The Push and Pull
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 2
The Push and Pull
Whilst I understand that moving forward is a blessing in disguise and that I am out of a potentially bad situation earlier on. I find myself wanting answers.
I was only with this guy for 3 months but we were friends prior and I only knew him during his active recovery. He relapsed 5 days ago, and I was not planning to stick around if we wasn't able to stop drinking again. Nonetheless, the first time I saw him drunk, he was overly emotional to me, speaking on the lines of love and how he would never hurt me etc. I didn't want to enable his drinking over the weekend, but was there to support him, as it seemed as though I was the only one there for him and he wasn't drinking in my presence. Everything has been going great with us and was feeling increasingly closer to him. And then suddenly I receive a drunken phone call today, stating that he would never like me the way I liked him.
My ego feels crushed that in this time and place where I feel like I am going places with my life, and he is without a job and passed out on the streets drunk, that it was him who ended it with me. I find myself wanting answers, did he never actually care? Or is his disease taking over and the sober him really did care, but was afraid to do so?
I was only with this guy for 3 months but we were friends prior and I only knew him during his active recovery. He relapsed 5 days ago, and I was not planning to stick around if we wasn't able to stop drinking again. Nonetheless, the first time I saw him drunk, he was overly emotional to me, speaking on the lines of love and how he would never hurt me etc. I didn't want to enable his drinking over the weekend, but was there to support him, as it seemed as though I was the only one there for him and he wasn't drinking in my presence. Everything has been going great with us and was feeling increasingly closer to him. And then suddenly I receive a drunken phone call today, stating that he would never like me the way I liked him.
My ego feels crushed that in this time and place where I feel like I am going places with my life, and he is without a job and passed out on the streets drunk, that it was him who ended it with me. I find myself wanting answers, did he never actually care? Or is his disease taking over and the sober him really did care, but was afraid to do so?
Member
Join Date: Aug 2016
Location: Queensland
Posts: 568
Sometimes when people are drunk they say some freaky stuff. Sometimes true and sometimes not true.
I used to say some mean and nasty stuff when plastered which I totally did not mean at all. I just knew how to hurt people close to me because I was hurting.
Maybe this is what your fella is doing.
I used to say some mean and nasty stuff when plastered which I totally did not mean at all. I just knew how to hurt people close to me because I was hurting.
Maybe this is what your fella is doing.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 9,003
Hi Teacup. Welcome to SR. I'm glad you found us.
Being in a relationship with an alcoholic is a bit like waltzing with someone who is having a seizure; they just aren't going to follow the any reasonable pattern. He probably cares as much as he is capable of caring but that isn't much.
Keep reading around the forum Teacup and let us know how you are doing.
Being in a relationship with an alcoholic is a bit like waltzing with someone who is having a seizure; they just aren't going to follow the any reasonable pattern. He probably cares as much as he is capable of caring but that isn't much.
Keep reading around the forum Teacup and let us know how you are doing.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,442
Hi teacup 
I think I'm a nice guy but I still crashed and burned through two long term relationships as an drinker.
One of my exes said she never knew which me she'd get, and I understand that completely now.
Forget about who broke it off.. ask yourself whether you're prepared to be in a threesome with your ex and his drink or drug of choice, cos thats what you;re getting with active addiction.
Doesn't seem to me you want that ,so maybe it's a good thing it's over and you're free to move on to something better?
D
I think I'm a nice guy but I still crashed and burned through two long term relationships as an drinker.
One of my exes said she never knew which me she'd get, and I understand that completely now.
Forget about who broke it off.. ask yourself whether you're prepared to be in a threesome with your ex and his drink or drug of choice, cos thats what you;re getting with active addiction.
Doesn't seem to me you want that ,so maybe it's a good thing it's over and you're free to move on to something better?
D
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
Originally Posted by Bekindalways 
Being in a relationship with an alcoholic is a bit like waltzing with someone who is having a seizure; they just aren't going to follow the any reasonable pattern.
I certainly didn't follow any reasonable pattern, and if my partner hadn't been a big drinker himself, I can't see that we'd have stayed together as long as we did. A lot of the ways I acted, behaved and fohnd myself saying when I was drinking mystified me back then, and still does today. Who I am while I'm sober and working daily on my recovery is a very, very different person to the one I was for 25 years while I was drinking regularly, thinking with an alcoholic perspective, and looking at the world through alcoholism-tinted spectacles. You may never make sense of what this guy said. He may not make sense of it himself. What might help is getting to some AlAnon meetings so you can recover from this relationship. Please, try not to judge yourself through his treatment of you. How he treated you was a reflection of his sickness, not about you and your intrinsic worth. No matter how gorgeous, loveable, and worthwhile you are as a person, and active alcoholic is unlikely to value any of that anyway. All we tend to think about in the grips of alcohol is ourselves and our next drink. We tend to be emotionally unavailable for anyone, whoever they are.
Wishing you all the best for your recovery, and congratulations on dodging a bullet. BB
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,981
It's hard to say what the answer is, but being with an alcoholic can bring a whole boatful of emotions and there's no telling what is the true feelings and what isn't (he likely doesn't know either)
Though consider this a good thing that it was ended early, there are countless horror stories of people spending decades of their lives in toxic relationships.
Though consider this a good thing that it was ended early, there are countless horror stories of people spending decades of their lives in toxic relationships.
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