Ending a relationship with my RABF today
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Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 1
Ending a relationship with my RABF today
This is my first 5 minutes here.
I met my boyfriend 5 years ago. We fell in love immediately. We had fun no matter what we did - dancing, skiing, concerts, ball games, playing pool or darts, fishing, bonfires, parties. For context, I am a social drinker only, and while I have wine at home, I can take 2 sips and the glass will just sit. But during our dating - we had drinks when we danced, drinks at shows, drinks at the ball games. But I realize now, after a 2-year downward spiral, that all of our "fun" were really ways to feed his addiction. I fell in love with a man who I thought enjoyed the same things as I did - but they were a means to an end. Every fun thing we did enabled him to drink. And I know now that he drank to cope, to heal, to have fun, to motivate himself, to deal with stress, to be social. I fell in love with that man - but he had been hiding his dependency on alcohol.
3 years in I realized he was hiding his drinking morning, noon & night. That's when he started to really hide it & started his roller coaster ride of drinking and sobriety. I would never see him drink but then would notice him swaying, or worse, swerving when driving us somewhere.
Last summer he showed up to watch my kids while I went on a business trip. He was driving a work vehicle and he showed up intoxicated and had open bottles/cans in the car. That was my rock bottom. I could no longer feel safe or that my kids were safe.
We separated. I know that our separation led him to treatment last Fall. He's on the road to recovery but he's never made it more than 3 months sober. He's in an intensive program that meets 3 nights a week and they just added in counseling with a psychologist. HIs last 'slip' was over Christmas. That one really bothered me - if the people closest to him knew what he was going through, they would support him and he wouldn't have been tempted. But he's not yet ready to tell people over the shame & stigma.
So here we are today. I haven't seen him in 5 weeks and we talk once a week. It is probably evident that we are at the end but today he is coming to visit and I am working up the courage to end things. He's not a bad man, I know. But I need to step off this roller coaster. I still love him. My kids love him and they are hurt and that hurts me deeply to, but I keep telling myself that "God's got this" and I think he has nudged me to get here. I know I can't have the man I fell in love with because that man was sick. And I don't even know who he is anymore - he's not the fun, social guy. He's a stressed, intense person who wants to meet for coffee (I don't drink coffee). While his recovery is the best thing for him, I no longer think we are compatible and it's breaking my heart. I have guilt around this decision and that isn't a place I want to be. There are other issues at play with honesty and finances and priorities. But they are all dwarfed in comparison to the addiction. I personally don't think I can be happy "whether he is drinking or not". I'm not married, he's not my child...my first day in Al-Anon I cried and asked, "Why would any rational person choose this?" And here I am, not choosing it anymore. So why do I feel like a jerk? I want noting more than for him to be successful in his recovery in the long term. To rebuild damaged relationships with his kids. But my fear of relapsing and the disease progressing is too much.
If you are a person of faith, will you please pray for me today? I need courage and strength and peace. I can't live in this limbo anymore but the pain from it is a lot to bear today.
Thank you for listening.
I met my boyfriend 5 years ago. We fell in love immediately. We had fun no matter what we did - dancing, skiing, concerts, ball games, playing pool or darts, fishing, bonfires, parties. For context, I am a social drinker only, and while I have wine at home, I can take 2 sips and the glass will just sit. But during our dating - we had drinks when we danced, drinks at shows, drinks at the ball games. But I realize now, after a 2-year downward spiral, that all of our "fun" were really ways to feed his addiction. I fell in love with a man who I thought enjoyed the same things as I did - but they were a means to an end. Every fun thing we did enabled him to drink. And I know now that he drank to cope, to heal, to have fun, to motivate himself, to deal with stress, to be social. I fell in love with that man - but he had been hiding his dependency on alcohol.
3 years in I realized he was hiding his drinking morning, noon & night. That's when he started to really hide it & started his roller coaster ride of drinking and sobriety. I would never see him drink but then would notice him swaying, or worse, swerving when driving us somewhere.
