Melissa1217

Okay I stopped. Of course everything I finally binged to "make go away" is still here.

I'm posting for some support because I can't manage all this. I really can't. That's why I went on a disgusting, beer guzzling bender to begin with.

It's almost like I'm screaming " see, I can't take it anymore God. Please help me or I'm going to kill myself".

I'm alone. I'm overwhelmed. I really don't want to drink, but I don't want to live either. I don't see the point.

Grymt

It will pass. 15 days is good.

InApickle

The only true ones that can help us are ourselves! By keep doing the same thing everyday and expecting a different result is pointless.
It's easy for me to type "go to aa" "take up a hobby" "go to the gym" because I am going it alone like a lot of other people and just getting through one day at a time!

Their is a point, though it's very possible at this moment in time a lot of us have not come across it.

YET!!!

Pajanickah

The first month is the hardest. Try to be easy on yourself. 15 days is amazing. I have a hard time getting 5 days. Again just be kind to yourself.

-Nick

Bubovski

Downs can be really rotten, but even here we can learn some things.
A trip to the doctor might be in order. Also AA helps some.
As for benders the bad stuff simply remains and is worsened.
You can do it, 'the longest journey begins with the first step'.

Berrybean

Hi Melissa.

I am so, so, sorry that you are feeling such despair. Please keep praying. I will pray for you as well. But I also strongly (really strongly ) suggest that you call Samaritans and talk to someone if you are feeling suicidal. I would also suggest getting along to an AA meeting where you can get some support, and hear some experience, strength and hope from other alcoholics who are further along in their recovery.

You know, sometimes it feels like we are in hell, but it turns out that it was just a furnace of affliction, and God stays right in there with us, ready to whoosck us out as soon as we have become malleable enough to learn a new way. One that works, and brings peace and serenity to our lives.

Is there a trusted friend or family member who can come and just sit with you a while? At the moment you may feel that you don't deserve anyone to spend time helping you, but that will just be your AV (addictive voice) trying to call you back to your old crutch.

I remember those feelings of despair, and thinking that I just could not bear them. That they really could kill me. That they could just stop my heart altogether, or make me stop breathing. Try to breathe calmly, in your nose and out your mouth for a while. Just do that for as long as it takes to calm a little. Then try to take care of some of your HALT triggers (Hunger-Anger-Lonely-Tired ). You may not feel like you want food, water, calming, company and rest at the moment. But this is no time to be focussing on what you want. It is imperative that you just get on with ensuring you get what you need.

You can get through this. Those feeling will NOT kill you (No matter how much they feel like they might). There are people out there waiting to help you.

Praying for you now.

BB

Melissa1217

Thank you all for responding.

I'm glad someone mentioned AA. First of all I was in therapy for many years trying to get to the bottom of my phobias. I was told to feel the feelings and not stuff them with food or alcohol.

When I did go to AA, a temporary "sponsor" told me to quit whining and that I was lazy.

It was also my experience that the meetings I went to (in two different states), consisted of various individuals telling their horror stories, how they where homeless and without families, until they found AA. Period. No instruction on dealing with these feelings and problems i drink to forget. I usually leave with lower self esteem then I walked in with, with the mind set that of if this is what I have to look forward to, I may as well go the doctor, get a script for xanax, hoard it for a few months and just end my suffering.

I went for blood work yesterday and have a doctor's appointment Tuesday. What difference does it make though?

Why do I even care. I feel like the world's biggest loser.

tomsteve

I can understand where youre comin from with what ya heard at an AA meeting. I myself was quite amazed early on when I thought all I heard was drunkalogues and horror stories-until I mentioned it to a man after a meeting. he said,'we must have been at different meetings just now because I heard a LOT of solutions."
turned out I wasn't hearing everything people were saying- only focusing on the negatives because I was quite negative.

the instructions for dealing with thos feeling just may be laid out in the big book.
do you have a copy of the big book?

Cara1978

I went on a whisky binge and nearly killed myself. I had to taper it down. It's gony take a while for the cravin to go. Try l-tyrosine and l-glutamine for your moods. I'm not a doctor although Iam finding this useful. I dont want to die of this. Life has much to offer us if we choose to see the light.
I wish u all the best

Melissa1217

I have the big book, the red book (ACOA) and every self help book known to man.

I'm tired of being miserable, which I am drunk or sober.

For me drinking wasn't the problem, it was a poor solution. I never thought it would turn into this.

Ever. I was honestly just trying to help myself.

Now my marriage is over, I seriously doubt that I'll ever let anyone get close to me again, and I'm just having a hard time figuring out what I have to live for except more misery.

Melissa1217

Oh, and that's another thing I was mocked for - "what, it's nobody loves me time? Stop throwing yourself a pity party".

I had my first suicide attempt after that.

Melissa1217

Sorry everyone.

tomls

One day at a time! There's a reason why they say that. Tomorrow more than likely you will feel better. Just get through today! Good luck, keep reading and posting. There are a lot of people here just like you and me and they will help us!

