Polaroid

I know something is wrong. It needs more toxins in the bloodstream for it to beat faster.

I'm going to the hospital either today or tomorrow. I cannot believe I haven't beaten this yet.

When .... / if I beat it, I'll never touch another drop. I swear Never, it's a misery, a total nightmare. I'm 33, too young to die imo.

I suppose forsomeone, you need to get this smeared in you face until you realize ... this is no way to live. Live? It's not even a life.

PhoenixJ

Do not drink. Go to the hospital and get your life back.

Polaroid

This was supposed to be an Edit but I couldn't; I know this doesn't apply to everyone, but I have a natural low pbm. When I was a rehab they clocked it at around 40.

Rehab? Relapse. Yea, dumbest thing I ever did. Trust me, the dumbest thing you'll ever do is to relapse.

Polaroid

Thank you. It's so easy to say having two wine bottles in me..

What worries me.... do I have hepatits? Do I have any uncurable disease?

I've been thinking alot, alot, alot. That's what I am, a thinker. And I'm not ready to die.... really... maybe I'm overplaying but still, you get the point....

sweetichick

It sounds like you may have drunk and are having accompanying panic attacks. Just try to relax. You won't die overnight but may have to really consider giving up. I'm only saying this on what I can gather from your post.

Dee74

I hope you will go to the hospital Polaroid. Keep us updated.

D

Polaroid

You should be a nurse....

I've been panicking for about 80 hours now, thoughts of dying, seiruzes - but well, nothing has happened yet.

Alcohol or not. Your post calmed me a little bit down.

Ironically, the wine has worn off but I feel more relaxed. I guess I just panic when I / feel like I'm alone...?

To be honest I'm tired of the "See your Dr, Go to the ER" things on this forum. For me, those phrases just creates more anxiety.

Still going to the hospital, just to make sure..

I don't care if you are male or female. I don't care if you are 20 or 90. Thank you.

Dee74

Good advice is good advice Polaroid, even when it's not entirely welcomed.
If you go to the hospital we'll stop nagging you

D

Polaroid

You won't ever nag me D

But yea, like I said; I'm going. (More tax payer's dollars wasted, bleh /No sarcasm)

sweetichick

Thanks Polaroid. I just know from what I've gone through myself. Glad to be of help.

Polaroid

Why am i procrastinating? Because I still have tons of wine in my apartment?

yes ... I think it's because I still have tons of wine ....

Why is it so hard to just dial 3 numbers....? Because I feel my life is not at stake?**** you anxiety.

noneever

Get rid of the wine. Now. Even if it's the only thing you do today.

Dee74

I'm sorry your still struggling Polaroid.

Me? if I drank my way through the wine I'd be that much more invested in getting some more.

Dump it/sell it/ regift it now and cut this bender short?

You'll look back and be glad you did

D

Polaroid

D, I've been thinking, and I can't think otherwise than that it must be a struggle for you too.

I mean, isn't it exhausting posting to alcoholics, typing in a few words, just to try to help....?

Forgive me if I'm wrong. It may be rewarding.

I see you edited my post at exactly 7:47 (my time).... I always wanted to be a pilot.....

Dee74

I wouldn't be here if I didn't want to be Polaroid

Really, my part in this is pretty simple - you're the guy with the heavy lifting....

You're not alone though

D

Berrybean

Please just go get checked out. Even if you blame us (Well meaning friends) for nagging you into going if they turn round and say you are okay. I remember listening to the same procrastination from a man I was working with one day who had relapsed the night before after a good decade of not drinking. He was driving the lorry while I was loading and unloading toys for a playscheme we were helping to set up, so had sobered up enough to drive all day. I kept nagging him not to lift anything too heavy if he felt ill. Mid afternoon he picked up a toy bucket and spade from the lorry floor and fell to the floor of the lorry holding those studio plastic toys to his chest. I thought he was kidding about at first, but sadly no. He had a heart attack right there. The boss, who was a close friend of his was a first aider, and she ran out and tried mouth to mouth and the other stuff, but she couldnt help him. He was a real nice guy as well.

Please. Just leave the wine and your ego at home and go get checked. If the worst that happens is that they says all is well and send you home then it will have been a good day. No need to panic. Just get your sorry alcoholic self checked out.

Maybe afterwards you could donate the unopened wine to somewhere that could raffle it off, or to non-alcohol friends who can enjoy it in that Normie way that doesn't mess their life up.

Hoping that you reach out for some medical assistance today. Asap.
BB

Polaroid

Thank you for the response BB,

I'm just so extremely stubborn, but well... I know I'll be at there (the hospital) sooner or later.

It's just so strange how I have not died yet. 3 SC attempts, 6-7 seizures (I've lost count). The thing is, if I go to the hospital, I don't have my 'safety net'... might get another seizure, can't get them to understand, etc.

heart rate at 60. i'm fairly sober now, and that's what makes me /panic/

Polaroid

Okay, that's it. I promise you all I will get inpatient medical help asap.

I woke up today feeling like absolute.... bleh... Extreme anxiety, and it doesn't help that I feel all alone in this.

** the wine, it just makes it worse. why is still crap still legal? (yadda prohibiton, protests, blabla)

I'm done with this torture. My support system will probably call me in the early morning, which would be in around 2-3 hours. And I'll at least try to get them to understand...

I'm done. I need to get inpatient, if for nothing else than a simple detox. I've had enough. And I'm not making jokes, I am serious. Within 48 hours I'll not be lying in my own bed, but a hospital bed, just crawling through the withdawals. Am I scared? Yes, terrified. What if, what if... that's all I think. What if, something is seriously wrong with my body?


/Panic rant. But Iike I said, I'm serious. I came at 6'3 feet, but I'm not looking down on anyone. I'm just looking up, for help.

If not for me, for my sisters.

Dee74

I hope you'll get some help today Polaroid - prayers and best wishes out to you

D

Polaroid

Thanks Dee. I can't believe I made >this< just about a month ago. A taper plan that obviosly hasn't worked.

Right now, I don't really understand squat of what I did. How did I program thousands of line of code? I don't get it...

What feels so good about sobriety is that your mind gets so much clearer. So in one aspect, I really cannot wait. I suppose I just have to go through some pain first...

(don't worry about the link, no sensitive information is there)