halfalife

It's been a few weeks since I've committed to this and I know in my heart and mind it's what needs to change in my life.

Now that my mind is clearing at least a minute amount...my poor judgment, and poor decisions are circling.

I know how I got here, and it was a path paved with bad choices and anxiety ridden avoidance of things that were and still are present in my life...mostly avoidance of myself.

My last hangover was not a hangover...it was full on withdrawals after 5 nights of binging.

Anxiety keeps bringing to the surface a lot of shame and guilt for alI I have done to myself in the past (avoidance of others mostly kept my mess self-inflicting).

I will attend likely one mtg this week...being a drunk is lonely and being sober feels lonely too.

I'm scared this week...scared of failing and this monster creeping back to take my life.

Sober tonight, but very scared and very ashamed.

Dee74

Try not too focus too much on the guilt and shame.

Whats done cannot be changed.

If it helps any I've done more in the last ten years sober than I did in the previous 20 drinking.

It's the now that counts

D

halfalife

Thank you...went to the gym, made dinner and my lunch for tomorrow. Set out my uniform, did a load of wash. All my good nightly distractions. My reading before bed ritual also has helped.

I guess I'm scared a bit because I'm realizing a lot of what I have done in the past couple of years and I'm astounded by it. It just drifts in from time to time. I knew....but when it shows up and reminds you unexpectedly, it's made me flinch a lot. Astounded by how in two and a half short years I changed into someone I barely recognize. My saving grace is trying to take steps each day to get back to who I am underneath my alcoholism.

I am one to ruminate anyways...unproductive and something I need to work towards changing.

D122y

Half,

Until we got educated on booze, we were all fighting a more difficult battle.

Wanting to quit is half the battle. The rest is clean time and lifestyle changes.

I don't beat myself up too bad. I had a ton of fun being a drunk.

Now that things started going wrong, I must learn a new way to have fun.

As addicts our emotions are pretty frazzled for a long time. Booze did a number on our brains.

It took me a long long time to begin to settle down. At 22 months it is still a new world.

That is why folks relapse over and over. The time it takes to get the serenity wears us down. We forget the hell and want the euporia. It can be a real horror show.

Hang in there. Hydrate Eat clean. Exercise..

Thanks.

halfalife

Thanks D122y.

I feel a glimmer of hope that I haven't in a long time because I know I want this time in my life to be different.

Pretty disciplined about nutrition and exercise. Anxiety, sleep and my cognitive and emotional stuff is what I'm trying to rein in.

Not tempted to drink...the recent withdrawals told me that the tables had turned. Anxiety feels like carrying around a wet blanket over my shoulders...just burdening and always there right now...it's my tax for my choices though I suppose.

I just have to double down and deal with it and hope one day I'll wake up and accept that my past is behind me.

Anna

I was also overwhelmed with guilt and shame when I stopped drinking and I had a hard time dealing with it. Eventually, someone recommended journaling and that worked well for me. It helped me get the thoughts out of my head and onto paper, where they lost some of their power. The thing is the guilt and shame will take you back down if you let it. Learn from it and move on. As the brilliant Maya Angelou said 'I did then what I knew how to do. Now I know better, I do better'.

halfalife

Thank you, Anna.

Writing for me is healing and for the first time in years I can feel my real emotions, good and bad.

I'm going to try to keep that going and my writing so far has focused on what I don't want to go back to.

STDragon

Take a look into mindful meditation. It will help you with the ruminating.

Hevyn

I completely understand and can relate, halfalife. Guilt, remorse, regret - almost led me back to drinking. I was desperate to turn the thoughts off. You must be forgiving, kind, & patient with yourself. None of us set out to cause harm to ourselves or others. We aren't those people any more. The anxiety will get better as you heal. I'm glad you're talking about this - you're never alone.

Outonthetiles

This is right up my alley. As I've gotten sober I have a steady stream of horrible memories of how I treated people in several past relationships. At times I'm overcome with remorse and guilt about my behavior. I try to keep busy at all times and that seems to help, but whenever I slow down, the memories come rushing back.

halfalife

It will take me a while to let things go..I know I drank through a lot of pain and I should have faced my fears and anxiety then.

I have a lot of scary nights and shameful mornings that I'm not hanging on to as much as trying to process them and let them go. I know I can't change anything.

I'm harder on myself than anyone...if someone I loved shared the same circumstances with me I would offer them far more kindness. I'm just intolerant if my own weakness...never expected to arrive here, even though I know it was by daily choices.

