Thank you Myth.

I remember your posts from 2014. Always a well thought-out contribution. Hope you're doing well ?

I think with these kind of benders, it's all or nothing, and nothing is what it ends up as, or worse.

I can't blame the event for what happened.
I chose to buy bottles.
I chose to open them.
I chose to drink the contents.
I caused the chaos.

B.

This is a great thread. Thank you. It is what I need to hear to remind me that a little time sober does not "reset" anything. That it won't be like starting over in terms of drinking.

The alcohol "beast" keeps growing larger and larger over time, needing more and more to be satisfied. You can lock it up with sobriety, but it never shrinks or goes away.
That is one common mistake many people fall for as they think with a period of sobriety, enough time has past and that they can return to normal drinking. This may last a day or two and then it's right back into the full swing of things, and possibly worse, than when you quit in the first place.

I have heard many stories of what happens when people go back to drinking after periods of sober time. I have one friend who went back after 16 years of sobriety (sober again now). He tells me it took next to no time for him to be right back where he was, and then it got worse than it ever was. He almost committed suicide and was certainly going to die anyway if he kept it up. I always keep that story in the back of my mind.

Thanks for your bravery in sharing your story, Bruce. And glad you are back.

Thank you for reading and your responses, Friends. It means a lot to me!

Thank you, HTown, it's like D says - even when "inactive", the beast is still there, gaining strength. Our tolerance to alcohol may be dropping but the "activation volume" for want of a better term carried over from the last bout of drinking stays constant or increases.

Forward12, it was shockingly quick. Literally in about an hour all that time had been wiped out and I was literally back at hell's door. Maybe I'm just a quick student (haha), but it gripped me tight and didn't let go for 2 weeks.

Thank you, MLD51, I'm glad your friend is on the mend. Like MountainManBob said, it is easy to pass away with this style of drinking due to the reduced tolerances and the huge shock of a sudden and sustained drenching in alcohol. What was I thinking - the answer was I was NOT thinking. For 2 whole weeks.
During that period, my consumption almost doubled.
Thank you for your kind comments, and I'm glad to be back!

B.

This has been my experience too. I've heard people say the addiction continues to do push-ups even as I stay sober.

I also identify with not having another recovery(withdrawal) left in me. Glad you came back.

Thank you, Bluedog.

I don't think I realise (IMHO and without being melodramatic) how close I came to coming back in a body bag instead of SR if I had carried on.

I think the word surrender sums it up for me. It's finished. I played with this thing and I lost. And I'm glad I got broken and defeated and eventually called it a day. Otherwise I would never have known. I don't / can't ever play again. Now it's my rules and I won't pull that trigger.

I hope it's okay to respond like this {Mods?**. Each post gives me another insight and help in understanding what happened and how to frame my recovery. All of them add alternative aspects that build my armoury (and hopefully the armoury of others reading this, too). It's a pity each response bumps this up the board as there are others here who also need help and support and want to share their experiences. It's not my intention to hog this space?
Thank you,
Bruce.

Hi Bruce,

Many years ago, I relapsed after 6 years sober. I didn't gradually build back up to my old level of drinking, I went immediately to my old level.

It took me over 20 years to get back to sober life. I am here to say I am never going back. I made the mistake of taking my sobriety for granted, I arrogantly thought I had my alcoholism licked and my sobriety neatly tied up in a bag. Ha.

This is a great and valid thread, Bruce :grouphug:

Exactly the same with me, 2ndhand.

It's almost like a comfort thing. Your body is used to that kind of beating, so lets start with something familiar? No need to waste valuable drinking time working up the pace. Get the show on the road.

Glad you got back, irrespective of the duration. You're worth it!
I wonder if there's a correlation between "the longer the struggle" and "the higher the resolve"

Thank you for the last comment - much appreciated. Just want to help all of us, me included. I like to be able to interact in this instance with the people who have invested time and effort in reading the story and then bothering to put their experiences alongside it.
B.

The kindling effect is very real, and unfortunately I've done my own research to confirm this.

When an alcoholic says that there're not sure they have another recovery in them, I think this is what they mean. It's scary stuff.

This thread is *extraordinarily* important for everyone here and for the hundreds of people reading.

Sober ten years, thought I could (you know...).

Right back where I was and WORSE within three weeks.

Active alcoholism = living hell.

You're not gonna *get it right this time.*

Do not go back to it, people.

It will kill you, body, mind and soul.

Very true, Zebra. I'm extremely relieved and grateful to be able to walk away from this, relatively unscathed, with the knowledge that I cannot do this again.

I had never heard of kindling before.

But now that's worth more than any qualification I've ever earned.
B.


Thank you, Columbus.
What you've said is spot on! I had no idea what I was about to set in motion when I picked up.

In my experience, everything is more concentrated, more extreme than the last time. Naturally the drinking, but then also the crazy, dangerous stuff I did, the blackouts, and of course the withdrawals. My goodness. You know the score. Vomiting, dry heaving, shakes, diarrhoea and the anxiety and overwhelming self loathing and shame, etc, etc, but much worse than the previous time.

If you're an alcoholic that has stopped drinking, don't ever, ever do what I did. I got lucky and managed to get off.
B.

Yes, Thanks for posting Bruce and the education everyone. This was a bit of information I did not know. If I catch myself thinking I can do it, this will be an important piece of advice to remind myself why I shouldn't.

Thank you and strength to you, ST.
If my experience can help anyone else stop short of the precipice, it will have been worth it.
B.

I have experienced some very odd kindling of withdrawls. First off everyday would be a little slice of it... painfully drinking to avoid that mess. After my first major with a little bit of tappering, think I went 7 days "sober", I was back into the madness with just a few days of scary intoxication. Then I decided to take benzos when ever I woke up with my usual vodka's. This went on from October to late December. Stop:

I almost 2 days sober and my only friend texts me to drink. Ough. I'm just sick! God give me my brain back.

A similar thing happened to me. About 5 1/2 years ago, after being sober for 5 years, I had a terrible trauma happen to me, and thought I could have just one glass of wine. Right away, I was back to a bottle a night, and it increased rapidly to a bottle & a quarter. I was able to stop for a month last spring, and when I started again (life is extremely stressful now) it was right back to the same amount where I left off, & increasing.
I have no control over it.

I am 24 days sober now and I am afraid I wouldn't be able to stop if I ever started again.

Hello, Aqua,
Take it easy, please. Let your friend know that you don't drink anymore?
You can do it, you can drive your sobriety. The more sober time, the better you feel, physically, mentally, emotionally. It does get better.
Good luck and be safe.
B.

Daucuscarota, same thing here. Unexpected trauma / stress, unprepared regarding how to deal with it, pick up and the acceleration starts. Keep strong and work your recovery plan. Well done on the 24 days, way to go. Glad you made it back, too!

All the best,
Bruce.

Aquafina

If your friend is a true friend he'll respect your decision to get sober, even tho he may not entirely understand it.

I lost a lot of drinking buddies but there were hard drinking friends of mine who supported me getting sober and still do today :)

D

Oh the love I feel for them! Isolation. I dont know you. But the sadness... Im so happy your here.

Its so sad