WIfeofdrinker

So I've known for a while that my husband has a problem with drinking, but just never sure how bad it was. Last night I had a headache, and I made a small drink to take care of it (I drink very little, it makes my neuropathy worse). I got in the booze cabinet and was shocked to see that it was full of empty, or near empty booze containers! Even stuff we both agreed was kind of gross is completely gone!

So I took a look in his office, and hidden in drawers found 3 empty (or near) containers of liquor. I know he's been hiding containers for a while, but this is ridiculous! I have no idea when he is doing all this drinking, so I guess he hides it well. Once in a while, he gets really snockered and annoying, and I tell him I don't like it, but otherwise, I guess I'm in my own little world and oblivious.

I've had my own challenges this winter, some health issues, etc...and I guess I've just been blind to how bad he's gotten. He doesn't do much, just sits on the couch watching TV if not working. I really have no idea how he is drinking so much without my noticing it. I've had a nagging sensation that he's not doing so well, but nothing I can put a finger on, his behavior is not outrageous at all.

I don't know what I should do or say at this point, if anything? I guess I'm just thinking out loud, would love some feedback from the other side about what the heck is going on with him. I want to be supportive, this is getting really out of hand. Should I ask him to quit buying booze?

ardy

no guess about it kiddo.. prayers and hope for a better tomorrow.. my hubby has problems with Doc given pain killers.. he is doing something that I will know about very soon .. as he ends up in hospital.. every time.. yep..

doggonecarl

Sorry for what brings you here.

You could. But he's been hiding his drinking. What makes you think he won't hide his buying it?

If you haven't already, visit our friends and family of alcoholics forum. Plenty of folks who have been right where you are now.

Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

DontRemember

I'm an alcoholic that never hid bottles. To me, hiding bottles is the shame that you are feeling for drinking so much/often,thus knowing you have a problem. He might be ready to face his problem or he might not care..I think,if he's hiding it, he does care. I'd have a non judgemental talk with him and see where he's at in his 'thinking'..Then go from there. Just my 2cents.. Also know that you can't help him. He has to want help.

WIfeofdrinker

Yes, I know he cares and is embarrassed about it. He's mentioned now and then that "I'm going to cut down on my drinking", even though I've never said anything.

What the heck is he doing? Is he drinking a little bit all day? Should I worry about him driving drunk? How do I just never see (or rarely) any evidence of drinking?

DontRemember

Again...Just from my personal experience: Yes, you should worry about DUI(Just look at my history(threads) on this site).. He, like I had to, will either seek outside help or be forced into it..or he will die a drunk or end up in jail..it's that simple. I drove drunk(not always blackout but over the limit) for over 14+yrs and never got caught..Now I have 2 dui's on my record..You need to ask him to seek help. In a calm, non judgemental way.. AA is a great start..Also.. This website! Had I listened to these peeps when I signed up I'd have around $100K 'extra cash', a drivers license, a non wrecked car,another company(lost it for dui), the list goes on... This IS a nasty monster!!

HTown

Can you get him off the couch? How about walking around the block? How about date night? Can you try to change your routine a bit? Do things without alcohol. I was always angry when someone mentioned my drinking. But If he brings it up, like wanting to cut back, that is your opportunity. I was always wanting someone to say something when I brought it up. like say "that is probably a great idea honey, it isnt really good for our health long-term. how can i help you with that? what do you think?"

PhoenixJ

That sucks. Having the need for SR sucks. I'm an alcie- I sucked. There is no simple answer. Perhaps go to an Al-Anon meeting. Read around all the threads/stickies/stories.

ljc267

I'm assuming he is an alcoholic, so I will answer presuming he is. I'm sure he is driving impaired. I did all the time. Not something I'm proud of but true.

Does he drink a little all day? Maybe, but that doesn't matter. I didn't drink during the day because in my mind that made me an alcoholic, and I needed to convince myself I wasn't. If he is hiding bottles he is ashamed of it. That is why I would recycle the recycling bin so if someone opened it they wouldn't see the 50 beers cans in there.

You never see it because he is an alcoholic and his tolerance is probably so high that he doesn't appear drunk. I could of downed a 12 pack with no problem and you would have no idea I drank a drop.

I would do what others suggested and talk to him. I would not be judgmental because as soon as you do he will tune out or get real angry.

I wish you the best

Grymt

My 2 cents: I try to think what worked for me. I hid my booze to protect it and my drinking. I didn't want to stop. Leave a pile of AA booklets in a neutral place. Put all empties from common spaces, the yard, boxes and bins etc on the kitchen table. Leave his private stash be. A willing dialogue is needed. Go to Al Anon.

AnvilheadII

well, one approach could be to round up all the empties and collect them altogether, kitchen table or the like. then tell your husband point blank that you are concerned, and that this level of consumption AND hiding of evidence is not normal and indicates a problem.

then let him speak. you will likely get a variety of deflections, excuses, or outright denials. but at least the cat is out of the bag.

now going forward - you can't prevent him from drinking. you can ASK him to quit buying booze and he might even agree, but that is no guarantee that he WILL.

as for how he gets away with drinking and you not noticing....you never thought you HAD to notice, observe or watch for this! plus if he has booze stashed around he can be taking nips here and there, or adding to his coffee or soda behind your back.

wishing you the best....this is a tough journey, once we know.

