Elliemae215

Hi there to all, I hope you are well!

I'm sitting here by myself and my husband is at our other home. I am not drinking, nor am I thinking about it at the moment. Which I am grateful for that. In one of my threads, it was mentioned that I wasn't being honest with myself. I had to think about that. I believe I am being honest with myself. I am not being honest with anyone else. I would like to come clean and get it out in the open here. It was stated that husband probably knows the severity of my bingeing problem. I seriously don't think he truly knows. That's because I hide it from him and everyone. I drink alone after he goes to bed to the point of blacking out. I get on the phone with friends who are like me and drink myself into oblivion until I pass out, fall and hurt myself bad, or once I tripped over my little dog and hurt her very badly, which my husband to this day does not know it was me that hurt her. I'd say that's being completely honest with myself, wouldn't you? I have not been honest with my husband who lives with me and does not know the severity of this problem. I've hidden it that well. My family doesn't know the severity of my problem, and a small few of my closest friends know of this problem, one more than any of them. That's it. That's how deep this is and how well I've hidden it. Even my kids don't know the real truth. I drink alone and I like it that way. I drink socially and when I'm upset, when I'm happy, when I feel like it. I've done this for years. Since I can remember. It started when I was 18 or earlier. I am now in my 50's....Wow. It's been my secret and I've liked it that way. Until recently, I've been scaring myself. I haven't had anything to drink and I've been alone. I am so grateful for that> I am doing what I said I would and I am working on myself when I am alone. I went to my first meeting right here on SR last night, and I am so happy I finally had the nerve to do it> I'm proud of myself. I know I am strong enough to beat this. I know I have to come clean to my husband, and I will. I have to get a grip on this first and I am grateful that I have the time to myself to do that. I miss my husband being with me. We will be celebrating 30 years of marriage in March and dated a few before that. I have been with him in my life for over half of my life. He is a trigger for me. It is something we have always done together. I realize this has to change for me because I do not have control over alcohol anymore. I remember when I was in High School someone I was partying with told me that I was going to be an alchy someday. I asked them why they said that. They said it was because my personality changed when I drank. It really does, and not for the better. I wish you all a great evening! Thanks for listening!

Dee74

I think your hubby probably has his suspicions. I used to think I hid it well too but I cringe now looking back.

I think, generally speaking, partners and spouses have a right to know whats going on...unless of course you feel to do that would be detrimental in some way..

We need all our energy in the early days to stay sober and keeping secrets takes up a lot of our available energy,...

You could even bring up the fact you find his drinking triggers you, if you think bringing that up will help.

Anna

I'm glad you are accepting that you need to be honest with yourself and that you need to stop drinking. As Dee said, I suspect your husband has a reasonable idea what's going on. Like you, I hid my drinking as much as possible. I drank at home, alone. But, when I stopped drinking and had clarity, I realized I hadn't hidden things very well.

The main thing is to focus on staying sober.

fini

Elliemae,
yes, i hid theextent of my drinking well enough that when i sobered up and decided to confide in some people close to me, such as my kids and friends, i first had to tell tem that i was an alcoholic.
they had all seen me drink socially, but were clueless that i never stopped there. my fear and shame were so huge throughout my three decades of drinking that i spent tremendous effort on manipulationg situations and evenings in such a way as to be left alone to get drunk.

anyway.......i got sober when i was 51, and my best suggestion is to get very active in sobriety -related daily action. served me well.

leviathan

While alcs are notorious for their dishonesty with others, its the lies we tell ourselves that keep us sick.
Getting honest with others helped. Getting honest with myself saved my life.

MsCooterBrown

Drinking does take a LOT of energy. Lots of cover up to think of. Hiding stash...where to put the trash. I think staying up half the night alone to drink so no one knows is futile. You wake up and can smell that the bedroom smells like whatever you were drinking...and if you smell that your partner/spouse does too. The other thing...they may not say they know...but they know. I answered the phone a few times drunk as a skunk. I see myself as One Who Never Slurs. ANOTHER lie I told myself. They know. I am on track to get it right this time...and I hope the same for you EllieMae! We are the same age...Take care.

