Day1ncounting

Hi All,

First off I would like to thank all who contribute, I have been trawling this site for over a year and have finally plucked up the courage to post.

My situation is not much different to most, however I do struggle with one point in particular which I would like to discuss.

I have been drunk too many times to even comprehend. I'm now 31 and started when I was around 17. I had always enjoyed myself and had a good time until a few years ago when it started to change. The blackouts and erratic behaviour started. I have been in situations where I have acted in a way that completely does not reflect my normal behaviour. Don't really want to go into any detail, but I'm sure most could relate.

What follows is an insane amount of anxiety and worry about who what when in the missing hours. I sometimes heard what foolish things I did, but most of the time not. I have managed to stop completely for a few weeks a couple times now only to dive back in when the worry becomes too much.

I have stopped again and this time want to win. What I would like some advice on is - How can I cope with the worry, about who may be looking for me, the police possibly for something stupid I don't remember doing, someone I started a fight with, the list could go on forever. I worry about that and then of course the things I know I did. Most of the time nothing extreme, more embarrassing than bad with the odd cringe story.

I excel at the rest of what I have been dealt. I have a great job which I would like to keep, a loving family and mostly good friends.

The anxiety however is overwhelming. And I don't want to add anymore but need to deal with the past and stop worrying about what I can't change. I totally fear having done such bad things that il end up in jail for it - just a matter of time(no proof whatsoever to support this worry), makes me feel insane.

Any advice?

Regards

August252015

Glad you have decided to quit.

I had to just face up to some things I had done, including a crime, and go into resolving them accepting I might not get the outcome I wanted (a cleared record, which I did ultimately get thanks To my persistence with the city govt and a couple people in the system who were willing to help). I am in AA so turning things over spiritually- and not taking them back from my HP (God).

One thing at a time is my best suggestion, and time takes time so things didn't unfold right away and I had to have patience.

Knowing and facing all my financial and legal stuff was a big step to rigorously honest living now and going forward.

Good luck.

HelenofTroy

Welcome Day1. You are right, many of us here have had to deal with our own shameful behaviour. I think that with living a sober life, in time folks will see you for the new sober you and not the cringe-worthy behaviour of your past. As far as any possible legal problems, well either it will catch up to you or it won't. If it doesn't then you can thank the stars for a lucky break. If it does, then being able to show that you have changed your life will possibly help as far as any legal penalties. And if not you will just have to suck it up. One thing is for sure, by giving up drinking you won't continue adding to the dreaded list of "what did I do last night".

If you choose to quit drinking then keep reading and posting here. You'll find lots of help and support.

doggonecarl

The longer you are sober and the further away you get from your last shameful experience, the easier it will get. But it's tough in the beginning. Like any painful thing we alcoholics try to hide from, there comes the time you just have to face it and the discomfort that comes with it.

You can't change the past. But you arent' doomed to repeat it.

Day1ncounting

Thank you all for the prompt responses, it is more appreciated than you know.

I have promised myself so many times it won't happen again and for some reason it does. I can't explain it. My family don't get it, their opinion is if it's poison why keep poisoning yourself. I see the logic very easily but the temptation has just been too strong.

Cringe worthy moments would be imagining that I tried to sleep with a friends wife or acquaintance and it's just a matter of time before I'm found out. Or maybe having been involved in a car accident and driving away etc.. those are the sort of worries that are unfounded yet so very real.

This time has to be different. I cannot do it again.

HelenofTroy

One technique that has really helped me that I learned here is playing the tape forward. When you find yourself wanting a drink let your mind wander forward to the logical (and face it - inevitable) conclusion; the additional drinks (because it never stops at one), the embarrassing behaviour, the blackouts, the hangovers, the shame, etc. etc. Once I have done this I find I have a much stronger resolve not to drink.

Ariesagain

The part of your brain that controls your most basic survival has been messed up biochemically and now it seeks the most direct route to "reward"...alcohol. Your neurotransmitters for positive feelings will take time to heal and re-learn old healthy pathways, but it really helps me to understand this is a biochemical issue, not just an intellectual and emotional one. You drink because your animal brain is addicted and it has overriden your intellect.

Maybe do some research on the biochemistry of alcohol ingestion? It's quite likely that your paranoid and shame feelings are being caused by your drinking--it certainly won't help,

You can do this.

MLD51

Day1 - your family doesn't get it because they are probably "normal" drinkers. People who can take it or leave it. People like us, alcoholics, problem drinkers, what ever you care to call it, do not have the same relationship with alcohol. Once we become addicted, we don't have control over when or how much we drink, or what we do while drinking.

As for the shame - It's very tough in the beginning. But the only way to get past it is to go through it, feel it, deal with whatever you can from the past, and STAY SOBER so you don't add to the list. You fear things that might not even have happened - that's anxiety that may very well be caused by the biochemical effects of the alcohol itself. My generalized anxiety really settled down after I had been sober a while, and my brain started to normalize. It's pretty common for us to feel tons of anxiety while drinking. It should get better with sober time. If it doesn't, go see a therapist - he/she should be able to help with it.

PhoenixJ

Welcome and prayers. Shame is natural. The trick is using that emotion/feeling/thought to become more positive. To not accept those feelings as natural or necessary. To work through them and just accept they are there. They come regardless- feelings, no point denying that. Doing something with them. To make informed choices- not just freezing in horror at what 'what if's'. Took me ages even to get to that little piece of obvious wisdom.

doggonecarl

Quit trying to explain it. Just quit drinking. That's the solution.

