Coming alive
 

Hi everyone.Hope you are well and moving forward in your sobriety.3 or so weeks ago,I had the miseries and received much good advice and support from your replies.I really had to put my thinking cap on,to figure out what triggered my 'then'low mood.And realized that it was a very uncomfortable conversation with a guy who attends the same Church as myself.He had gotten into the habit of thinking I was easy prey for his opinionated rantings,after our service ends and we have coffee and fellowship.Obviously I couldn't be rude or speak My mind,as in 'You are bothering me,go bother someone else',as its a Church!But suppressing my natural instinctive reactions had troubled me and for a while I thought I was heading backwards,not forward in my recovery,brain function wise.Anyhow,I make sure to sit inbetween other folk at Church now!And made the pastor aware of why.9 mths into my recovery now and each day just gets better than the previous.My question is this.Does anyone else ever feel hesitant to behave naturaly in every day life?Even though you know your well and truely on the mend?

I don't understand this question.

I mean doubting our own judgement

I think I can relate. Trusting my gut and standing up for myself does not come naturally. I sometimes am not sure of appropriate way to deal with a problem person. Sounds like you and I both need to learn good solid assertiveness, Jojay.

Jojay, good work finding a solution you are comfortable with. Must be a small church, for the pastor to need clued in!

I do. I am a very aggressive person by nature, and when I drank it got worse. Not physically aggressive, just in my opinions. I struggle with this and am trying to learn to be fair in my judgments and opinions and not to push them on others.

It is difficult because it is opposite of my natural reaction.

I had lots of fun being assertive in my second month of sobriety. And then I lost my backbone again. I started up a new side stream of income, something I first thought about doing back when I was feeling my most confident, and am finding I really lack the assertiveness and initiative to approach people as necessary to make this work. So I'm trying to figure out how to get back to where I'm comfortable speaking my mind and being open about my needs.. There's nothing wrong with telling the person from your church that they're making you uncomfortable.. People respect honesty. What they don't respect is someone who flips, meaning you put up with them and act nice to them, until you can't take it any more and you snap at them. You will always be the bad guy if that's the case. You have to set clear boundaries at the beginning.

I think it's very important in recovery and in life to be true to who you are. Being authentic will help keep you on your recovery journey.

Hi BixBees.Yes,we must learn to be more assertive I guess.I used to be!My Church is small too,only around 40 of us regularly attend.Ours is a small town but with many Churches.Many thanks for your reply.

Thankyou so much Anna.Guess I have been perpously behaving out of my true character during recovery,maybe to protect myself somewhat.And it has had the reverse effect.

Many thanks Ljc.And good luck with working on being a more moderate strong person.

I can see what you mean, BC. But we all have corrections to make, once sober. We can't go back to the beginning with everyone. So drawing a new line in the sand is GOOD.

Hi.You are so right,boundaries.Where ever we are and who ever we come into contact with.When it comes to my church,I can be a bit of a martyer though,as I received a lecture from my pastor a couple of years ago,for being to blunt under a similar situation.But I was still a drinker then.Not drunk at the time but I would often become more agitated in uncomfortable conversations

Interesting perspective, jojay. I actually find myself having more trust in my own judgments and actions as a sober person. As a drinker, I couldn't really tell if/when I was going to 'flip out' and act all weird and irrational over some perceived slight.

Nowadays, I find myself being more assertive (I like your use of that word, Brenda) and trusting of myself because I can more clearly assess a certain situation and act accordingly.

Right after I quit drinking, I still had a few 'dry drunk' tendencies, but I think those have gotten fewer and farther between with sustained recovery.

ABW1

It's a work in progress, lol. I have told my wife and kids to tell me when I interrupt them or if I'm being overly aggressive. I actually don't realize I do it. I just want to get my thoughts out so I interject my thoughts regardless of if you are done with yours or not, and I will argue my point until I win. It's a good and a bad quality. I have been told I'm intimidating, which really hurt my feelings, cause I would never want anyone to feel that way.

Thankyou ABW.I can relate to the 'dry drunk'tendencies.As I didn't have a solid recovery plan when in very early recovery.

Maybe not such a bad thing to be pretty strong and assertive,as you are a guy!Lol

Congrats on 9 months jojay :)

Even after getting sober it took me a long time to become comfortable in my skin - I'd never felt that way as an adult.

I do now tho.
I feel empowered :)

It doesn't mean I look for trouble, but I can handle it if it comes.

D

Thanks Dee.My self-confidence is gradualy returning,slowly but surely.

I think many of us As have some pretty codie (codependent ) traits. In the past we drank on them, then we got sober and have to learn to deal with the situations those traits make difficult in different ways, and it's tough. Well, it was for me.

It might be worth researching codependency a little. If some of what you read hits home (as it did for me) then I'd suggest reading Codependent No More, and also the CoDa handbook (there may even be some CoDa meeting you could attend where you live - some areas are well served in this regard).

As a Christian, the other tool I use for this is a prayer based around a Litany for Humility which is part of my daily routine ...
God. I pray for your helping in detaching from the desire of being:
admired, loved, praised, favoured, accepted, consulted, well known, and honoured.
I pray for your help in detaching from the fear of being:
Criticised, ridiculed, humiliated, falsely accused, persecuted, disbelieved, despised, and forgotten.
Please grant me the grace to desire that others may be:
Admired more than I; Praised when I am unnoticed; Chosen even though I may be set aside; Preferred to me; And, increase in prominence though I remain hidden.
Although others will do what they want, I pray that you will use me for your will.
I pray that I will pause, and while I pause help me to remember to pray for guidance and grant me the humility to find willingness and discard willfulness. Help me to recognise my inner brat and not act on its whims.
AMEN.
My inner brat and my AV (addictive voice ) are pretty much the same thing I suspect. If they're not one and the same thing, then they are definitely my evil twins!

The other pray that helps me to not get too wrapped up in what others may or may not think of me is the Do It Anyway prayer. The last line especially is something that keeps me going on a tough day...
God, help me to accept that people may be unreasonable and self-centred. Let me forgive them anyway.
Help me to accept that if I’m kind, people may accuse me of ulterior motives. Let me be kind anyway.
Help me to accept that if I find happiness, people may be jealous. Let me be happy anyway.
Help me to accept that the good I do today may be forgotten tomorrow. Let me do good anyway.
Help me to accept that I may give the world my best, and it may never be good enough. Let me give my best anyway.
God, help me to remember that it is between you and me. It was never between me and them anyway.
AMEN

Nowadays I try my very hardest not let my discernment be swayed by my people-pleasing tendencies and fear of displeasing others and incurring their judgement. We have the full armour of God to help us (Ephesians 6:14-17) and as we clank forth, seeking the fruits of the spirit (Galatians 5:22-23) that can, and do, make life (and us) sweeter and more bearable in ways that alcohol, sex, gambling or drugs could never do.

Wishing you all the best for your sobriety and your recovery.
BB