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Resenting my husband's new sobriety

Old 02-11-2017, 09:59 AM
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Resenting my husband's new sobriety

Hi all,
I am new and not sure where this question belongs. My husband and I are a bottle of wine a night drinkers. We would put down close to a bottle a piece after the kids go to bed. We would stay up talking and it was always our favorite part of the day. We both talked for years about the harm its causing our bodies and that as the kids get older, not wanting them to be aware of our little party every night. Live by example - we don't want them drinking in high school, yet they come home to us tanked sort of thing. Anyhow, I had an unexpected, late in life pregnancy that was a blessing - instantly that line turned, I quit smoking and drinking. After the baby was born, I never resumed the cigs, but sadly, the wine came back (when my son was about 2 months old). My hubby never really gave it up completely while I was pregnant. He still had some here and there. I kind of hated that, but it was his choice. After the baby was born, the stress of a newborn wore on him and I noticed wine back in the house again. Rather than his coming to bed shortly after I did (I was always down early with a nursing baby) he'd stay up and have a glass or two. Then after a few months, he kept asking me to join him, saying he missed us staying up late talking. Of course, so did I, but I didn't want the booze back in my life. One night, he brought me a glass of wine into the bedroom while I was with a sleeping baby. I didn't ask for it. He thought I was stressed. I drank it and the rest is history. You get that warm and fuzzy feeling and its like an old cozy sweater. Fast forward a few months later and we were staying up again, a couple glasses late at night when all the kids were asleep, talking, laughing. All seemed right with the world - except that the booze was back. Sure, neither of us was getting so tanked we couldn't function or be a safety hazard to the kids, but if you drink 2-3 glasses of wine every night, you are sure not totally clear headed and headed down the path of addiction. It was a habit I enjoyed. I have gone days without it and not had physical issues, so I know I am not dependent - yet. But, I can't seem to give it up.
A month ago, miraculously (I feel) my hubby woke up one day and was done drinking. Just like that. No plan to do it, it just happened. I feel so happy for him, but I am angry, resentful and jealous that it came that easy for him. Angry that I feel he lured me back into that boozing zone, then bailed. I know I took that first drink, I am responsible for me and its not his fault. But deep down, I do hate him for dangling that in my face, making it just too easy for me to get back into it. Knowing its my responsibility to take control of my life should ease my anger with him, but its been a month, and I am still resentful.
I also feel like the big looser in all of this. That because I just can't let go of it yet, that I am the drinker, the bad mother. I am the one talking too loudly, with that alcohol breath. Why can't I put my family first and just give it up is what I ask myself? Still, I am angry at him because I was free of it for over a year and he pulled me back in. Hating myself for not being strong enough to say no and just let him enjoy the wine by himself. I just feel defeated and want to feel joy for him. Any advise on any of this (my feelings towards him, my own drinking habit, etc) would help so much! Thanks!
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Old 02-11-2017, 10:25 AM
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the (aa) book says that resentment is our #1 offender

it destroys more alcoholics than anything else

we are also provided with a tool to combat it called prayer

if we pray for the person (wish them well) everyday for 2 weeks the resentment will be lifted

God bless

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Old 02-11-2017, 10:32 AM
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Originally Posted by radishes View Post
Any advise on any of this (my feelings towards him, my own drinking habit, etc) would help so much!
Join him in sobriety.

Knowing it's more difficult for you to quit, get the support you need. SR is a start. Face-to-face support, as in the form of a formal recovery program, could also benefit your sobriety and the health and well being of your family.
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Old 02-11-2017, 10:39 AM
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Welcome to SR. I can understand your resentment, radishes, but....sadly that isn't going to help you in the long run. What is your goal? Give up the wine? Keep the wine but give up the resentment toward your spouse? sounds like you would like to be sober, but you are not ready yet.
So, how about you just focus on today. Instead of a glass of wine tonight, why not warm cider or milk or decaf tea. A lot of drinking is, at day's end, habitual. Why not change up the habit?
I would not keep in the emotions about what you feel is your husband's part in getting you back to wine. Stuffed feelings have a way of coming out sideways. Talk to a therapist or a good friend. Talk to him when you are both in a good place.
By the way, my youngest grandchild was a late in life surprise. He is truly a blessing and a joy. Best of luck to you.
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Old 02-11-2017, 10:57 AM
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I think you're resenting yourself quite frankly. I believe if you join him in quitting you will feel much better.

Make the house an alcohol free zone, period. Make a pact with him. If either of you wants to drink you do it outside the house.

