MidnightBlue

Thank you, Ardy)

saoutchik

I am sorry you are deptessed MidnightBlue but you can console yourself with the fact that you have had some good news recently ie the job and the thyroid results. To this outsider it looks like you are doing quite well.
Take care anyway.

Dee74

I'm sorry you're low too MB.
Is there anything you can do about it?

D

MidnightBlue

Thank you, Sao and Dee.

I believe I can do something about it.

It's a good question.

I've been thinking about taking another round of antidepressants, but not sure though.

I think I should start with basic stuff - straighten out my nutrition at least.

Because of ongoing stress I slipped into high-carb mode - like eating 4 bananas a day, lots of dry fruit, etc. I feel sugar fermenting in my blood. And I know from experience that sugar is a HUGE factor which adds up to mood swings - almost as bad as alcohol.

So, step 1 - get back to proper nutrition.

Mizzuno

MB,
I am sorry to hear of this depression. I do know how challenging it is when our levels are off and we have become very low in mood and energy.

I also remember the feeling of not wanting to live. This is not an option though and we must find a way out of the funk!

Its good to read that you are looking at your food intake and seeing how that is affecting you. I know that you exercise regularly. Has exercising dropped off the map of your life right now? When I dont exercise (chronic back pain) I can get into a serious mess with myself mentally and emotionally. Its funny how even 10 minutes of light jogging can increase my serotonin levels.

Stay close, MB. I really like all that you have to say.

This job transition and the way everything went down could certainly be contributing to how you feel.

You will resurface.

MidnightBlue

Thank you, Miz)

You got it right about exercising .

First, it dropped off the map of my life back in January, when the money was so tight I couldn't afford any gym membership. I tried to do some bodyweight exercises at home but couldn't get it together.

Then late in March my boxing buddies offered me money to buy membership. I agreed)

At the very start of May I got bronchitis, business trip and basically it was no-exercising month.

I feel so out of shape and still struggling to get back to my more or less regular routine.

And what is most disturbing I got out of "mental shape" about exercising. It somehow slipped from non-negotiable activity into negotiable.

I know that it helps a lot with my depression (I have a very long history of it). I know that medical research proves more and more benefits of physical activity, and still if I lose my vigilance toxic thinking takes its toll.

I was raised in atmosphere where exercising was considered to be kind of activity to spend time on when you have nothing better to do. Kind of "until you get a real life" activity.

And my ex used to bug me a lot about it. It just drives me crazy now that he always made some ridiculous explanations why he didn't want to quit smoking, but made me feel guilty about me spending time in the gym.

And speaking about the ex...

And test to my sanity...

Until last week I lived in the apartment which belongs to him.

He lives in his house.

We had an agreement that I can stay there until my own apartment ready. Because of my financial issues my moving was delayed.

I was sick hearing some people saying how generous he is to let me live in this apartment. Yes, of course, the entire story is little bit more complicated, but whatever.

I never felt secure in that place though, always anxious. Once some woman tried to break in there late at night and she has the keys. I managed to block the door , but I lost my ability to sleep at night for a long period.

Fast forward to present.

I prefer to be totally ignorant about what's going on in my ex's life, especially personal. I don't want this sort of crap on my mind.

About 2 weeks ago I told him that I am planning to move in 3-4 weeks and he was ok with that.

Then about 10 days ago I got a call on my cell:

Some stranger woman: Is it MB?
Me: Yes?
- When you are going to vacate OUR apartment?
- Excuse me, and you are who exactly?
- I am X's wife.
- I am going to discuss it with X. By.

Oh, now I know that my ex has a wife and even her name.
WTF? No way my ex could give her my number . So she ransacks his phone. Nice.

And I like this "our" thing - he owned this apartment before they got married, and he is still the only owner.

I called my ex. Like. WTF?!!!

He was surprised, to say the least. I asked him to bring his wife the message that I am not happy with her calling me.

Last Wednesday, while I was taking care of some errands, I got a call from the neighbour who said that some woman was there who claims that she is the owner of the apartment and is threatens to call 911 and ask them to take the door down.

WTF?!!!!

I called my ex, but he was at the meeting and texted me that he couldn't talk. I texted his a brief version of WTF?

He had no clue what was going on.

By the time I got home she left.

Then my ex called me and we discussed the entire thing. He tried to call her but she just yelled at him.

Then she texted me some threats that she filed a report to the police that I usurped this apartment and if I don't get the hell out by Sunday she will bring the police to evict me. And so on.

I call the ex and read the messaged.

He told me to calm down because no sane cop would take that kind of report from her and she is just bluffing.

And I was still waiting for my thyroid biopsy results which were expected on Sunday.

I experienced enormous stress. I was both hell angry and anxious.

I felt I couldn't spend another minute there.

I got the most valuable possessions and went to my apartment, and spent a night there.

I felt like I finally slept without jumping at a slightest noise.

I still have no fridge and many other things, but I have a bathroom and I have a place to sleep. I'll figure the rest out.

I spent next three days dragging my belonging to new apartment (it's about 20 minutes walk).

I have a couple of things left there and going to wrap it all up this weekend and just forget all this nightmare and start a new life.

