Dealing with the Shame
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Join Date: Nov 2018
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Originally Posted by Day1ncounting 
My dad said to me the day before he passed away last year that he too, had spent his entire life worrying, and I need to try see the good in life as all the worry did was take away his chance to be happy, and it was all a complete waste of time.
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Join Date: Feb 2017
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A huge congrats Day1ncounting! The advice your dad gave you is excellent. I’m a worry wart myself. Every time I start to feel it’s getting out of control, I make an appointment with my therapist. These visit are few and far between now since being consistently sober, I’m much better at handling everything that comes my way
Btw, I felt a lot like you around six months. I’m now over 2-1/2 years sober. Life has thrown some curve balls at me and I’ve had some difficult moments. But I won’t be going back to drinking
Btw, I felt a lot like you around six months. I’m now over 2-1/2 years sober. Life has thrown some curve balls at me and I’ve had some difficult moments. But I won’t be going back to drinking
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Join Date: Sep 2019
Posts: 20
Hey there!i am also 31 and also started drinking at 17! Wow!
haha. I got sober 81 days ago. So I’m still pretty new to sobriety!
I completely relate to the shame. I felt sort of blown away by my own stupidity. I was in feeling intense shame for the first few weeks. Every meeting I attended, i wept the whole time because I just felt so pathetic and ashamed of myself for what I’d become.
Sometimea I would see people, maybe the door guy at a bar or the bartender, and they’d say hi to me and know me by name, and I’d have absolutely no idea who they were. I’d find out that I did some ridiculously embarrassing ****. I faked like I thought it was funny but I didn’t. It felt disgusting. My hangovers were turning into these, like existential crises. I was miserable.
but let me tell you! The shame goes away! And even though I may still have some general anxiety, I don’t have any anxiety about bad outcomes from drinking anymore. I don’t have to worry about blacking out, losing control of myself, and doing things I deeply regret. I feel like a huge burden has been lifted from my shoulders knowing I can conduct myself the way I want to, and be who I want to be, when I am around people. What a relief.
I really like the comment - we aren’t doomed to repeat the past. So true. At least know that you don’t have to worry about doing these things anymore. And soon your shame will be replaced with positive emotions. Keep at it 😃
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Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: Arizona, USA
Posts: 1,598
Sooooooooooooooooo many blackouts. So much shame. So many nights I still don’t know what I did. For me the only way to move past the shame is to work on my sobriety. To this day I’ll see or hear something that will remind me of something mortifying I did. If I were to continue drinking that means I condone it and it defines me. If I stop, I put that person and behavior to rest. Nice to have you here by the way. Welcome!
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Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
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I was sabotaging myself with regret & remorse - until I acknowledged that the drunk me wasn't the real me at all. She was a confrontational, impatient, over-reacting fool - I'm none of those things. With sobriety, our authentic selves have a chance to take over.
Adria - you're not a doofus
. It's so good to have you here & sharing your thoughts.
Adria - you're not a doofus
. It's so good to have you here & sharing your thoughts.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 33
Thank you all for the replies.
Just received a promotion at work, which I know I would never have got if I was still drinking.
I thought I would actually be far happier than I was, and I think the reason why is that I couldn't celebrate an achievement like this as I did before. Felt like I was missing out. Luckily I have trained myself for this and laughed it off by playing the tape forward. Scary though as I saw again just how easy it would be to 'reward' myself with a few beers. Sigh. Flipside was I woke up sober and fresh with no regret and I won't trade that for the buzz of a few drinks again.
I am struggling a bit trusting my girlfriend when she drinks, as she seems to forget how important sobriety is to me when she does. Never to a a point where she pressures me to drink etc but I don't like being around people who have been drinking at all anymore. She also behaves in a way that any normal person would after a few drinks. Doesn't mind being chatted up for the attention etc. This hurts me and she is remorseful after, but I am just scared every time I drink I will have to understand and it won't happen again etc. So kinda stuck there. Not sure if its a trust issue, or if she is just a normal drinker and that makes me jealous. Assume the worst is the way my brain works unfortunately.
