BrendaChenowyth

Let's just offer constructive suggestions that might help the OP.

biminiblue

I had fears too. Huge fears from several incidents where I was attacked/injured/abused.

Melissa, with love I am telling you you can get over these fears. You can control them - but you have to put down the alcohol in order to do that. Alcohol is just compounding your problems and now you've let your past control you. It doesn't have to be that way and that is not the life God wants for you. You've mentioned God several times. He wants a life of freedom and abundance for you. He wants you to let go and let Him heal your wounds.

Can you find a female counselor in your area who works from a church? Can you call a local church and tell them you are in crisis and need a female to help you? They may have someone who can come to your home or meet you at the church. Being so crippled by your past is heart-breaking. It's over and you're safe now. There is hope for you.

Many many hugs. Please reach out to someone in your area. Isolating with these thoughts and alcohol is going to end very badly. PTSD is magnified by alcohol. Ask me how I know.

Steely

You doing OK Melissa? Even if you don't find a solution immediately, not drinking is still the solution to start. You can do this.

Are there any other services available in your area outside of the AA meetings? What is available?

A women's meeting sounds good. You will find that many of the women have had similar experiences to your own. When I did use AA I found that to be my experience.

Wishing you the very best.

Dee74

I'm worried for you too Melissa.

Maybe online meetings - and every recovery method has them - might be a step forward for you?

You could also rejoin the Class of February support thread?
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...art-2-a-8.html
D

DontRemember

I've been getting females from a few of my meetings trying to 'friend' me on facebook..It caught me as weird and I ignored them but, I could see how it could open up the predator box.. I hope you find something that works and you feel safe in.

mack215

I haven't read this whole thread but I have found AA to be discouraging. I have attend multiple meetings in different locations and styles.

From a man's point of a view, I found it off putting to be aggressively approached, and poked regarding questions regarding in the contexts of :why I am here, whats my drug of choice, ect, and thus been given phone numbers. By the 2nd meeting, several people are asking for rides, or to hangout, or whatever.

My problem is that it feels like a social club, and if I'm not with the in crowd that I am some sort of weirdo. All I want to is sit there and be in the environment and grow from that. I don't need to be thrown into the pool. Let me dip my toe and feel my way in. In almost every other aspect of life, I believe in total or partial submersion regarding learning or experiencing things be it a new hobby, new culture, ect.

So barring sexual approaches which is obviously the utmost heinous, I understand why people pushing for immediate social connections at AA can be a complete turn off to AA altogether. Honestly, I believe whomever is running that AA meeting, or perhaps some other designee should be the only person who can approach someone who appears to be new or not comfortable with the current environment of AA. Perhaps some protocol of: Introduce themselves as some appointed greeter and only ask "what can I do for you today?" If we reply "nothing, I just want to be here," than that should be the end of the conversation. Obviously, this could be work shopped, but, man, the times I have tried AA and I feel like a hawks are flying over at times. I can imagine this is 10-fold worse for a female.


This turned into a lot more than I expected, but I thank Melissa for bringing up this topic. Please at least stay here as this community seems pretty awesome with support within your own privacy and true anonymity. I think AA is awesome for whom it helps, but for me It just didn't jive.

Dee74

I realise you and Melissa are new Mack - in this forum we try hard to focus on solutions rather than problems.

If AA's not for you, look at what else is around

There's many different approaches and methods of recovery - here's some links to some of the main players, including but not limited to AA:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...formation.html

I recommend you visit the Secular Connections forum if you think you may benefit from a non 12 step approach.

The main thing tho - whatever you decide to do - is do something.

Dee
Moderator
SR

Steely

I think Melissa was making a point about feeling preyed upon more than anything else. I think she's open to options. Just not many in her part of town, and it's important sometimes to have face to face contact.

Predatory behaviour is not to be tolerated anywhere, and to raise the point is important in carrying that message. The church got away with it like that for ever.

The sobriety of vulnerable women depends largely on feeling safe. The story should be told.