It's not the best scenario, of course, that my new place is not far away from the old one, but I didn't have much choice when I had to buy the apartment.

And I feel like I want to place an ocean between myself and old memories.

But I'll figure it out too.

I have Internet at my place now!

And I bought an inflatable bed which is great)

I will work on my place little by little. It is my place! No one will dare to threaten me any more!

On top of this I dreaded the conversation with my boss after vacations (my first after vacations day was on Tuesday). But I avoided it. The HR department handled my letter of resignation and the entire process of quitting, and Tuesday was my last day at that job.

Now I have about 10-14 days to wait till all the formalities are settled an a new job.

All this accumulated stress took its toll on me. As I said I have a long history of depression and my emotional balance is quite fragile. Serious stress can throw me into very bad place.

Now I understand that, as Sao said, my thyroid test are ok and I have a new job , but I can't feel joy about it. I can't just bring myself to feel.

I am so used to feeling low and anxious that I don't even remember how it feels to be happy.

It is something I have to work on -like sobriety. Recovery from unhappiness, from addiction to feeling miserable.

And, by the way, yesterday I hit 4 years and 8 months sober)

I wasn't tempted neither 'celebrate" my good test results, no numb my feelings after all this ex's nonsense.

I think sobriety is the best way to celebrate life.

See you all)

Gilmer

Wow, MB! That woman sounds psycho!

No wonder you haven't been able to feel any peace!

I'm glad you'll have over a week to calm down.

Hopefully the new job will pique your interest in a good way (for a change! ).

MidnightBlue

Thank you, Gilmer)

I am glad too I have a week or so to sort my emotions out and take care of some things related to moving.

I've just back from boxing. Really, my boxing buddies have no idea how much they helped me out - without regular exercising my sanity would be in real jeopardy under the current circumstances.

Dee74

Congrats on your milestone MB

I think you deserve a quiet week or six after all that.

D

Mizzuno

MB,
You went to boxing!!

After all that you have written its not a surprise that you are feeling so low. I mean, you have gone to war in many different areas of your life. Your job, the apartment, the thyroid, moving, the other apartment problems and the wall paper, crazy wife of ex harassing you and on and on and on.......... Talk about stress overload!

You know what is cool? You just keep moving along and taking care of all that crap while maintaining your sobriety and living the best you can. I admire this! I really do.

Lemons. Life and lemons. Sometimes it really is such a battle to keep going.

Now you can settle into your own apartment. Its yours! That is quite the accomplishment. Leave all that other stuff behind. Start your job in this new home. New energy to create. Its a fresh start on so many levels.

Have a good night!

MidnightBlue

Thank you, Miz)

MidnightBlue

My laptop 's hard drive died.

And almost year -worth work materials with it.

I know, I know, I should know better, and make backup copies.

But I didn't.

I have just one head which has been splitting with all kinds of crazy crap recently.

The hard disk will be replaced, but the data is lost.

And tomorrow I need to go get the rest of my stuff from my ex's apartment and do some cleaning there. And I am literally puking with anxiety.

I just can't take it any longer.

ardy

oh Dear Heart .. it seems like this is the Darkest time ever.. Please God keep our Midnight blue safe in the palm of your hand.. please... ardy

MidnightBlue

Thank you, Ardy)

The hard disc is being replaced, it will be ready on monday.

Data recovery will cost a small fortune.

So, on top of new apartment and new job i have a new hard drive -another element of rewiring my life.

The ex's apartment is cleaned. I will hand the keys over next week.

I've even made it to a swimming pool.

Now i need a good soynd sleep.

See you)

Gilmer

That swimming pool must have felt really good!

MidnightBlue

It really did, Gilmer)

MidnightBlue

Hi, friends.

Things happen so fast in my life that I can't keep up with it.

Anyway, today I got the rest of my staff from the ex's apartment, left the key in the mailbox, and tomorrow I will write him a letter explaining that I have no wish to see cross my ways with him and his crazy wife again.

Emotionally I feel like I've been hit by the bus. Let alone this situation itself took a toll on me, but the emotions from the past emerged, and I had to battle some nostalgic regret as well.

My new hard drive is fixed, and by some miracle big part of crucial information automatically synchronized with my OLD OneDrive account. And my some miracle I remembered that I had one and even found the password.

I will probably restore the info in laboratory, but later, because it is extremely expensive.

Also today I got a call that paperwork about my new job is almost done, so tomorrow I will go to wrap up some final details.

Well, that is probably it for now.

I am still struggling with straightening out my nutrition. It's also somewhat challenging to fix meals without a refrigerator, any cooking device, and very tight budget - eating out is not an option.

But I will cope. I am a warrior, after all.

See you)

Gilmer

I am SO GLAD you are no longer beholden to the ex or any of his accompanying nut jobs!

Do you have beef jerky in Russia? That's dried beef that doesn't require refrigeration. Very tough to chew--but, hey! It's protein!

MidnightBlue

Thank you, Gilmer. I will check beef jerky)

MidnightBlue

So, I wrote a "Never call me again" letter to my ex today.

And suddenly all my emotions just crashed.

I cried like for a half an hour. I feel tired and depressed.

Just can't get myself together.

Will I ever smile again?