I'm done, but hubby isn't
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Canada
Posts: 86
I'm done, but hubby isn't
Hi there
I have been abusing alcohol since I was in my 20s. I am now 56. It is my only drug of choice, being a non-smoker now for five years. I am tired of drinking, I like how I feel clean but IT IS SO HARD when my best friend and partner and husband of 28 years still drinks every day!!! It's our thing, to unwind after work and on weekends to go out to the garage or the basement when it's cold (he still smokes, too) and just hang out and drink.
I am an alcoholic because even when I choose not to drink, I think about it constantly. My mother and uncle were alcoholics. Does anyone have any advice on how to stay sane while your partner does his/her thing? I don't want my husband to change unless he wants to and I know the more I don't drink around him, he begins to feel the shift and I truly believe this will benefit him in the long run. I just have to hang in there and get my sobriety on even, sturdy ground first.
Today is Sunday, the perfect day when we usually hang out and drink together except today I am not having my usual bottle of wine. I guess maybe it's just ride it out but it gets hard when he says, "come on down and have a drink with me". I think about the past and this is all we know really.
Love and blessings to all
Amy
I have been abusing alcohol since I was in my 20s. I am now 56. It is my only drug of choice, being a non-smoker now for five years. I am tired of drinking, I like how I feel clean but IT IS SO HARD when my best friend and partner and husband of 28 years still drinks every day!!! It's our thing, to unwind after work and on weekends to go out to the garage or the basement when it's cold (he still smokes, too) and just hang out and drink.
I am an alcoholic because even when I choose not to drink, I think about it constantly. My mother and uncle were alcoholics. Does anyone have any advice on how to stay sane while your partner does his/her thing? I don't want my husband to change unless he wants to and I know the more I don't drink around him, he begins to feel the shift and I truly believe this will benefit him in the long run. I just have to hang in there and get my sobriety on even, sturdy ground first.
Today is Sunday, the perfect day when we usually hang out and drink together except today I am not having my usual bottle of wine. I guess maybe it's just ride it out but it gets hard when he says, "come on down and have a drink with me". I think about the past and this is all we know really.
Love and blessings to all
Amy
Blue Belt
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Soberville, USA
Posts: 4,174
Bath,
I drank for about 15 years while my non drinking wife did her thing.
Her thing was tv, radio, coupon clipping, eating, praying, falling asleep on the couch.
So when i quit, 21 months ago, i copied her.
It was a living hell for a long long time. But, now it is wonderful.
AA calls it serenity. Sober people have a series of sober activities they do during their waking hours.
I also golf and work out.
When i was a drunk, i did things to...but they were always done under the influence.
Booze is an addictive drug. It is a learned behavior. It can be unlearned.
Thanks.
I drank for about 15 years while my non drinking wife did her thing.
Her thing was tv, radio, coupon clipping, eating, praying, falling asleep on the couch.
So when i quit, 21 months ago, i copied her.
It was a living hell for a long long time. But, now it is wonderful.
AA calls it serenity. Sober people have a series of sober activities they do during their waking hours.
I also golf and work out.
When i was a drunk, i did things to...but they were always done under the influence.
Booze is an addictive drug. It is a learned behavior. It can be unlearned.
Thanks.
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
I have been in the same position for 409 days. It's tough sometimes, mostly because I adore my husband and I believe to my toes now that alcohol is a health threat to everyone and therefore it's like watching him gargle razor blades. In the early days, it was even tougher. Here are some things that have helped:
1) I had to be 100% convinced that I had to stay sober. First, I have read enough about alcohol and my family's medical history to recognize that for me heavy drinking is slow suicide. Second, I have had enough sober time over the years to know that for me a "slip" is a full-blown relapse, it's just a matter of time. I don't open that door.
Your reasons may be different, but if you're at all questioning it, it's way too easy to let your husband's drinking be your excuse.
2) My husband's drinking is none of my business. This is hard, particularly when he's complaining about something that I know is made worse by drinking. Mostly, I manage to keep my mouth shut. No one ever got sober being nagged into it.
3) The activities we enjoy don't require alcohol...it's just a habit. We talk the way you two do and it's one of the things I value most about our marriage. I drink tea. Or seltzer. Or cocoa. We still talk...it was a delusion that booze was necessary.
4) On the rare occasion that he gets stupid, I go to bed early. See item #2.
As a result of these things, my husband drinks far less these days and has many more non-drinking days than drinking days. I don't talk about that, either. See #2.
