BYB

Greetings,

I am new to this entire detox/recovery thing . I looked at a few online recovery resources and I like the format and the comments I have seen on this forum I have learned something from almost every post I have read so far on this board. A lot of insight to be gained since I have always been on the outside looking in. Now.... I guess I'm in.

I am now 53 and I started drinking regularly when I was about 17. I was never a really heavy drinker. I would say more of a steady drinker. I have only shared my reason for drinking with a few people in my life. When I was in high school, I developed a tremor in my voice. It got worse and eventually it got to the point where I struggled to speak at all on my bad days. I spent time in speech therapy in my 20's and when I was 40, I even had a series of botox injections into my vocal chords. I was diagnosed in my 20's as having a condition called spasmodic dysphonia(Robert Kennedy Jr, has the condition and it is easy to hear the tremor in his voice when he speaks) which causes the vocal chords to open or close and that causes the difficulty in speech. I learned early on that the only reliable way to get relief from the condition(for me) was to drink a few beers or other forms of alcohol.

I drank on an almost daily basis for many years and drank just enough to get me through the day based on how bad my voice was. I don't know how I managed to avoid getting caught on the road, getting fired from work(I was in the IT field for 33 years and had an hour commute each way) or develop complications from the alcohol usage. I wasn't always fit and healthy during that period but I held things together.

I have had several periods of sobriety(I didn't refer to it as sobriety since I didn't consider the other a period of drunkenness) during that stretch, some lasting a couple years. I could go without alcohol when I had a job where I did not need to rely on my voice and it was a decision I made for the sake of my health. It was amazing how much better I felt during those times. I never experienced severe withdrawal when I quit and I would lose weight and gain energy quickly. That said, my voice was a mess some days. I often thought of trying a profession where there was no need to speak but IT was something I enjoyed and could make a decent living at.

My wife of 25 years knows and understands the condition and some of my family members know and uhhhhhh, kinda understand it. I went on a couple of forums for people with Spasmodic Dysphonia and had to stop since it was depressing and I felt I was not gaining anything. There is no cure for spasmodic dysphonia although most of the sufferers on the forums said they did get relief from alcohol. Some got relief from the botox injections but I wasn't one of them. Most sounded depressed and scared and beaten down.

Anyway, I made the decision to go with alcohol. I knew the risks when I started and I knew that probably nobody ever would find it a wise or sane choice if I told them about it. I also knew the alternative since I lived with that for years at a time as well.

In 2012, I was laid off from my computer programming job with a severance package. I wanted to take some time to travel and socialize more. Since I had been drinking for years, I didn't take into full account that I could have a problem if I failed to regulate my drinking like I had when I had a work schedule. In 5 years to follow, my drinking steadily drifted out of control. I was still drinking for the same reason but I had too much time on my hands to keep it under wraps.

3 weeks ago, I ended up in the ER with severe alcohol withdrawal symptoms. Spent 7 days going through detox and then another 2 weeks struggling with post detox symptoms at home. Last night was the first good nights sleep I've had in uhhhhhhhhhhh... I can''t even remember how long..... probably a couple years. I still feel weak and tired and still going through those foggy, ear ringing, rambling bad thought periods. And night sweats... I have someone close that went through it years ago and now they are sober and they managed to help keep me in one piece.... like at 3 AM when they made me come over and talk and drink coffee instead of checking into the ER again, or worse, start drinking again.

I don't know where this will lead but I am glad I found this forum as I am definitely not a group meeting kind of guy. I will continue to read the posts on the forums and will try to add some insight if I have any to give but like I said in the beginning, this IS my first rodeo...

BYB

badger257

It is great to have you here!!!

Nic233

Welcome BYB- Great to see you here x

Done4today

Welcome BYB,

There is a lot of sobriety in these forums use this resource to your hearts desire.

AlaskaGirl

Hello BYB, and Welcome! Thank you for sharing your story.

PhoenixJ

Welcome BYB. Thanks for sharing. Keep posting.

D122y

Byb,

Booze helped me too..I thought.

But, in hindsight...I was addicted from about 17. I drank every chance I could.

