New phase of sobriety - ending destructive friendships
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New phase of sobriety - ending destructive friendships
I truly love the place where I am employed. I get to work with the MVP’s of the legal world. There is a certain amount of pride that comes with saying where it is that I work. And I am not trying to brag, it’s taken a lot of hard work to hold on to my position here. I’ve been with the firm since 2004, excluding a three and a half year period where I moved to another state. They hired me back when I returned to town in 2010.
As much as I love where I work, I don’t know how much I actually love my JOB (but really, who does?) I find it challenging at times, and most of the attorneys I work with are awesome, but there are certainly a lot of politics that bubble underneath the surface and sometimes I feel very tired of it all.
The place where I work was a real party firm back in the day. It was not at all unusual back then to attend work sponsored happy hours. Desk drinking after 3 pm or so was not frowned upon. They had a lot of marvelous parties where they served just about any kind of booze you could imagine, and lots of people got wild, falling down drunk, naked, etc. etc. But then people also started to get SUED, and the partying came to a real quick end.
These days you’ll only find light alcoholic beverages at firm functions, if any at all. Heavy drinking is very much frowned upon and has been for a while now. I must say we are all better for it.
I fell right in with the heavy drinking crowd. I don’t know how it is that we all know to find each other, but we do. I’ve written before about someone who (I thought) has been a really good friend of mine for a number of years, here is the story of how I actually met him, which some of you might find interesting.
It wasn’t long after I started when I was walking through the front lobby and noticed the receptionist hunched over her desk, crying. She was a sweet lady and this sight distressed me some. I stopped to ask what was wrong at the same time as an attorney did – and not just any attorney but one I recognized as a head honcho in a firm full of head honchos, I'll call him White Knight (WK for short). WK also asked our receptionist what was wrong and she said through her tears that one of the attorneys was continuously calling and berating her because she could not get a certain person on the phone. He kept hanging up on her and calling right back and yelling at her some more‼ So WK told her that the next time this attorney called, HE would be the one to answer phone.
Now this was interesting because the attorney who was calling and being mean was also a head honcho…maybe even a bigger one than WK‼ It was like King Kong v. Godzilla, or Russia v. the USA!
So when Mr. Bully called back, our white knight answered the phone himself‼ And said “Hi Mr. Bully this is Mr. WK, how can I help you?” And Mr. Bully said, “WK? Why the hell are you answering the phone? I want to talk to Debbie the receptionist!” And Mr. WK said, “Well Debbie is now unavailable, and I am going to be the one helping you, so what do you want?” and Mr. Bully said “Well I want to talk to so and so” and WK said, “Well obviously so and so isn’t available right now, so let me transfer you into his voicemail” and that’s what he did! And guess what, Mr. Bully suddenly stopped calling‼
Well this was pretty much unheard of. An attorney answering the phone like he was the receptionist! We were at this point giggling our butts off. This formed a bond of sorts among us, and over time the three of us discovered our mutual love of drinking and gossip, which of course turned into happy hours with all kinds of different people, and at first it was really fun and I made lots of new friends, or so I thought. And even though I thought Mr. WK was very brave for standing up to Mr. Bully I also came to learn that Mr. WK was “just a bit” of a womanizer and perhaps his motivations were not always totally altruistic.
Over the years I have learned that Mr. WK is essentially very kind, and very smart, and chivalrous, but also demanding, vindictive, aggressive and shallow. Like most people, he has a lot of good points and some not so good points. With me he has been very open about who and what he is, and I have done the same with him.
One point I have always held on out is that I WILL NOT have an affair with him. Not just because he’s married and I’m married, but also because he’s got lots and lots of notches on his bed post and I refuse to join that club. Even if I wanted to, I know it would mean absolutely nothing once he got me. It is all about the chase with him!
But I can also say that I have enjoyed is friendship immensely. It pretty much centered around drinking and I am sure it is not hard to imagine that boundaries were, at times, rather blurred, and that is something I do not feel at all proud of.
