Dealing with the Shame
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 46
Originally Posted by Day1ncounting 
Hi All,
First off I would like to thank all who contribute, I have been trawling this site for over a year and have finally plucked up the courage to post.
My situation is not much different to most, however I do struggle with one point in particular which I would like to discuss.
I have been drunk too many times to even comprehend. I'm now 31 and started when I was around 17. I had always enjoyed myself and had a good time until a few years ago when it started to change. The blackouts and erratic behaviour started. I have been in situations where I have acted in a way that completely does not reflect my normal behaviour. Don't really want to go into any detail, but I'm sure most could relate.
What follows is an insane amount of anxiety and worry about who what when in the missing hours. I sometimes heard what foolish things I did, but most of the time not. I have managed to stop completely for a few weeks a couple times now only to dive back in when the worry becomes too much.
I have stopped again and this time want to win. What I would like some advice on is - How can I cope with the worry, about who may be looking for me, the police possibly for something stupid I don't remember doing, someone I started a fight with, the list could go on forever. I worry about that and then of course the things I know I did. Most of the time nothing extreme, more embarrassing than bad with the odd cringe story.
I excel at the rest of what I have been dealt. I have a great job which I would like to keep, a loving family and mostly good friends.
The anxiety however is overwhelming. And I don't want to add anymore but need to deal with the past and stop worrying about what I can't change. I totally fear having done such bad things that il end up in jail for it - just a matter of time(no proof whatsoever to support this worry), makes me feel insane.
Any advice?
Regards
First off I would like to thank all who contribute, I have been trawling this site for over a year and have finally plucked up the courage to post.
My situation is not much different to most, however I do struggle with one point in particular which I would like to discuss.
I have been drunk too many times to even comprehend. I'm now 31 and started when I was around 17. I had always enjoyed myself and had a good time until a few years ago when it started to change. The blackouts and erratic behaviour started. I have been in situations where I have acted in a way that completely does not reflect my normal behaviour. Don't really want to go into any detail, but I'm sure most could relate.
What follows is an insane amount of anxiety and worry about who what when in the missing hours. I sometimes heard what foolish things I did, but most of the time not. I have managed to stop completely for a few weeks a couple times now only to dive back in when the worry becomes too much.
I have stopped again and this time want to win. What I would like some advice on is - How can I cope with the worry, about who may be looking for me, the police possibly for something stupid I don't remember doing, someone I started a fight with, the list could go on forever. I worry about that and then of course the things I know I did. Most of the time nothing extreme, more embarrassing than bad with the odd cringe story.
I excel at the rest of what I have been dealt. I have a great job which I would like to keep, a loving family and mostly good friends.
The anxiety however is overwhelming. And I don't want to add anymore but need to deal with the past and stop worrying about what I can't change. I totally fear having done such bad things that il end up in jail for it - just a matter of time(no proof whatsoever to support this worry), makes me feel insane.
Any advice?
Regards
you also have to realize if youre on thin ice when it comes to your behavior, and whether or not youre one drunken night away from being in prison, losing a job etc, if youre that close then you have some real evaluation to do (you sound like you may be close to those things) if a person wants to ride on "im really a good person and in end i wont do anything stupid even if im drunk" or "Im just tripping ill stop its not a big deal even tho im drunk" then thats their gamble to play, but i can tell you this, being drunk makes everyone different and their playing with fire (I have many times, because i was foolish and still am at times), when or if the bad thing happens, the cops arent gonna care that a person was drunk. But once you find out the real reason youre drinking it will be helpful. I was a very delusional person who didn't take accountability for my actions over the years, i was a boy.
As ive gotten older ive learned to be true to myself and find out why exactly i drink and what helps me stop. You may need counseling. I found out that i had and still have self esteem issues, didn't know it at all until years later, but i guess thats just the way the cookie crumbles. I wish you luck in your fight to stop drinking, and for your health.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 33
Originally Posted by TheBatman
In my own opinion i think you need to figure out why exactly you're drinking. Everyone has his or her own reason for doing it. You should also evaluate your life situation and see how or if drinking is holding you back (financially, career wise, family wise) and how it may be holding you back mentally (being mean, not saying the things to loved ones you would have before you started drinking, displaying criminal behaviors that you know itsnt you when youre sober, lack of empathy etc)
you also have to realize if youre on thin ice when it comes to your behavior, and whether or not youre one drunken night away from being in prison, losing a job etc, if youre that close then you have some real evaluation to do (you sound like you may be close to those things) if a person wants to ride on "im really a good person and in end i wont do anything stupid even if im drunk" or "Im just tripping ill stop its not a big deal even tho im drunk" then thats their gamble to play, but i can tell you this, being drunk makes everyone different and their playing with fire (I have many times, because i was foolish and still am at times), when or if the bad thing happens, the cops arent gonna care that a person was drunk. But once you find out the real reason youre drinking it will be helpful. I was a very delusional person who didn't take accountability for my actions over the years, i was a boy.