My sobriety is my responsibility. In an ideal world, I wouldn't have the stuff in the house, but there's always booze around if you want it badly enough. It can't enter my body without me being involved, so I have control over that.
You can do this. It just takes some time and discomfort for it to become the new normal, but it will.
Wishing you success.
1) I had to be 100% convinced that I had to stay sober. First, I have read enough about alcohol and my family's medical history to recognize that for me heavy drinking is slow suicide. Second, I have had enough sober time over the years to know that for me a "slip" is a full-blown relapse, it's just a matter of time. I don't open that door.
Your reasons may be different, but if you're at all questioning it, it's way too easy to let your husband's drinking be your excuse.
2) My husband's drinking is none of my business. This is hard, particularly when he's complaining about something that I know is made worse by drinking. Mostly, I manage to keep my mouth shut. No one ever got sober being nagged into it.
3) The activities we enjoy don't require alcohol...it's just a habit. We talk the way you two do and it's one of the things I value most about our marriage. I drink tea. Or seltzer. Or cocoa. We still talk...it was a delusion that booze was necessary.
4) On the rare occasion that he gets stupid, I go to bed early. See item #2.
As a result of these things, my husband drinks far less these days and has many more non-drinking days than drinking days. I don't talk about that, either. See #2.
My sobriety is my responsibility. In an ideal world, I wouldn't have the stuff in the house, but there's always booze around if you want it badly enough. It can't enter my body without me being involved, so I have control over that.
You can do this. It just takes some time and discomfort for it to become the new normal, but it will.
Wishing you success.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,442
Hi and welcome BatholithBabe 
Having a husband who drinks is a challenge but as you've seen here, it needn't be a dealbreaker. It's important that you have support for your recovery - and you'll find a lot of that here, and in places like AA.
Who knows, maybe your hubby will decide to follow you one day?
D
Having a husband who drinks is a challenge but as you've seen here, it needn't be a dealbreaker. It's important that you have support for your recovery - and you'll find a lot of that here, and in places like AA.
Who knows, maybe your hubby will decide to follow you one day?
D
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,564
It's great to meet you, Amy. I quit while my husband was still drinking, too. It was difficult but I was determined - and he was a social drinker. I hope talking things over here will help.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: UK
Posts: 2,937
Just take it a day at a time.
If you have a bad day, don't think that is how everyday will be. It won't.
I am 5 years without a drink on the 14th of Feb.
At first it was hard and I had to keep busy.
I cleaned, sorted, read, had a bath, went to the gym, went for a drive with my music on, did my nails - anything to get through those first days. I think it was evenings I needed a plan for more than days as I worked full time.
I realised there is a lot more to life than sitting on the same sofa, in front of the same TV programme, drinking from the same glass, day in and day out.
At first it different.
It was not difficult, just different.
Now it is 2nd nature not to drink.
I would also not over think it too much in these early days.
You don't have to make sense of everything and everyone now, this minute.
Whenever anyone as led me if I was going to drink at their special birthday party or christmas or summer holidays abroad, NYE or christmas my response was always 'I will cross that bridge when I come to it'.
I am sure you did not marry your husband for his drinking capabilities either?
Maybe remember why you fell in love with him and the qualities you loved him for having as opposed to thinking that alcohol is the only thing you have in common.
I wish you the best xx
If you have a bad day, don't think that is how everyday will be. It won't.
I am 5 years without a drink on the 14th of Feb.
At first it was hard and I had to keep busy.
I cleaned, sorted, read, had a bath, went to the gym, went for a drive with my music on, did my nails - anything to get through those first days. I think it was evenings I needed a plan for more than days as I worked full time.
I realised there is a lot more to life than sitting on the same sofa, in front of the same TV programme, drinking from the same glass, day in and day out.
At first it different.
It was not difficult, just different.
Now it is 2nd nature not to drink.
I would also not over think it too much in these early days.
You don't have to make sense of everything and everyone now, this minute.
Whenever anyone as led me if I was going to drink at their special birthday party or christmas or summer holidays abroad, NYE or christmas my response was always 'I will cross that bridge when I come to it'.
I am sure you did not marry your husband for his drinking capabilities either?
Maybe remember why you fell in love with him and the qualities you loved him for having as opposed to thinking that alcohol is the only thing you have in common.
I wish you the best xx
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 258
Sounds exactly like our relationship. 25 years married. Drank most of it. I quit and he didn't. I had to stop going to the garage where we usually drank. I stayed in the house and kept myself busy. If he missed me that was his problem, but I don't think he missed me. But I was sober and felt great. That only lasted 8 months though and I was back in the garage with him.