Small vent over.
Have a great day folks and once again thank you for all of the support.
Just received a promotion at work, which I know I would never have got if I was still drinking.
I thought I would actually be far happier than I was, and I think the reason why is that I couldn't celebrate an achievement like this as I did before. Felt like I was missing out. Luckily I have trained myself for this and laughed it off by playing the tape forward. Scary though as I saw again just how easy it would be to 'reward' myself with a few beers. Sigh. Flipside was I woke up sober and fresh with no regret and I won't trade that for the buzz of a few drinks again.
I am struggling a bit trusting my girlfriend when she drinks, as she seems to forget how important sobriety is to me when she does. Never to a a point where she pressures me to drink etc but I don't like being around people who have been drinking at all anymore. She also behaves in a way that any normal person would after a few drinks. Doesn't mind being chatted up for the attention etc. This hurts me and she is remorseful after, but I am just scared every time I drink I will have to understand and it won't happen again etc. So kinda stuck there. Not sure if its a trust issue, or if she is just a normal drinker and that makes me jealous. Assume the worst is the way my brain works unfortunately.
Small vent over.
Have a great day folks and once again thank you for all of the support.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 33
Hello All,
382 days sober today. I am proud, and I am not toying with the idea of “one or two won’t hurt” anymore, so I am also very grateful.
One thing I am really struggling with still is the unknown. Somehow have convinced myself that I did something very wrong on a binge and that I will be found out and punished accordingly eventually.. for what, I have no idea. Hopefully this passes.. I am
working with a psychologist and although she is helping for day to day, I am slowly realising the past cannot be changed, and I can just hope that my dark days don’t come back to take away this new found enjoyment I am getting out of life on the good days.
No more added shame for over a year is priceless and I owe a lot of that small success to this website.
Happy Easter all.
382 days sober today. I am proud, and I am not toying with the idea of “one or two won’t hurt” anymore, so I am also very grateful.
One thing I am really struggling with still is the unknown. Somehow have convinced myself that I did something very wrong on a binge and that I will be found out and punished accordingly eventually.. for what, I have no idea. Hopefully this passes.. I am
working with a psychologist and although she is helping for day to day, I am slowly realising the past cannot be changed, and I can just hope that my dark days don’t come back to take away this new found enjoyment I am getting out of life on the good days.
No more added shame for over a year is priceless and I owe a lot of that small success to this website.
Happy Easter all.
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Join Date: Apr 2020
Posts: 286
Day1, Congratulations on your journey and how far you've come! I have been reading this whole thread for the past hour or so and it has just been so real. I'm 39hrs now and reading all the ups and downs from you and everyone else here...it really is about what you do when you fall. I hope in a year I can also post here, celebrating it with you all. Thank you for sharing.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 33
Hello Orchid,
I am glad reading this thread has in some small way helped you. It’s handy for me to read back and remember how strong the feeling of doom was.
I don’t miss alcohol anymore though. I don’t crave a beer when out with friends. And that’s what I wanted. Saying that - I have a fairly different group of friends now.
I guess what I’m saying is - the want to drink is gone, for now at least, and I must just deal with the fact that I am probably just an anxious person.
I wish you the best of luck.. the first few weeks(on about the 10th try) were really really rough for me but probably necessary as it’s probably what’s kept me away. Someone very early on in this thread told me about playing the tape forward. It works.
Regards
I am glad reading this thread has in some small way helped you. It’s handy for me to read back and remember how strong the feeling of doom was.
I don’t miss alcohol anymore though. I don’t crave a beer when out with friends. And that’s what I wanted. Saying that - I have a fairly different group of friends now.
I guess what I’m saying is - the want to drink is gone, for now at least, and I must just deal with the fact that I am probably just an anxious person.
I wish you the best of luck.. the first few weeks(on about the 10th try) were really really rough for me but probably necessary as it’s probably what’s kept me away. Someone very early on in this thread told me about playing the tape forward. It works.