My body has also made it very clear that I've taken things too far, and when I am able I suppose I will have to face that too. Thank you, Hevyn.

halfalife

Outonthetiles...I understand. Right now it's one of many reasons I'm staying committed to not drinking. I don't want more piles of regret stacked up at the end of what would be a short miserable life if I kept drinking. I can't live that way anymore.

thomas11

HI halfalife, I think I understand how you are feeling. I will say this, no one knows the extent of your "regretful" activities more than you, and I'm sure its hard to deal with. I went through a really bad period earlier in my life and when I finally got straightened out I was afraid to go anywhere because I was afraid "everyone knew". The fact was, hardly anyone knew but the paranoia (and shame) drove me crazy for awhile.

As others have said, whats done is done and your time will be better spent looking forward as opposed to the rear view mirror. You are doing all the right things. Resist the temptation and keep your progress going. SR is a great place, it has helped many.

halfalife

Thomas11...

It would take days to spell out, but on a very few occasions I have woken up where and with who I shouldn't have, I chalk it up to loneliness after my divorce, but I felt even lonelier still after. I felt used and let it happen.

Made it home realizing many many many mornings that I couldn't remember the entirety of the night after my sixth or eighth glass, and the nights continued far longer. Those instances only hurt me, but broke part of my spirit for a while. I was so lucky on those occasions that those evenings didn't turn out worse. Makes me feel like a propped up farce during the day.

I know your right. I know in time I will have a healthier perspective.

I can look people right in the eye, say good morning and not one person will know the shame I carry, but I know...

Part of this whole decision to make the change will require me to make peace with it. Right now I'm just anxious and sad.

Will try to go to sleep. Another night sober. Glad to be afraid of myself.

halfalife

And SR has been a saving grace. So many out there helping people who are struggling harder than ever to live again.

tomsteve

half, when ya mention attending a meeting this week, I assume youre referring to an AA meeting. if so, have ya read the big book of alcoholics anonymous? if not, its available online to read.
I was astonished/amazed that a book published 29 years before I was born described my thoughts and actions pretty good.
had a great solution,too- not only to help me not drink any more, but also to get rid of the garbage in my head and baggage of my past.

halfalife

Tomsteve, thank you.

I downloaded the book onto my Kindle three days ago and plan on reading some every night.

Clarity every sober day is telling me how I have gotten to this point...the divorce might have been the final trigger, but my insides are what really led me to drink from the beginning and what I need to focus on.

FreeOwl

AA was really helpful to me in that transition to sobriety and in the shame and anxiety and memories.

What was even more helpful was a qualified therapist. I went to a counselor during my recovery the first 2 years with regularity. I didn't talk about recovery there. I didn't even really mention alcohol apart from the occasional comment that I was not drinking anymore or I thought I had avoided things for a long time with drugs and alcohol.

What I did talk about was all the arising memories. A lot of the sense of shame. A lot of the feelings of inadequacy. A lot of the fears of my childhood. Traumas - big and 'little'. Frustrations, resentments, anger, hurt.

A lot of things had to come out and be spoken and be seen for what they were and I had to have a place with a supportive and qualified person to help reflect back to me and help me see myself as a human being, worthy, good, positive.... help me get back in contact with my SELF and Love him.

That's a huge part of recovery. Some people find that just through the steps. Some people find that in God. For me, it was a combination of spiritual growth, psychological therapy, AA, sharing here, journaling, meditation, exercise, honest self-reflection and TIME.

Rest assured, you're not alone....

And also - you're not Bad. You're not Unworthy. You're not unlovable, wrong, broken, shameful, terrible or a failure.


You are worthy, loveable, human.... you are of spirit and of love and of light and goodness and you are every bit as deserving of the beauty of life as all the rest of us.

tomsteve

the day after my last drunk, without knowing what the bb says, i knew that the alcohol was just covering up much deeper problems- problems in me.
then i went to a meeting the next day and got the BB real quick. it talked about alcohol being a symptom of much deeper problems.
something that caught my attention real quick was the title of one of the chapters:
There Is A Solution.
working the steps helped me find causes and conditions for what was wrong with me, how to get rid of it, and start loving myself.

prolly one of the hardest suggestions( from someone in AA) for me early on was lookin at myself in the mirror and sayin,"i love you."but over time of doing that and working the program, i honestly started loving who i saw in the mirror.
hes kind ugly( ), but i love the man in my mirror today.

half, when was the last time ya looked at yerself in the mirror? not at your hair or how yer clothes look- but right into your own eyes and said,"i love you."

halfalife

Tomsteve,

I am glad in your journey you found a way to love yourself again.

When I read your question if I have done that for myself, it hit me in the gut. I haven't felt good inside about myself for a long time and it's likely going to take a lot of work. It's well beyond time for me.