catlover1989

7 days. Among the hardest but proudest 7 days of my life. Since joining this website, I went 7 days sober - which is the longest I've gone in forever. But on Thursday night, I undid that.

I had an extremely frustrating day at work - came in at 4am and left at 8pm. My frustration got the better of me and I drank. It wasn't so straight forward - me relapsing. Initially, after work, I went home, cooked and then went to the gym for a late night session - working out was my plan to blow off some steam, instead of boozing.

I bumped into an old friend in the gym car park. He likes to smoke weed before lifting weights. I'm not really big on weed - I'll smoke it from time to time but it's something I can go without. Because I was so wound up that day, I thought "a joint may be all I need." I smoked the joint with my friend in his car and then we went to the gym and worked out. Afterwards, the effect of the high was still in my mind and just contemplating the taste of whisky left me weak. Weed makes everything seem okay, and at the time I thought, "well, one glass of Jameson isn't going to hurt."

I and my friend ended up at a bar. He only drank a couple bottles of beer before leaving (man, I envy people who can do that). My one glass of Jameson turned into me buying the entire bottle and finishing it.

I didn't come to this website immediately because I was so ashamed. Not only because I feel like I let myself down, but also the people here - the ones who have been so welcoming and supportive as if they were my own family. I haven't drank since that night. 2 days sober now. Yesterday my cousin showed up at my house with some booze and some guys and girls for a little social get together. I left them in the house and came to work in order to avoid temptation.

I dislike cliches, but one thing I've learned from Thursday night is that I'll never be a "one or two glasses" kind of man. And that even though my addiction is strictly limited to booze, any other kind of drug like weed, is also off-limits, because it distorts my way of thought and makes me highly susceptible to relapsing.

MissPerfumado

Onwards, ever onwards. Sounds like you've reflected on some of the things you'll do differently from now on.

I might add a cautionary note about the work stress. That's a lot of hours you're working, catlover! Work stress was one of those things I coped with by drinking ... there was a strong connection in my case. Do you need to work all those hours? Just something to also think about ...?

I really congratulate you for coming back after the slip. I lasted 8 days the first time I was on SR but I didn't have the guts to come back and I disappeared for another year. You sound determined to get back on the horse and that is fantastic.

PhoenixJ

Will always welcome you, am always supportive. No judgements here. Shite happens. Learn from it and move on. Turn the shame and guilt into action, hey? Good you posted. What can you do differently next time CL ? PJ

catlover1989

Hello, Miss Perfumado

Yeah, it's cliched but I have learned from this mistake. Prior Thursday, I thought I could perhaps have a joint from time to time, while still striving to remain sober. Now I know that's not going to happen.

Regarding work - Thursday was an exception. I usually work from around 8 to 5 but on Thursday I had a lot of work to do. I'm a documentary producer for a TV station, so working odd hours isn't that unusual, but usually never so lengthy as it was on Thursday.

I completely understand about the correlation between work and drinking. There is definitely a big link, especially if the job is stressful. How did you overcome it?

Thank you for your kind words. Yes, I am determined to get back on the wagon. You don't make a basket with every attempt - so I think I just need to adopt that mentality and move on.

catlover1989

Hello, Phoenix. Thanks for posting. Not gonna lie - you were one of the posters I felt I let down a lot, 'cause you have been so supportive.

As to what I can do differently - the first is definitely stay away from weed. Like I said it's not something I' m really big on, but if I do smoke a joint, I'll always think I can handle "a shot or two and that's it." When that's far from the truth.

Second (this will be harder) I think I need to cull the people I associate with. Like right now, my closest friends are people who drink/smoke weed. I think I need to delicately extricate myself from that circle. If not extricate, then explain to them why I can't be around them when they are drinking. For instance yesterday my cousin came around with some booze and some folks. This is something I and him have done a million times (he doesn't know I'm trying to stay sober). Yesterday I avoided temptation by coming to work and leaving my cousin and other folks at my place. Long-term, that's an untenable compromise.

Next week I plan on explaining to my cousin that I'm an alcoholic, and that I'm trying to stay sober - and that he should stop bringing booze at my place. He's a good dude so he'll understand.