Regards
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Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 73
Day1 Congrats on 382. I just read your whole thread man can I relate. Im only 12 days but man I couldn't stand the "other" me anymore. Im like jeckyl and hyde when I drink. I become this verbally abusive monster and when with the guys I can get violent with whoever looks at us wrong. I cringe when I write that. The black-outs the paranoia I totally get it.
I had an ******* drunk buddy I used to fish with few years back. He has a high level job an I make a great living myself. Put us together and we are like redneck gutter rats. But the problem he wanted to start fighting me when drunk and he is a very small guy. My last fishing trip with him we decided the weather was **** and lets hit the bar..at 730am. Fast foreward to 12am and a different bar and we are wasted. I remember my buddy spitting on the female bartender because she cut us off. She said she was calling her husband and we are in a small mountain town in the west.
I remember we had words outside which way the hotel was - he went one way I went the other. After getting lost the cops roll up on me. They know my name etc. They cuff me go up an down me with a blood light photo my knuckles which didn't have a scratch. They keep insiting I beat the crap out of my buddy. I was Stunned. Long story short they let me go brought me back to the hotel where my buddy was waiting. My buddy said 2 guys jumped him which was very possible for his behaviour in the bar. He had a cracked cheek bone missing teeth black eye. That was my last trip with him because it was always fights and trouble.
One year later Im in the same bar one night after fishing completeley hammered. Im chatting with a husband and wife at the bar and she goes I know you. I was the bartender your buddy was spitting on and he went to slap me and you punched him off his stool and beat the **** out of him. Her husband paid my bar bill and thanked me profusely. I laughed it off with them but inside I felt like a monster.
I couldn't even remember doing it to this day. I know sober my deal would be to walk away and not fish with the dude anymore. Lucky he was hammered or I would been in a shitload of trouble. The next day GOD DID I FEEL HORRIBLE...but not horrible enough to quit. Fast foreward 3 years and a bunch more incedences and hit finally hit me. Your going to end up in jail for something stupid you wont even remember.
At the begining - 12 days - but man did this thread hit home on the shame. I used to laugh it off. Can't remember didn't happen right? WRONG. I never really had anxiety but man do I have it now. Man this thread hit home.
I had an ******* drunk buddy I used to fish with few years back. He has a high level job an I make a great living myself. Put us together and we are like redneck gutter rats. But the problem he wanted to start fighting me when drunk and he is a very small guy. My last fishing trip with him we decided the weather was **** and lets hit the bar..at 730am. Fast foreward to 12am and a different bar and we are wasted. I remember my buddy spitting on the female bartender because she cut us off. She said she was calling her husband and we are in a small mountain town in the west.
I remember we had words outside which way the hotel was - he went one way I went the other. After getting lost the cops roll up on me. They know my name etc. They cuff me go up an down me with a blood light photo my knuckles which didn't have a scratch. They keep insiting I beat the crap out of my buddy. I was Stunned. Long story short they let me go brought me back to the hotel where my buddy was waiting. My buddy said 2 guys jumped him which was very possible for his behaviour in the bar. He had a cracked cheek bone missing teeth black eye. That was my last trip with him because it was always fights and trouble.
One year later Im in the same bar one night after fishing completeley hammered. Im chatting with a husband and wife at the bar and she goes I know you. I was the bartender your buddy was spitting on and he went to slap me and you punched him off his stool and beat the **** out of him. Her husband paid my bar bill and thanked me profusely. I laughed it off with them but inside I felt like a monster.
I couldn't even remember doing it to this day. I know sober my deal would be to walk away and not fish with the dude anymore. Lucky he was hammered or I would been in a shitload of trouble. The next day GOD DID I FEEL HORRIBLE...but not horrible enough to quit. Fast foreward 3 years and a bunch more incedences and hit finally hit me. Your going to end up in jail for something stupid you wont even remember.
