears act and then now has asked my sister to be her sponsor. Now I not only have to see her almost every single day in my program and at some NA meetings, now I have to see her at every NA meeting or function because she's leeched onto my sister now too. Now I feel like I can't share in the program because I can't trust her not to blab to my sister. I love and trust my sister a lot but my family has gone through a lot the last while, our mother passed away suddenly, my nephew, my sister's son, hung himself, 3 of her other kids are in active addiction, 1 is in recovery, and she doesn't need to have to worry about me on top of it all. There are a lot of things she doesn't know and it's better that way. I don't feel like I can even go to meetings now, it wont be helpful for me to sit there dying inside while I'm smothered by her presence. Even if I sit somewhere else, it will be obvious and why should I have to sit somewhere not with my own family? She'll even be in the vehicle most of the time on the way there and back. It's way too close and personal, there are sooo many people she could have asked, people she actually knows and she's never even heard my sister share in a meeting, she's barely even met her! I resent her so much now, I feel like I can't stand her. I feel like I hate her for invading and leeching into my personal space and life and family. I know I'm suppose to practice what I'm learning in my program, acceptance, boundaries, etc but it's not working and I don't know how to not be resentful about this. I'm sooo mad. I just want to get away from the situation and go back home (I live 4 hours away normally but I'm just here for the program). I'm not going to leave obviously but at this point I'm just avoiding anything to do with her except during my program where I have no choice. THANK GOD she is not in the same house as me.
Whatever it takes - just for today.
Join Date: Dec 2016
Location: Canberra, Australia
Posts: 200
Hi Azalea,
Well done on 4mths! And also sticking with your program, the single most important person in that program is you, so try hard to keep your focus there.
I do understand how you feel though I can't quite put into words why...still pretty new to sobriety myself. But I wanted to respond and say I totally get those feelings.
As you would know resentments are very dangerous for us so we need to find ways to let them go. She is obviously unwell and seeking help and perhaps is not aware of personal boundaries or social cues. The only thing I have learnt so far with resentments is praying for the person, they don't change, but I do somehow.
Can you talk to your Sister? Perhaps just to ask her to not discuss you with this person? Or ask this other person to not discuss you with your Sister? If your Sister has been in rovery for a while, no doubt she will see through any acts this person puts on. Remember she is your Sister and that wont change, you will always have that bond.
I think the best you can do is respectfully keep your distance and focus on you.
Hopefully others will be along to offer other points of view.
Well done on 4mths! And also sticking with your program, the single most important person in that program is you, so try hard to keep your focus there.
I do understand how you feel though I can't quite put into words why...still pretty new to sobriety myself. But I wanted to respond and say I totally get those feelings.
As you would know resentments are very dangerous for us so we need to find ways to let them go. She is obviously unwell and seeking help and perhaps is not aware of personal boundaries or social cues. The only thing I have learnt so far with resentments is praying for the person, they don't change, but I do somehow.
Can you talk to your Sister? Perhaps just to ask her to not discuss you with this person? Or ask this other person to not discuss you with your Sister? If your Sister has been in rovery for a while, no doubt she will see through any acts this person puts on. Remember she is your Sister and that wont change, you will always have that bond.
I think the best you can do is respectfully keep your distance and focus on you.
Hopefully others will be along to offer other points of view.
Now what?
Join Date: Feb 2017
Location: Oregon Coast
Posts: 100
Originally Posted by azalea333 
I am 4 months clean and I'm half way through a recovery program for women.
Anyways, there was recently a new girl who came into my program a couple of weeks ago.
Now, after meeting my sister passingly ONCE, she sought her out at a meeting ... and has asked my sister to be her sponsor.
Now I not only have to see her almost every single day in my program and at some NA meetings, now I have to see her at every NA meeting or function because she's leeched onto my sister now too.
I feel like I can't share in the program because I can't trust her not to blab to my sister. I love and trust my sister a lot but my family has gone through a lot the last while,
Anyways, there was recently a new girl who came into my program a couple of weeks ago.
Now, after meeting my sister passingly ONCE, she sought her out at a meeting ... and has asked my sister to be her sponsor.
Now I not only have to see her almost every single day in my program and at some NA meetings, now I have to see her at every NA meeting or function because she's leeched onto my sister now too.
I feel like I can't share in the program because I can't trust her not to blab to my sister. I love and trust my sister a lot but my family has gone through a lot the last while,
Your sister was in a position to create a boundary with this woman - at least while you're in treatment with her - and she didn't do it.