He has not been at all happy with me that I have stopped drinking. We don’t talk as much as we used to but last week he sent me an IM that said “Today is National Margarita Day” to which I said “Cool! Are you going to go have one?” and he said “Yes why don’t you join me” and I said, “Mr. WK! You know I quit drinking!” and his response was “Oh you’re still doing THAT. I really don’t understand why, most people who quit do so because they actually have a real problem”
I ended the conversation by telling him that I thought we were friends, and that he should be ashamed of himself for trying to pull me back down into the abyss. I guess he’s forgotten all about my car wrecks and wild, crazy destructive behavior, and it wouldn’t surprise me a bit if he actually did forget, the jackass.
Anyway I have been giving this all a lot of thought and have decided I am dumping him as a friend the next time I hear from him. I wish we could continue on the way we are now, but I find his behavior is stressing me out and I also feel like he is being disrespectful. This is not the first time he has berated me for quitting. I probably should have cut him loose a long time ago, but I was drunk a lot and did not see things the same way that I do now.
Wish me luck. I am a little nervous.
As much as I love where I work, I don’t know how much I actually love my JOB (but really, who does?) I find it challenging at times, and most of the attorneys I work with are awesome, but there are certainly a lot of politics that bubble underneath the surface and sometimes I feel very tired of it all.
The place where I work was a real party firm back in the day. It was not at all unusual back then to attend work sponsored happy hours. Desk drinking after 3 pm or so was not frowned upon. They had a lot of marvelous parties where they served just about any kind of booze you could imagine, and lots of people got wild, falling down drunk, naked, etc. etc. But then people also started to get SUED, and the partying came to a real quick end.
These days you’ll only find light alcoholic beverages at firm functions, if any at all. Heavy drinking is very much frowned upon and has been for a while now. I must say we are all better for it.
I fell right in with the heavy drinking crowd. I don’t know how it is that we all know to find each other, but we do. I’ve written before about someone who (I thought) has been a really good friend of mine for a number of years, here is the story of how I actually met him, which some of you might find interesting.
It wasn’t long after I started when I was walking through the front lobby and noticed the receptionist hunched over her desk, crying. She was a sweet lady and this sight distressed me some. I stopped to ask what was wrong at the same time as an attorney did – and not just any attorney but one I recognized as a head honcho in a firm full of head honchos, I'll call him White Knight (WK for short). WK also asked our receptionist what was wrong and she said through her tears that one of the attorneys was continuously calling and berating her because she could not get a certain person on the phone. He kept hanging up on her and calling right back and yelling at her some more‼ So WK told her that the next time this attorney called, HE would be the one to answer phone.
Now this was interesting because the attorney who was calling and being mean was also a head honcho…maybe even a bigger one than WK‼ It was like King Kong v. Godzilla, or Russia v. the USA!
So when Mr. Bully called back, our white knight answered the phone himself‼ And said “Hi Mr. Bully this is Mr. WK, how can I help you?” And Mr. Bully said, “WK? Why the hell are you answering the phone? I want to talk to Debbie the receptionist!” And Mr. WK said, “Well Debbie is now unavailable, and I am going to be the one helping you, so what do you want?” and Mr. Bully said “Well I want to talk to so and so” and WK said, “Well obviously so and so isn’t available right now, so let me transfer you into his voicemail” and that’s what he did! And guess what, Mr. Bully suddenly stopped calling‼
Well this was pretty much unheard of. An attorney answering the phone like he was the receptionist! We were at this point giggling our butts off. This formed a bond of sorts among us, and over time the three of us discovered our mutual love of drinking and gossip, which of course turned into happy hours with all kinds of different people, and at first it was really fun and I made lots of new friends, or so I thought. And even though I thought Mr. WK was very brave for standing up to Mr. Bully I also came to learn that Mr. WK was “just a bit” of a womanizer and perhaps his motivations were not always totally altruistic.
Over the years I have learned that Mr. WK is essentially very kind, and very smart, and chivalrous, but also demanding, vindictive, aggressive and shallow. Like most people, he has a lot of good points and some not so good points. With me he has been very open about who and what he is, and I have done the same with him.
