Scruffanie

Hi all,

I'm well under way with my step 4, being fearless and thorough. But I'm finding many of my old thought patterns and habits are re-surfacing. Life is feeling difficult again because of this re-surfacing. I'm struggling in the mornings again to get myself to work and when I'm there I can't concentrate. On the up side...I have absolutely no desire to drink, I am very grateful for this.
I guess what I'm wondering is if others experienced something similar? Did it pass?
Also since quitting (81 days) I'm still not sleeping well, I'm trying meditation and a herbal remedy but still it takes me a long time to fall asleep, anything else I could try?

Thanks xx

PhoenixJ

Takes work for me- but I write down stuff I cannot stop thinking about which can effect my sleep. That way I can work through it over time.

FreeOwl

I've been "stuck" on Step 4 for years. I revisit it from time to time. I think about step 4 things as they come up. Some of them I feel like I've gotten on with. Others maybe still linger.

I'm over 3 years sober and have found that for me, Step Work sort of manifests itself differently in my life than in The Steps.

Maybe that's a problem. Maybe it will trip me up. Maybe I'm just taking a different course. I feel like I'm doing things consciously and staying rooted in sobriety and growth....

Anyway - that's a little bit of a ramble and an intro. To the core of your question, less than 90 days in was a near and present challenge for me. The old habits were still close at hand. I had to consciously CHOOSE new habits. Every day was another opportunity to make an aware and self-directed choice about new things to do. To recognize the patterns and habits that were trying to pull me back in. To walk intentionally away from those toward healthier things.

The whole first year was a roller coaster. The second year I began moving truly beyond the old habits - but into a new space of learning and healing and growing my life. Maybe it happens faster if one really focuses on the steps. Maybe I prolonged the agony in some ways, being a little stubborn or a little afraid or a little non-conformist or whatever it is about me......

In any case - stay the course and keep to it. it's so worth it!!

tomsteve

very glad to read the desire to drink isn't there!

I don't know if it would be considered the same, but id slip into morbid reflection when I was doing my 4th step. seeing on paper all the wreckage and insanity didn't feel too good. I mentioned it to someone after a meeting. they explained to me that I had to rememeber that what I was seeing was what I used to be like- it was the old me. I didn't condone my behavior then but had to use it to learn about how to be a new person.
there were other times,too, while doing my 4th I would start feeling old me creeping in. my sponsor said simply,"ok, time to back up a step or 3."

the first few months were definately a rollercoaster ride of feelings and emotions. it was worth pullin my buckle up tight for the ride. over time, the peaks and valleys of emotions and feeling got closer together.

as for sleep, the only way I could fall asleep was if I was physically exhausted. sleep got better over time,too.

Centered3

Good for you for taking action!!

You've been living in your old thought patterns and habits your entire life. So they're not just going to vanish by writing a 4th step. The 4th step gives you the self-awareness of how you've been thinking and acting. Now you have to keep building that self-awareness, pause, and change you thinking and actions with your Higher Power's help. It takes practice.

Because of your 4th step or because of something else? I was told as soon as I was finished my 4th step writing for that morning, to put it away and forget about it. We're not to relive or think about what we wrote. We're to get on with life.

I was told "don't think, just do". Get out of your head when you're at work. Take a walk in fresh air if you need to or take a few deep breaths in your car.

Fantastic!

Yes. And I was told to "Just keeping writing". Don't overthink how you're "feeling". Just keep going.

Although it passed once I had the spiritual awakening and had the tools to live in 10, 11, and 12 so as to not let it rebuild when it cropped back up, you need to be vigilant and practice. I was taught anytime I was in resentment, to figure out what the fear is, and ask God to remove the fear. Hopefully you'll be taught this in your Step 4 "Fear inventory".

Don't overthink it. Are you meditating but listening to your mind telling you how long it's taking you to fall asleep? If so, maybe read a book that will get you tired and your mind off things.

january161992

81 days and on step 4? AWESOME !!!

great job

i balked at the steps in my 1st year and then got thrown into a locked psych ward before i became willing to follow direction

Bunny211

Step 4 is hard. A lot of people cannot look at it for years. I started my 4th step at around 5 months sober and it took me a solid 7 months to write it. Don't beat yourself up. If it is too hard...pout it down for a bit and pick it back up when you can. It's not a race. That being said, I firmly believe that writing my 4th, sharing my 5th, and making amends removed my desire to drink and if I had not taken action, I don't know where I would be! Hugs to you!

48heath

I was over a year sober before I started work on my step 4,my head was in no state to start any sooner.

For sleeping I can suggest Camomile tea,it tastes OK with some honey added to it.

Wishing you well.

Scruffanie

'Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there' - my meditation app gives me daily sayings and this was today's.

Thank you everyone for your replies, experience and advice. I think I expected for my mind to change without any effort on my part! And that definitely is an old way of thinking that kept leading me to drinking.

Although it is often tiring I really love the insights and epiphanies I am having. I realized the old thought pattern of self pity is what's going on at the moment. Yeah, I'm tired, my back hurts and I keep having headaches but the good in my life far outweighs the bad. Time to be more grateful.

So...I know I'm on the right track but I'm standing up today and starting to move - before I get run over!

xx Scruff

LadyBlue0527

Great responses!

Very shortly I will be doing Step 4 for the third time. I got there once when I was sober for 18 mos then again last year when I got sober again. Much more writing that time through. Parted ways with sponsor due to nothing that had to do with drinking and am now about to start it for the 3rd time with a new sponsor.

It's a lot. It is. But it's meant to be. What got me through was instead of doting and being dormant about the act itself and getting down I looked at it as a spiritual cleansing. If it's stuffed down inside I can't heal until I face it. So here I go again. Don't think I don't want to pick up that old notebook and use it But I won't. I think it might be interesting for me to compare too.

Step 4 the first time though is taking out the heavy trash. For the last time. You'll do the steps many times but if you work all the steps properly you won't harbor things for years and years so it will be easier to toss out the garbage as it comes.