I think it's appropriate for you to bring this to your sister's attention - respectfully.
It is not appropriate for her to sponsor this woman while the two of you are in treatment together. Plain and simple. By sponsoring her while you're in treatment with her, she's created a triangle amongst the three of you. I'm not sure how she missed this, but she did. What can you say to your sister that will help her see that you need her help protecting your recovery here?
Is that something you feel comfortable / safe discussing with her?
I wouldn't bring this up to the woman you're in treatment with. She's still working on her stuff.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2016
Location: middle of nowhere
Posts: 2,849
Good job on 4 months!
This is only my take and what I would likely do in your situation. At least some things to consider.
First- do you have a counselor you could talk to? Or a sponsor? (sorry if I missed that)
Second, is it possible to seek out another meeting for a period of time? Personally, when I'm feeling so resentful, I have to remove myself from the situation and people. Then I have to do the inside work. I turn back to the steps, journaling, and I pray for those people and try to have empathy for them, while detaching. It takes work, time and space for me. I am too fresh in my sobriety and I have to put myself first, period.
At the end of the day the only person I have control over is myself. Trying to control things that are external to me is a fruitless, insanity provoking endeavour. I say the serenity prayer often. I go through the first 3 steps repeatedly and inventory myself. What do I find in myself that is bothering me about these behaviors in others? Often I find that a behaviour manifested in others that I feel resentful for is a reflection on some past or current internal struggle of shame, guilt or frustration at my own behaviours and choices.
Not saying this is true for you, but this is often true for me.
I have to turn things over to my Higher Power and pray for guidance or as you are doing, turn to others for support and ideas when I am really struggling.
These are the things I tell myself... comparison and resentment robs us of our joy and puts us at risk... Do the next right thing, we generally intuitively know what that is if we listen and think... And for me sometimes the best boundary is space. Lots and lots of space.
If you think a heart to heart with your sister would be helpful for you both, then do pursue it. But do so with good will, and without expectations.
Remember your sobriety, recovery and program is your own path to walk. Nobody can make you feel any one way if you let them. You are strong, smart and capable. Early recovery is like walking around with all your senses and nerves raw, frayed and exposed. Take care of you first, love yourself first.
xo
Del
This is only my take and what I would likely do in your situation. At least some things to consider.
First- do you have a counselor you could talk to? Or a sponsor? (sorry if I missed that)
Second, is it possible to seek out another meeting for a period of time? Personally, when I'm feeling so resentful, I have to remove myself from the situation and people. Then I have to do the inside work. I turn back to the steps, journaling, and I pray for those people and try to have empathy for them, while detaching. It takes work, time and space for me. I am too fresh in my sobriety and I have to put myself first, period.
At the end of the day the only person I have control over is myself. Trying to control things that are external to me is a fruitless, insanity provoking endeavour. I say the serenity prayer often. I go through the first 3 steps repeatedly and inventory myself. What do I find in myself that is bothering me about these behaviors in others? Often I find that a behaviour manifested in others that I feel resentful for is a reflection on some past or current internal struggle of shame, guilt or frustration at my own behaviours and choices.
Not saying this is true for you, but this is often true for me.
I have to turn things over to my Higher Power and pray for guidance or as you are doing, turn to others for support and ideas when I am really struggling.
These are the things I tell myself... comparison and resentment robs us of our joy and puts us at risk... Do the next right thing, we generally intuitively know what that is if we listen and think... And for me sometimes the best boundary is space. Lots and lots of space.
If you think a heart to heart with your sister would be helpful for you both, then do pursue it. But do so with good will, and without expectations.
Remember your sobriety, recovery and program is your own path to walk. Nobody can make you feel any one way if you let them. You are strong, smart and capable. Early recovery is like walking around with all your senses and nerves raw, frayed and exposed. Take care of you first, love yourself first.
xo
Del
Member
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: Adelaide, Australia
Posts: 28,647
Well done on 4 months azalea.. It is hard work. You are taking it all very seriously. Perhaps talk to someone you trust on the staff of the recovery program? That way it is confidential , you get to vent and hopefully get an 'outside' view that will help you think and feel your way through this maze. Do not quit on your program. Think of it as a challenge- what would you do in 'the real world' if faced with confrontations close to home?
12 Step Recovered Alcoholic
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 6,613
I wonder why God put her in your life. To drive you away from recovery? Or as an opportunity for you to grow? Growth is painful, but I can see some valuable experience coming out of this. Pray about it is what I would do.
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