Last summer he showed up to watch my kids while I went on a business trip. He was driving a work vehicle and he showed up intoxicated and had open bottles/cans in the car. That was my rock bottom. I could no longer feel safe or that my kids were safe.
We separated. I know that our separation led him to treatment last Fall. He's on the road to recovery but he's never made it more than 3 months sober. He's in an intensive program that meets 3 nights a week and they just added in counseling with a psychologist. HIs last 'slip' was over Christmas. That one really bothered me - if the people closest to him knew what he was going through, they would support him and he wouldn't have been tempted. But he's not yet ready to tell people over the shame & stigma.
So here we are today. I haven't seen him in 5 weeks and we talk once a week. It is probably evident that we are at the end but today he is coming to visit and I am working up the courage to end things. He's not a bad man, I know. But I need to step off this roller coaster. I still love him. My kids love him and they are hurt and that hurts me deeply to, but I keep telling myself that "God's got this" and I think he has nudged me to get here. I know I can't have the man I fell in love with because that man was sick. And I don't even know who he is anymore - he's not the fun, social guy. He's a stressed, intense person who wants to meet for coffee (I don't drink coffee). While his recovery is the best thing for him, I no longer think we are compatible and it's breaking my heart. I have guilt around this decision and that isn't a place I want to be. There are other issues at play with honesty and finances and priorities. But they are all dwarfed in comparison to the addiction. I personally don't think I can be happy "whether he is drinking or not". I'm not married, he's not my child...my first day in Al-Anon I cried and asked, "Why would any rational person choose this?" And here I am, not choosing it anymore. So why do I feel like a jerk? I want noting more than for him to be successful in his recovery in the long term. To rebuild damaged relationships with his kids. But my fear of relapsing and the disease progressing is too much.
If you are a person of faith, will you please pray for me today? I need courage and strength and peace. I can't live in this limbo anymore but the pain from it is a lot to bear today.
Thank you for listening.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Great Outdoors
Posts: 1,992
My ex husband went ape**** and beat the hell out of me in a drunken rage. A FEW YEARS BACK! I still think of him. Ended the marriage. I divorced him. But wonder if he is still the same. Peace to you.
Last edited by Dee74; 02-12-2017 at 02:30 PM.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2017
Location: Midwest U.S.
Posts: 142
Welcome, 5yearstruggle! You may also find the Friends and Family section to be helpful:
Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
Glad you are here.
ABW1
Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
Glad you are here.
ABW1
Member
Join Date: Feb 2016
Location: middle of nowhere
Posts: 2,849
YOU'VE got this- and God's got your back. 
I'll keep you in my prayers. Remember lots of self-love and self-care is important throughout this. Do you have lots of real time support through this? If not I hope you reach out to some Al-anon members, friends and family, and post here as much as you need.
Let him go with love, and in time work on giving that love back to yourself and your family. Hang in there.
I'll keep you in my prayers. Remember lots of self-love and self-care is important throughout this. Do you have lots of real time support through this? If not I hope you reach out to some Al-anon members, friends and family, and post here as much as you need.
Let him go with love, and in time work on giving that love back to yourself and your family. Hang in there.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
Last summer he showed up to watch my kids while I went on a business trip. He was driving a work vehicle and he showed up intoxicated and had open bottles/cans in the car. That was my rock bottom. I could no longer feel safe or that my kids were safe.
end of story. you put your children's safety first and always. regardless of what HE does next, he was willing to put them in danger ONCE. no one should EVER get another change to put them in danger again.
it's that simple.
end of story. you put your children's safety first and always. regardless of what HE does next, he was willing to put them in danger ONCE. no one should EVER get another change to put them in danger again.
it's that simple.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 3,550
Five Years: It sounds like you're doing the right thing although it must be hard to do. I greatly admire your courage and wish you all the best. You've stuck with him for a long time and now your kids and you come first. You've got lots of support here. Do keep posting. We'll pray for you.
Bill.
Bill.
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Sonoran Desert & Southeast Asia
Posts: 6,561
Prayers to you. Be strong. Feel compassion but not guilt. I believe you made the right decision, for several reasons. It's hard to end relationships, even under the best of circumstances.
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