Husband of Alcoholic Wife
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 1
Husband of Alcoholic Wife
Hello,
I am the husband of an alcoholic wife. We have 3 kids (10,6 & 2) My wife has been spiraling out of control for the past 5 years, and almost a year ago went to rehab. 4 days out, she was drinking again. Over these years, I have tried to reach out to her parents for help, who only wanted to act like the problem wasn't happening. I reached out to my family for support, and was given the ever so wise advice to "suck it up" and "not worry about it"
The house we live in is owned by her parents. So, my attempts to make kick her out was met with, "if she is gone, then you are all gone" Obviously, you can see how my frustration over the years has reached a very unhealthy level of anger and stress.
She is currently back in rehab, in which I just had our first face to face with her and her counselor. She is wanting a trial separation when she gets out, stating that she cannot handle my anger and mood while she attempts to work on herself. Which I replied, your drinking is what has gotten me to this point to begin with. When you aren't drinking and staying out all night, sleeping over at another mans house (could go on and on, but you get the point) I have been very calm and supportive. I am sure that my built up anger has spilled over to times of her NOT drinking and I fully admitted to my anger with the counselor. I asked him "how could I NOT BE ANGRY?" Being verbally abused and emasculated for years will do that to a person, but also questioned how they could think it was a good idea for her to be fresh out of rehab, being a single mother of three and going to IOP. I guess, I just feel as if it is me that is getting punished for her behavior. I have to say, it is NOT making my anger or stress any less. I am REALLY, REALLY trying to let go, but I have to tell you all that I have NEVER felt more alone, or SAD or HURT in my life. My apparently inability to talk to anyone about my situation and have them "understand" my feelings is in of itself quite frustrating. With my job I travel quite frequently, and sometimes it is very last minute (Bill you have to go to San Francisco on the next flight) so being a single father of 3 kids isn't feasible. The 2 older ones I could work with, but my 2 year old son is the kicker.
She did say that a divorce was the furthest thing from her mind. She just wants a few months to really work on herself and me to work on myself. Maybe it is my rose colored lenses, but I only view my anger and frustration and stress as a direct bi-product of HER behavior. Please understand that I am in no way perfect, or even close. However, me having to up root my life feels very counter intuitive as to how this should be playing out (in my mind anyway.)
There is plenty more to this story, but that is the foundation in a nut shell. If anyone has any thoughts, or suggestions on how I can move forward with the greatest ease of mind, I am all "ears."
Thanks,
Bill Stanford
I am the husband of an alcoholic wife. We have 3 kids (10,6 & 2) My wife has been spiraling out of control for the past 5 years, and almost a year ago went to rehab. 4 days out, she was drinking again. Over these years, I have tried to reach out to her parents for help, who only wanted to act like the problem wasn't happening. I reached out to my family for support, and was given the ever so wise advice to "suck it up" and "not worry about it"
The house we live in is owned by her parents. So, my attempts to make kick her out was met with, "if she is gone, then you are all gone" Obviously, you can see how my frustration over the years has reached a very unhealthy level of anger and stress.
She is currently back in rehab, in which I just had our first face to face with her and her counselor. She is wanting a trial separation when she gets out, stating that she cannot handle my anger and mood while she attempts to work on herself. Which I replied, your drinking is what has gotten me to this point to begin with. When you aren't drinking and staying out all night, sleeping over at another mans house (could go on and on, but you get the point) I have been very calm and supportive. I am sure that my built up anger has spilled over to times of her NOT drinking and I fully admitted to my anger with the counselor. I asked him "how could I NOT BE ANGRY?" Being verbally abused and emasculated for years will do that to a person, but also questioned how they could think it was a good idea for her to be fresh out of rehab, being a single mother of three and going to IOP. I guess, I just feel as if it is me that is getting punished for her behavior. I have to say, it is NOT making my anger or stress any less. I am REALLY, REALLY trying to let go, but I have to tell you all that I have NEVER felt more alone, or SAD or HURT in my life. My apparently inability to talk to anyone about my situation and have them "understand" my feelings is in of itself quite frustrating. With my job I travel quite frequently, and sometimes it is very last minute (Bill you have to go to San Francisco on the next flight) so being a single father of 3 kids isn't feasible. The 2 older ones I could work with, but my 2 year old son is the kicker.
