Desperate
 

Hi,

I have after years of self medicating with alcohol finally had to admit to myself that I am an alcoholic :( And in order to do that, I need to be brutally honest for once and I could not possibly do that in person, not even with my closest friend.

I am a woman in my 30s, with a good job (I look after young refugees, shift work, tough but still good), lovely friends, family and really no massive problems apart from my inability to stay away from alcohol.

Because I managed to quit smoking 3 years ago, I was convinced I could stop drinking too (it's all willpower, right?) and now realise I cannot do this alone.
I have tried so many times, and each time I cannot sleep, sometimes feel depressed, feel kind of bloated and just, well, not good. Like i have grown a dress size.
So after a day or two, I am back on. When I decide to quit on a certain days, I even go on a massive bender, as "it's the last time". And I cannot stop after one drink, and I really am usually a sensible person, work hard, am reliable and all that.... What is wrong with me?

I realise I use alcohol to cope with my job and everything else but its getting out of hand, not to mention, I am ruining my health. I can feel pain in my Pancreas and liver region already...

It's even gotten so far that I am sometimes still drunk in the morning when I go to work, or that I can't wait to get home so that I can drink. Even while I am writing this, I cannto wait for this night shift to be over and go past the shop on my way home to get the next supply.

It's awful, plus the shame and hiding it from friends and family, feeling like I failed them and myself then drives me to keep drinking even more, so I don't care for a few hours. Even when I go out for drinks with friends, I still want more when I get home, I will literally go to the gas station up the road to get another bottle. And I probably had one before I even went out.
I hide the empty wine bottles in my clothes cupboard to smuggle them to the glass container when nobody can see me for God's sake... Pathetic!

I have no more excuses left and have to find a way to quit for good, but how? I am hoping to find some inspiration and advise here, or even just the feeling I am not alone with this and maybe one day I will be able to help others...

Thank you for any one who reads this xx

Hi Desperate, and welcome. I'd invite you to take your time and kind of read thru the different threads about what people have done to make a start in a sober life and recovery. There's a ton of good info here. And about 99% of us have been thru what you're going thru right now...if not, something very similar. So don't be afraid to post and ask questions =)

welcome to SR! It is really hard to quit by yourself. You came to the right place for support.

Have you seen the Feb. 2017 thread? You can join it and get a lot of support. It is a great place to start.

Hi there ! Welcome...this is a great place for info , talking and finding out about stuff...amongst folk who have all been there and don't judge. .. your story sounds similar to mine and I thought I could never make it stick, but now I'm on 48 days..... it can be done!!!
Personally I recommend reading books on recovery, lots of them on amazon.... talking a lot on here, asking all the questions s u want to know, reaching out when u need a helping hand, plus join the February 2017 thread in newcomers . Everyone there is quitting this month, they become your team and you look out for then as they look out for you...
Remember , your life will be better, it will. Read enough on here and you can see it....
Please keep talking! !! Tonnes of good wishes. ... x

You're addicted to alcohol. I know. I was ate up with it.

A mistake I made was thinking that quitting for a couple of days got all the alcohol effects out of my system, and I was 'normal' - as in this is what normal feels like.

It isn't true. A couple of days off does very little. It takes months for the effects of persistent alcohol use to leave the brain and body. I had no idea what feeling sober was like. I hadn't done it in years.

I never knew I was a slave until I was free. If you don't know what I mean take a hundred days off from the booze and see if it doesn't become clear.

Best of Luck on Your Journey. :ring

I can relate to your post. Reaching out here on SR is a good start. Read through the many threads and keep posting.

Welcome and I'm glad you found us.

It's quite a devastating moment when we discover we are alcoholics. I remember thinking that I would quit drinking when I wanted to, but then I realized that I couldn't. I relate to all the complications that drinking brings to your life. For me, it was actually a relief to stop drinking because the obsessive thoughts about when to drink, where, how to get alcohol, etc, finally stopped. You can do this!

Hi neveragain :)
You are definitely not alone with this :)

The fact that people here understood my problem was an immense relief to me...and for the first time I could talk with people who'd actually been successful at being sober.

If I can leave you with one thing it's to use this place - post as much as you like - but especially come here before you take that next drink - we'll help you reject that bad idea :)

D