BrendaChenowyth

I absolutely love that visual. lol You never think of what their feet are doing, they seem to just be floating along.

People look at me and see a person that has it all together. Inside I'm a complete mess. No one would ever believe how dark I actually am lol But I get away with a lot of evil **** because of my appearance and voice, I give off an impression of extreme naivety and it works to my advantage.. I have really struggled with controlling those impulses in sobriety because I can't numb anymore. Before I could sneak around and do what I wanted and only half remember, and of course eventually drink again. Now I remember everything I have done and I feel ashamed and I feel stuck in it.

teatreeoil007

Not going to push step work on you Brenda, but shame is all part of it and dealing with all the issues...there are things you've done you feel ashamed of. We've all been there and know how that feels. It has to be dealt with; processed. If you need to cry because of it...cry and let it all out. If you need totally confide in someone about what you've done, that can help too, but likely it needs to be someone you can really TRUST...and trust can be hard to come by...you need someone who is safe to confide in. Someone who will really listen and not judge. Someone who doesn't just jump to making all these suggestions of what you need to do or do better. YOU are the one, really who needs to do the work of working through the issues, processing and resolving the feelings and finding a workable solution for yourself. Either way, I hope things start to look up for you....

Fly N Buy

When I started to feel and experience true empathy again it was indeed painful. There's a Seinfeld episode where jerry has tears on his checks asking " What is this salty discharge?"

TS asks how long did we drink and how long sober = time is correct.

Ya know we can enjoy the journey - it's just that noise between my left and right ears that gets in the way.

teatreeoil007

Brenda-Go to the gym. Speak up. Don't be a victim to circumstances any longer. Put that concept into practice. Try it out. See how it goes. What have you got to lose? They are already barring you from the gym. So take a risk and speak up. Try it. It's liberating.

Mountainmanbob

If you just don't drink it will probably in time get better.
As I've gotten older I expect less from life
yet, stay very grateful for it.
I have learned to be ok in the not so exciting days and nights
actually seem to have finally found serenity there.

It's what we make of it -- let's go look into the mirror.
Grateful that I (we) still have eyes to see.

M-Bob

Gottalife

It sounds like untreated alcoholism as I experienced it, but it also sounds like depression. I am not sure how you tell the difference. My experience was that I ended up in a similar state after ten weeks in the nut farm, and about six weeks back in the world. 21 years old and not the least bit interested in AA.

My method for treating my alcoholism, which I didn't believe I really had, was to do nothing. I tried to go to work, and just live like a normal person. I really hoped that my mad drinking history was caused by something else. The nurses report described my living conditions as "absolute squalor," and I wasn't drinking. I wasn't working either by this time as I could not get out of bed.

Shocked at my state, they diagnosed depression and anxiety, and pumped me full of pills that did not fix the problem. I fixed the problem by drinking, and sold my pills to some people who are interested in that sort of thing. Drinking was the only thing that made me feel at least half ok.

A year later my alcoholism got treated through the AA program and I haven't drank since.

I am not sure a correct diagnosis would have made any difference because, at the time it mattered, I was really unable to see the truth of my situation.

BrendaChenowyth

I may go tomorrow. Pretty ****** customer service to say "We'll figure this out and give you a call on Monday" and never make an effort to contact me.

teatreeoil007

Ok: Here's what you do. You call them back. There are ways to get through to people, there really are...this can be learning experience for you and then you can apply it to nursing as nurses are patient advocates and often have to go to bat for them.

Go to bat for yourself her, hon. I don't know if you like baseball/softball, but I used to be one heck of a hitter and that's why the coaches saw me in PE and told I needed to sign up for softball. Didn't ask me to. Told me to....(hahaha)...ok, enough about me...but the mentality is the same here and I think it's a good analogy. When you go up to bat, you never kn ow what kind of pitch you're going to get. And some pitchers are a **tch to deal with, but it's you and the bat against that ball that is coming your way....gotta have a good eye, a really good eye and when you take a swing really make it count hon. Nothing quite like when the bat hits the ball and you know you've got a good hit. You never know, you might even hit it out of the ball park. But you'll NEVER really know until you step up to bat. Do you know how many times Babe Ruth struck out? A LOT. But he just kept getting up to bat and swinging away.

BrendaChenowyth

Gas and bank on lunch break.. if I pack gym clothes I can go straight to the gym after class.. then go shopping, grab dinner and go to the 12 step meeting.. That's my vision for my day and I think if I actually follow through, it will go a long way to lift me from my funk.

I hate that I have to go shopping for new clothes. Mother says my ass is sagging and I need smaller jeans. She's on top of things like this as she really wants me to find a man. lol Everything about me needs perking up for that to have a chance at happening!

teatreeoil007

That sounds like a fabulous plan Brenda!

Good luck on shopping for jeans, dear. There are so many to choose from and some are expensive. When I was in Vegas I went to the True Religion Jeans store and some of them cost $300 dollars. OMG...I like boyfriend jeans myself lately. But I really like to wear comfortable stuff and skirts are fun. I have a lot of skirts...some really cute ones. Anyways...shopping for jeans can be fun...Get something really special for yourself that you really like, 'k?

hodor

This post was absolute gold. Already trying some of these things out of that book and its making a big difference. Thanks a lot mate!!

Michael66

Just on shame, in the Catholic Church we deal with that by confession. I think AA is the same. Could you find a pastor, or someone, you can deeply trust, to help you offload that shame Brenda?

