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been doing so well, and have managed to put myself back at square one

Old 02-19-2017, 07:34 AM
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Unhappy been doing so well, and have managed to put myself back at square one

Hi there,

I'm sorry for the long winded post this will probably be. However, I have been doing so well with limiting my alcohol intake for the past 9 months or so, being able to go out and enjoy my time with my friends but not get completely obliterated and obnoxious. Before this, I was awful, I'd go out and seem to be incapable of not getting blackout drunk, making friends angry at me to the put where people did not want to go out with me anymore because I was such a liability. I got into a relationship and somehow this is how I realised I needed to change, not only for him but for me and my self worth as well.

However, I went out a few weeks ago and managed to slip into old habits, getting completely black out drunk and worrying all my friends and my boyfriend. I'd left the club and got a taxi, of which I have an inkling of memory, but decided to have a long chat to the taxi driver about my life (god knows why!). Now I am suffering from severe severe anxiety wondering if perhaps, as I was alone, I was taken advantage of by the taxi driver as I only remember talking to him vaguely and sitting in his car. My friend said that she got home and I was in bed (alone, luckily!) but I wasn't dressed or anything and now I can not stop worrying about what happened. I dont know what to do, I know this is probably alcohol induced anxiety (which I used to suffer from a lot) but I cannot shake the feeling of something more than just chatting happening, even though I don't remember anything else having occurred.

Is it possible that I'm completely overreacting? I know it was stupid to go off alone and try to make my own way home but at the time I obviously wasn't thinking straight.

I am not going to let this screw up stop me from my recovery process, I was doing so well, I just feel horrifically anxious about the whole thing.

Could someone please give me advice and help me to stop thinking such irrational thoughts?

To further this, I didn't feel sore as if something had happened and there were no bruises on my body.

Thanks
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Old 02-19-2017, 07:45 AM
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Hey Emma. That must be awfully frightening. Blackouts are hell anyway, but this would terrify me. I guess there's no way for you to know, unless you found the Taxi driver and asked him. So sorry. I think if it were me I would try to assume nothing terrible happened, otherwise you may be feeling victimized when you weren't. Wow. Big hugs to you!
The only way I could stop having blackouts was to stop drinking completely. It feels great. I have nine days today, and I am dedicated to never drinking again, one day at a time. And I feel wonderful about it.
My heart goes out to you. I hope you are okay!
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Old 02-19-2017, 07:49 AM
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Thanks Karen,

I am in a state about the whole thing, and I don't really have anyone I can talk to as I don't want to worry anyone about the whole thing. I doubt there is any way I could find this man, I just can't stand the thought that something horrific could have happened to me.
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Old 02-19-2017, 07:49 AM
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If there is no evidence I wouldn't assume the worst. I know for me when I've drank the night before I wake up wrought with guilt, shame, anxiousness, and if I can't remember that night (blackout) I assume the worst. The only way to stop this is to quit drinking. Why don't you join us in the February thread and stop with us??
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Old 02-19-2017, 08:53 AM
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emma,
though the taxi company will have a record about which cab picked you up, they won't likely give out that info without a legal request.

i can't speak to what may or may not have happened with the driver, but just to say that something horrible did happen to you: you though, it seems, that you had your drinking under control but it turns out it's not so.

seems like the best way forward would be to look at that and reconsider about how the limiting of drinking out is working/not working for you.

i don't mean that as coldly as it might sound....just that you are unlikely to be able to do anything about what may or may not have happened, but are much more likely to be able to do something about getting and staying sober.
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Old 02-19-2017, 09:05 AM
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Hi emma.What is REALLY troubleing you is telling this taxi driver your life story.Please don't imagine that this person is a sexual preditor.Taxi drivers are used to their fares behaving as you did,babbleing while under the influence of excess alcohol.Take care and best wishes for any future sobriety
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Old 02-19-2017, 09:31 AM
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Your thoughts aren't irrational. You blacked out. Anything could have happened and you'll never know.

You say you've been doing better and you speak of your recovery. But it seems you have not stopped drinking, you have tried without success to moderate drinking. Recovery from what? In what ways were you doing better if it has led to this?
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Old 02-19-2017, 09:58 AM
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Originally Posted by BrendaChenowyth View Post
Your thoughts aren't irrational. You blacked out. Anything could have happened and you'll never know.

