mariathebird

Hi All,
I have a problem that I am not ready to address but, as I expected, it is starting to creep into my mind now that I am not escaping the thoughts/feelings by drinking. Recently my sister and brother called me on my drinking, for good reason-I pulled a doozy on them when I went to visit over a weekend in Hollywood. They each live 5-10 hours from me and we see each other infrequently. The morning after, they insisted I go immediately into inpatient rehab (there in Hollywood-NOT my comfort zone at all...I live in rural Central CA). I said no, recognized I had a problem, made a few commitments to consider in/outpatient or "something' and drove home to my husband and two kids.

Background: I have been an evening drinker for 10+ years..am successful at and LOVE my work as an educator/therapist, sole breadwinner in home w/family of 4, two amazingly grounded teens with whom I have a wonderful and honest relationship, and a husband who has been doing his best to contribute and support me in my endeavors, including my quest for sobriety.

My siblings are very judgmental and critical, thanks to my mom-we grew up with what we call "digs" whenever we didn't do things just right . Once I returned home I did some research in/outpatient. I also jumped back in to Women for Sobriety, started reading here on SR, reached out to counselor and some friends. I decided no to the inpatient/outpatient (I can buy a car for each of my teens for the price of that which is available to me and the reviews of the facilities are far less than stellar). I really appreciated the understanding and support from people I have reached out to who "get it" and accepted me and my decision in how I am addressing this life threatening problem I have. I have read a ton, viewed documentaries, bubble-hour podcasts, etc. All and all, I believe I am DOING THIS once and for all--I am determined.

My sister is intense and emotional. Once I was home from the Hollywood visit, I received almost daily texts with messages saying things like "Praying that you will check into inpatient today. XOXO" "What's your plan today so that you don't end up losing everything and everybody". Granted, this is from my sister who binge drinks herself as well as valium and pot to the mix...all my siblings are heavy drinkers/users of prescription meds.

When I texted her back sharing what I am doing/plans, I received follow up texts with scathing comments (my family is toxic, codependent, I am never going to make it, SR and WFS are only useful AFTER inpatient intensive treatment (NOT TRUE) , etc). She also texted my 17 year old daughter and said some awful things about me and my addiction, after which she offered for her to go live with her and her husband... (my sis doesn't have kids, not sure if this contributes or not)...my daughter forwarded this message to me and was very upset that my sister would do that (my family is not super close to my sibs..we see each other maybe once a year-and frankly, my daughter and son have had quite a few negative experiences with the two of them due to their own drinking, so they have kept their distance). My sister says "no judgment here" but...well the judgment IS there which is fair given my PAST actions, but the nasty words cut like a knife.

Before any responses to my sis, I have tried to self analyse-is it my addiction being defensive? I don't think so..her words are berating and mean. No, my life and my family is not close to perfect, but we are living a humble positive life and doing our best. And dang, to read those judgmental comments has sucked...and no drink to numb it out..

One of the statements from other program we are encouraged to address, after recognizing we have a problem, is to remove negativity from our lives...both self inflicted and that which we receive from others. After communicating via text w/ my sister the pain her words cause (super triggering too, which I did not say) and asking her to refrain from the putdowns, she texted back something along the lines of "Fine. I will never text you again have a good life".

She has gone to this extreme before with my brother and me when she can't control things or doesn't like the decisions we have made, but I have always been the one to "step up" and initiate a conversation so as to salvage to relationship. This time I did not do that. I decided that I need to remove her negativity from my life at this early stage of sobriety.

So now I am thinking about how we will be able to reconnect. I am not ready to do this, I need more time under my belt, but I am feeling bad that I have not made attempts that in the past I have been the one to initiate and so "repair" the relationship.

Long post! Been on my mind.. am grateful for the 2 weeks under my belt, am grounding myself in people that support me. ..but I know at some time in the future I will want to step up to bat and open a conversation with her.

Thanks in advance for reading. Comments welcome and appreciated.

HTown

Honestly, if it was me, I would write my sister a short note, and say "I just want you to know I love you, I appreciate you caring about me, and I am working a program to address my drinking."