So many people come here and have a real challenge with quitting while the spouse is still drinking. You have the perfect opportunity...your drinking buddy has retired. Grab it.
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Old 02-11-2017, 11:12 AM
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Going with Frick on this one. Could be fate handing you a life preserver.
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Old 02-11-2017, 01:02 PM
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I'm also with Frick on this.. My Agf,now exAgf, hated that I was sober and it drove us apart. She resented the fact that I was not drinking with her any longer. That was 'our thing'..Work, meet at the bar and get drunk..rinse/repeat. She still calls from time to time, drunk.
We project what we don't like about ourselves or our feelings on others. Most of the time the 'others' are the one's we love the most and that's just not good. I know, when I was an active drinker, I took my own problems out on her too so, I can relate.
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Old 02-11-2017, 01:33 PM
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Do you resent him because being sober seems to be easy for him and hard for you? Or because now you feel pressured to stop drinking? Both?

You know his sobriety is his and yours is yours, right? And maybe it's not as easy for him as it seems? When I decided to quit I rarely talked to my husband's about it because he still drinks and it made him defensive about it. And I knew I could easily let him being defensive be an excuse for me to give up and start again. So I mostly dealt with the tough times on my own.

If you decide to quit drinking, it needs to be your decision to do for you and your life, nothing and nobody else. His drinking or not is immaterial.

The decision is yours.
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Old 02-11-2017, 01:52 PM
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I suspect that the negative feelings you have toward your husband, are more directed to you. It really is not his fault that you decided to start drinking again, and I hope you can let go of that. Forgive yourself and forgive him and make a choice to stop drinking. It sounds like you would have good support from him when you stop drinking, even though it may be harder for you than it was for him. Use his recovery as an example and join him.
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Old 02-11-2017, 02:43 PM
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Just remember, it's going to be alright. As long as you want it too. You have my support and everyone here. I do believe you resent yourself and in the perception you have it is towards him. It probably wasn't clear for you at the time it could lead to this. But don't blame him. He just introduced you to your real self and you started playing the role. I'm in the same situation. And now that I know who I am, I am trying to change the part. We can get through this together!
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Old 02-11-2017, 04:26 PM
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Sounds like you are right to be upset at your husband for pressuring you to start drinking again. But, as you said, you ultimately made that decision yourself and have to own up to that. Don't resent him for it.

I would be happy for your husband if he has decided to stop drinking. That is a really positive choice and is great for his health! I would use this time now to try to stop drinking yourself, if you are ready. It sounds like you want to get sober. Just do it. You have your husband to support you. Enjoy time together without the wine!

Trust me, you can do it. I was drinking almost a handle a night (of the hard stuff) when I stopped. But you gotta want to stop.
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Old 02-11-2017, 10:44 PM
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Welcome,

My husband and I had almost exactly the same routine, a few drinks after the kids were in bed, sometimes one while they were still awake. My co sumption seemed to co it use to increase, where my husband's although probably still more than he should be drinking stayed the same.

I finally managed to quit for good, I haven't had a drop of alcohol since NYE of 2015. I struggled in the beginning because he was still drinking. I needed to create my own new nightly routine. You have the opportunity to do that with your husband since he is sober too. Take advantage of that. Find a show you both love, play a silly board game, talk about the kids, work, crazy stories from the news. Recreate your evenings together sober. I can't wait to hear about how amazing they are!
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Old 02-11-2017, 10:59 PM
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Lots of great advice here, radishes. I agree the issue seems to be with you. If you try a paradigm shift, a shift in perspective, it's easier to see. Imagine if you were ready to quit and he wasn't and he was pressuring you to keep drinking because he wanted to. Then imagine he woke up one day and was ready, and you could then start working on being sober with mutual support to each other. You would feel happy and excited, instead of depressed and resentful.

In reality, the pretend situation I've described is externally no different from where you find yourself now, the only difference is you and your feelings.

It's easy to say I know and harder to do. But the point is that it's all about letting go of that resentment about what happened in the past. Put yourself in the imaginary scenario and see how you would feel and what plans you would make and it might help you move forward.
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Old 02-12-2017, 06:38 AM
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Be happy for your kids that he quit and do what's in your heart,
which is to join him.

You can do it!
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Old 02-12-2017, 07:40 AM
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No one can tell you what to do. Do what is in your heart.
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Old 02-12-2017, 09:45 AM
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I think that if I were in your shoes I would feel better telling all of this to my husband, including that you know that some of it is unfair or irrational, but that you can't help feeling it anyway. And including that you want to be happy for him.

I think what you DON'T want is to have your resentment manifest in your behavior toward him so that he then doesn't understand why you're acting the way you are, and you feel guilty for taking your frustration out on him.

Why not talk to him and give him a chance to understand what you're feeling and support you in whatever way you need? Maybe it will make you feel better just to unload it all and get it out in the open where you can deal with it together. Maybe you'll be even stronger as a couple for it.

I think that ugly, "wrong" or irrational feelings are just kind of part of being human. They are for me, anyway.

Good luck!
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