Elliemae215

Thanks to all for your words, they are helpful. I cracked up when I read the reply from mscooterbrown about drinking taking a lot of energy such as hiding trash. OMG, that hit home. I suppose you are all right, on some level my husband does know about these episodes, but don't think he truly knows about my most recent blackouts or hurting myself in a fall that I still have a terrible bruise from almost 4 weeks later. Again, I lied saying that I rolled over on a weight when I was working out. After I hid it for as long as I could. UGH.... I made it 7 days. He knows that I am not drinking and knows it's because I am on Meds for a possible kidney issue. He encourages me for not drinking, but then states (because we are apart right now) that he misses drinking with me. Especially on Friday nights. And you are right, I am probably not as clever as I think I am when it's 2am and I've been drinking since 5pm. I've even resorted to leaving empty bottles in the fridge. What a dumb ass! I don't think he checks, but I could be wrong. I've hidden wine bottles in the trash countless times. On really bad nights, I'll drink wine then switch to something stronger later, usually Vodka. Sometimes I drink beer if I've had too much wine. This doesn't happen weekly or nightly but I'd say at least 2 x per month as of lately. It's bad. The next day when I am hung over I act normal and like nothing happened the night before even though I feel horrible. Today is 7 days sober and counting. I feel hopeful and proud that I am alone and I am not allowing myself to drink. Today is the last day of my Meds. But still feel that little twinge in my left Kidney. Honestly, I am afraid to drink at this point. A complete Intervention of some sort. I wish you all well on Super Bowl Sunday. I was invited to a gathering of one of my neighbors tonight, however, I think I will go to the beach and watch the Sunset instead. That's more my speed these days. Choose to have a great day!

thomas11

Being honest with ourselves is sometimes pretty uncomfortable, but I also believe it is a requirement for sobriety. The lies and lying have no place in clean living. Just my 2 cents.

Elliemae215

Agree with you Thomas11. I am on day 8 and realizing more everyday with a clear mind and a determined path. Thanks for your 2 cents! :>) I will not drink today.

August252015

I agree that your husband (and probably, others) knows. I also think that bottom line....YOU know. So, now what to do about it?

Glad you are on day 8- make it a sober one. I can PROMISE you that your mind will continue to clear and clear and clear the longer you don't drink.

Good luck.

PhoenixJ

I am in my 50's. I have been married 30 years. At first I thought my (now ex) did not know. She did- all along. I am not going 2 B married much longer. I lost everything I held dear because I lied to myself and thus others. The hurt went deep. I pray you do something with the awareness you have., You are blessed your hubby is still around. My wife is not. My fault.
That is life.
Prayers to you and your hubby.

Elliemae215

phoenix, I am sorry about your marriage. We recently hit a rough patch as well. I do believe it was due to a depression that I went through and then binged and blacked out 3 x in 1 week. :<(. I know my husband knows that I have done this to myself in the past. I don't think he knows about the most recent events and injuries that I sustained that week. We got into a huge argument (which is extremely rare) about something I thought was very trivial which spurred in on. We have been through a tremendous amount of stress over the past few years as well, which hasn't helped my binge drinking scenarios either. Part of the reason I am really focused on this and wanting to make this change is to save my marriage because my attitude stinks when I drink and have a bad case of the fk its. It's time to make this change before it's too late. Thank you all for your replies! Choose to have a great sober day!

PhoenixJ

More prayers

HTown

We are glad you are here. I think focusing on if your husband knows or not is beside the point. You know. It is a problem for you. Nothing wrong with telling your husband you feel/think you have a problem with alcohol and you want to work on it. I would encourage you to grab sobriety, to take this opportunity to change your life in a fantastic way for the better, and be the best EllieMae you can be going forward.

The course you are on now is, to be frank, a spiral downward. Time to put on the brakes. Get help. Post often. Read as much as you can. Have you considered face to face councilling or some time of program?

Elliemae215

Day 9 for me. Htown, I have been to counseling in the past for this amongst other things. I did try to find someone to talk to prior to leaving for our 2nd home from a friend who is a psychologist, but she didn't respond. WHen I get back home, I will look for myself. I have been using acupuncture as well for an injury to my neck a year ago, and think this also helps things to circulate properly in the body. I will talk to my husband and have talked to him, he knows I am not drinking now and I think he is relieved. It's not just about him, its just about hiding this and being honest with not only myself but everyone else. It's my dirty little secret and it's been that way for a long time. I'm ashamed of this part of me and I want to hide it. I know that I have to get over that and it's essential to recovery. It's going to take some time, that's all. But I will get there! Thank you everyone for all of your advice! It really helps! Choose to have a Sober day!