At the begining - 12 days - but man did this thread hit home on the shame. I used to laugh it off. Can't remember didn't happen right? WRONG. I never really had anxiety but man do I have it now. Man this thread hit home.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 33
Update.
Just re-read this entire thread and thought it would be wiser to just reply to this post as it may possibly give others hope seeing where I was and where I am today. Today is 2 whole years without a drop of alcohol for me. It is a good day.
I won't make it a long post, but after the year we have all had, I can say for certain that had I still looked at 'a couple beers' to feel better about life, I probably wouldn't be here today, whether that be literal or not, I will never know, and I am extremely grateful for that.
From my experience thus far, I can only say it does get better. I still have issues relating to anxieties of previous events, and although I know these will likely never go away forever, at least, for the most part, I can get over the shame of it all by carrying on living a cleaner life, and knowing that whatever I may have done whilst intoxicated, it was never a true version of myself and in some way, that brings me the peace I need in that moment.
One thing I have often noted to myself over the past two years is that from reading the majority of threads on this website and elsewhere, we are all actually pretty level headed and intelligent people looking for information as to how we all got here! In the beginning I actually thought I was the odd one out and don't actually have a real problem at all and even as far as possibly looking for re-assurance that I, in-fact do not belong here. I was very wrong and as time went on I starting to learn of the lies I had been telling myself and eventually started figuring out the way out of this hole I had found myself in.
The first year was tough for me.
I was constantly paranoid about what my now wife(YAY!) was doing behind my back when out drinking with friends. I knew alcohol was the devil and nobody can be trusted around it. I slowly started understanding that it was in fact me, who couldn't trust myself around alcohol and I am so grateful she stuck it out with me and let me slowly start accepting what was in my head was not reality. Fast forward to today - it doesn't bother me at all if she is out, as I have developed a trust in her that I could never have done if I was still drinking. This is a big move forward for me.
I constantly thought I was missing out. I dreaded going anywhere where there may actually be someone drinking. For the first 6 months or so I didn't go out for lunches or similar where I knew it would be difficult for me.I was paranoid about a lot of things in general. As the months went on I was convinced I would never really be 'healed' from the damage I had done.
The second year things started improving. What I hadn't actually noticed at the time was how much better the previous year was when compared to the decade prior to it! I should have been more grateful.
Anyway, below is what I have found to have helped me so far. By no means is it advice that I recommend but it IS what has been super useful for me.
1. I know that I will never be cured but I do believe if I stick to what has been working, I will never feel like I did and each day will be a bit better. One thing that I can say is that the last two years have flown by. I was always so immensely envious of those posting that they are 3 months, 1 year and 2 years sober etc. I never thought I could do it. Fun fact - it happens quickly. Sometimes the days are long but the months fly by. It's quite strange. SO - there is light at the end of the tunnel. No matter how dim it may be now.
2. Playing the tape forward. In the early months, and still today, the best advice got was if that if I felt like a drink, fast forward to what that one drink will likely result in tomorrow. this was a MASSIVE deterrent and it worked.
3. I got a sober app - and every few days and far less so today, I would look and feel proud that I was winning this time.
4. This website. Goes without saying. I log in less now, but still at least once a week. The advice and help cannot be measured.
5. See a therapist. If you're anything like myself, I needed this. I have generalised anxiety disorder and I was drinking to make this less pronounced. I don't take medication and I hope I won't need to. I am managing it now that I know what it is.
6. Sun and exercise. No matter how terrible I felt, I found that some time in the sun and going for a long walk did wonders. And still does today.
The biggest reality is that I am going to live once. I understand that now. I am grateful that I have life. I can go eat with friends and when things get rowdy, I just leave. IT WAS ALWAYS THAT SIMPLE. Drunk people are annoying.
Lastly - I know that I am not out of the woods. I still have bad days where that horrible voice pops up and will likely have them forever. So I am not in any way preaching and saying I am saved. I am however in a much much better place to laugh those thoughts off and carry on living without further regret.
I would like to thank all of those that have helped me and told stories on this thread. You have no idea how much I appreciate it.