And I'll tell you something that shame isn't. Shame isn't a good recovery tool. It won't keep you sober. So find a plan that will support your decision to quit drinking.

MLD51

Shame is NOT a good recovery tool. It does you no real good. It will hold you back. Try to move past it. It will take time. Took me time. Still pops up from time to time. But I deal with it in the moment. If I can do something about it (like apologize to someone for something I did in the past) I do it. Otherwise I tell myself it's in the past, I won't repeat it, and I'm living a much better life now.

leviathan

Like dgcarl said, sober distance from your misbehavior will help. First, your brain chemistry will normalize, ridding you of some of the anxious paranoia. Then, your dedication and work towards solid recovery will be your redemption, as you will then have done the right thing. When you arrive at the point where you can help others, all the better.

BD84

Make a plan to stop drinking and stop.

courage2

Focusing on worry about your past behavior won't get you anywhere. Either consequences of the past will pop up or won't, but you can't control that, you can only control how you respond.

I suggest -- to take your mind off worry AND control how you respond to future situations-- *immerse* yourself in recovery activities. Readings, posting, meetings, spiritual or religious practice are some things that help people get sober.

Make that your full time obsession for a good while. I think it will help you put your anxieties into perspective.

kel08

I could have written this, and there is a reason this thread has had a heap of views so quickly. We have all done it, we have all felt it. And for me its THE worst part of it all. Waking up with a feeling that in indescribable, but its fear, panic, worry, anxiety...feeling sick to the pit of your stomach over what you did or may have done. When I blacked out, which was becoming every single time I drank, it would be worse and last days and days, because I just couldn't remember and so jumped to the worst case scenario.

As time goes on it will get better, I had 22 days until I had a lapse 2 days ago, which was my fault at not being vigilant in my journey. I had got over confident perhaps, anyway, before that I found the shame and guilt had left my mind day to day and I felt liberated. only to have ended up right back there again yesterday and all I wanted was the ground to open up and swallow me up. Today, I feel somewhat better, I'm not really able to give advice, but just to say that how you feel is normal, the anxiety will come up with all kinds of crazy scenarios, when this happens try and distract yourself with an activity or phone someone for a chat, you cant punish yourself over and over, it will only make you feel even worse. whats done is done, and although it feels raw now, it will fade with each day you complete sober. Wish you so much luck on your journey

thomas11

Its pretty normal to be looking over your shoulder for awhile because of fear of the unknown. The reality is that you are probably more concerned about it than anyone else. You need to put some distance between your last drunken episode and sobriety. As the distance becomes greater, you will calm down and should feel more confident and experience less worry.

Day1ncounting

Good Day all,

It seems that a lot can understandably relate.

The idea of making a plan to stop and doing it makes sense, and I know it's possible since I have done it before. Perhaps the confidence that slowly starts coming back each time made me think it was okay to try again. I must make a list of things that follows after and if I feel like I can handle it, read that list and know that I can't.

A lot of the issues for most of us that battle with this anxiety I think, is that we have such high expectations of ourselves and actually live a well thought out, professional life when not on a bender and the results of not behaving as required destroys us. Perhaps a fair amount of OCD?

Wanting clarification of what may have happened is probably my biggest mistake as I have made an ass of myself countless times asking friends about my behaviour.

Can't change the past. Wish I could. Future can only be better.

I had been eventually convincing myself this is not an issue. As everyone drinks and forgets sometimes.. this is a lie I have told myself. No more.

kel08

great to see you back on here today and with a little more perspective to the situation! Also great to hear you thinking so clearly. I think you are right, a lot of us have this awful knawing anxiety, whether its caused by the drinking, or was always there in the first place and we numbed it, I'm unsure of. But seems a huge coincidence, we all have this common issue. We are all also smart, and its frustrating knowing what we are doing is destroying us and our loved ones, and we know we shouldn't be doing it, we do know better, but yet we do it anyway when the AV rears up and makes its case as to why this time will be ok, and we let ourselves down over and over. The self loathing after failure is very very real, but does fade with each day completed sober. As I said, great to see you back on here again, posting here will help you immensely. Hope you have a wonderful day!

ABetterWay1

The past is the past, and the only thing you can do about it now is be accountable for your actions. I learned that the hard way, because immediately after I started recovery, there were certain people who had no shortage of opinions about what I did (or didn't do) while in active alcoholism. A lot of it really hurt me to hear, but it was also good to hear the truth instead of wondering for the rest of my life.

I'm not sure what to say about the worry of having done things that would send me to jail, because I'm 99% sure that didn't happen.

At any rate, I can relate to much of what you've said and assure you that it does get better with time.

ABW1

Day1ncounting

Kel08,

Thanks for your responses. I know the feeling of going dry for a few weeks and jumping back on. Just worsens an already bad situation. It really is a battle we have to fight and if I can find a way to forgive myself and laugh off the embarrassment I'm going to conquer it finally. We can only try again I guess.

ABW,

The fact other people can relate to my concern actually does make me feel somewhat normal and more capable. I certainly have no evidence that I had ever done something so wrong that I'd end up in jail, it's the concern of not remembering where absolutely anything is possible. Unlikely perhaps but can of course never be ruled out. As I don't remember. I'm glad it does improve with time and I can't weight to have some of this weight lifted off my shoulders. I could be so more productive without all this in my head.

-

I suppose being grateful that I'm not in hospital or jail is a good start. Hoping that people will forget the old drunk me as time goes by. A sober story is boring for gossipers in the end I guess.