Why do I do this?
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 937
Alcohol addiction often causes us to "self sabotage" or "be triggered" because intellectually we understand the binging is wrong/bad for us, so we need a reason - any reason - to pour that first drink down our throats. Ultimately despite whatever circumstance life deals, it is only us pouring or not pouring the poison in our bodies.
Very early sobriety sucks. Sleep disappeared (for me), craved sugar, raw nerves, pissed off at everyone, just miserable.
But then. Then when your mind starts to heal, and sleep returns, and odd things genuinely make you laugh during the day, and a new calm starts to pervade your spirit - you start to get a taste of the real you, and life begins to seem much more interesting.
You have to grit your teeth and have faith in the very early days and dont break the promise to YOU - today, no matter what happens, I WILL NOT drink.
A few months of discomfort and misery beat a certain destiny of heartache and pain, right?
You can do this! You are the only one who can do this!!!
Very early sobriety sucks. Sleep disappeared (for me), craved sugar, raw nerves, pissed off at everyone, just miserable.
But then. Then when your mind starts to heal, and sleep returns, and odd things genuinely make you laugh during the day, and a new calm starts to pervade your spirit - you start to get a taste of the real you, and life begins to seem much more interesting.
You have to grit your teeth and have faith in the very early days and dont break the promise to YOU - today, no matter what happens, I WILL NOT drink.
A few months of discomfort and misery beat a certain destiny of heartache and pain, right?
You can do this! You are the only one who can do this!!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 105
Honestly, the drink is always "there" for me. It doesn't criticize me, abandon me, have to go to work, go on a date (like my parents always did)...
It's comfort when I don't have any other.
That's very powerful and scary. Because my mind skips right over the "getting sick" part if I'm suffering.
I'll pray, I'll try to love myself. I don't know how.
It's comfort when I don't have any other.
That's very powerful and scary. Because my mind skips right over the "getting sick" part if I'm suffering.
I'll pray, I'll try to love myself. I don't know how.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: Madison, WI
Posts: 793
Hi Melissa. I just wanted to say that I have ben where you are, and its no fun. I hope you start feeling better, and can find a way to love yourself. Because that is where we need to start. I struggle with that myself. Its not an easy road, but I've heard its worth it?
Canine Welfare Advocate
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
Posts: 10,962
Depression is a psychological disorder. Despair is a spiritual disorder. It was the Danish philosopher and theologian, Kierkegaard who said that depression is a general feeling, while despair “is marked by a desire to get rid of the self, an unwillingness to become who you fundamentally are.” Who, better than the alcoholic or addict, understands wanting to get rid of ourselves. That is what getting drunk and high is. If we are unwilling to be who we fundamentally are--in a clean and sober state--then we have to look at despair as being one of the causes of that failure.
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 2,950
I have always suffered from a low self worth stemming from childhood abuse and bullying and then a lot of failures and heartbreaks as an adult.. it is no wonder I leaned so hard on alcohol! What got me out of it, personally, was deciding to put my faith in God, and then seeking out stories of women who have had similar experiences as me, the abuse, the bullying, the deep-seated shame and self-loathing and addiction as adults, and I found out how they survived and overcame it and came to believe they were worthy. I had to SEE that I wasn't alone and that it was possible to go through all that and survive it and be happy. I'm only 6 months sober and I'm still dealing with a lot of ups and downs but I am learning how to treat myself better and live a happy life, slowly but surely. One thing I knew, was that I couldn't even begin this work if I didn't quit drinking.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,510
Melissa, I lived a life of self-sabotage for a long time, too. I would ruin anything good that came along. What worked for me was shifting my thinking and believing that I did deserve a good life. We all do.
I think that stopping drinking will give you the basis for believing in yourself and that you can be the person you want to be.
I think that stopping drinking will give you the basis for believing in yourself and that you can be the person you want to be.
All is Change
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Australia
Posts: 1,284
I am many things. Things that are good for me to be and things that are not good for me to be. I can choose to identify myself with the things that are good. Sometimes that is not a lot of me but I choose to step into that space and not step out of it. As I do that the other aspects of me intrudes or I become very aware of that and I feel overwhelmed. If I continually choose to step in to and stand in the space where there is good in me, slowly that space starts to grow. I haven't lied about who I am, I've simply changed what aspects of who I am I choose to live with. The other aspects, apart from getting a bit frantic about its lot, I have to not get complacent when it seems so liberating to be freed from the negativities as they wither and pass away. There is change. Deeper negativities arise, to pass away. They are no longer suppressed and no longer need to be acted on. The inner peace grows.
It's not pretending to be something you are not, it's choosing to identify with and defend the parts of your self that are good for your recovery.
It's not pretending to be something you are not, it's choosing to identify with and defend the parts of your self that are good for your recovery.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 105
Here we go-the anxiety, guilt , shame, panic, tears, memories...
This is typically when I relapse after doing well.
I'll go through this because I literally can't drink anymore and then the cycle starts over.
I'm hoping God will hear myprayers and show me the way.
This is typically when I relapse after doing well.
I'll go through this because I literally can't drink anymore and then the cycle starts over.
