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Old 02-21-2017, 09:48 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Pre-wedding party and i did not handle it well


I didn't want to go. This was for my friend-ish who is on wedding #4. Her friends from church threw her a bachelorettes party. None of them know how many times she's been married. Not that it matters I guess, but I was stressed out about not saying too much.

The lady across from me kept making disparaging remarks about people who elope. I eloped with my husband 17 years ago. Still married and very much in love.

Then the waitress, who'd been running her but off for us forgot to put an entree on the ticket. The same lady complaining about people who elope said we shouldn't say anything because "the restaurant will cover it." I said "No ma'am more than likely the server would have it taken out of HER check. That really isn't a very nice thing to do to someone." Then I told the waitress about the missed entree and paid for it myself. For goodness sakes.

Everyone was drinking and making a big deal about it. Most of them were stay at home mom's though and seemed excited to be out of the house.

It's not their fault I can't drink but I sure felt edgy. The bride to be was sure to comment about how nice it was of these ppl who hardly even know her to plan this big night for her, while I didn't do anything. LOL
Thank goodness I live an hour away and thus had a good excuse to leave early. I think the lesson here is that I'm not gonna do things I really don't want or need to do anymore. I was grumpy and outspoken and I'd have been better off staying home, then they would probably still like me. Ha ha.
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Old 02-21-2017, 09:57 PM   #2 (permalink)
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If you stayed sober I think you passed

But yeah - I stayed away from events like that for a while - it's really easy to bite off more than you can chew.

D
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Old 02-21-2017, 10:03 PM   #3 (permalink)
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If you stayed sober I think you passed

But yeah - I stayed away from events like that for a while - it's really easy to bite off more than you can chew.

D
Thank you dear Dee, yes I felt more tested than normal but no I did not drink! I started to get that uncomfortable buzz at the back of my head and knew when it was time to make my exit. Bars and newly recovering alcoholics don't mix all that well
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Old 02-21-2017, 10:04 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Thank you dear Dee, yes I felt more tested than normal but no I did not drink! I started to get that uncomfortable buzz at the back of my head and knew when it was time to make my exit. Bars and newly recovering alcoholics don't mix all that well
Or any recovering alcoholics for that matter...
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Old 02-21-2017, 10:18 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Not doing things you don't really want to do is one of the core lessons of this whole journey for me.

It has extended and expanded into not doing jobs I don't enjoy, to not commiting to lovers if I don't feel safe & happy, and even to very consciously choosing where I WANTED to live & then making it happen.

For me, it is probably the source lesson of sobriety.

Because, what I've come to understand is that I drink/use to make peace with a life which is not making me happy. And I stay in a life that is not making me happy because somewhere along the way I was taught that this level of (unhappy) loyalty & perserverence made me a more grounded & honorable person (a better friend, better worker, better wife).

Doing things you don't want to do doesn't make you a good person! Especially if you need the lubricants of drugs & alcohol to endure your "really loyal to things you don't want" life!!

I am most honorable when I both serve/attend others & find happiness in the exact same actions! Wow. Learning this simple truth is apparently the true task of my lifetime...

Ps. I am such a better (& more fun) friend when I am also enjoying the activity...!
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Old 02-21-2017, 10:25 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Pps. Very proud of you for staying sober through your discomfort. That took some grit & intention! Well done.

Also - kudos for not stiffing the waitress on the meal. You were absolutely correct that she would have borne the cost. That was the right action...
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Old 02-21-2017, 10:30 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Not doing things you don't really want to do is one of the core lessons of this whole journey for me.

It has extended and expanded into not doing jobs I don't enjoy, to not commiting to lovers if I don't feel safe & happy, and even to very consciously choosing where I WANTED to live & then making it happen.

For me, it is probably the source lesson of sobriety.

Because, what I've come to understand is that I drink/use to make peace with a life which is not making me happy. And I stay in a life that is not making me happy because somewhere along the way I was taught that this level of (unhappy) loyalty & perserverence made me a more grounded & honorable person (a better friend, better worker, better wife).

Doing things you don't want to do doesn't make you a good person! Especially if you need the lubricants of drugs & alcohol to endure your "really loyal to things you don't want" life!!