As ive gotten older ive learned to be true to myself and find out why exactly i drink and what helps me stop. You may need counseling. I found out that i had and still have self esteem issues, didn't know it at all until years later, but i guess thats just the way the cookie crumbles. I wish you luck in your fight to stop drinking, and for your health.
Hi TheBatman,
I hear what you are saying and I understand. I have no proof that anything I may have done under the influence warrants any real fear that something criminal may have happened. It's the fear that it MAY have happened without me having any evidence which is disabling. I am aware that it must not continue, it's moving forward not letting the unknown haunt me. I know asking someone to please tell me nothing happened on the internet isn't possible. But it's debilitating.
I have been to a therapist before who mentioned it was clear I had low self esteem and confidence issues. I knew this already so never went back. Probably worth venturing down that avenue again.
Is what it is I guess.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Lakeside, Ca
Posts: 10,208
The wreckage of my past was horrendous. If we stay sober, most all will improve in time. I know that it can be rough for I was torn up mentally, physically, spiritually and was in trouble with my wife, family, neighbors, church and the judge.
Keep doing the right things
it's simple
it's about what we do or don't do today.
Stay sober with us and watch your life improve.
M-Bob
Keep doing the right things
it's simple
it's about what we do or don't do today.
Stay sober with us and watch your life improve.
M-Bob
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 3,550
Day1Counting: Could it be that what you're really suffering is your AV trying to get you to pick up again? Putting you under all this stress and worry about what you "might" have done in the past? Hang in there! Don't fall for it! Picking up and starting again will only make it worse. Bring about the very things you fear. Chances are that if you leave the past alone things will be O.K. if you just don't pick up. Don't look backward. The past is past. Brooding about that and beating yourself up over "shame" is toxic. You are trying to get well from an illness. Deal with it that way. Your doctor, your counselor, AA or if that doesn't work for you something else which would give you the support of other persons in recovery. Smart Recovery, if available in your area. Exercise. Just don't hang out with the drinkers or druggies. They'll try to get you to pick up. "Having one won't matter!" Yes, it will. It will matter a lot! Good luck!
Bill
Bill
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 3,550
P.S. Why not look at it this way: "A Plan": Live each day as it comes. One day at a time. The passage of each day distances you a bit from the past. It takes patience but as this distance increases it becomes increasingly unlikely that you did anything criminal or which would lead to further "shame", "embarrassment", etc. Above all, do not pick up the first drink. Remember that your AV is handing you a shovel to dig yourself in deeper and deeper. If you start digging again and pick up a drink all your fears, shame, etc. will eventually come true. Your way is up, not further down. Others have done it. We've all been where you are right now. We can help. Keep posting. Good luck.
Bill
Bill
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 33
All of your responses are truelly helpful.
I'm not quite sure if it is the AV telling me that the only way to overcome the worry is to pick up another one, I only know that it did work, very temporarily. But even the first few hours of a few that I did remember were fantastic. Because I was no longer a nervous wreck. Then comes the next day where it was much easier to pick up another one than to try delve into the nights before worries - and so the trend continued until I did stop completely. Then the world falls to pieces for a few days. Feel better for a while - repeat.
I truelly hope that the past won't be haunting but my plan is to not let it happen again. Day by day and hopefully time will prove that to be the case.
Thanks again.
I'm not quite sure if it is the AV telling me that the only way to overcome the worry is to pick up another one, I only know that it did work, very temporarily. But even the first few hours of a few that I did remember were fantastic. Because I was no longer a nervous wreck. Then comes the next day where it was much easier to pick up another one than to try delve into the nights before worries - and so the trend continued until I did stop completely. Then the world falls to pieces for a few days. Feel better for a while - repeat.
I truelly hope that the past won't be haunting but my plan is to not let it happen again. Day by day and hopefully time will prove that to be the case.
Thanks again.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 33
Originally Posted by Dee74
If you're not sure its the AV what else do you think it might be, D1?
