Free fall
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 6
Free fall
Hi. This is my first post here. My therapist recommended I check out this site....I'm trying to get sober, and I don't have any sort of support group. It's very lonely. And I don't have anyone to talk to when I want to use...Or when I'm feeling emotional.
I've tried AA for years, and finally gave up on it. I seemed to find a method that was working for me in January--a combination of therapy, lots of yoga, recovery podcasts, recovery websites, books....For the first time in 8 years, my perspective on alcohol completely shifted. I didn't WANT it anymore! It didn't look like my best friend anymore, like this solution that I needed and longed for but couldn't have---instead I saw it for what it was: poison. A toxin. Something that was NOT a solution.
I felt FREE and it was amazing, and frankly, I never thought I could ever feel that way.
But I slipped up, and now I've been in a free fall for the past few weeks. I can't seem to get myself back to where I was. If I could have that perspective once, I must be able to have it again. But how? How do I get back to that place of freedom from alcohol--and freedom from the "need" to drink?
Even if there are no answers to my question, mostly I just don't want to feel so alone in my recovery anymore. Thanks.
I've tried AA for years, and finally gave up on it. I seemed to find a method that was working for me in January--a combination of therapy, lots of yoga, recovery podcasts, recovery websites, books....For the first time in 8 years, my perspective on alcohol completely shifted. I didn't WANT it anymore! It didn't look like my best friend anymore, like this solution that I needed and longed for but couldn't have---instead I saw it for what it was: poison. A toxin. Something that was NOT a solution.
I felt FREE and it was amazing, and frankly, I never thought I could ever feel that way.
But I slipped up, and now I've been in a free fall for the past few weeks. I can't seem to get myself back to where I was. If I could have that perspective once, I must be able to have it again. But how? How do I get back to that place of freedom from alcohol--and freedom from the "need" to drink?
Even if there are no answers to my question, mostly I just don't want to feel so alone in my recovery anymore. Thanks.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,469
Hi Josephine,
You are definitely not alone, and we do understand how hard this is.
You can get back to your recovery and to living a sober life. I think it's important to figure out what happened that led you to drinking again and make a plan to avoid that happening again in the future. Maybe you need to make more changes in your life to support your recovery lifestyle? I had to remove a few people from my life and change some activities as well.
Have faith that you can do this!
You are definitely not alone, and we do understand how hard this is.
You can get back to your recovery and to living a sober life. I think it's important to figure out what happened that led you to drinking again and make a plan to avoid that happening again in the future. Maybe you need to make more changes in your life to support your recovery lifestyle? I had to remove a few people from my life and change some activities as well.
Have faith that you can do this!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: Madison, WI
Posts: 793
Hi Josephine... I am right there with you (although never had that much sober time). But I am still determined not to let this beat me. My life had been doing better the times I was sober, but It never seemed to be enough, so my answer was "well, why not if this is as good as it gets". That just can't be true.... I want more than that for myself. It's nice to meet you!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 6
Hi HTown,
What happened was that I came across a couple of bottles that I had hidden and completely forgotten about. I saw them and actually laughed out loud, because I felt so completely neutral toward them. I had zero desire to drink them! My mistake was not taking them and throwing them away right then and there. Instead, about 2 weeks passed, and I had forgotten about them again. I had a really frustrating, hurtful phone call with someone I care about and I was hurt--I remembered the bottles and went for them. I just wanted to stop hurting.
Prior to this, I'd been able to successfully deal with anger, frustration and hurt through various healthy coping methods--and I honestly think if those bottles had not been there in my house, I wouldn't have drank. I might even still have continuous sobriety. Instead, that choice started a slow downhill slide that has started to rapidly pick up its pace.
And try as I might to reframe my perspective on alcohol, I can't get back to where I was in January. It has just become my 'solution' again. The thing I 'want' and feel like I'm denied, instead of being this poison I recoil from.
I'm so frustrated and angry with myself.
