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Old 02-25-2017, 04:37 AM   #1 (permalink)
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White knuckle emotions at 20 days sober


So I just needed to get this off of my chest here because I don't have anyone I feel comfortable in turning to in real life right now.

So I've got 20 days clean and sober up but I can't seem to get a handle on my emotions, I am having intense mood swings, I go from fairly OK during the day to anxious, depressed, angry & totally overwhelmed at night and I can't seem to see the end of it.

At night I am having regular suicidal ideations (don't worry I am not close to acting on anything), but just the thought of being able to die is so reassuring to me at the moment and I can't ever remember feeling this way before.

I recently ended a (1+ year) relationship and also have a new dog who is barking heaps when I go to work (all neighbors complaining) and she is also digging up the garden and I am looking at an uncertain future with work - rationally I recognise these as 'normal' types of problems that people face, but at the moment I feel like I am actually falling apart and getting out of bed in the morning is becoming almost impossible, I took 3 days off work this wk and it's a huge struggle just to do simple things like walk the dog twice a day & clean up after myself.

I am close to going to the doctors and getting something prescribed like valium but I am hesitant of that bc I have had serious benzo addiction in the past but perhaps I will be OK if I let the doc keep close tabs on me?

Far out, this sobriety isn't a cake walk that's for sure, white knuckles tonight but holding in there. Send some strength this way if you can please.
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Old 02-25-2017, 04:44 AM   #2 (permalink)
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HC, thanks for the share. Your brain and emotions are waking up and rewiring. Good you are seeing a doc about the mood swings. Perhaps take the pooch for a long walk every day. Or maybe it is the other way around. The dog gets exercise and be with you. You get out of your head space and the exercise will release good chemicals in your brain that will help you calm the thoughts.
Be honest about the benzo's with your doc. Perhaps see about daily support- important. AA/SMART-lots out there.
Perhaps join the 'class of Feb 2017' thread?
Keep posting.
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Old 02-25-2017, 04:50 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Hi there, healthy choices. Take a step back, and take a couple of deep breaths.

Are you sure you're not going to act on your impulses there? Maybe you should consider calling a suicide hotline - just to talk through things? At least look up a number and keep it close.

Mood swings are fairly common in early sobriety, as is anxiety. I was all over the place the first few weeks.

Seeing a doctor about how you're feeling seems like a good idea. It may not be a prescription you need - a referral to a psychologist might also help. Someone to talk through getting sober, recovering, breaking up your relationship, dealing with the new pup ... that's a fair bit of stuff going on, and some help from a mental health professional may be just what you need.

As for right now, if staying close to SR helps you, then do that; post, share how you're feeling, and accept the help from the good people here.

Also, is there anyone in real life you might be able to reach out to who can be a support?
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Old 02-25-2017, 04:58 AM   #4 (permalink)
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you can begin to settle your mind by being aware of your body..I'm standing..I'm walking .. I'm sitting then as you settle a bit do the awareness of the in and out breathing.. When you calm down enough realise that all this will pass. It will. It is the past accumulation of impurities of the mind that you have been suppressing and now that you are working on your recovery it is rising up to pass away. Help it to pass by thinking of it as pus erupting from a wound, the wound will dry up, seal and heal. Don't be the pus. Be the doctor. Study it equanimously. Don't push it away or crave for some other thing to happen. Just observe it and comment on it as you do. "aha there is agitation in me , now let me see how long this last. With awareness go about your necessary household chores. Keep bringing your mind back to the awareness. In time it will quiet down and you won't have pushed it back to deal with again and you won't have added to the miseries by hating the state you are in. Finish with some loving thoughts and go to rest.
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Old 02-25-2017, 08:33 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Healthy,

I was going crazy at 80 days clean. That is when I googled....how long until I feel normal after I quit alcohol....and found sr.

I think the recovery process can take a long long time. Physically we can basically bounce back in a few weeks to months, mentally it drags on and on.

Folk relapse along the way. I have read relapse stories here from 1 day to 17 years.

I have yet to read a post where a person drank alcoholicly and then moderated successfully. My wife drinks 1 drink every 3 months or so.

I am positive my idea of moderation would end up binge drinking....I am positive. That is right where I left off. I was a mess. Physicallyand mentally. It was a horror show for me.

From day 1 of my drinking days, 1 or 2 beers never made sense to me.

It gets better. We have to suffer for a while. If we turn to meds, imo....it becomes another addiction w side effects.
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When I crave I think of the next day after effects:

high blood pressure, sleep issues, strength loss, immune system compromise (sick).