You say you've been doing better and you speak of your recovery. But it seems you have not stopped drinking, you have tried without success to moderate drinking. Recovery from what? In what ways were you doing better if it has led to this?
Well to IMAGINE that this taxi driver is a sexual predator,simply because,at her own admittance,she did tell the taxi driver her life story.Taxi drivers are immune to drunken fares etc.Just all in a days work for them
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Old 02-19-2017, 10:28 AM
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I have been in this exact situation before. Blackouts always give me shame and anxiety because I don't remember anything. I have called friends in a panic about not remembering the night before and they assured me I was gabbing along and went home fine, although I would have this inkling of dread as though something horrible happened. If you suffer from anxiety it is more than likely you are allowing your overactive mind to fill in the blanks. However, if you are worried about being taken advantage of, perhaps contact the taxi company. Many cars have cameras or records of transactions. Also, do not blame yourself. Just because you drank doesn't ever mean you are deserving of being taken advantage of (even though it feels that way) if that is what you might think happened. Best of luck. Stay sober.
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Old 02-19-2017, 10:32 AM
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With all due respect, i think it would be unfair to call the taxi company to start investigating about a sexual assault you have no idea whether or not it occured.
Such an investigation could put an innocent man in a dire situation possibly costing him his job and the stigma of being a sexual predator, regardless of outcome.
This is a serious accusation. If all you can remember is that you told him your life story, absent if any physical evidence of assault - what exactly are you going to achieve?
I understand you want evidence that you are/were safe to satisfy your anxiety, but this seems extreme.
If this is a pattern for you, perhaps it is time to re-evaluate your attempt at moderation and consider full sobriety like all of us in here. We're here to help you, take advantage of what this community offers.
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Old 02-19-2017, 11:14 AM
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Originally Posted by emma5920 View Post
Thanks Karen,

I am in a state about the whole thing, and I don't really have anyone I can talk to as I don't want to worry anyone about the whole thing. I doubt there is any way I could find this man, I just can't stand the thought that something horrific could have happened to me.
Emma, blackouts are just plain dangerous, especially for women. I had them too at the end of my drinking days and it still makes me anxious to think about it. The only thing you can do, in my opinion, is to stop drinking. Alcoholics cannot moderate drinking, not for very long and I suspect this problem will continue unless you stop drinking. Please do not pursue this taxi driver because you have no evidence anything happened. Make the change you need to make to live a sober life.
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Old 02-19-2017, 11:43 AM
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Originally Posted by Jojay View Post
Well to IMAGINE that this taxi driver is a sexual predator,simply because,at her own admittance,she did tell the taxi driver her life story.Taxi drivers are immune to drunken fares etc.Just all in a days work for them
You just said this, right above my post. Please, I am just here to try to help the OP. Not agree or disagree with you.
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Old 02-19-2017, 12:27 PM
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I'm sorry this happened to you. I'm sure your friends and boyfriend were worried too.

The best way to guarantee your safety and relationships, is to remain sober.
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Old 02-19-2017, 03:24 PM
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I'm sorry Emma - it sounds awful - especially not knowing what, if anything, happened.

If you can't get over the idea that maybe something happened, why not get yourself tested for all the usual STDs. A clean result might help you move on?

Like some others here, it doesn't sound to me like drinking a little bit is working out for you - even if this is the first unpleasant incident in 9 months, it's still one too many.

Have you thought about stopping completely?

D
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Old 02-19-2017, 03:46 PM
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I am not going to let this screw up stop me from my recovery process, I was doing so well

you have never stopped drinking. you thought you had moderation under control......until you didn't. and then THIS happened.........

as long as you drink, you leave yourself open to bad nights and blackouts. but you can absolutely assure that will NEVER happen again by doing exactly one thing.........don't drink.

it's not rocket science........
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Old 02-19-2017, 06:21 PM
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just can't stand the thought that something horrific could have happened to me.

It probably didn't . . .

YET

but it's like playing Russian roulette if you keep drinking and having blackouts.
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Old 02-19-2017, 10:39 PM
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Originally Posted by BrendaChenowyth View Post
You just said this, right above my post. Please, I am just here to try to help the OP. Not agree or disagree with you.
I wasn't getting at YOU Brenda.
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Old 02-19-2017, 11:05 PM
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I politely caution some of us to not invalidate Emma's worries, and moreover, to just be mindful of the gender dynamics involved (we're talking about a woman in a vulnerable position, alone, with a male taxi driver, and men in this thread deciding second-hand that she's imagining it and nothing happened, when we as men will never quite understand what that's like. Sorry...I had to put it out there).

OK...now that I've gotten my 'elephant in the room' (thread?) out of the way - Emma, I once had drinking habits like yours and they eventually progressed into something far, far scarier. Rather than try to moderate, I'd say give sobriety a shot. You won't regret it.

ABW1
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Old 02-19-2017, 11:36 PM
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Hi Emma,

I'm sorry you had a blackout, they can be very scary. I also tried moderating my drinking in the past, but it never seemed to work, before long I was back to drinking way too much, way too often.

Sobriety is so much easier, you don't have to wonder what happened the night before, you don't need to have that interanal argument about whether or not to have one more. You will feel so much better physically and mentally.

Not sure if you have read Blackout by Sarah Hepola, if you haven't, you might enjoy it.

Looking forward to continue to hear how you are doing in recovery.

❤Delilah
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Old 02-20-2017, 03:17 AM
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Hi Emma. A truly horrible situation to find yourself in. I too have experienced the same thing. Try not to assume the worst and as you have no physical evidence its probably your anxiety causing the worry. Move on, be healthier and put yourself first always. 'Blackout' by Sarah Hepola is a truly eye opening book as has been suggested already and a must read for any female who has any sort of problem with drinking. Take care.
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