That's it. no details. no drama. Then I would focus on me and my sobriety. You cannot deal with this other stuff right now. Take the focus off of your sister, just as she should take the focus off you and work on herself, and make a plan and work your plan.

milly4me

((Oh honey))

Boundaries! You are describing a dysfunctional toxic mess (sorry to be so blunt). All the behaviors are there; stern judgment, veiled offers of concerns (barely masking control issues), triangulation (thru your daughter), and classic emotional manipulation ("fine, then i'll never speak to you again").

That stuff is EXHAUSTING! Exhausting.

You deserve so.much.BETTER.than.this!!

As an educator and therapist you know the truth...this stuff is just so hard to see when you are in the middle of it.

My suggestion is to make your plan (what you think is best for yourself ) and simple thank your sister for her concern but let her know you will reach out to her when/ if you need anything more. DON'T discuss details with her. DON'T engage her further. Keep repeating, "thanks for your concern" and change the subject.

I can almost guarantee that she will resist with anger and attempts at emotional manipulation. But that's on her. You can't control how she reacts to your boundaries.

It certainly sounds like she has anger and control issues (and substance issues?) that she needs to work on herself. Really the kindest thing to do for her is to disengage and stop fueling her issues too.

Good luck. Man that just sucks.

biminiblue

I went no contact/extremely limited contact with my mother and grandfather for years. You can do the same thing. It was good for me, and probably good for them too. It's not necessary to stay enmeshed in these types of relationships. When we came back together things were much different and I was more able to stand up for myself in a healthy way.

If something or someone is threatening my sobriety, they have to go: not just my alcohol sobriety, but my emotional sobriety. I don't let anyone in my circle of trust who hasn't earned it and who doesn't maintain healthy boundaries with me.

Anna

I removed a few judgemental people from my life when I began recovery. I was very, very fragile. I knew I would not cope with negative comments about any aspect of my life, not just drinking, until I had some time and perspective. My advice is that you know instinctively what is right for you now. You may or may not initiate contact again in the future, but for now, focus on you and what you need to remain sober.

mariathebird

Excellent. Thank you all. I did express the "I love and appreciate your concern and will be doing this my way" message. This did not go over well since in her heart and mind she "knows" what is best for me and if I don't do that then I am screwed. Black and white. Right and wrong.

I did not consider the extent of the behaviors...triangulation, veiled offers of concerns, emotional manipulations described by Milly4me. Dang.

Yes, you are right and I agree no/low contact needs to continue for as long as I need. I am very vulnerable to any negative comments directed at me or may family right now and that is that.

I am realizing that this isn't just gonna be a quick fix and back to the same old after a few weeks..I am in this for the long haul. I need to take care of my sobriety as if my life depends on it. Which is does.

Thanks again for your concern and wisdom

BixBees505

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BixBees505

^^^^
I agree with this. If you feel you can't/don't want to cut her off...Share the "communication plan" with your kids and hub, so all of you can quote the same few words: "We love you too, auntie (sis, etc). Take care, and we will too! Later! "

Don't elaborate or explain.

DontRemember

Sounds like a lot of 'projection' from your sister. My ex's family are all the same way and it used to really make me uneasy to visit them and see the way they treat/spoke to each other. Not that my family is perfect but, there's always been respect. I've noticed that a lot of my and my ex's drunken arguments were from 'projecting' the crappy way either of us were feeling at the moment and then using that as 'fuel' for the argument...Very toxic way of living. I was/am never like that sober or before I met my ex,however my ex lives it daily drinking or not. Just take a breather from the drama and focus on you and your homelife...No need for the sister to be around for a while.

milly4me

Well if it makes you feel any better, I think these kinds of things (toxic dysfunction and substance abuse) kind of goes hand-in-hand. So a lot of us can relate.

Marissa41

Had the same relationship with my sister and mother. They went so far as to call child protective services on us for our 12 year old autistic daughter. My child was clean, fed, and on time to school everyday. I also made every single parent conference she ever had and always had her doctor's checkups. Needless to say the case was dropped and the therapist interviewing us asked why were we even there.
And my sister and mother live over four hours away from us and only see us maybe twice a year. Toxic relationships are bad. I didn't have the tools I needed then and once CPS was out of the picture my drinking got much worse. It pushed me over the edge in a bad way.
Good Luck! Keep them at a distance. I talk to my mother now because she realized what they did wasn't the best plan of action, but not so much my sister.