We have to find our own way..
We have to find our own way..
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,505
I think you might find that you think about drinking less as you continue through recovery, and that will help you to some extent. As many have said, you can do this even though he is drinking, and we are here to support here. You can always come here and post.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
My partner continues to drink as well. He fell on his face in a bar in town breaking his glasses and hurting himself at the weekend - great for a man in his 50s eh! I wasn't there. I sometimes join him at the beginning of the evening for food or chat, but he's on his own once he starts getting drunk. This wasn't something that much pleased him at first, but I've drawn a firm line regarding being responsible for him when he's drunk. I'm responsible for my sobriety, and he's responsible for his drinking,
This has meant that I have needed to build up a network of sober friends (AA has been instrumental in this). I have also had to relearn what I enjoy doing sober, and learn who I am beyond 'the woman who likes a drink'. I've tried lots of activities in the last 2.5 years - some have been fun, and others appalling experiences which I didn't bother repeating, but they've all been an interesting voyage of discovery so no regrets on that front.
So, whether you're into reading, creative writing, jewellery making, fencing, karate, minatures, roller derby, learning languages, the WI, cooking, dance, running, yoga, swimming, bookbinding, bell ringing, gardening, volunteering, church, charity work, campaigning, or whatever, I wish you well in your voyage of discovery. It really is amazing what is out there for us once we start looking.
Wishing you all the best for your sobriety and recovery. BB
This has meant that I have needed to build up a network of sober friends (AA has been instrumental in this). I have also had to relearn what I enjoy doing sober, and learn who I am beyond 'the woman who likes a drink'. I've tried lots of activities in the last 2.5 years - some have been fun, and others appalling experiences which I didn't bother repeating, but they've all been an interesting voyage of discovery so no regrets on that front.
So, whether you're into reading, creative writing, jewellery making, fencing, karate, minatures, roller derby, learning languages, the WI, cooking, dance, running, yoga, swimming, bookbinding, bell ringing, gardening, volunteering, church, charity work, campaigning, or whatever, I wish you well in your voyage of discovery. It really is amazing what is out there for us once we start looking.
Wishing you all the best for your sobriety and recovery. BB
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Location: Midwest
Posts: 221
My hubby is a daily drinker too. So many similar stories here. We've been married 32 years and he has quite the open bar out in his garage that we enjoyed together. I have learned that you cannot force them into quitting. You have to put yourself first. It's hard, but as you can see here, it's doable. I'm 77 days in and feel great!! I don't go out in the garage with him. Maybe some day I will, but for now, I'm staying away. He comes into the house earlier now too and doesn't drink as much as he used to. That's a positive sign for me. I think he's missing his "drinking buddy."
Stay positive and remember to put yourself first. Keep yourself busy and stick close to SR when the AV starts in. Wishing you the best.
Stay positive and remember to put yourself first. Keep yourself busy and stick close to SR when the AV starts in. Wishing you the best.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2016
Location: NC
Posts: 662
My husband I were both active heroin addicts. We would try to quit- but we consistently used each other as a reason to use. "Oh I am done but I am only using because he is and hell I am not going to let him get high and me just sit here".
Then he went to prison. Him being in prison forced us to be apart and took away the crutch of the other person, after a year and 7 months he came home and we are both in recovery. Unfortunately, I know that we would prob. both be still using if we weren't forced apart. I would love to say how he will follow your example, but I know in my life it wouldn't work that way, I hope it works that way for you.
Then he went to prison. Him being in prison forced us to be apart and took away the crutch of the other person, after a year and 7 months he came home and we are both in recovery. Unfortunately, I know that we would prob. both be still using if we weren't forced apart. I would love to say how he will follow your example, but I know in my life it wouldn't work that way, I hope it works that way for you.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: South East England
Posts: 8,009
Hi. My husband drinks and I don't. It's been a long and winding road into recovery for me...we drank together, we stopped together, now I'm sober and he isn't.
I've come to accept the fact that he chooses to drink now, and I no longer think he's an alcoholic. He drinks far less than he used to, and he's generally respectful to me and my feelings when he's drinking. He does like to get drunk occasionally, and that's when he's in the company of his brother or friends. I bow out of those occasions now. I find them upsetting, I'm fearful around drunks and I cannot be in situations where I feel trapped and unable to leave.