Maudcat

Hello, WifeOf, and welcome. I agree with the other posters that it is time to begin conversations. Addiction thrives on secrecy. Good luck. Peace.

DontRemember

This is true..BUT...please don't make it into a "private investigator, trying to nab their guy. type thing"..That can cause friction, as it did with me. As well as VERY draining for yourself..If someone wants to drink, they will.. Just be calm and lay it out that you know the level of his problem and want to help..If you do(I have no idea of your dynamic with each other). It's really amazing how what should/could be a calm talk can escalate,when dealing with the likes of him/me..I'd also suggest to make sure he's sober when you talk to/confront him..again..just my opinion.

savingmein2017

(well, one approach could be to round up all the empties and collect them altogether, kitchen table or the like. then tell your husband point blank that you are concerned, and that this level of consumption AND hiding of evidence is not normal and indicates a problem. )

Just to add to the above advice ;
If you take this approach please be prepared if he leaves. That's what my soon to BE ex alcoholic husband decided would fix the problems I had with his drinking. Or should I say the 10 vodka bottles I found under the kitchen sink and a unknown count that was in the garage , truck etc.
As many will tell you alcohol is progressive. If he doesn't choose to get help it may consume his life and not leave any room for you.

hodor

I hid my alcohol when drinking. I didn't want to/couldn't stop and I didn't want to deal with the guilt from my partner about it. She also had no idea about the quantity or the hiding, just that I was drinking at random times and couldn't really account for it.
I don't know what I would have done if she had confronted me with the evidence. Most likely try and find a way to keep drinking and not telling her. I'd probably have been more absent than I was.
It's a sad situation, I would strongly recommend al-anon for you just so you can get your head clear about where you sit with it all. In terms of him, AA worked for me and my partner is so much happier I had to get there on my own however, I wasn't in a position to take instructions from anyone, the drinking had too much of a hold of me.

tomls

He has to really want to quit for himself, because he has had enough and even then it may not happen for a long time. It took me years and it never leaves you. Al Anon is your best bet for you. You can't control other people, do it for yourself.

Algorithm

You should probably get yourself a copy of the following book, and one for him as well. It is a dirt cheap mass market paperback, and you can find it anywhere.

Under the Influence: A Guide to the Myths and Realities of Alcoholism by James Milam

Some of the ideas have been questioned since, and AA is no longer the only game in town, as it was when the book was written, but it is an easy read for the lay person, and describes the progression of alcohol addiction very clearly. It is very eye opening in that regard, even for the drinker.

I don't know your relationship, but a confrontation can be counterproductive, as some have noted. Personally, I would simply tell him that you noticed the empty containers, and are concerned about the consumption level, just as he is, based on what you've read.

He is hiding the supply in order to protect it, because he knows that something is wrong, but still feels a need to drink. If you simply confront him and demand he not buy alcohol, he'll probably just drink more outside the home, and be more at risk for DUI.

He probably won't understand this until he reads the book, but the addiction is insidious, and he will have to stop drinking. He suspects something is wrong, though, or at least feels bad about the drinking, or he wouldn't be hiding alcohol.

I would aim for a dialogue at this point, so that there is not so much hiding, and see how he feels about quitting drinking altogether. If it comes down to an ultimatum, be prepared to face defensive maneuvers, though. This thing can "feel" compelling when in the thick of it, hence the hiding.

Know also that the TV script of asking someone to "get help", like going to the doctor, and coming out all better, doesn't always work out that way, and that it is also often a defensive maneuver by the addicted person after they have been found out.

Encourage him to quit drinking first, not to get help instead of quitting drinking, and be aware that "working on the problem" can also be a stall tactic, not unlike "cutting down", which he's already tried using.

Do read the book, though, and encourage him to do the same. It will explain much.

MsCooterBrown

I didn't have to hide it. When you surround yourself with drinkers and like minded people you are good to go! BUT had I hid...I would wait till you went to bed...stay up late watching tv drinking....

Forward12

It sounds like he does for sure have a drinking problem. I use to hide bottles from my former GF and would get hammered, yet still act relatively normal in front of her.
He could be drinking when he's away, stashing and hiding mountains of bottles that you aren't seeing,.. It's for sure time to get things in order, especially if he may be drinking and driving.

WIfeofdrinker

Thanks so much, all of you, for your insight. (I don't understand how to do the "thank you" to each post thing yet). It's so helpful for me to have an idea what is going on in his head, he doesn't share stuff like that readily.

I went to bed early last night, as I was very tired, but woke up an hour and a half later. He was completely snockered and stunk (He usually goes to bed first). I could tell he was embarrassed and didn't even want to kiss me good night. It was very disheartening.

I don't think it would work well to embarass him further (by pulling out bottles), but I do think we need to have a sincere talk. I've got to think long and hard about what I want to say. I really don't think it would be helpful to tell him to stop, or to quit buying alcohol at this point. I think I just want to express to him how concerned I am, and how I want to support him in quitting. I'd be happy to not have booze in the house, if that is what it takes.

Going to Al Anon sounds like it might be helpful also. I think I went to a meeting like that many years ago (previous boyfriend). It's hard to wrap my head around him having such an issue with booze. I hope it doesn't mean that he's hiding other things from me (wouldn't be the first time unfortunately).