One point I have always held on out is that I WILL NOT have an affair with him. Not just because he’s married and I’m married, but also because he’s got lots and lots of notches on his bed post and I refuse to join that club. Even if I wanted to, I know it would mean absolutely nothing once he got me. It is all about the chase with him!
But I can also say that I have enjoyed is friendship immensely. It pretty much centered around drinking and I am sure it is not hard to imagine that boundaries were, at times, rather blurred, and that is something I do not feel at all proud of.
He has not been at all happy with me that I have stopped drinking. We don’t talk as much as we used to but last week he sent me an IM that said “Today is National Margarita Day” to which I said “Cool! Are you going to go have one?” and he said “Yes why don’t you join me” and I said, “Mr. WK! You know I quit drinking!” and his response was “Oh you’re still doing THAT. I really don’t understand why, most people who quit do so because they actually have a real problem”
I ended the conversation by telling him that I thought we were friends, and that he should be ashamed of himself for trying to pull me back down into the abyss. I guess he’s forgotten all about my car wrecks and wild, crazy destructive behavior, and it wouldn’t surprise me a bit if he actually did forget, the jackass.
Anyway I have been giving this all a lot of thought and have decided I am dumping him as a friend the next time I hear from him. I wish we could continue on the way we are now, but I find his behavior is stressing me out and I also feel like he is being disrespectful. This is not the first time he has berated me for quitting. I probably should have cut him loose a long time ago, but I was drunk a lot and did not see things the same way that I do now.
Wish me luck. I am a little nervous.
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I think removing toxic people from your life is part of recovery.
I have never talked to people I worked with about my drinking. I am far too private of a person. Your workplace seems to be full of blurred lines, so I wish you well.
I have never talked to people I worked with about my drinking. I am far too private of a person. Your workplace seems to be full of blurred lines, so I wish you well.
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Originally Posted by Anna 
I think removing toxic people from your life is part of recovery.
I have never talked to people I worked with about my drinking. I am far too private of a person. Your workplace seems to be full of blurred lines, so I wish you well.
I have never talked to people I worked with about my drinking. I am far too private of a person. Your workplace seems to be full of blurred lines, so I wish you well.
I know I am figuring all of this out pretty late in the game, and for that I am sad. I am grateful that my work place has changed its stance on drinking, it has helped to support my decision to quit and I know it has helped others too.
This is just one of many changes I intend to make though, I am considering after all these years that it is time to move on, too many memories here, fractured relationships due largely to drinking, lots of sad things that I think about as well as some good ones too.
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Originally Posted by Melissa1217
May I ask how you dump someone as a friend, especially if you work closely with them ?
If I was in your situation, I'd quit. I wouldn't know any other way to deal with it?
If I was in your situation, I'd quit. I wouldn't know any other way to deal with it?
We don't work too closely together, there's about 750 people that I work for
I do cross paths with him sometimes and he can IM me but I don't think he's going to push back too hard. One thing I am learning is that I thought I was a lot more important to some people than I actually am and I think he falls into that category.In other words it's a big deal to me, probably not such a big deal to him.
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Great story! I'm going through the same thing with a friend and a family member. He is putting his own needs ahead of mine as far as my sobriety goes so i told this friend in so many words i need some space.
My family member i speak of is just plain abusive and recently came back into my life. I'm staying at a distance. She's very selfish and abusive.
My family member i speak of is just plain abusive and recently came back into my life. I'm staying at a distance. She's very selfish and abusive.
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Originally Posted by comtnman740
Great story! I'm going through the same thing with a friend and a family member. He is putting his own needs ahead of mine as far as my sobriety goes so i told this friend in so many words i need some space.
My family member i speak of is just plain abusive and recently came back into my life. I'm staying at a distance. She's very selfish and abusive.
My family member i speak of is just plain abusive and recently came back into my life. I'm staying at a distance. She's very selfish and abusive.
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I also work in a company with a bit of a drinking culture, albeit a much smaller company. One co-worker in particular I'm close with (basically my same-sex work spouse at this point 
) has been a drinking buddy for years. And he's actually really cool with my recent decision to stop drinking.
