noneever

I thought I could control it. I don't drink every day. I thought that made me capable of just having a couple of drinks two or three times a week. I go to my mothers every week for dinner and just have one or two. So when I'm alone, I tell myself I'll do the same. But I don't. I binge. Sometimes it's 7 or 8 units, often it's as much as 12 or 13. I lose any desire to control it. I'll drive drunk, to get more.
If this continues, it's just a matter of time before I get caught or injure someone. Or I'll lose my job. I'm already on my final warning at work.
I'm sitting here almost numb with anxiety and self loathing. I'm sick.
I'm very, very frightened that I can't quit. I've known for the last 18 months at least that I have a drinking problem. Yet I keep drinking. I won't drink today. My pattern is to drink and then after a couple of days, when I'm feeling pretty good, I have the insane thought that I'll just have a couple. And so the sick cycle continues.
I don't know who I am anymore.

ChloeRose63

Glad you are back!
Beginning again is something we all have done... you will get support here.

Mattq2

Glad your back noneever,
you have to keep trying. I tried more times then I can count and hopefully it sticks this time. I think you need to put more into your plan and make changes. Remove everything that leads to drinking. You can do it. Stay close my friend

least

Maybe you still want to drink more than you want to stay sober. I'd suggest making a good strong plan. Can you get to any AA meetings? You need to do something to stop drinking before you drive drunk and kill someone.

You can quit. You just haven't done it yet.

noneever

I'm going to AA tonight.

Dee74

Hi noneever

I've met thousands of people here - I've never met one who couldn't quit, only some who wouldn't.

You need to accept that none ever really means exactly that.

If you're truly accepted that now, you've got a good head start.

I always say a successful recovery is based on two things - making changes in your life to support your desire to be sober...and making sure you have a good support network - one that you can use when you need it.

I could never get past three days - plugging myself in here and posting about ym problem helped me remember that yes, I rally was that bad.

Posting to others reminded me I knew what to do - I just wasn't putting it into practice or giving it enough effort.

D

Dee74

AA's a good start

D

MIRecovery

When I had painted myself into such a tight corner and the only options I had were losing everything thing I cherished including my life I got serious. I went to a doctor, got professional treatment, and went to AA almost every day for two years and 7 years later I still work an active program of recovery. As of a matter of fact I will leaving for an AA meeting in a few minutes.

Anyone can get sober but very few are willing to put forth the effort required. The question you need to ask yourself is, "Am I willing to do what is necessary?"

Grymt

I don't know who I am a lot of the time. It's been a few years since I drank and the craving to drink has left me but I remember how it was for me. The intense anxiety, knot in the gut and the urge to deal with it by not dealing with it, in other words to drink.

You'll still have to deal with it. No one else. I can tell you how it was for me and what worked, works, for me. Whatever, you are going to have to do it.

As Dee said in another thread you have to distance yourself from alcohol. It's not an option. You have to set up alternative options. I think that's what is meant by making a plan (?). For me that was some AA phone numbers and learning about mindfulness. Awareness.

then you start to choose those options. Make that a habit. The habit. Listen and talk.

january161992

thats the ticket !!!

doggonecarl

It's not the thinking of drinking that's insanity. It's the acting on the thought.

Anna

The disease is robbing you of your self-esteem and is coming close to causing you to lose your job or injure yourself or someone else. It's what alcoholism does to us. I, too, remember how hard it was to get beyond the 3rd/4th day. But, once you do (and you can) things will get a bit easier.

Hevyn

Nonever - I felt exactly the same way once. I now have over 9yrs. sober after drinking 30 yrs. So there is no doubt you can quit! We all think 'this time it'll be different' - 'this time we'll magically have control & enjoy one or two'. Once we realize it's not possible, we can get free and begin to heal. You will do it!

Zebra1275

Glad to hear you are going to AA.

AA can jump start your sobriety.

thomas11

Is it possible for you to go to inpatient or outpatient treatment? Glad to hear you are going to AA.

noneever

I don't get holiday or sick leave so inpatient is not an option. Outpatient- I don't want to even look to be honest. I work in the health sector and it's a pretty small world where I live, so I'd prefer not to go down that route.

ScottFromWI

That might be true, but to be honest you'll be able to find excuses why other solutions won't work too. Perhaps the reason you've never been able to stay sober is because you haven't been willing to do what it takes in order to do so? There is no magic bullet or method that will "fit" into your existing schedule. You will need to do things you don't want to do and change your life in a very significant way to be sober, no matter what. Are you willing to do so?

noneever

You're absolutely right. I just have not been willing to do what it takes. I lack the will power. I'm not doing inpatient rehab. I don't have any money and if I don't work, I don't get paid. Outpatient programs through public health are none existent where I live. I'm not making excuses.
AA and SR are realistic options for me.