Dealing with Lonliness
 

I have been feeling a bit down on myself lately. I have 4 1/2 months sober now, and just feel like I have been slowly taking a turn back to my depressed state of mind. One of the issues I have been dealing with is how to handle the lack of physical and emotional intimacy.

A lot of this probably stemmed from a 4 year relationship that ended while I was beginning my recovery journey; my girlfriend of 4 years broke up with me while I was in rehab. This was after we had already discussed how we were going to work on our relationship when I get out and attempt to rekindle things, then she dropped the bomb on me days before I left. She said she thinks I shouldn't be in a relationship and that I should work on myself. I know a lot of that is BS and that she basically picked the single/partying lifestyle over me. Even shortly after I realized this was the correct decision and that things likely wouldn't have worked between us, and part of me always felt that she was never the person I wanted to spend my life with, but I am hurt over it all the same.

Things felt good for a bit after, and I felt at peace with the decision, but now emotions are beginning to flood again in a torrential downpour. I know it was the correct decision, and yet I still think about this all the time. I have dreams almost nightly that I am still with her. This is even after I began to realize more and more how she treated me like **** after I moved in with her, and how she treated me like I was an expendable commodity.

I am at the point where I want to desperately move on. I see many of my friends who have been through divorces, around the same time my relationship ended, and are already bouncing back. Most of them have other girls they are talking to or have begun to pursue romantic interests, and meanwhile I have nothing. I don't get it either. I am a good looking guy, fit, muscular, intelligent, have a well paying established career, have an easy going go with the flow type of personality, and yet I feel like I am just meandering through life completely unnoticed. I am 32 years old now and I feel like the prime of my life is being wasted away.

I just don't even know how to meet people anymore. My routine is basically work, gym, meetings, go home and read for bit, go to sleep, then wake up and do it all over again. Sometimes I don't even know why I am still going through this recovery journey.

Anyways, just wanted to rant a bit and was hoping maybe someone may understand.

On the plus side, you sound like you are leading a pretty active life. Definitely more than I am. As far as your ex-GF goes, she may be right. Finding sobriety is very difficult and must be your number one priority right now. Nothing else matters without it. It's life or death, whether you realize it or not. Most inpatient rehabs, (AFAIK), insist on it's patients avoiding getting into any relationship until a person has many months of sobriety. On top of that, if your ex is still partying/drinking, honestly, that sounds like it could be a disaster waiting to happen for you. It's terrifying and hard to accept, but to stay sober, you may have to lose more than her and will eventually, get new friends who will be committed to your sobriety. Loneliness is often part of this. You go to meetings, you said, but do you have a sponsor? AA meetings sound like a good place to meet knew people with some sobriety, who know exactly what you are going through.

Trust me, I realize that staying with her likely would have been a disaster and in many ways I am glad to be rid of her. It's just that void is still there and it doesn't appear to be going anywhere anytime soon, and in many ways has gotten worse. I do frequent a lot of AA meetings, but most of the people I meet, I will talk to at the meetings, but once the meeting is over, they go back to there lives - wife, kids, significant other- and I go back to my lonely old apartment. I do have a sponsor that I am working the steps with.

i couldnt get laid in a freakin bordello with a pocket full of $100 bills


my 1st year in aa i started doing all kinds of service to others

including visiting old people in convalescent homes

turns out there are lots of pretty nurses working there and weve been married 21 years!

:tyou

oh and grats on 4 months

Some of those deep things take awhile to work their way out. Sometimes they only get uncovered and get a chance to rise and pass away after doing nothing to suppress them or add to them It could be that that is what is happening and the best way forward is to continue to not do anything wrong and let these feeling be and pass away. In time what seems mundane today can be done feeling content. From that all things flow. I find awareness / breath meditation helps to relax.

Sounds to me you're doing fine.

A sober life can be quite a shock early on. Throw in a break up or divorce at the beginning and a person's known world can come tumbling down pretty quick. So there's good news and bad news. Bad news is you're going to need to be patient. Very patient. Our lives don't get rebuilt overnight just because we've embraced recovery. It takes time. Now the good news: It's worth it. Every second of it. Because when you start to come out of it, when you really begin to see yourself grow, you're going to be amazed at the person you're becoming. Ride it out. It will get better. Better than you expect.

Even though our situations are so different, DNM13, I am having a hard time with loneliness, too. Wonderful thread, thanks!
I love hearing that things will get better if we stay sober. I believe it's true, and need to hear it often.

I agree. It is YOUR decision on whether you should or shouldn't be in a relationship not hers. It sounds like it is 100% BS to me.

I TOTALLY understand what you feel like. It was extremely frustrating for me in early recovery to see other guys (that had next to nothing to offer) slaying it with the ladies. In a sober living house I lived below a guy who was semi-********. He would have at least one new girl per week and I would have to listen to the mattress rattling at night and the next morning. It started really messing with me after a while, and every time I heard that mattress rattling I said to myself 'OP....you are not good enough'.

I ended up going through a series of 'relationships' with women in the rooms. It helped me deal with the ego issues, because I desperately needed to feel wanted by somebody. Things didn't work out long-term, but it definitely made recovery more interesting and fun. Having a meaningful relationship with a newcomer is about like trying to drink coffee with a fork. Each new girl was an upgrade from the prior one though, and I learned a lot about relationships over the course of the first year.

It is a whole different ballgame meeting women sober, and takes time to get used to. I only met women at bars and clubs when I was actively using. Given the fact that you have a lot going for you, it will just be a matter of time before you tie one on. Many of the women in the rooms have serious self-esteem issues, and might be too intimidated to show you any interest. You might do better outside the rooms.