What happened was that I came across a couple of bottles that I had hidden and completely forgotten about. I saw them and actually laughed out loud, because I felt so completely neutral toward them. I had zero desire to drink them! My mistake was not taking them and throwing them away right then and there. Instead, about 2 weeks passed, and I had forgotten about them again. I had a really frustrating, hurtful phone call with someone I care about and I was hurt--I remembered the bottles and went for them. I just wanted to stop hurting.
Prior to this, I'd been able to successfully deal with anger, frustration and hurt through various healthy coping methods--and I honestly think if those bottles had not been there in my house, I wouldn't have drank. I might even still have continuous sobriety. Instead, that choice started a slow downhill slide that has started to rapidly pick up its pace.
And try as I might to reframe my perspective on alcohol, I can't get back to where I was in January. It has just become my 'solution' again. The thing I 'want' and feel like I'm denied, instead of being this poison I recoil from.
I'm so frustrated and angry with myself.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2016
Posts: 110
Hi, josphine28, welcome to SR.
You are so NOT alone in this...your experience is quite common. You've pinpointed the mistake of not getting rid of those hidden bottles once you found them. Can you picture how you may have reacted differently to the hurtful conversation if you did not have those bottles readily available?
Maybe you need to start doing the things that were helpful in the first place for you, Yoga/exercise, more podcasts, read and post here on SR now too.
If you can just recommit to a few days of not drinking, you will start to feel better quickly and give yourself some grace because you may feel lousy for a small time...but you definitely can get back to feeling good again.
You are so NOT alone in this...your experience is quite common. You've pinpointed the mistake of not getting rid of those hidden bottles once you found them. Can you picture how you may have reacted differently to the hurtful conversation if you did not have those bottles readily available?
Maybe you need to start doing the things that were helpful in the first place for you, Yoga/exercise, more podcasts, read and post here on SR now too.
If you can just recommit to a few days of not drinking, you will start to feel better quickly and give yourself some grace because you may feel lousy for a small time...but you definitely can get back to feeling good again.
Samantha
Join Date: Sep 2017
Posts: 2,031
You’re not alone. I know exactly how you feel.
I come here to feel accepted and have people who understand. And everyone does understand.
I see alcohol as poison too, but unfortunately one I cannot give up. Trying trying trying.
I come here to feel accepted and have people who understand. And everyone does understand.
I see alcohol as poison too, but unfortunately one I cannot give up. Trying trying trying.
Samantha
Join Date: Sep 2017
Posts: 2,031
You’re not alone. I know exactly how you feel.
I come here to feel accepted and have people who understand. And everyone does understand.
I see alcohol as poison too, but unfortunately one I cannot give up. Trying trying trying.
I come here to feel accepted and have people who understand. And everyone does understand.
I see alcohol as poison too, but unfortunately one I cannot give up. Trying trying trying.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2017
Location: North Carolina
Posts: 611
Hi TomWaits. I have three alcohol/recovery podcasts I follow. My favorite is Since Right Now — three hosts with good chemistry, actually funny, and irreverent. Also I really like the Recovered Podcast — more AA oriented (I'm not in AA, but a lot of valuable information), plus rotating guest hosts/viewpoints in addition to Mark, the main guy. Also check out Recovery Elevator — one host, who interviews people in recovery with anywhere from days to decades of sobriety.
That being said, there's a ton of others out there, so poke around and see what you find.
That being said, there's a ton of others out there, so poke around and see what you find.
Hillbilly Girl
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: In my Garden
Posts: 3,953
Could be my post Josephine.....you are not alone in this. I’m right where you are & struggling to get back up......in day 4 & thankful for that.....we can get where we were again & stay there. Love & strength to you!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 3,027
Originally Posted by MariahGayle 
Could be my post Josephine.....you are not alone in this. I’m right where you are & struggling to get back up......in day 4 & thankful for that.....we can get where we were again & stay there. Love & strength to you!
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