Dee74

Hi catlover
I think all of us can identify with relapsing, especially after a joint...
the important thing is you're back, and you learned something.

I think MissPs point on balance is important too.

I know there must not be too much support in the ground there but with this site and online versions of AA and other methods around, I'm certain you can make the leap to permanent lasting recovery

D

SnazzyDresser

Breaking a sober streak can be humbling. Important thing is to get back to stacking the sober days as soon as possible. Catlover, you sound like a sharp guy who's gonna get a handle on this thing quicker than most. Hang in there.

catlover1989

Hello, Dee

Thanks for commenting. Yeah, one thing I can take from this is that I learned valuable lessons. I guess you learn from your mistakes. Hopefully I can use those mistakes to my advantage in the future.

Means a lot that you have so much faith in me. Thank you.

catlover1989

Hello, Snazzy

Yes, you're right. It certainly is humbling. Especially the morning after.

Thanks for your support. I mean it. It helps.

canguy

Cya back in the Feb class, okay Catlover?
.....ppl have been asking after you.

Talk again soon

MissPerfumado

The work thing was a whole separate hang-up I had to address. The key thing was the stress fed my drinking.

I unwound some of the workaholic issues by fundamentally reassessing my attitude to work. I stopped tying my ego to my work, started really thinking about what I liked about it, started focussing on it as a service I provide to others, became more involved in the mentoring and community aspects, and began regarding myself as a steward in my organisation.

It was a paradigm shift in my attitude.

Now when I have to put in long hours from time to time (as you sound like you do), it isn't anywhere near as stressful. It's closer to a vocation than a job.

As Confucius said: Choose a job you love and you'll never have to work a day in your life.



Sorry if that sounds a bit Pollyanna-ish.

As usual, it's all about attitude.

catlover1989

Hey, canguy

I've posted in the Feb class. I scrolled through the previous pages and I must say you guys are incredible. The support so many people showed me was so wonderful. Seriously, thanks a lot.

Hope you are well.

Meraviglioso

Just want to lend my support catlover. You can do this. It is humbling to come back after a relapse, I know the feeling all to well. But the important thing is that you did it and that shows real guts and will. I like your idea of talking to your cousin and maybe weeding out some of the drinking/drugging influences in your life. It is hard to do but I think important.

Grymt

Good to see you back here. What do you plan to do next time you get frustrated.

sunitfin

Sorry to hear about that, stay strong, I'm currently on day 7 so close to breaking it's all I can do today to focus on my work and make it to tomorrow morning!

So reassuring to hear you talking about turning it into positive for the future

SueDenim

Thanks for posting, catlover. Were worried about you, and it's good to know that you are safe.

Don't beat yourself up about things. You have learned from it, and now you can move on.

See you back in the Feb class .

PhoenixJ

Post until your fingers bleed. I do. Half (at least) of my recovery has been from learning here at SR. Did not let me down. Who would I be to judge any one?
Work on a sobriety plan. What to do, say. How to CHANGE thinking. Recovery does not (or most) have a fairy alcoholic god- person. It takes work and daily support. Write stuff down- everything. When I first got out of hospital after being able to walk again- I wrote (just able to decipher)the words reflect how effed I was. SR is a goood place to grow. Read heaps. Read until your eyes water.
PJ

Done4today

Welcome back CL. if you're going to beat yourself up, use a feather. As many have said, take the positive from the situation and move on. Shame, guilt, fear keep us in the bottle.

Congratulations on Day 2!!! Keep coming back it gets easier and better.

Done4today

Here is my breakdown of relapses until now:

Lasted 6 days
Lasted 14 days
Lasted 23 days
Lasted 32 days
Lasted 44 days
Lasted 91 days
Lasted 122 days
Lasted 189 days
Lasting 420 and counting....

The relapses were a one to three day bender. I kept reading the AA book and attending meetings. This last attempt the biggest change is I got a sponsor and worked the steps. Maybe find an online sponsor and start working the steps if AA is your program of recovery.

Ariesagain

Sending you a hug. Welcome back.

You got this.