Have you looked into social events where you could meet women in a low pressure environment? Meetup is a good website for people with various hobbies that get together. That is a good way to meet women sober. A few other sober places that come to mind are: malls, churches, grocery stores, community service opportunities, hospitals, coffee shops and any community events.

By the way, what you are describing is an extremely common issue. I have a handful of sponsees right now, and the majority of them are going through this exact same thing.

Good luck.

If the meetings you're referring to are AA have you engaged in doing step work? For those who work the program, many find release from regrets of the past and begin to comprehend the word serenity and start to know peace.

Through the program I have found that even when I am alone I don't feel lonely much. I reach out to friends in the program from time to time and find that helpful.

There are a ton of young people in our program who feel as you do. Typically In larger areas there's AA events from time to time. Have you considered starting a coffee group or bowling night once a month?

We meet frequently so the newcomer may find the fellowship they crave. Maybe the answer is right in front of ,you??

Regardless - there's a lot of friends to be made here as well. Thanks for the thread - it will help others.

Hi DNM

I'm sorry for your breakup and I'm sorry you feel so lonely.

I empathise - but in the end I actually found those early months were useful to me - I'd never been alone with myself before and it terrified me.

Once I got past the terror I found I rather liked being alone, being my own boss and doing what I wanted.I found there was nothing to fear about my own company.

Are you looking for a new relationship to kinda 'fix' you?
that might not be the best reason?

D

I can relate a lot to you.

My boyfriend and I separated 3 months ago. We both were alcoholics - him way more than me. There was an incident, so he finally decided to get help. He moved to be with his family 4 hours from me and get into treatment. We both promised to work on ourselves and our sobriety separately, but our end goal was to get back together to work on our relationship. Literally a week before we separated we went to get my engagement ring sized.

A month ago his mom emailed me to tell me that he had told her that I need to move on. I don't know if that's BS (I think his church and his mom is brainwashing him tbh), but my heart is broken. We were planning our marriage and our lives together. Now in sobriety he wants me to move on?

I've been so proud of him and myself for giving up drinking. But, this is the most devastating thing to come of this. We are both in our 30's and were very serious about starting a family.

I am in the same routine as you. Get up, go to work, go to meetings, come home, don't drink, watch boring shows, go to bed. Rinse, repeat. Even aside from him I feel this deep sense of depression. Very similar to the way you described it.

I'm sorry you're dealing with this too :(

My dad always told me: When you're alone, at least you're in good company. :) I live alone and like it. (well, not really alone with four cats and two dogs) I like my own company and the company of my critters.

Work on your recovery and learning to love yourself. :) Congrats on your sober time. :c011: Keep going, it gets better. :)

Hi. I just wanted to say that i understand your feelings of loneliness. But this too shall pass - you have no idea what sober living has in store for you a year from now. I'm sure it's good things.

I get lonely too. But then I remind myself how lonely I felt when i was drinking. The shame, guilt afterwards, everyone disappointed or mad at you, you disappointed in yourself...feeling as if there isn't soul in the world who gets you...

I'd take the sober loneliness over the alcoholic drinking days loneliness...

Lonely person raising her hand here!

My situation's different from everyone's too - but it all comes down to:
1. We're human.
2. Humans get lonely.

I've been thinking on this alot lately. What really, really helped me when I first came into AA was that so many times people would go out for coffee after the meeting. Just hang out and ge to know each other. Man, I loved that!

I moved to a different town a while back and no one here does that.

Wonder what would happen if I asked them out for coffee . . . ?

also - holding hands at the end of a meeting is my favorite part of a meeting precisely because it's human contact.
[is that sad?]

Sorry to hear you are feeling lonely. You are not alone in your feelings as many above have expressed and at times I feel lonely also. However, when I logically think about it... being single is one of the best gifts I could ask for now in my recovery.

I am actually grateful that I have the opportunity to be my age with a good job and thankfully a lot going for me and not be "tied" down in a relationship and have a lot of freedoms because of it. There is good and bad to everything. So, for now I am focusing on the good things that come with being single and there are many if you really think about it.

Darkling - it is not sad that you love holding hands at the meeting!! Humans are designed to touch & be touched. Touch releases endorphins in our brains.

I am also single, and though I have many valued friends & many gratifying aspects to my life, my body still thirsts for touch! I do not get lonely, in the sense that I do not get bored spending time alone - but, still, my body thirsts for touch. That is our human biology.

I've grown beyond seeking touch through sexuality without love, and that is a growing that I'm proud of in my life, but I have to still acknowledge & try to answer that need in safe & healthy ways, because it is a true need.

I receive massage. I give massage (still touch). I pet my dog, and curl around him to sleep (I know, that's going to be a problem if I do find a love, but it is keeping me cuddled & safe).

Touch is so loaded with meaning in our culture. People misinterpret touch gestures. I have some close friends who are not weirded out if I lay my head on their shoulder, but typically such leanings are misread.

They've shown that infants who are fed, etc., but do not receive nurturing touch do not thrive.

I'm trying to figure out every way possible to include nurturing touch into my single life. Today I hugged a co-worker & they looked a little surprised, but later hugged me as they left the office...

I don't know. I'm scared that if I don't pay attention to that need, I'll end up getting romantically involved carelessly, just to fill my touch needs!

Cause endorphins are excellent (& necessary)!

Ps. I even sometimes spend money on a visit to the hair salon - not because expert attention will ever make any noticeable difference with my unruly chaos of hair - but because I love the shampooing & fussing & scalp touching that is a by-product of the attempt...