I've also found that if you just point-blank tell someone "Well you know, people don't just quit drinking for no good reason," they'll either: a) show genuine concern; or b) put their foot in their mouth and leave you alone.
) has been a drinking buddy for years. And he's actually really cool with my recent decision to stop drinking. I've also found that if you just point-blank tell someone "Well you know, people don't just quit drinking for no good reason," they'll either: a) show genuine concern; or b) put their foot in their mouth and leave you alone.
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I am in education, and you would be amazed at how many people drink way too much!
I have not really told many people I work with that I stopped drinking, but I have told a few close friends, three of them have actually been inspired and stopped as well.
Glad you are making choices that are good for you!!
I have not really told many people I work with that I stopped drinking, but I have told a few close friends, three of them have actually been inspired and stopped as well.
Glad you are making choices that are good for you!!
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Thanks for sharing your experience HopeAndFaith. There is a very high incident of drug and alcohol abuse in certain highly demanding, high stress, high pressure and high stakes professions. It's heartening to hear that your company seems to have more awareness...if you have to eventually leave you do, but in the meantime you never know who you can be a positive influence on. Stay strong! Sometimes people at my work go out for drinks after work. Everyone knows I don't do that, and so they don't invite me and they know I am totally good with not being invited/included. For the most part they respect me. Whatever else they may think about me is none of my business.
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Well friends I thank you all for chiming in. Maybe some people in our lives just prefer us drunk. After all how many of our drinking buddies ever saw us bombed out of our minds on the couch at 2 am. Mine mostly saw me happily buzzed after several drinks, but very few would witness the aftermath.
I don't have any more room in my life for "friends" who try to make light of my condition and convince me to drink again.
I've got my best friend cuddled up on the couch with me right now. She's big and stinky and slobbery and she's loved me through all of it, but she's a much happier dog now that I'm sober.
Sweet Dreams SR.
I don't have any more room in my life for "friends" who try to make light of my condition and convince me to drink again.
I've got my best friend cuddled up on the couch with me right now. She's big and stinky and slobbery and she's loved me through all of it, but she's a much happier dog now that I'm sober.
Sweet Dreams SR.
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Some people just don't get it. Someday they may get it. Maybe they never will. The seriousness of addiction is a bit lost on them. They are even cavalier about it. Who knows what it will take for them to wake up to it. Mr. WK sounds charming and has likely charmed the pants off many...figuratively and literally. But, it sounds like he does not respect women. I know the type. They are so good at showing a good side when they want to get in good with you. But, as you have said, over time you grew to see how shallow he could be and the charm is lost on you...what does it all really mean? I mean, REALLY mean....if it has no real meaning to you, then you wonder why you bother. Going out, socializing over drinks...what does that really mean? Does it hold any lasting value? Or does it just trash your brain, liver, and kidneys? It sounds like you've got your head screwed on straight, girl. Hang tight; continue to be a light to others you may not even realize you are being a light to....
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" I don’t know how it is that we all know to find each other, but we do." Truer words never spoken! That is the ticket to the whole thing...you can't drop out of the drinking buddies...they don't have a problem and if you say you do...THAT MEANS THEY DO! I hate the whole thing. I have said it before...I brought it all on. I surrounded myself with drinking buddies...they when I quit..it was all WHERE DID EVERYBODY GO! They don't care...Hard lesson to learn.
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Originally Posted by HopeandFaith1
After all how many of our drinking buddies ever saw us bombed out of our minds on the couch at 2 am. Mine mostly saw me happily buzzed after several drinks, but very few would witness the aftermath.
I have people in my life that think I am just being melodramatic about claiming to be an alcoholic and the only answer for me is to not drink ever, no, not even one, and no, not ever.
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Originally Posted by teatreeoil007
Some people just don't get it. Someday they may get it. Maybe they never will. The seriousness of addiction is a bit lost on them. They are even cavalier about it. Who knows what it will take for them to wake up to it. Mr. WK sounds charming and has likely charmed the pants off many...figuratively and literally. But, it sounds like he does not respect women. I know the type. They are so good at showing a good side when they want to get in good with you. But, as you have said, over time you grew to see how shallow he could be and the charm is lost on you...what does it all really mean? I mean, REALLY mean....if it has no real meaning to you, then you wonder why you bother. Going out, socializing over drinks...what does that really mean? Does it hold any lasting value? Or does it just trash your brain, liver, and kidneys? It sounds like you've got your head screwed on straight, girl. Hang tight; continue to be a light to others you may not even realize you are being a light to....
