2912bb

I am looking for advice about my brother. He has lived with my bf and i pretty much for the last year. First he lived in the house we were renting and he was building our new home for us, for which we paid him a weekly wage, and paid for food and utilities. It became apparent that his drinking was worse than we thought. He would drink everyday and most nights would drink alone until 3 or 4am. He would get up around midday and put in half a days work and we would pay him the same no matter how many hours. He would go 3 or 4 days without working. Had a really short temper and was just a miserable person a lot of the time. We put up with it because we were worried if we offended him he would abandon building our house. Selfish of us i know. We have lived in the new house for about 4 months now and he is still living with us because he has obtained more work in our town and has some friends who live here. His friends are alcoholics too. He owns a house in another town but it is a wreck and he is broke and cant fix it up. I think he is trying to escape the mess he has made of his life. He still drinks the same amount and it is causing problems with me and my bf. We are sick of living with a drunk. Sick of empty beer cans everywhere and the spare room smells like a brewery. I feel bad because just when i have had enough he will go and buy groceries or do some yard work and i then i feel too guilty to say something because i know he is a nice guy deep down. I really dont know what to do. If he was just here working and not drinking constantly it would be ok but i feel like he has permanently moved in without us realising it.

CLAS

I have seen Dr Phil episodes that cover scenarios like this. He recommends giving a definite must be out by date, say 3 weeks or so. He must be out by then and you can't change the rules and feel sorry him and fold.

sweetichick

Don't feel sorry for him. He's taken advantage of you enough. All alcoholics care about is their next drink. He's got a house to go to so it's not like you are putting him on the street. It may be what he needs to do something about his drinking.

Nonsensical

I think you do.

I think you're just hoping someone has an easier way that might work that you have not thought of.

Been there, done that.

Best of Luck on Your Journey.

Mentium

Something has to give doesn't it - and why should it be you? If you don't deal with it and take it head on it will end with a crisis almost inevitably.

You might offer to help him straighten his place out so it is liveable if that is a possibility.

Maudcat

Well, from what you describe, 2912bb, your brother has a problem with alcohol.
And he has what all alcohol-dependent people desire: a place to drink. He will stay in that safe drinking place forever if he can. It's not personal. It's what they do.
But....if you are waiting for him to leave on his own, you will likely have a long wait.
Assume you and your SO have expressed concern about his drinking? If not, you should and soon. That is the first step to getting your house back.
He may be ready for rehab, or to stop drinking and work a program. He may not be.
If not, how about you and your SO agree that he should go, then tell him. Give him a deadlne if you want, but in my experience, deadlines to alcoholics are just so much hot air.
But make it clear, it's time for him to go.
This feels harsh, but it's not. He needs to go his own way, make his choices. You are not his hostages.
Al-Anon is a good group for people whose lives have been impacted by another's drinking. Perhaps you and your SO should check out some meetings. Could be helpful.

Maudcat

Also, it is pretty classic alcoholic behavior to do just enough, like do some yard work or buy groceries, so that they can continue to live in a safe, drinking place. I believe that he is taking advantage of your good nature and because you are his sis.

DontRemember

I heard at a meeting that: "All an alchy wants is to climb in someone's arms,have them make some food and give them $$ for more booze." I know that's ALL I cared about after a while.. someone who 'cared',roof,food,booze and some extra cash.. Basically a 2-4yr old child's mentality (insert toys for booze).

You will have to set him down and just tell him. I'm sure he'll gaslight the hell out of you so, expect that. Just put your foot down and hopefully he'll thank you for it when he's finally freed from his demons. Best wishes.

Dee74

I'm sorry for what brings you here, but I think the get out date is a great idea 2912.

D

2912bb

Thanks. I found your advice really helpfully and the safe drinking place stuff is so true and has opened my eyes. I think because its my brother i will never really trust myself to see the situation for exactly what it is and i needed other people to confirm it for me.

2912bb

Thanks you