I'm hoping God will hear myprayers and show me the way.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
melissa, have you tried a gratitude list? even if it's just 2 or 3 items. anything for which you are grateful. it can be simple....like Shelter. or even SR. food in the cupboard. a pet. heck, a surviving house plant!
this helps us move from the mindset of LACK (fear, guilt, low self worth) to a sense of ABUNDANCE. our lives could always be much, much worse. and they can also be much, much better.
there is a saying: What we RESIST, PERSISTS. it has to do with all the negative energy we throw at changing. all the i cant's. all the why this won't work for me. all the clinging to the bad things that happened to us, rather than reaching for all the good that CAN happen.
another take on this is: There are no problems, only RESISTANCE to the solutions.
take your eyes off the rear view mirror, and look instead to what lies ahead. become willing.
this helps us move from the mindset of LACK (fear, guilt, low self worth) to a sense of ABUNDANCE. our lives could always be much, much worse. and they can also be much, much better.
there is a saying: What we RESIST, PERSISTS. it has to do with all the negative energy we throw at changing. all the i cant's. all the why this won't work for me. all the clinging to the bad things that happened to us, rather than reaching for all the good that CAN happen.
another take on this is: There are no problems, only RESISTANCE to the solutions.
take your eyes off the rear view mirror, and look instead to what lies ahead. become willing.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,443
I'm glad you feel a little hope now Melissa.
That was what I needed too...I had no confidence in myself to stay sober...but I believed the people here when they said it was possible...and lo and behold it was
It was hard - I drank with and for anything - but I knew I wasn't alone, and I leant on that support when I needed it
Changing my life was scary as anything - but I'm so so glad I did it.
D
That was what I needed too...I had no confidence in myself to stay sober...but I believed the people here when they said it was possible...and lo and behold it was
It was hard - I drank with and for anything - but I knew I wasn't alone, and I leant on that support when I needed it
Changing my life was scary as anything - but I'm so so glad I did it.
D
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 105
Thank you . I'm trying to forgive myself and use some of the techniques in this thread to manage my crazy thoughts.
My obsessive thinking will land me back to square one in two weeks if not sooner if I don't do something differently.
My obsessive thinking will land me back to square one in two weeks if not sooner if I don't do something differently.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,443
Get a Plan :)
I understand this may look like a lot of reading but it's really easy to understand,
A good plan can be the basis of lasting recovery:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ery-plans.html
D
A good plan can be the basis of lasting recovery:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ery-plans.html
D
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2015
Posts: 928
The obsessive thinking is part of the disease, IMO. I have it too. I used to drink to quiet the thoughts, and the uncomfortable feelings that came with them. That feeling of being out of control.
Drinking only quieted them temporarily. They always came roaring back the next day. Repeat cycle.
You have to go through it. It sucks at first. At 40 days, Its just starting to get slightly more manageable. I still have racing thoughts, fears, resentments but the accompanying anxiety and discomfort has dampened. I'm actually starting to believe I can solve some problems that used to seem insurmountable.
You can do it.
Drinking only quieted them temporarily. They always came roaring back the next day. Repeat cycle.
You have to go through it. It sucks at first. At 40 days, Its just starting to get slightly more manageable. I still have racing thoughts, fears, resentments but the accompanying anxiety and discomfort has dampened. I'm actually starting to believe I can solve some problems that used to seem insurmountable.
You can do it.
Recovering
Join Date: May 2012
Location: UK
Posts: 1,361
Accepting that the first couple of months suck has helped me. You're not doing anything wrong if you feel miserable.
Taking time to just really slow down - sitting, or walking really slowly, helps many of us. I think a lot of us give it different names (meditation, prayer, mindfulness, or a name even more mystic). Though that too, at first, feels too difficult as we have so many thoughts going around in our head we feel they will never slow. But they do, in time.
Healing is slow, and at times painful. But we do heal in sobriety.
Taking time to just really slow down - sitting, or walking really slowly, helps many of us. I think a lot of us give it different names (meditation, prayer, mindfulness, or a name even more mystic). Though that too, at first, feels too difficult as we have so many thoughts going around in our head we feel they will never slow. But they do, in time.
Healing is slow, and at times painful. But we do heal in sobriety.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2015
Posts: 60
Melissa,
I am very much like you and am going through this today actually. I slipped up again last night for no real reason that I know of, just decided I was going to do it, did it and now feel remorseful and helpless. The why questions....why do I do this to myself? Why can't I seem to stop doing this to myself? It's like a nightmare that keeps repeating itself over and over. I have so much respect for those who have a month or better of sobriety under their belt. I aspire to be like them and want this for myself so badly. Lets try to do this together and keep supporting US through SR. Join the Tuesday and Friday meetings and the Feb class too. I have fallen away recently, but I know I need to stay right here to stop this madness. Have an amazing day!
I am very much like you and am going through this today actually. I slipped up again last night for no real reason that I know of, just decided I was going to do it, did it and now feel remorseful and helpless. The why questions....why do I do this to myself? Why can't I seem to stop doing this to myself? It's like a nightmare that keeps repeating itself over and over. I have so much respect for those who have a month or better of sobriety under their belt. I aspire to be like them and want this for myself so badly. Lets try to do this together and keep supporting US through SR. Join the Tuesday and Friday meetings and the Feb class too. I have fallen away recently, but I know I need to stay right here to stop this madness. Have an amazing day!
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