I was very lucky. I was so lucky that I was able to drink myself into a horrid physical and mental state. Yay...

I quit at 50. My body and brain were fried. I had high bp, pre diabetes, anxiety, I needed booze to feel ok.

On the bright side, since I was basically cacooned in a world of booze for the last 15 or so years...I drank my whole life but ramped up 15 years ago...my body seems not that beat up. I wasn't running marathons or lifting weights for the last 15 years so my joints etc are solid.

I feel pretty strong for a 52 yo. I exercise w 30 year Olds and hold my own.

I am not out of the woods yet, but I feel like forest is clearing quite a bit.

Stay clean. It is still getting better.

BYB

d122y,

Thanks for the comments. I found myself starting to really slip when I was traveling and would drink at all hours of the day. That carried over eventually to my home life.

I am still in a state of confusion and I have had a lot of other issues to deal with so I will take it slow here and listen more than post.

Does anyone have some advice on where I can find a good avatar. I have been frustrated looking so far. I like fishing a the outdoors....

starstarstar

I still feel like that but not nearly as much as the first week... TIME.
I'm happy you're here with us!

thomas11

Welcome to SR. You said this is your first rodeo, and it can be your last rodeo as well if you develop a plan of action and make sobriety a top priority. Glad to hear you sought out medical help when you got yourself into trouble, that is usually the safest way. Sounds like you are fine now and that's great. As far as all the problems alcohol caused (lack of good sleep), all of it will improve over time. I can't give you a time frame, but most here would agree with me. Good job on quitting.

Anna

Welcome and I'm glad you found us and posted.

MsCooterBrown

Byb...I understand. I have posted a couple of times to beware of retirement. If you did the get togethers or even stayed home drinking after work...you have so much more of that drinking time...so easy to up the time hour by hour. Then you do the I won't drink before noon bargaining with yourself. It is just BS to the max. I don't get very many responses. I am hoping people know that what I post is coming from the things I do and am trying to make right. I didn't have the voice thing...I just drank to quiet my head. You just end up in an even darker place. I wish you well. I wish us all well. Take care. Glad you found us!

BYB

Thanks for your message,

I have heard many reasons for drinking and many affects that alcohol have on different people so IMHO, it isn't a one size fits all problem. The goal of people that come here is the same I guess. My voice problem is pretty rare so I don't fully expect anyone on this forum to totally be able to relate to that or to have experienced the same thing. Everyone has a deep(or not so deep) reason for why they drink. I have heard many. I have never met anyone personally that has shared my reason. Like I said, I went on a couple forums for the voice problem and while people mentioned things that helped their voice, talking about drinking was not really allowed.

Thanks again!

Dee74

Hi BYB

I don;t have SD but I have a stutter which used to almost disappear when I was drunk - unfortunately the 'remedy' almost killed me.

There are other ways to deal with my stutter - I'm guessing it's the same for SD

D

Hevyn

Good to meet you, BYB! I was older too when I discovered SR and found the courage to change my life. Not feeling alone anymore meant the world to me. You're in good company - we all understand & want to help.

Zebra1275

Welcome, glad you are here!

I finally quit drinking in my early 50's. My ability to physically recover the following day after a night of drinking decreased as I grew older. I was able to regain my good health once I quit abusing my body, hopefully the same will be true for you.

D122y

Byb,

I googled avatars.

Stay clean.

BYB

Thanks for your comments Dee74.

When I went to speech therapy, I was told that my problem was a stutter and I was given that type of therapy. It did teach me about certain aspects of using your voice but it didn't overcome the problem. I was never even properly diagnosed by the therapist although she did hint that I may have a rare disorder. I forget when it happened but I found SD online and knew I had it after reading all the symptoms. I was diagnosed shortly after by an ENT and referred to get botox injections... I also saw a neurologist that prescribed prescription meds for the condition. None of it really helped. The meds had worse side affects than alcohol and the botox was very inconsistent and I had to take off work to get it every 3 months to go down to the city to get it.

I'd like to hear more about your experience with alcohol and stuttering if you care to share it.