BpSSS. My mantra.

Studied "alcohol kindling" and "alcohol PAWS."

Last intoxication: 8 May 15.
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Old 02-25-2017, 01:03 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Hang in there. It's ok to get better.

Hugz.
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Old 02-25-2017, 02:32 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Thank you for the replies everyone, I appreciate it. Woke up to the hound standing on top of me panting and pawing to be toileted, fed & walked ... made me chuckle, nice way to wake up.

Phoenix,
I am going to the occasional AA meeting, still finding my confidence there as I haven't gotten up to speak yet but have met some people & I will stick at it. The dog walks do help.

MissPerfumado,
I appreciate your concern but I'm not going to act on anything, my 'suicide' would just be picking up booze / drugs again, which I'm not planning on. I do have people I can talk to but I find vulnerability almost impossible atm, stiff upper lip and all that. Easier for me to stay anonymous here, on the ze interwebs.

Grymt,
Perfect. THANKYOU. I haven't done any eastern mindfulness type practices for yonks and they have been my salvation in the past I had just forgotten they were there.

D122y,
I hear you < I'm yet to hear a successful moderation (from alcho to healthy) story either, patience is key.
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Old 02-25-2017, 02:44 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Good. there was something about how you expressed yourself that made me feel you could know what I meant. Cool.
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Old 02-25-2017, 02:54 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by healthychoices View Post
MissPerfumado,
I appreciate your concern but I'm not going to act on anything, my 'suicide' would just be picking up booze / drugs again, which I'm not planning on. I do have people I can talk to but I find vulnerability almost impossible atm, stiff upper lip and all that. Easier for me to stay anonymous here, on the ze interwebs.
You do sound much better already!

Do consider seeing a doctor and getting a referral to a psychologist. I get the stiff upper lip thing. I have it too. But I have learned to at least reach out to family and friends a bit more than I used to, just for company from time to time ... just doing that makes me feel less stressed sometimes.
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Old 02-25-2017, 03:34 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Good. there was something about how you expressed yourself that made me feel you could know what I meant. Cool.
I have meditated for years (fallen out of practice atm), so I heard you loud and clear amigo. Equanimity.
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Old 02-25-2017, 03:41 PM   #11 (permalink)
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You do sound much better already!

Do consider seeing a doctor and getting a referral to a psychologist. I get the stiff upper lip thing. I have it too. But I have learned to at least reach out to family and friends a bit more than I used to, just for company from time to time ... just doing that makes me feel less stressed sometimes.

I am planning on doing that, from memory the first 6 psychologist sessions (of the year) are free. The reaching out I am just no good with, traditionally I isolate when feeling down, which is the wrong thing to do I know, it's one of many things I would like to try to work on.
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Old 02-25-2017, 05:13 PM   #12 (permalink)
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HI HealthyChoices
An emotional rollercoaster is pretty normal - suicidal ideations are not.

I'm glad you're planning to reach out for help.

There are other crisis lines and things you can reach out to as well:

Salvos Care Line
24 hr counselling- 1300 36 36 22

Lifeline
24 hr counselling. All Issues.
Phone: 13 11 14 (cost of local call from landline)

Lifeline crisis chat
https://www.lifeline.org.au/Find-Hel...es/crisis-chat

Counselling online
https://www.counsellingonline.org.au/

Suicide Call Back Service
Phone: 1300 659 467
Seven days a week, 24/7
https://www.suicidecallbackservice.org.au/
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Old 02-25-2017, 05:16 PM   #13 (permalink)
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I am very familiar with white knuckling. I really don't see any way around it at times, esp. in early sobriety. I deal with a lot of anxiety as well as a range of issues that trigger a spectrum of emotions, all of which I used as an excuse to drink at one time or another. Sometimes I just have to sit still and just let the wave pass.
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Old 02-25-2017, 05:59 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Dee,

thank you, I'm not going to act on anything though I am quite certain, it's just the concept of oblivion that's reassuring to me at times.
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Old 02-25-2017, 06:06 PM   #15 (permalink)
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on your 20 days of sobriety!!
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Old 02-25-2017, 06:10 PM   #16 (permalink)
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Quote:
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I am very familiar with white knuckling. I really don't see any way around it at times, esp. in early sobriety. I deal with a lot of anxiety as well as a range of issues that trigger a spectrum of emotions, all of which I used as an excuse to drink at one time or another. Sometimes I just have to sit still and just let the wave pass.
Sitting still and letting the wave pass is a nice analogy, I'll use that one, thank you.
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