A selfish request.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Nutmegger
Posts: 1,799
Hi Mera,
I have struggled with feeling stuck and sad as well. I guess one of the positive aspects of aging is that it continues to give me wider and wider perspective when looking backward. I have noticed that it is typically when I am in the most pain or most anxious it inevitably tends to be a period of personal growth.
Learning to sit with anxiety and psychological discomfort has been one of the biggest challenges to me in sobriety. I have wondered if an aspect of being an alcoholic is that change rattles us....
I have noticed transitions are hard for me. I notice it when I travel, it takes a bit to get my bearings, I have noticed it after having houseguests leave, etc. I used to use alcohol to smooth out those periods and now without it I am conscious of the fact that those periods can bring on unreasonable anxiety, and I am learning to accept that and know that it does not last.
I think it is wonderful that you had the self-awareness to come here and ask for what you need. To me that is a huge indicator of someone who has considerable insight and is strong enough to be vulnerable. Whatever you are doing or have done comes shining through, and while you may not see it right now, your authenticity to me is a sign of a very enlightened person.
You matter a lot and have touched people here more than you know. You are in the dreaded chop wood carry water phase but it won't last. Keep reaching out and communicating you needs, there are a lot of us pulling for you!
I have struggled with feeling stuck and sad as well. I guess one of the positive aspects of aging is that it continues to give me wider and wider perspective when looking backward. I have noticed that it is typically when I am in the most pain or most anxious it inevitably tends to be a period of personal growth.
Learning to sit with anxiety and psychological discomfort has been one of the biggest challenges to me in sobriety. I have wondered if an aspect of being an alcoholic is that change rattles us....
I have noticed transitions are hard for me. I notice it when I travel, it takes a bit to get my bearings, I have noticed it after having houseguests leave, etc. I used to use alcohol to smooth out those periods and now without it I am conscious of the fact that those periods can bring on unreasonable anxiety, and I am learning to accept that and know that it does not last.
I think it is wonderful that you had the self-awareness to come here and ask for what you need. To me that is a huge indicator of someone who has considerable insight and is strong enough to be vulnerable. Whatever you are doing or have done comes shining through, and while you may not see it right now, your authenticity to me is a sign of a very enlightened person.
You matter a lot and have touched people here more than you know. You are in the dreaded chop wood carry water phase but it won't last. Keep reaching out and communicating you needs, there are a lot of us pulling for you!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 4,251
Thanks everyone and thanks Dee for asking. Also a big shout out to MicroMarco, I see you are a new user here, thank you for posting that poem, I love it and it is a good reminder. I think I will do what you have done and print it out for me to see every day.
I am doing better today. My kids returned yesterday after a week of skiing with their father. I had the nicest moment with my older son yesterday, something that really made me feel good and see how far I have come. he was tired after a week of intense skiing and probably staying up late with his father and friends. I don't let the kids play with my phone or use electronics that much but they do have a few games on m phone. Yesterday I let my son play with it some and he became very frustrated with the game and eventually had a little meltdown, he said "I want papi! I want my papi!" I, being sober and of sound mind, recognised that he was tired and frustrated. I pulled him into my arms and we got comfortable on my bed and I held him and let him cry. I asked if he wanted to call his father but he said no. I rubbed his back and told him "you probably feel really frustrated and angry about the game, don't you?" and he said yes. I then asked him what else he was feeling. I asked him if he was angry that his papi and I didn't live together and he said yes, he was angry. He asked me, for the first time, why we don't live together. I calmly told him that when we were living together we fought a lot and were not happy and we decided that it would be easier and we would all be happier if we each lived in our own house, but that we are always a family and he will always have both his mommy and papi there for him. I asked him what made him the most angry about having two houses and he said he didn't like not knowing where he was going to sleep. So together we thought about what we could do for that. I suggested we get a special calendar where we can write out where they will be staying each night so he can always look at it and know. He liked that idea, so we will do that tonight. I also asked him a lot of other questions about his feelings and emotions and he was so mature and open with me. Sometimes he said "I have to think a minute" but he always gave a response. It was a positive parenting moment for me and it also served to give me some much needed human contact, even if it was with a young child.