She did say that a divorce was the furthest thing from her mind. She just wants a few months to really work on herself and me to work on myself. Maybe it is my rose colored lenses, but I only view my anger and frustration and stress as a direct bi-product of HER behavior. Please understand that I am in no way perfect, or even close. However, me having to up root my life feels very counter intuitive as to how this should be playing out (in my mind anyway.)
There is plenty more to this story, but that is the foundation in a nut shell. If anyone has any thoughts, or suggestions on how I can move forward with the greatest ease of mind, I am all "ears."
Thanks,
Bill Stanford
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
I would say that moving out may not be looked upon kindly should a separation lead to divorce. Since her parents own the house, if it were me I'd start legal separation proceedings now. Don't let her force you to leave without legal impetus. Since she's in rehab, you may have grounds for taking the kids. Use it and use this time wisely.
I think your chances of having an amenable separation are about slim and none, to be honest. If you leave it could be construed as abandonment which will not go down well in a divorce. Her family is going to side with her, so I would not discuss it with them at all, nor tip my hand.
Time for legal representation. Once someone says they want to separate it's time to protect yourself.
There is also a Friends and Family of alcoholics section of this site where there is a lot of good advice and people in similar straits. Here's the link:
Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
I think your chances of having an amenable separation are about slim and none, to be honest. If you leave it could be construed as abandonment which will not go down well in a divorce. Her family is going to side with her, so I would not discuss it with them at all, nor tip my hand.
Time for legal representation. Once someone says they want to separate it's time to protect yourself.
There is also a Friends and Family of alcoholics section of this site where there is a lot of good advice and people in similar straits. Here's the link:
Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
Guest
Join Date: Nov 2016
Location: East of Eden
Posts: 420
Hi Bill. Welcome to SR. I have to say, your situation is very typical and very similar to literally hundreds of others here at SR. I'd suggest you read thru some of the threads on the friends and family portion of the forum when you have a moment. You're not alone. More folks will be along shortly I'm sure to post and share their experiences. My prayers for your family.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
Hey Bill.
Welcome to SoberRecovery. I'm so sorry for what brings you here, but glad you found us.
It's great you posted in Newcomers as it's a good place to introduce yourself. It might also be a good idea to post your message in the Friends and Family area as well. Thee are many, many folk there going through, and been through, just what you hare experiencing. You can follow this link to find the friends and family area... Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
Wishing you all the best. And again, welcome. BB
Welcome to SoberRecovery. I'm so sorry for what brings you here, but glad you found us.
It's great you posted in Newcomers as it's a good place to introduce yourself. It might also be a good idea to post your message in the Friends and Family area as well. Thee are many, many folk there going through, and been through, just what you hare experiencing. You can follow this link to find the friends and family area... Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
Wishing you all the best. And again, welcome. BB
Friendly Folk
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Powers Lake, Wisconsin
Posts: 21,705
Welcome to SR. I hope you find the help you need both legally and emotionally. You really need someone on your side so things don't turn out against you. Seek some professional counceling so you will be wise, strong and smart about what may happen.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,475
Welcome and I'm sorry for your situation.
It does sound like legal help regarding the house would be wise - e.g., do you have a valid lease and is your name on it? If not, you might consider looking for a place of your own, with the children. I think your options are probably not appealing, but you do have options. I know father's in your position who have hired a full-time helper/babysitter/nanny to live in and be the caregiver when you are called away.
It does sound like legal help regarding the house would be wise - e.g., do you have a valid lease and is your name on it? If not, you might consider looking for a place of your own, with the children. I think your options are probably not appealing, but you do have options. I know father's in your position who have hired a full-time helper/babysitter/nanny to live in and be the caregiver when you are called away.
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