nyala

So,

You know. I'm good. I'm OK. I know who I am at last. It's actually quite wonderful.

But I'm getting weary of dealing with life on life's terms. Because life is giving me a ton of lemons and I don't like lemonade.

Accepting I am an alcoholic - rather than just admitting it - has taken me the best part of nine months ( and that was after a year sober ).

And I have found great comfort in starting to surrender too. 'My way' hasn't worked and I need to just....let....go.

Which I have been doing, and it has worked for me. I feel I am better placed now, better than ever before in my life, to deal with whatever life throws at me.

But there is no reward for this is there ? Nothing but the absence of self-loathing, self pity, creating chaos, misery, procrastination, resentments, judging.

Those destructive traits are starting to leave me, and I am truly grateful.

I'm just struggling a little to find a way of rewarding myself for behaving like a normal well-balanced member of the human race.

Where's my medal ?

And could life just bugger off for a few weeks so I can get a little peace.


Thanks for listening.

Fradley


PS Good to be back. i love you all x

Grymt

Ok, well done on keeping sober. It sounds to me like you may have a couple of unresolved issues that stand in your way. Don't pick up. That's always number one. Whatever is holding you back is like a blank patch of un-knowing or something you're ignoring for some reason. Do you have some wise person around in your life you can talk about those very things you have mentioned here?

PhoenixJ

Can I join you F? BUGGER off life! (just for a little peace, just for a little while).

bluedog97

I can very much relate. As my other thread would indicate, my reward right now is college basketball as it gears up towards its pinnacle over the next few weeks. It gives me my escape from reality, where I can tune out the world.

You have to take what you can get I guess. It could be anything, other than picking up a drink. Something just to give yourself a respite from the daily irritations, inconveniences, slights, blunders, etc that plague our daily lives. A hobby maybe, or nature walk.

We all have our lemons. Sometimes we just have to accept them and be grateful for what we do have, while we work on making lemonade. And yea, you deserve a pat on the back.

NewRomanMan

I'm there. I'm not where I used to be, but I aint anywhere near where I want to be, either. I put up with the suck that life sends me because there are other ppl in my life who need me. There is sunshine as well, but as life tends to be cyclical right now I'm in suck cycle. It will pass. Always does. Just have to ride it out.

emme99

Fradley, it's good to see you
I wish you were feeling a little better, but I am glad you are here

Dee74

as requested "



seriously tho: I find living right is pretty much its own reward.

I got to the point where buying something special as a celebratory thing kinda lost it's lustre...things mean less to me now.

Many more good things happen to me because I'm not only putting out good vibes into the Universe (), but I'm also ready for any possibility and opportunity.

I look forward to life and hope for a long and happy future.
Thats good enough for me

D

Gottalife

On one hand, the idea of a reward for just doing what comes naturally to everyone else, seems a bit silly. But on the other hand, according to an article I read via this site a while back, and other items I have seen, some kind of reward or feeling of reward is a big part of why many people stay sober. The article I am thinking of quoted some research which showed that alcoholics/addicts who hepled other alcoholic /addict had nearly double the chance of staying sober.

That was my experience too. I remember my first experience along these lines/ I was newly sober, and my sponsor asked me to pick up this crazy lady and take her to a meeting, then bring her home again. This I did. I have no idea what ultimately happened to her, but I will never forget the feeling I had that goes with doing something really worthwhile, to help a fellow sufferer, without thought of reward. Yet it was the most rewarding experience. I wanted more of that.

Not quite recognition and a cake or something, but then I wouldn't like that kind of recogintion anyway, as it really isn't my doing.

There is a saying in AA, not heard much these days: "Service is its own reward". It is true in my experience.

nyala

Thank you everyone.

As ever with SR, it is comforting to discover one is not alone with a feeling.

The first sentence of my post sums it for me " I'm Good, I'm OK"

This was never, ever the case when I was drinking.

So this is my reward and I am grateful for this.


Go well!

Fradley

PhoenixJ

F- I try so hard to change my narrative. Starting with forced positive self talk.
I mentioned this to my counsellor- the mindful awareness bit, so for example when asked how I am- instead of my usual 'not bad'...I say not b...I am okay today thanks'. He is trying 9for my sake) to do the same thing. Same- instead of referring to my divorced wife as 'my ex', I will say her name. Out of respect and the fact she is NOT mine.

tomls

When I get the blahs sometimes I play the tape backwards and forwards and I feel better right away!

tomsteve

I had some very rough days for a while early on. learning to live life on lifes terms,after years of tryin to live life on my terms, was a wee bit frustrating.
then just when everything was starting make sense, I was diagnosed stage 3 metastatic melanoma. had a helluva 3 year fight.

some days, just being greatful to be able to be greatful helped tremendously.

enfinthechange

You have succinctly expressed the nub of my feelings too... blah....that seems to be it!

Fly N Buy

Sobriety is addition by subtraction, which you touch on here. As we "lose" things we gain - or at least remain available to all the possibilities life offers. Many of us feel as you do from time to time, likely. I appreciate your thread and honesty.

Recently a friend called me a 9:00 pm as he was with his family and had car problems not far from where I live. I was available to help him, which I did.

So this may not appear like much of reward, but to me it is the essence of the why. Why do I stay sober when I'd like to say screw it? Cause for maybe the first time in my life I truly believe in a greater good.

I have a physician friend who knows my story. His brother succumbed to addiction. My friend refers alcoholics to me from time to time if they seek information/help. A couple weeks back he sent me a text about a gent and closed by sending me this - You are a Godsend.

Really? Someone referred to this Ole Drunk as a Godsend?!? What an unlikely turn of events.

Maybe it's just my gratitude for sobriety or stage in life but remaining available to others - to the world in general - just remaining available is a dang good reward for me today.

What I use to call boredom I now call serenity.
Stay sober, remain available - help somebody. You've got plenty of mettle

nyala

Thank you everyone for your support.

Truly out of energy right now, but overwhelmingly grateful to be going to bed sober tonight.

Much love,

Fradley