Hope I am not speaking for you Melissa, just that I can relate to very much of what you have to say.

I am not an AA basher, and learnt many good things when I attended. Met some really good women.

Dee74

No posts have been removed or edited.
None is trying to stop anyone from telling their story.

Having said that, I don't think it's fair to tar AA with one brush, anymore than it is to tar the Catholic church I belong to with broad strokes either.

Again I'd like to encourage anyone who feels AA is not right for them to explore other options.

Dee
Moderator
SR

Jojay

Good post,Anvilhead.And straight to the point

Done4today

Good luck Melissa,

As a male that uses AA as a program of recovery, I truly hope you find something that works for you. I personally don't talk to new females at meetings. I am there for my sobriety not for anything else. I have been involved in one incident at a meeting that a possible predator was making one of the females feel uncomfortable. When we asked him to leave he got belligerent and we called the police.

Anyways, I am sorry that you are having bad experiences with other members. Just remember that not all meetings are the same and AA will be there if you ever want to comeback. I will pray you find your solution.

mack215

I apologize if I came off brash and judgmental. I just sort of spilled out some of my own feelings which I understand can be a deterrent to others.

Without going off trail, I just didn't want her to blame herself or think she is the only one that felt this way. Purely I believe it comes down to finding a system that fits you and your life. I believe AA is a wonderful group.

Coldfusion

I just want to let you know that many in AA are aware of the problem of sexual predators at AA meetings, and in particular my District has requested the General Service Office to face the issue and publish some guidelines.

heartcore

You have lots of answers here, but I am compelled to tell you that I have also struggled with my experience of predatory AA members (I've posted here a few times about it).

I've been involved with AA on & off for thirty years (you'd think I'd be too old now to generate predator energy, but I must still give off some sweet shine!).

I have had horrible, scary experiences with relentless attentions which have verged on stalking. I have had very negative dating & relationship experiences in the rooms.

I have sexual abuse & trauma in my background & to have the environment that I seek for healing re-trigger, perpetuate, and extend my trauma is ludicrous & truly disturbing.

Where I am now with it: I'm pissed that distorted, angry, predatory men have run me off from the rooms of AA multiple times. I have every right to the healing community offered by the program.

I go only to women's meetings. I have found incredible depth friendships there. I no longer attend mixed meetings & likely never will again. I am an extraordinary person in recovery, and it is a sad thing that those experiences (in multiple states, multiple meetings, and over decades) would take me away from a community which needs me as much as I need it.

I do most of my sobriety work on SR, in therapy, at women's meetings, and in my professional work.

I send out the wish that all good males who are members of AA would be alert and protect your sisters!! If you see some creepy guy leaning on a woman's truck after a meeting to "talk to her alone" or if an AA woman asks you to walk her safely to her car - please, be a brother!! If you see a guy ask a newcomer woman who doesn't know what's up for her number - interrupt the conversation and take him aside to tell him "no!" Do not participate in perpetuating the culture of sex-addiction & intimidation which often finds its way into the rooms!

Please. We are also alcoholics and we deserve a truly safe seat in the circle.

Berrybean

Oh goodness. I've obviously been lucky at the meetings I've attended. But I suppose in a worldwide organisation there are likely to be some duff meetings. I must admit that I'm kind of intrigued as to what constituted being 'hit on'. I know that in my raw and newly sensitised state when I first went to AA I found it hard to deal with any kind of social situation and read all the cues, and with AA being different from any other situation I'd ever encountered, all the friendly concern I was shown sort of wrong-footed me, as it was hard for me to believe that those I met had pure and genuine motives for extending friendship. Now I know that fellowship is a big part of recovery, as is principles over personalities. Men should be keeping their distance though, and certainly nit asking for or offering phone numbers. I really do hope that you've let the Secretary of the meeting know what happened so they can keep an eye on those involved from now on, or (if it was a definite direct 'hitting on' situation, take them to one side for a chat about the AA traditions.)