I've made my peace now but it's taken me a while to get here. I've had to put my sobriety first. I go to AA and I've built a sober network of friends in the rooms and online. I follow my plan to stay sober every day, and I ask for help when I need it.
Truth is, I've never been happier. My husband knows my boundaries (although it's taken him a while to get here!), and I'm solid and content to live my life without drinking. Mutual respect is a must.
I no longer wish for his sobriety. His drinking seems to be within normal limits now....and I can separate myself from that.
Look after yourself. The longer you are sober, the less you will care about what others do. Who knows, he may want sobriety too at some point....
I've come to accept the fact that he chooses to drink now, and I no longer think he's an alcoholic. He drinks far less than he used to, and he's generally respectful to me and my feelings when he's drinking. He does like to get drunk occasionally, and that's when he's in the company of his brother or friends. I bow out of those occasions now. I find them upsetting, I'm fearful around drunks and I cannot be in situations where I feel trapped and unable to leave.
I've made my peace now but it's taken me a while to get here. I've had to put my sobriety first. I go to AA and I've built a sober network of friends in the rooms and online. I follow my plan to stay sober every day, and I ask for help when I need it.
Truth is, I've never been happier. My husband knows my boundaries (although it's taken him a while to get here!), and I'm solid and content to live my life without drinking. Mutual respect is a must.
I no longer wish for his sobriety. His drinking seems to be within normal limits now....and I can separate myself from that.
Look after yourself. The longer you are sober, the less you will care about what others do. Who knows, he may want sobriety too at some point....
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: USA
Posts: 87
Bath,
Your story sounds very much like mine, I am on the other side of that equation however. I finally got so sick of being drunk every day that I was able to quit on January 1st, but my wife, who is also an alcoholic, is still drinking every day. Like others who have commented on this thread, we also had our drinking rituals that she still holds true to out of habit. She is fully supportive of me not drinking but she just isn't there yet in her own journey to be able to put the glass of wine down and walk away for good.
It is very early in my non-drinking days and she still slips sometimes and says stuff like "we should pack a cooler up and take the boat out when you get home tomorrow" and I just say "sure, just be sure to put some water bottles in there for me." This is usually enough for her to say "sorry I wasn't thinking" and we move past it and get on with the day.
I think if we can remember the reasons why we gave up drinking and focus on our own health and sobriety they may move in our direction rather than waiting for us to move in theirs. Either way we still can only focus on our own recovery and hope that they find their way to get sober as well.
Best wishes to you and God Bless.
Your story sounds very much like mine, I am on the other side of that equation however. I finally got so sick of being drunk every day that I was able to quit on January 1st, but my wife, who is also an alcoholic, is still drinking every day. Like others who have commented on this thread, we also had our drinking rituals that she still holds true to out of habit. She is fully supportive of me not drinking but she just isn't there yet in her own journey to be able to put the glass of wine down and walk away for good.
It is very early in my non-drinking days and she still slips sometimes and says stuff like "we should pack a cooler up and take the boat out when you get home tomorrow" and I just say "sure, just be sure to put some water bottles in there for me." This is usually enough for her to say "sorry I wasn't thinking" and we move past it and get on with the day.
I think if we can remember the reasons why we gave up drinking and focus on our own health and sobriety they may move in our direction rather than waiting for us to move in theirs. Either way we still can only focus on our own recovery and hope that they find their way to get sober as well.
Best wishes to you and God Bless.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Canada
Posts: 86
Awesome replies, guys. Thank you so much. I'm back after another "break" but I will do this now or my health is compromised forever. And I am too precious to keep poisoning myself. I have come to an epiphany: We are all here to walk the path before us. We can't walk someone else's path. And I feel we are all in a huge field, crisscrossing each other's path and maybe walking parallel for a long bit of it, but in the end, it is YOUR path. I wish peace and love and harmony to all fellow travelers, especially my hubby, but I know he has his path and I have mine. Life is Beautiful. xo
under new management
Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: Calgary, Alberta
Posts: 2,339
So happy to see you back, BatholithBabe 
I have been sober for 2 yrs and almost 5 months
My husband still drinks and it was frustrating for me at the beginning but one of my hard lessons has been that everyone, including him, has a right to chose their own path.
It sounds like you have figured that out, as well.
Onward we go
I have been sober for 2 yrs and almost 5 months
My husband still drinks and it was frustrating for me at the beginning but one of my hard lessons has been that everyone, including him, has a right to chose their own path.
It sounds like you have figured that out, as well.
Onward we go
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