Grymt

That reminds me of another saying in AA. Something like 'even if you don't get aa, aa will get you". I never really got aa or the big book. It's like the bible. There's a secret in there. I know it but I can't find it. John 1:18 is enough for me. I don't need the meat. Milk's good enough. I admit I was powerless over alcohol. When I drink it's because I can't not drink. No other reason. It follows that to not drink I must not drink. No other solution.

That means I have to live life and deal with life. This is why I'm here or at an aa meeting (not so much these days, but always an option) or meditating or just doing what needs to be done moment to moment.

I get high and I get low and I find the balance in between. Always changing. That's the true nature of life. Change.

When I drink it's like I try to capture a moment. It's a pointless wearying depressing struggle. Trying to do the impossible anti-nature.

The solution is so much more rewarding.

tomsteve

do not be/feel sorry!!

Melissa, the day after my last drunk, after i passed in from another rip snortin blackout drunk, my9 by then ex, i just hadn't been informed yet) fiancé told me some of the things i had done and said while in a blackout. then said,
"get out! get the **** out!"
it was the first time in the 4 years we were together that i didn't beg or plead. i knew she meant it and i was crushed. terror, bewilderment, disgust....you name it, i was feeling it. basically, i was feeling like a useless, worthless, hopeless, helpless POS.
that was the fist day in my life i was lookin at my past and the wreckage i had done- the 1st time in my life i admitted alcohol and myself were the common denominators in all my problems.
that day i was given the greatest gift ever: the gift of desperation- the pain of getting drunk had finally exceeded the pain of reality and i gave myself 2 choices:
AA or suicide. i chose AA, but was only going to give it 90 days.if not, choice# 2.
i did a LOT of whining early on. i was beating the **** out of myself horribly. then one day a man said to me( quite a stern old fart,too),"quit kickin yourself in the arse. youre not a bad man, just a sick one and theres a solution."
that made sense- ban men don't have regret and remorse and i was full of it.

i read the big book, went to meetings, prayed, went to meetings, read the big book, did my best to put the program into action,repeat.

90 days in, i didn't know what had changed in me,but something was different. i decided to keep going back and working the program.
eventually, i realized that with 23 years of drinking, it wasn't fair to only give AA 90 days. i decided to give AA as many years as i drank before i decided if i liked it or not.
that was 11+ years ago. im still sober. i have a clear conscious about my past. i have been given a life i could never have dreamed of. that doesn't mean its all sunshine and unicorns, but its pretty awesome. i can live life on lifes terms today.
all i had to do was want what the program had to offer- theres a lot of promises in the big book that can occur by working the steps-
and be willing to go to any lengths.

Abandon yourself to God as you understand God. Admit your faults to Him and to your fellows. Clear away the wreckage of your past. Give freely of what you find and join us. We shall be with you in the Fellowship of the Spirit, and you will surely meet some of us as you trudge the Road of Happy Destiny.

May God bless you and keep you - until then

Dee74

I didn't think I could cope either - but I knew that my drinking would kill me so I didn't have a choice.

I would have gone mad the first week if not for the SR community - posting about my problems - and posting to other people about their problems keep me grounded and got me out of my own head with all the babble, pressure and fear of maybe I could not live without alcohol.

Once the hysterics in my head calmed down, I found out - and I think many others have found this too - I was more capable that I ever knew.,,,but I had to step away from the bottle to find that out.

If you need help, ask for it

whether it be someone to talk to here, in a face to face setting like a AA or SMART meeting, or or someone to talk to professionally (Dr, therapist, crisis line)
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ease-read.html


whatever it is, reach out.


Don't let the fear win.

You can do this

Anna

Melissa, I drank to cope with life, too and had no idea what a bad decision that was. Of course, all the problems are still there and now alcoholism is a problem too. I found that trying to stay focused on the day helped a lot. Don't let yourself get overwhelmed. I made a list of things I wanted/needed to do, and each day I crossed off one or two. It helped me to feel like I was accomplishing something. Please keep posting and let us know how you are doing.

fini

Melissa,
you're not a loser,and certainly not the world's biggest!

as you say, drinking was not your problem; it was a poor solution.

so......you need a better solution. one which works for the real problem, whatever you see that as being.
AA offers a path to a solution for alcoholism, defined as a threefold malady, physical, mental, spiritual.
other routes and paths are things such as therapie(s), peer support groups, possibly medications .....you have the books, you mentioned.

depending on what you see the "real"problem as being underneath whatever the messes are, you can possibly make a decision about which solution to pursue.

in the meantime, what does it matter, you ask.....well, it matters because in that direction lies possibility. in the other direction, there is no possibility for anything.

i'm glad you're here, talking about it.

AWOL

Melissa,
You are a special and unique person. Please always remember that, and please believe with your whole heart that it will get better. If you do that, I promise it will. Also remember that just by coming here and having the courage to talk about your problems is actually helping others who are in a similar situation. Thinking of you and wishing you strength and continued courage ahead.

Jojay

Hi Melissa.I can only echo all the positive,uplifting testimonies and knowledgable advice within your previous replies.Stay Close to SR.We will all support you to the hilt.Take care