I hope this post helps someone.
Just re-read this entire thread and thought it would be wiser to just reply to this post as it may possibly give others hope seeing where I was and where I am today. Today is 2 whole years without a drop of alcohol for me. It is a good day.
I won't make it a long post, but after the year we have all had, I can say for certain that had I still looked at 'a couple beers' to feel better about life, I probably wouldn't be here today, whether that be literal or not, I will never know, and I am extremely grateful for that.
From my experience thus far, I can only say it does get better. I still have issues relating to anxieties of previous events, and although I know these will likely never go away forever, at least, for the most part, I can get over the shame of it all by carrying on living a cleaner life, and knowing that whatever I may have done whilst intoxicated, it was never a true version of myself and in some way, that brings me the peace I need in that moment.
One thing I have often noted to myself over the past two years is that from reading the majority of threads on this website and elsewhere, we are all actually pretty level headed and intelligent people looking for information as to how we all got here! In the beginning I actually thought I was the odd one out and don't actually have a real problem at all and even as far as possibly looking for re-assurance that I, in-fact do not belong here. I was very wrong and as time went on I starting to learn of the lies I had been telling myself and eventually started figuring out the way out of this hole I had found myself in.
The first year was tough for me.
I was constantly paranoid about what my now wife(YAY!) was doing behind my back when out drinking with friends. I knew alcohol was the devil and nobody can be trusted around it. I slowly started understanding that it was in fact me, who couldn't trust myself around alcohol and I am so grateful she stuck it out with me and let me slowly start accepting what was in my head was not reality. Fast forward to today - it doesn't bother me at all if she is out, as I have developed a trust in her that I could never have done if I was still drinking. This is a big move forward for me.
I constantly thought I was missing out. I dreaded going anywhere where there may actually be someone drinking. For the first 6 months or so I didn't go out for lunches or similar where I knew it would be difficult for me.I was paranoid about a lot of things in general. As the months went on I was convinced I would never really be 'healed' from the damage I had done.
The second year things started improving. What I hadn't actually noticed at the time was how much better the previous year was when compared to the decade prior to it! I should have been more grateful.
Anyway, below is what I have found to have helped me so far. By no means is it advice that I recommend but it IS what has been super useful for me.
1. I know that I will never be cured but I do believe if I stick to what has been working, I will never feel like I did and each day will be a bit better. One thing that I can say is that the last two years have flown by. I was always so immensely envious of those posting that they are 3 months, 1 year and 2 years sober etc. I never thought I could do it. Fun fact - it happens quickly. Sometimes the days are long but the months fly by. It's quite strange. SO - there is light at the end of the tunnel. No matter how dim it may be now.
2. Playing the tape forward. In the early months, and still today, the best advice got was if that if I felt like a drink, fast forward to what that one drink will likely result in tomorrow. this was a MASSIVE deterrent and it worked.
3. I got a sober app - and every few days and far less so today, I would look and feel proud that I was winning this time.
4. This website. Goes without saying. I log in less now, but still at least once a week. The advice and help cannot be measured.
5. See a therapist. If you're anything like myself, I needed this. I have generalised anxiety disorder and I was drinking to make this less pronounced. I don't take medication and I hope I won't need to. I am managing it now that I know what it is.
6. Sun and exercise. No matter how terrible I felt, I found that some time in the sun and going for a long walk did wonders. And still does today.
The biggest reality is that I am going to live once. I understand that now. I am grateful that I have life. I can go eat with friends and when things get rowdy, I just leave. IT WAS ALWAYS THAT SIMPLE. Drunk people are annoying.
Lastly - I know that I am not out of the woods. I still have bad days where that horrible voice pops up and will likely have them forever. So I am not in any way preaching and saying I am saved. I am however in a much much better place to laugh those thoughts off and carry on living without further regret.
I would like to thank all of those that have helped me and told stories on this thread. You have no idea how much I appreciate it.
I hope this post helps someone.
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