D
D
Member
Join Date: Mar 2015
Location: Florida
Posts: 874
That anxiety about what happened, what I did, what I can't remember, who I might have texted....the stress of piecing together the night before was horrible. Scary, stressful. It's a terrible way to live.
Stop drinking and it'll go away. You've strung together some sober time. Just keep it going. It is so nice to wake up and not have be hung over and have those overwhelming feelings of stress.
Keep that in mind - as you've already heard: think about what'll happen if you have that first drink.
Stop drinking and it'll go away. You've strung together some sober time. Just keep it going. It is so nice to wake up and not have be hung over and have those overwhelming feelings of stress.
Keep that in mind - as you've already heard: think about what'll happen if you have that first drink.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: OZ
Posts: 2,055
I agree with FLCamper, stop drinking and a lot of issues fade away and those issues that stay around you become better mentally emotionally and financially able to deal and cope with.
I read this the other day, it resonated with me.
"Joy is very easy to feel when fear is no longer dominating your soul.
And sadness is fear you've hung onto too long."
I read this the other day, it resonated with me.
"Joy is very easy to feel when fear is no longer dominating your soul.
And sadness is fear you've hung onto too long."
Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: America
Posts: 4,136
I'll just add a few of my own thoughts regarding shame. I believe it can be a huge roadblock to getting help. Rather than come out and ask for help with said problem, the tendency is to want to cover it up at all costs because of shame.
If we want to cover something up so bad, we sure as heck don't want to bring it forward to be addressed. This is true for some with an addiction problem or for someone who is afraid to find out what their true weight is because they are afraid of what will be revealed. They are already ashamed of being so overweight. They know it's a problem. So, what do they do? They try to hide it as much as they can by dressing a certain way; avoiding having their picture taken, never looking at their self naked in the mirror; avoiding dressing rooms to try stuff on.
Avoidance.
But no one is going to get well by avoiding the issues.....
If we want to cover something up so bad, we sure as heck don't want to bring it forward to be addressed. This is true for some with an addiction problem or for someone who is afraid to find out what their true weight is because they are afraid of what will be revealed. They are already ashamed of being so overweight. They know it's a problem. So, what do they do? They try to hide it as much as they can by dressing a certain way; avoiding having their picture taken, never looking at their self naked in the mirror; avoiding dressing rooms to try stuff on.
Avoidance.
But no one is going to get well by avoiding the issues.....
Member
Join Date: Dec 2016
Location: Somewhere
Posts: 130
Day1, for years I thought booze was helping me with my anxiety and only recently worked out that it wasn't, it just let me not think about it for a few hours and then dumped it all back on me timed two with an added helping of shame and guilt. The only way out is to break the cycle.
Within a couple of weeks things which had seemed impossible to me before actually started happening and now nearly two months in I feel better than I have for years.
I wouldn't spend time introspectively raking over the past it never did me any good and just made me more depressed and want to drink more. Maybe at some later stage I will get round to fixing some of the sins of the past but right the most important thing is just to get better, for both of us.
Quit drinking, start feeling better, it will happen.
Within a couple of weeks things which had seemed impossible to me before actually started happening and now nearly two months in I feel better than I have for years.
I wouldn't spend time introspectively raking over the past it never did me any good and just made me more depressed and want to drink more. Maybe at some later stage I will get round to fixing some of the sins of the past but right the most important thing is just to get better, for both of us.
Quit drinking, start feeling better, it will happen.
12 Step Recovered Alcoholic
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 6,613
This is familiar ground to alcoholics of my type. When I went to AA, there were two of the twelves steps that absolutely scared the Cr4p outta me!
I thought I am never going to do that. Own up to the whole sorry picture when I had spent my whole life hiding it? No way, and face people with the truth, not a chance.
Then I read something that shook me up. The AA experience was that holding back on these two steps in particular, almost always lead to relapse. There is just some stuff we can't live with.
Here are the scary steps:
5) Admitted to god, to ourselves, and another human being, the exact nature of our wrongs.
9) Made direct amends to such people (who we had harmed) wherever possible except when to do so would injure them or others.
Well, I didn't want to relapse so I found a way to take these steps. In short the result has been I can look thee world in the eye, and I have no fear of an unexpected tap on the shoulder. In addition I have been able to put that past to use in helping others. All positives. But just sitting, hoping it would blow over - not an option for me.
I thought I am never going to do that. Own up to the whole sorry picture when I had spent my whole life hiding it? No way, and face people with the truth, not a chance.