Anyway. No use dwelling in the problem. I suspect that looking for some solutions might be more useful, and less likely to build on that resentment that was / is bubbling up. Resentments aren't good for sobriety for anyone, inside or outside of AA. I'd suggest visiting (or revisiting) Dee's thread about making a plan. There is so much on there that has helped others devise a plan for moving forward on their recovery journey. I'm sure there will be some things in there that are worth a try.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...y-plans-1.html

It might also be worth starting a new thread asking for ideas from others who have not gone the AA route. (I suspect that this thread keeping popping up is likely to have the effect of extending that resentment, and resentments cause us a lot of unnecessary pain and discomfort. Even justified ones - it's just like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.)

Wishing you well for your sobriety and recovery. BB

heartcore

Ps. I hope my post didn't sound like I don't have hope!

I love AA. It is my church & my family. But I also believe that churches & families can carry deeply rooted dysfunction & that the best way to change that is for us to truth-tell, to see, & to transform things together.

Statistics will confirm that the majority of women with substance abuse challenges have sexual victimization in our pasts. That means that our boundary-holding is under-developed when we walk through those doors. We are especially vulnerable.

In my previous post I asked honorable men to help strengthen those boundaries for & with us. I think our task - as women in recovery - to transform the culture could include one (or some) of the following:
A) Starting & supporting all-women's meetings, so they are an available alternative.
B) Helping to hold boundaries at mixed meetings (I knew a woman in Alaska who did this with stubborn intention - if a woman newcomer was approached by a man to exchange numbers, she would bodily throw herself between them, growling "men with men, women with women." It was valiant, but a little much.)
C) making friends with women newcomers (I think this one is the strongest!). The women in the meeting know who's sketchy! Sometimes we clump together with familiar friends & don't do the real work of connecting with new ladies. Just handing someone a list of numbers is not enough. I was terrified at the beginning. We who have some sobriety need to be "spending time" with newcomer women - inviting them to coffee, accompanying them to meetings, meeting them at yoga class. We need to call them sometimes. Help them build a life! (Because, trust me, the guy that got past my stubborn friend at the Alaska meeting is calling and inviting, & that may be the only person who reached out!)
D) honoring folks who get sober in other ways. This was hard for me at first. I thought AA was the only avenue. I've since met many people who found sobriety in other forms. It's why I love SR! You can get sober by many paths! We are all climbing the same mountain!

This stuff is ok to discuss. We are the humans who have chosen to devote ourselves to creating a wave of sobriety. We get to help build our chosen culture, to adjust it, and to make it lovely, welcoming, multi-faceted, & safe...

bubita

Melissa, I went to AA and it was very miserable... plus one of the members was drunk and didn't make sense....the rest didn't say anything and the session kept going.
Another time, a recovered man told me only to talk to him when I find Jesus!
Not for you. Not for me either.
As other lovely people in this forum tells you, AA it's not the only way. I went to the Buddhist centre. I don't know but I can be there listening, meditating, being quiet without having to listen to other people's misery.
Best wishes for you. Be strong. I have been told if I hang in there it will get better.😄

Steely

Terrific posts heartcore. The question was not about AA it was about predation. We have to protect our sisters. Their sobriety and lives depend on it.

I dont feel resentmentful Berrybean. I like this sort of discussion, it's how I work stuff out.

Also hope Dee that my posts have not been misconstrued as 'tarring all of AA with same brush'? That is so far removed from my intent, might have to go
re-read them.

Seriously, so far from what I believe. I'm not talking AA Dee, I'm talking predatory behaviour and vulnerable women trying to get clean.

Never for a moment did I even consider you editing or deleting posts. It didn't enter my mind. Just felt Melissa needed validation. So I gave it.

All I've been doing Melissa is coming here to SR, but it would be great if you could get a to a good Women's meeting. Maybe your mission is to start one

Steely

Great post too bubita.

Dee74

I'm just trying to steer the middle way and be fair to everyone Steely

D