tomsteve

no one offends me unless I allow it.
and if I am offended, its my problem and not a problem of the person that offended me.

you have the right to stand up for yourself and if people don't like it, that's their problem.

Melissa1217

Thank you because I was taught just the opposite.

I remember with my mother it was always "don't you embarrass me" or something else I wasn't supposed to do.

Her way of thinking isnt working for me.

Grymt

I find being assertive scary. Not because of what anyone else does or may do but because it unleashes an anxiety within me.

If I'm confident that what I feel I need to be assertive about is valid I state it in as clear, simple, straight-forward way as I can. Often in letter form which gives me a chance to review and rewrite.

Then I pass it on and observe the inevitable anxiety arise within me. I observe the behaviour patterns I resort to. This gives me an opportunity to adjust that behaviour to be more appropriate and I keep in mind that whatever uncomfortable sensations that arise will also pass. As it always does. Each time makes it easier next time.

Ariesagain

You are me. My parents were/are all about what other people will think. I used to get an evaluation from my mother after every social event as to how well I behaved, what I should or shouldn't have said, did or didn't do.

It's no wonder as an adult I'd rather have a root canal than go to a party.

We're brainwashed...we just need to recognize it and try to learn to stand up for ourselves.

As the saying goes, if you're pleasing everyone, you're doing it wrong.

But I completely understand that struggle.

Dee74

I agree with Anna on the value of learning to say no.

I was sick the first time I said it cos for a lot of my life I'd been a people pleaser - couldn't stand conflict or the idea of people not liking me.

The fact is if people dislike you because you say no to something, they;re not really long term friend material anyway.

I live in a block where, if I wanted to I could party every day - a lot of the people here have physical or mental disabilities and there's a lot of drinking and drugging that goes on.

When I moved in, I made it clear in a firm but friendly way that that wasn't my deal: 'no thanks I'm not a drinker/smoker...catch you later'...

I do my own thing and mind my own business. I'm still friendly with everyone and everyone seems to like me - no BFFs here but that's fine, I have those anyway

D

wpainterw

Melissa1217: It's only when you start on a sobriety plan that you gradually discover who your "friends" really were or still are. The party folks, particularly those with alcohol problems, want to suck you in to make themselves feel better. Misery loves company. Others may laugh at you behind your back. "The life of the party!" (Ho!Ho!) Don't want the clown to stop drinking. Dump the court jester when she's sober! Do they really care for you? Should you really care for them? With sobriety you'll find friends worth caring for. And find you're every bit worth caring for. You'll come to find your self, your real self and your real friends.

Bill.

Midwest1981

you just have to say no and be firm about it if you have too. It is hard but it gets easier. it is part of putting your sobriety first. You are worth it and don't feel guilty about it.

Leonidas

Why not just be honest with her and tell her you are sober now and don't feel comfortable with the smoking in your car? I'm sure she'd understand. Sometimes I feel like we make our excuses harder than they have to be. Probably stems from trying to hide the truth from people for so long lol.

Outonthetiles

It's legal in Washington. Take my word for it,... pot is the stupidest drug ever. Once it's legal it seems incredibly lame, and it was. After it was legal I went through a period of using the drops, then I used the edibles for biking and running (there was a theory that it helps with long distance running and biking. News flash: all it did was make me slow down, then eventually fall over), then I tried the vape. Here's an interesting aside: I found that I lost all conversational skills on pot, and after a couple months of frequent usage I developed periodic vertigo, culminating in my falling over in a bowling alley while throwing a gutter ball. I'd never heard of the vertigo thing, but in my case, it really happened. I stopped the pot and it went away.
I think of pot like MTV...when it first came out everyone watched it for hours and hours, and eventually, you just stop watching.
I never got how evangelistic people can be about the merits of pot. I guess it has a different affect on them. For me, all it did was make me paranoid. I guess one positive thing is that it made me introspective and realize that I was a pathetic drunk and that I needed to stop drinking.

Melissa1217

I never got the pot thing either. Guess that's fortunate.

And Leonidas, I don't know if this is a "wrong" attitude, but my privacy and personal life ...not stuff I feel I have to share with the entire universe.

Any issues I had or may have, with alcohol or lactose intolerance or anything else, I don't feel that I have to share personal information with the neighbors. Or anyone else.

People not in recovery or unhealthy people in general misuse info like that. It's none of their business.

Leonidas

Roger that!

Didn't mean you had to disclose your life story but I hear ya. Not everybody who's sober has had previous drinking or pot issues.

wpainterw

I totally agree. I have a friend who on several occasions has insisted that I tell him why I'm not drinking and that I should disclose to him whether I'm an "alcoholic" since "he knows all about it and would be able to understand this." I tell him to shove off but he insists. Makes me furious. Should I issue a press release maybe? "Apologize" publicly? Tell the whole world I'm "sorry"?

W.