Then I read something that shook me up. The AA experience was that holding back on these two steps in particular, almost always lead to relapse. There is just some stuff we can't live with.
Here are the scary steps:
5) Admitted to god, to ourselves, and another human being, the exact nature of our wrongs.
9) Made direct amends to such people (who we had harmed) wherever possible except when to do so would injure them or others.
Well, I didn't want to relapse so I found a way to take these steps. In short the result has been I can look thee world in the eye, and I have no fear of an unexpected tap on the shoulder. In addition I have been able to put that past to use in helping others. All positives. But just sitting, hoping it would blow over - not an option for me.
Living the life
Join Date: Sep 2016
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 1,211
Day1 have you joined a class yet? I found so much support and compassion from other folks who were in the same place as I was in my recovery. All you need to do to join is start posting. Here is the thread for the February class.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 33
Hello to everyone,
Again thanks so so much for all the advice and wisdom. I'm so blessed to have people
With similar experiences/feelings to talk to.
I had to attend an event this evening and was dreading it. Not so much for the drinking but how I would handle people in general while they were all drinking. Initially I did not like it at all and although may have come across as calm, I was an anxious wreck on the inside. I managed and although it was not easy, I'm very proud of myself as I get into bed. A situation like this would usually make me believe it will be okay to have a couple next time, I now know this is a lie I've been telling myself in the past. So I won't.
It's going to take a lot of work but I do believe I can shake this and live a clean and healthier existence.. and the fact most of you say with time the anxiety starts disappearing - I simply can't wait for that day.
I believe il always worry about the unknown, and that can never change. But I do hope it will become easier to deal with.
--
Helen,
I have not yet, shall do so tomorrow.
Thank you.
Again thanks so so much for all the advice and wisdom. I'm so blessed to have people
With similar experiences/feelings to talk to.
I had to attend an event this evening and was dreading it. Not so much for the drinking but how I would handle people in general while they were all drinking. Initially I did not like it at all and although may have come across as calm, I was an anxious wreck on the inside. I managed and although it was not easy, I'm very proud of myself as I get into bed. A situation like this would usually make me believe it will be okay to have a couple next time, I now know this is a lie I've been telling myself in the past. So I won't.
It's going to take a lot of work but I do believe I can shake this and live a clean and healthier existence.. and the fact most of you say with time the anxiety starts disappearing - I simply can't wait for that day.
I believe il always worry about the unknown, and that can never change. But I do hope it will become easier to deal with.
--
Helen,
I have not yet, shall do so tomorrow.
Thank you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 33
So tomorrow is one week. And I can feel now why I thought it would be okay to have another one. I'm physically "normal" again but still have that worry and anxiety and nothing would be better than a few beers to shut that voice up and smile without worrying. I know the result of this though. And have never thought this far ahead so hopefully my mind is finally clear that I am now done.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2015
Posts: 60
Day1, this is truly a journey and we all go through our personal journey. The good news is, we can all relate to what you are going through and perhaps even more than family and even spouses or significant others. We get it, we've lived it. Chisel out a time each day to come here and post, blog, reply to others posts too. It all helps. I went to my very first SR meeting on Friday night and plan to go to the one tomorrow night at 9pm Eastern time in the meeting room which you can join through the chat room. It's a great way to understand what you are doing and what others have gone through and great advice from those who have been sober longer. I wished I had done it earlier, because if I had, maybe I wouldn't have gone back to drinking. I am on Day 8. Best of luck to you on your journey!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2017
Posts: 46
I know for me in the past quitting for me was never serious enough to me. I wanted to but it wasnt that bad even getting sent to rehab. This time though I was about to lose it all. I too have a job that i somehow got to keep and a small family that i am now successfully taking care of. Alot of that was facing the incredibly stupid things i had done in addiction. and had to bring my partner in life up to speed on all my secret ways and so now i have no way of hiding. Nor do i want to. I think at one point or another we must get uncomfortable and face these things no matter what.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2017
Location: Toronto, ON
Posts: 140
Originally Posted by HelenofTroy
One technique that has really helped me that I learned here is playing the tape forward. When you find yourself wanting a drink let your mind wander forward to the logical (and face it - inevitable) conclusion; the additional drinks (because it never stops at one), the embarrassing behaviour, the blackouts, the hangovers, the shame, etc. etc. Once I have done this I find I have a much stronger resolve not to drink.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
