changing0409

Out of desperation I have come here to share my story.

About 6 months ago, the love of my life ended our relationship of 3.5 years. After a couple of years of increasingly troubling behavior when I drank, he saw that I could not stop on my own. I was working a job that was crushing my spirit, we had moved to a new city together and I felt I was having trouble making friends (probably due to the amount I was drinking when I went out). We had several awful, ugly fights and I would apologize, be sober for a week or two, and repeat the cycle. I know I hurt him so many times. He pulled away, lost respect. He gave me so many chances to turn things around and I just couldn't step up and do the right thing. Granted, he is also alcohol dependent but does not have the behavioral or emotional flips that I do. He couldn't quit with me and said he didn't want to. In order for me to get serious about sobriety, we had to separate. I know he still drinks heavily, he has said so, but seems to be focusing on the positive aspects of life and doing OK, from what I can tell.

I am still reeling from this separation. I have worked really hard to begin the process of forgiving myself. But my heart still feels as tender as when he told me it was over. I have been doing good things for myself; yoga almost everyday, exercise, meditation, reading books about people in recovery, painting, eating better. I've lost 10 lbs. that I put on the last year we were together. I have a new job, a new place to call home, a couple of new friends, started taking German classes and am back in therapy.

Still I cannot seem to be 100% sober for more than 2 weeks at a time. And when I break the sobriety, I am usually so overcome with grief and heartache about this relationship. Simply incredibly lonely and missing his companionship and touch. He loved me very deeply. We haven't spoken in over a month and it takes every bit of strength I have not to call him every.single.day.

I quit smoking pot 2 weeks ago as this was keeping my head clouded and creating anxiety. I would ruminate on the relationship. The bouts of crying have become less frequent, but the feeling is still there, deep seated and very heavy. I was attempting to quit smoking (this is a big one for me, very difficult and troubling as well). Yesterday, I spent some time with family. Normally, I have been OK to be around others while they are drinking and be able to abstain. A family member had several beers over lunch and I took a couple of sips of one. And it was over.

I got home, asked my roommate to go drink with me. I just decided that I was going to drink. I don't know how I justify it The whole weekend, the gnawing craving of wanting a drink to escape the ongoing pain of this relationship was very present and palpable. It seems inescapable and that it's not getting any better. I feel weighed down by this continual pain of missing him and wanting to make things right. So I said I would have 3 beers. That turned into 5. We had people over later in the evening and I proceeded to drink 3-4 more beers. I lost count. Ran my mouth all night, but I wasn't thinking about my ex and that was a relief.

Of course, this morning, on little sleep I wake up to reality and must go to work. I hate this feeling. I'm starting over, again.

If anyone has recommendations on how to heal after a break while also being successful in sobriety, I am on my knees. I plan on going to AA regularly (finally), although I have convinced myself it's not for me and I don't fit in. I never drank every day. But when I do drink, I can't stop. So I do fit in, but it's uncomfortable to be at those meetings. Again, I am broken and am desperate for help so I will be attending the meetings on Saturdays, when it seems my cravings to drink are the strongest.

I am trying to rewrite my story but it has become seemingly impossible certain days. I am afraid I will always feel this way and I will never be able to be happy.

noneever

You never have to feel ashamed and broken because of alcohol if you don't drink. You are going through a grieving process and yes, it's hard. But drinking only worsens it. Keep reaching out here.

Anna

Welcome and I'm really sorry for the loss and heartbreak you are feeling.

It sounds like you are doing lots of good, healthy things to support your recovery. I honestly think that, if you get past that 2 week sober period, things will begin to turn around for you. You're doing all the right things, but you aren't going to heal in two weeks, and you aren't going to heal when you keep returning to drinking. I think you just need a little more sober time and you will begin to see positive changes in your life that will help you heal. I'm so glad you found us and posted.

Delilah1

Welcome Changing,

Glad you came here and posted. I'm sorry you are dealing with heartbreak and quitting drinking at the same time.

As Anna said, sounds like you have lots of positive things in place, and committing to sobriety will help to alleviate some of the anxiety as well.

I have found that posting on SR daily has really helped me to remain committed to my sobriety. Two of the threads that help me the most are the 24 hour thread, and the monthly class (I am part of the January 2016 class)

You can do this. Start by making a plan for today, and in the beginning know it is okay to go day by day for a while.

Looking forward to seeing you on here.

❤Delilah

least

That's the old addictive pattern of thought. I thought so too when I tried to quit drinking. Thought I'd never be happy. But after I'd been sober several months my mood began to lift.

The other thing I did to actively work on my recovery was to be grateful. Each day I'd find at least one thing to be grateful for. At first it was hard, as I was very depressed. But with repetition, came improvement. Counting my blessings is now part of my daily life. And being grateful changed my attitude for the better.

Try gratitude to change your attitude.

Hevyn

I'm so glad you told your story, Changing. I hope it brings you some relief & helps with the anxiety you've been experiencing. Most of us here understand exactly how you're feeling. When I came here I was amazed at how much better I felt just by sharing my thoughts & fears. You're in good company - and you're never alone.

I drank the same way - I could never have one or two. Trying to stick to being a social drinker was impossible for me & much damage was done by not quitting all together. It feels so good to be rid of it. It's the only way to stay safe & free from danger and regret. You can do it.

badger257

Welcome! You have come to the right place. So much experience and support.

changing0409

How did you navigate being sober and social? I'm in a smallish city that has a huge drinking culture. I feel like there's nothing for me here. But I like the scenery and climate. I feel terribly lonely and isolated. I use "being social" as an excuse to drink too much.