Thank you for the encouragement, I always <3 your posts.
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Originally Posted by MsCooterBrown
" I don’t know how it is that we all know to find each other, but we do." Truer words never spoken! That is the ticket to the whole thing...you can't drop out of the drinking buddies...they don't have a problem and if you say you do...THAT MEANS THEY DO! I hate the whole thing. I have said it before...I brought it all on. I surrounded myself with drinking buddies...they when I quit..it was all WHERE DID EVERYBODY GO! They don't care...Hard lesson to learn.
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Originally Posted by 2ndhandrose
True, true words.
I have people in my life that think I am just being melodramatic about claiming to be an alcoholic and the only answer for me is to not drink ever, no, not even one, and no, not ever.
I have people in my life that think I am just being melodramatic about claiming to be an alcoholic and the only answer for me is to not drink ever, no, not even one, and no, not ever.
On days I don't feel so well I find myself thinking maybe they are right. I mean they all drink like it's the end of the world and seem to be perfectly happy.
I know that is complete BS though and I don't let myself even think that very often.
Keep up the good fight 2ndHandRose, I am glad we are in this together
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Oh he's a jerk. Such a jerk. If there was ever a question of whether i was doing the right thing, I can be reassured now.
Last night I actually prayed that to God that he would just go away. I guess I was feeling nervous due to his position in the company and what his reaction would be, and if I would hurt his feelings, etc. etc.
LOL
He was so over the top inappropriate and rude today that I told him as diplomatically as I possibly could to just bugger off, for good this time. He immediately apologized and said, "I've been worried about you. I just wanted to say something nice to you to make you feel better about yourself"
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Friends say things like, well the types of things you all say here on SR. You know, encouragement and support. This is the same person who told me last week essentially that I should drink again. I don't know what I would ever do without his overwhelming concern.
I told him he did not need to worry about me!! And I also did not need his help to feel better about myself, but thanks!
He kept messaging me and I told him he better just drop it. And that I'd just rather not talk to him anymore.
Then I went downstairs to get something to eat and met a new friend - a gay man who works at the restaurant downstairs who does not drink and has four rescue dogs.
I feel better but a little hurt too. This really comes after several incidences lately where Mr. WK was rude and disrespectful to me. It's really kind of hard to convey how offensive his demeanor was, let's just say that the good Lord does answer our prayers, just not exactly in the way we would always expect.
Oh well. Ready to move on now without quite so much excess baggage as before. Thanks again, all of you, for your replies.
Last night I actually prayed that to God that he would just go away. I guess I was feeling nervous due to his position in the company and what his reaction would be, and if I would hurt his feelings, etc. etc.
LOL
He was so over the top inappropriate and rude today that I told him as diplomatically as I possibly could to just bugger off, for good this time. He immediately apologized and said, "I've been worried about you. I just wanted to say something nice to you to make you feel better about yourself"
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Friends say things like, well the types of things you all say here on SR. You know, encouragement and support. This is the same person who told me last week essentially that I should drink again. I don't know what I would ever do without his overwhelming concern.
I told him he did not need to worry about me!! And I also did not need his help to feel better about myself, but thanks!
He kept messaging me and I told him he better just drop it. And that I'd just rather not talk to him anymore.
Then I went downstairs to get something to eat and met a new friend - a gay man who works at the restaurant downstairs who does not drink and has four rescue dogs.
I feel better but a little hurt too. This really comes after several incidences lately where Mr. WK was rude and disrespectful to me. It's really kind of hard to convey how offensive his demeanor was, let's just say that the good Lord does answer our prayers, just not exactly in the way we would always expect.
Oh well. Ready to move on now without quite so much excess baggage as before. Thanks again, all of you, for your replies.
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