I am most honorable when I both serve/attend others & find happiness in the exact same actions! Wow. Learning this simple truth is apparently the true task of my lifetime...

Ps. I am such a better (& more fun) friend when I am also enjoying the activity...!
It IS a simple truth and at the same time mind boggling that it can take so much suffering to learn it. I whine a lot on here but to tell you the truth Heartcore, most times I could cry with gratitude at being able to learn these things now. It takes a lot of courage to live the way you described but it's really the only life worth living.
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Old 02-21-2017, 10:44 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Pps. Very proud of you for staying sober through your discomfort. That took some grit & intention! Well done.

Also - kudos for not stiffing the waitress on the meal. You were absolutely correct that she would have borne the cost. That was the right action...
Thank you! That waitress was working very hard, and was so patient with our large group. I could not imagine in what universe that would ever be OK! I'm probably getting myself in trouble here but I've often heard that church folks can be the hardest people to wait on. Now personally I don't have anything against church going folks. But it does make one wonder!
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Old 02-22-2017, 07:35 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Heartcore said:

"Because, what I've come to understand is that I drink/use to make peace with a life which is not making me happy. And I stay in a life that is not making me happy because somewhere along the way I was taught that this level of (unhappy) loyalty & perserverence made me a more grounded & honorable person (a better friend, better worker, better wife). "

Wow. That spoke directly to me. Thank you for that. Another aspect of that I've been exploring - we as women are taught, I think, that to stand up for what WE need, just for ourselves, is somehow selfish and, dare I say it, B*tchy. We put up with a lot of things in life that make us deeply unhappy, in order to appear "ladylike" and "gentle." I'm leaning to strike a balance in life - I still want very much to be a good mother and take care of my kids - that's fulfilling to me. But my unhappy marriage wasn't, so I got out. I have been judged harshly for that. But I stand my ground on that point. I'm not blaming my ex for my drinking, but I was definitely drinking to try to alleviate some of that unhappiness. Trying to explain that to people is difficult.

Anyway - I try hard to identify things that make me unhappy or uncomfortable now, and I just don't do them, unless it's absolutely necessary. Sometimes other people don't understand that. That's not my problem.
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Old 02-22-2017, 07:49 AM   #10 (permalink)
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On the contrary, I think you did MAGNIFICENT!!!!!!!!!



Those outings are truly hard and you got through it although you had to deal with the heebie jeebies fora bit.

Rock on!
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Old 02-22-2017, 08:07 AM   #11 (permalink)
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I too have decided that I am not going to do or go anywhere that I don't want or need to go to. We have the option to say "no" when invited. Do people get nasty about it sometimes? Sure, but that is their choice and not my problem.
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Old 02-22-2017, 08:11 AM   #12 (permalink)
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I think you did really well.

I totally agree with Heartcore. The best gift I gave myself in early recovery was learning to say 'No' and feeling okay doing so. I knew I would not be able to recover if I continued to listen to things I 'should' do.
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Old 02-22-2017, 08:16 AM   #13 (permalink)
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Recognizing that situations are dicey before we get into them is learned over time. Good for you for staying sober. Sounds like it was tough. Peace.
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Old 02-22-2017, 08:58 AM   #14 (permalink)
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When i get to go to parties...no matter what...i always have a great time not drinking.

I enjoy the food so much now and there are always non drinkers to hang w. I also watch the drinkers...some content w 1 or 2 drinks...others over doing it and then try to act less intoxicated.

Consider this view point next time you get invited to a party.

Plus, we get to go home unafraid..knowing we can enjoy the drive and wake up the next day as healthy as possible.

Drinking is a learned behavior.

Thanks.
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Old 02-22-2017, 09:26 AM   #15 (permalink)
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Heartcore said:

we as women are taught, I think, that to stand up for what WE need, just for ourselves, is somehow selfish and, dare I say it, B*tchy. We put up with a lot of things in life that make us deeply unhappy, in order to appear "ladylike" and "gentle."
Hear, Hear

Saying "no" can be uncomfortable, at first, but over time, it is absolutely liberating to recognise what will not nourish me, what will be detrimental to my well being and what I simply just don't want or need to be a part of.

good for you, hopeandfaith, for doing right by the server
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