I'm working really hard on my loneliness. I am actually getting ready to call the library right now to see if I can set up a free English conversation group once a week to help locals who want to improve their conversation. I think a grammar course wouldn't be a good fit as people might be at different levels or be in an d out, but conversation could be a useful service.
I am also, and this is kind of embarrassing, am going to see yet another psychologist tomorrow. I have already found a new one, but during the search I had called the local hospital service and made an appointment with a random one. I realised just today that the appointment is tomorrow. Unfortunately you have to cancel 48 hours in advance or you are charged anyway so I have decided to just go, just to have some human contact for an hour, even though this doctor is a male (I don't want that) and charges almost triple what my other new doctor charges. I am just so lonely right now, I will pay for one hour of contact with anyone at this point.
Lastly, yesterday when my son and I were talking I asked him if any of his classmates also had two houses. at first he said no, but I reminded him that Zoe did. he said "ah yes" and then he listed about four or five other classmates who also have separated parents. I was thinking of trying to contact them all privately (not on the big class group) and see if they would like to form a social group where we could all meet once a week to play together and maybe even talk about the kids feelings or frustrations. I don't know if that is a good idea or not, I am obviously not a professional at these things, but maybe it would be good for the kids. I will think on it.
I'm hanging in there, sometimes by a thin string, but I am really trying.
I am doing better today. My kids returned yesterday after a week of skiing with their father. I had the nicest moment with my older son yesterday, something that really made me feel good and see how far I have come. he was tired after a week of intense skiing and probably staying up late with his father and friends. I don't let the kids play with my phone or use electronics that much but they do have a few games on m phone. Yesterday I let my son play with it some and he became very frustrated with the game and eventually had a little meltdown, he said "I want papi! I want my papi!" I, being sober and of sound mind, recognised that he was tired and frustrated. I pulled him into my arms and we got comfortable on my bed and I held him and let him cry. I asked if he wanted to call his father but he said no. I rubbed his back and told him "you probably feel really frustrated and angry about the game, don't you?" and he said yes. I then asked him what else he was feeling. I asked him if he was angry that his papi and I didn't live together and he said yes, he was angry. He asked me, for the first time, why we don't live together. I calmly told him that when we were living together we fought a lot and were not happy and we decided that it would be easier and we would all be happier if we each lived in our own house, but that we are always a family and he will always have both his mommy and papi there for him. I asked him what made him the most angry about having two houses and he said he didn't like not knowing where he was going to sleep. So together we thought about what we could do for that. I suggested we get a special calendar where we can write out where they will be staying each night so he can always look at it and know. He liked that idea, so we will do that tonight. I also asked him a lot of other questions about his feelings and emotions and he was so mature and open with me. Sometimes he said "I have to think a minute" but he always gave a response. It was a positive parenting moment for me and it also served to give me some much needed human contact, even if it was with a young child.
I'm working really hard on my loneliness. I am actually getting ready to call the library right now to see if I can set up a free English conversation group once a week to help locals who want to improve their conversation. I think a grammar course wouldn't be a good fit as people might be at different levels or be in an d out, but conversation could be a useful service.
I am also, and this is kind of embarrassing, am going to see yet another psychologist tomorrow. I have already found a new one, but during the search I had called the local hospital service and made an appointment with a random one. I realised just today that the appointment is tomorrow. Unfortunately you have to cancel 48 hours in advance or you are charged anyway so I have decided to just go, just to have some human contact for an hour, even though this doctor is a male (I don't want that) and charges almost triple what my other new doctor charges. I am just so lonely right now, I will pay for one hour of contact with anyone at this point.