LilynLucy

I feel for you Brenda, I think what Hawkeye said in his post makes a lot of sense, it is a rollercoaster of emotions really and it is time spent sober that is the only answer. Personally I take anti depressants and feel I need more, however at the moment I am taking herbal supplements to help with anxiety and sleep problems. The doc gave me sleeping tabs but only took for 2 days, as like most people with an addiction often swap one for another. Not the answer of course!!! Shutting down from feeling anything is natures way of protecting ourselves and not always a bad thing. As long as we feel we can do that we feel safer. But feeling things are part of recovery as hard as it is to deal with. I am newly on recovery and have a long road ahead. Taking one day at a time is all we can do...sending love and hope to you all.....xxxxxxxx

LilynLucy

That is really interesting, thank you x

Jojay

Taking any form of anti-depressant medication has never been an option for me personaly.I am a firm believer in Counselling etc,or ANY safe avenue where we can talk through the many issues we in recovery encounter

teatreeoil007

I'll give a partial analysis based on what you've shared here Brenda.

I think your self esteem has long been suppressed. There are some serious childhood issues. Things that happened to you. When you tried to speak up for yourself because of those things-the mistreatment-you were shot down. The 'message' you got from all that is that you don't count, you are a nobody and you just need to shut up and put up with whatever. That is complete BS and you need to reject it.

That is just wrong, wrong, and wrong.

So, from what I can gather, this had carried over into your life today. You don't want to speak up at the health club. You 'settled' for a relationship with a man who was never really available and just gave you little tokens of attention which you interpreted as 'love'.

You want love, belonging, acceptance, support...the things that were missing from your childhood. Things that provide the foundation for a healthy self esteem and help you go through life with a can-do attitude. Beware that you may be drawn to nursing as a means of pleasing others to build your self esteem...RELYING on others for that. In pleasing others you get a certain amount of positive feedback, but what about pleasing yourself? What about your needs?

It's time to please Brenda, Brenda. You are important. Don't let anyone sell you short.

BrendaChenowyth

The relationship I'm getting over.. it was an infatuation with a man who never wanted me.. it was transference of unresolved feelings from my father from 25 years ago.. smh.. I did quit drinking in August, and after ten months of thinking I was in love with this man (also an alcoholic) I finally realized what it was all about.. and I felt freed of it at first.. but that was when I was still seeing him (I took care of his aunt and he lived across the street and visited her daily).. it was hard to be around him knowing what I had projected upon him and that I actually never knew him at all and that none of my feelings were reciprocated.. I quit my job and got a new one but ended up having a lot of emotional fallout once I was out of the situation.. I craved him like a drug and still think about him constantly..

It's just the dopamine thing as someone said.. he replaced alcohol as my source of dopamine surges and I have been in major withdrawal from them since.. I just need to figure out how I can keep my dopamine levels more stable, no extreme highs or lows..

LadyBlue0527

Brenda,

What I'm about to say might not apply to your situation in the least bit but I have to offer it.

I lived the "what's the point" stage and it started probably about 3 months prior to my relapse. I would consistently complain that I felt like I was doing nothing than merely existing. It was pretty damned depressing. Now that I can look back at that point in time I begin to see things about my actions that pointed to self sabotage. I was effectively removing joy from anything in order to work on my true end game which was to drink again. I didn't see it then but I see it now. You could have offered me the most fun thing I could ever want to do and I would have rolled my eyes at it and complained that it was boring. Because, to allow myself to have fun would have been admittance that life really does exist beyond alcohol. We can't have that!

Like I said, this may not apply to you at all. I see the posts about anhedonia and where I do believe it warrants merit I do think we have the tendency to bring some of this on ourselves. If I could tell you how many times my husband would sit there and say "well, then how about we (activity)"? Making all suggestions to me to appease my complaining that I felt like I was merely existing. My responses were negative. Again, removing all possibility of doing anything to lead me with only one option left. To drink. Not good.

Think of a child who wants to go to the county fair and the parent can't afford it so they offer something smaller like going to the beach for ice cream or a movie. Under normal circumstances that child would jump up and down to go get ice cream or to the movies but this circumstance is different. They want to go to the fair. Nothing else will suffice. The same could be said for our drinking. In our minds nothing is going to match the thrill of what comes out of that container so all else will fail to please us. God, isn't that enough to expose the insanity? It can and has ruined our life and still we want to play the game.

Anyway, I know that sometimes there are times when I don't feel like doing anything but I do it anyway. I often find that once I am actively doing what I was turning my nose up at I actually have a good time. I never thought it possible to find joy in some of the things that I do now. It just took a little effort on my part to force myself to get there.

Getting used to sober life is not easy, you know this. The quickest way to find the answer to "What's the point" and to regain interest is to get out there and find out what your new interest and joy is. It's out there waiting for you and it doesn't involve alcohol. You'll find it and feel better that you did, I promise.

BrendaChenowyth

I need to force myself to get up and do something.

teatreeoil007

Well, yes, it is definitely dopamine. But you yourself said you saw him as someone who met some of the needs you didn't get met from your dad. So, there is also very much some childhood issues that need to be explored/addressed and the best person to do that well and safely for you is a good therapist. In my mind there was a reason you ever became addicted to alcohol in the first place. Then he came along to replace the alcohol? That may be partly true. But he also replaced something that was missing from your father. Your dopamine issues may have actually started in childhood. It's all connected and so many things affect our dopamine production and levels. Diet, exercise, adequate sleep,yes. But also stress, abuse, lack of emotional, mental, and spiritual needs being met.

It may also be a serotonin and nor-epinephrine issue.