Lastly, yesterday when my son and I were talking I asked him if any of his classmates also had two houses. at first he said no, but I reminded him that Zoe did. he said "ah yes" and then he listed about four or five other classmates who also have separated parents. I was thinking of trying to contact them all privately (not on the big class group) and see if they would like to form a social group where we could all meet once a week to play together and maybe even talk about the kids feelings or frustrations. I don't know if that is a good idea or not, I am obviously not a professional at these things, but maybe it would be good for the kids. I will think on it.
I'm hanging in there, sometimes by a thin string, but I am really trying.
Friendly Folk
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Powers Lake, Wisconsin
Posts: 21,718
I am thinking about you, Mera. Your posts have made me look into my own lonliness and anxiety of change and loss. The last time I cried was out of anger. I am realizing that I hold alot of things inside. Maybe it is because my feelings aren't so 'pretty'.
You sound like you are doing a terrific job as a mother. Great ideas and instinct with your son.
You sound like you are doing a terrific job as a mother. Great ideas and instinct with your son.
under new management
Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: Calgary, Alberta
Posts: 2,339
Mera 
Your recent post regarding your son was really excellent! What a beautiful example of fantastic parenting!!
Also, I thought both of your ideas, the library and conversational English group and the single parents group, are top notch!
Your recent post regarding your son was really excellent! What a beautiful example of fantastic parenting!!
Also, I thought both of your ideas, the library and conversational English group and the single parents group, are top notch!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 4,251
Hello all and thank you again. I am feeling a bit brighter in the past few days. I saw the other psychiatrist and had a nice visit. Got my meds straightened out (lightened up) and feel much better already. Maybe it is just a placebo thing but I seem to feel more fresh and "with it"
I also have tried to get active in getting active- up and out of the house. No use complaining that I am sad and alone if I don't do anything about it.
I joined a new gym. I had been going to see a personal trainer by appointment (who also happens to be me on again/off again boyfriend) We are off-again now and in any case, I think a public gym with more people around will be good for me. I have gone to do weights as I usually do but for the past two mornings I have taken the group classes. I haven't gathered up the nerve to chat with the others at the beginning fo class but I'll get there. I got a super deal because they are running a special.
I also have signed up for Karate! I have my first lesson tonight, I am excited about that. I will go three times a week. I just ironed my kimono.
I couldn't get a hold of the right person at the library for the English conversation but will keep at that.
I have also reached out to the school I used to teach for and am looking into taking French lessons. Why the hell not? I am not working there anymore due to payment issues (they reduced my pay without consulting me first so out of principle and pride I quit- on good terms). However, I am going look into trading an hour of English services for the French lessons to save money.
Gotta keep at it!
Have a good weekend everyone!
I also have tried to get active in getting active- up and out of the house. No use complaining that I am sad and alone if I don't do anything about it.
I joined a new gym. I had been going to see a personal trainer by appointment (who also happens to be me on again/off again boyfriend) We are off-again now and in any case, I think a public gym with more people around will be good for me. I have gone to do weights as I usually do but for the past two mornings I have taken the group classes. I haven't gathered up the nerve to chat with the others at the beginning fo class but I'll get there. I got a super deal because they are running a special.
I also have signed up for Karate! I have my first lesson tonight, I am excited about that. I will go three times a week. I just ironed my kimono.
I couldn't get a hold of the right person at the library for the English conversation but will keep at that.
I have also reached out to the school I used to teach for and am looking into taking French lessons. Why the hell not? I am not working there anymore due to payment issues (they reduced my pay without consulting me first so out of principle and pride I quit- on good terms). However, I am going look into trading an hour of English services for the French lessons to save money.
Gotta keep at it!
Have a good weekend everyone!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 3,550
Hi Mera:
It looks like things are brightening up for you! I am so happy! Getting going with the exercise will make you feel much better. And getting out and seeing people will do that too!
Please let me know if I can do anything to help you. And do keep in touch! Every good wish.
Hugs. Bill.
It looks like things are brightening up for you! I am so happy! Getting going with the exercise will make you feel much better. And getting out and seeing people will do that too!
Please let me know if I can do anything to help you. And do keep in touch! Every good wish. Hugs. Bill.
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