How the Bad Voice returned
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Join Date: Feb 2015
Posts: 1,188
How the Bad Voice returned
After more than 4 months sober, I drank beer on two occasions and wine on one. I was in Australia, meeting new people and after being constantly bombarded with 'suggestions of beer' for a week - I cracked and had a beer.
In true form, all of the above 'reasons' are circumstantial - anyone can find an excuse. I had a longer written post in mind, but as I was typing it, it felt too much like parsing words.
By drinking that one final glass of wine (from a great winery no less), I stopped. I didn't crave for another. Now, I don't consider this to be any sort of 'acheivement' as in 'yay, I had one, but I stopped'. It's rather something that I might have gotten away with (but who knows, right?)
On my way back home - and it was a very long and arduous travel - the 'bad voice' returned. I had told myself that my 'momentarily relaxed alcohol policy' ends with Australia, the sun, the people and the constant good mood in a productive environment. But the AV had other plans.
After a 14-hour flight, a 2-hr stopover before my final leg seemed sufficient - little did I know that the arriving flight and the next gate were in the exact opposite ends of a fairly large airport. With heavy gift bags, lack of sleep and the 'usual' discomfort of 14-hours in economy (I've only felt this twice, to be fair) - I heard the AV say 'Everything was okay in Aus, you had a couple, you stopped, went to sleep, you made friends, come on - you still have money left, just have a drink, relax'. At that moment, the AV was very clear, because right then and there - no friends, no laughter, no productive work-environment and no sun-filled general merriment. All of which are known contributors to 'let's have a cold beer'.
This is just a warning. I tried to, in my head, calm myself down in the sense that yes, things didn't go horribly wrong and didn't end in unbearable humiliation. But they easily could have. I knew the risks and I still did it. For a time, I felt like a child who had done something wrong, but is too afraid to admit it.
I must be vigilant in the upcoming days and weeks, though. The 'bad voice' is likely to return again.
All in all - I did make many new friends, got a lot of work done and was truly happy for three weeks in the sun (with or without the beer - alcohol was never central to those things happening, but I'm glad I didn't mess up in a way that the 'outside' world could witness it as well)
In true form, all of the above 'reasons' are circumstantial - anyone can find an excuse. I had a longer written post in mind, but as I was typing it, it felt too much like parsing words.
By drinking that one final glass of wine (from a great winery no less), I stopped. I didn't crave for another. Now, I don't consider this to be any sort of 'acheivement' as in 'yay, I had one, but I stopped'. It's rather something that I might have gotten away with (but who knows, right?)
On my way back home - and it was a very long and arduous travel - the 'bad voice' returned. I had told myself that my 'momentarily relaxed alcohol policy' ends with Australia, the sun, the people and the constant good mood in a productive environment. But the AV had other plans.
After a 14-hour flight, a 2-hr stopover before my final leg seemed sufficient - little did I know that the arriving flight and the next gate were in the exact opposite ends of a fairly large airport. With heavy gift bags, lack of sleep and the 'usual' discomfort of 14-hours in economy (I've only felt this twice, to be fair) - I heard the AV say 'Everything was okay in Aus, you had a couple, you stopped, went to sleep, you made friends, come on - you still have money left, just have a drink, relax'. At that moment, the AV was very clear, because right then and there - no friends, no laughter, no productive work-environment and no sun-filled general merriment. All of which are known contributors to 'let's have a cold beer'.
This is just a warning. I tried to, in my head, calm myself down in the sense that yes, things didn't go horribly wrong and didn't end in unbearable humiliation. But they easily could have. I knew the risks and I still did it. For a time, I felt like a child who had done something wrong, but is too afraid to admit it.
I must be vigilant in the upcoming days and weeks, though. The 'bad voice' is likely to return again.
All in all - I did make many new friends, got a lot of work done and was truly happy for three weeks in the sun (with or without the beer - alcohol was never central to those things happening, but I'm glad I didn't mess up in a way that the 'outside' world could witness it as well)
Giving up is NOT an option.
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Western Wisconsin
Posts: 7,809
A good warning. I have had thoughts now and then about trying to have a couple, when I'm away from home and my normal routine. Reading your story about the airport really hit home, somehow. I could just feel myself in that very situation. Thanks.
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: "I'm not lost for I know where I am. But however, where I am may be lost ..."
Posts: 5,273
Hi kk,
I'm sorry about your recent reversal. You had so much great introspection in your "Tired of alcohol and the feelings it brings" thread, and I see here that you did similar close examination of your experience in Australia. I'm glad that you realize it's likely that the "bad voice" will return, as it can and does do that, sometimes quite unexpectedly. It seems that you already have some grasp of being able to identify and separate from that voice (and forgive me if you're already familiar with this), but I would suggest looking into AVRT as a way to tweak that understanding further in anticipation of the AV's next visit. There are several threads here in the secular connections forum and also a book by Jack Trimpey (Rational Recovery: The New Cure for Substance Addiction) that outlines the technique in detail.
Keep moving forward. You got this
I'm sorry about your recent reversal. You had so much great introspection in your "Tired of alcohol and the feelings it brings" thread, and I see here that you did similar close examination of your experience in Australia. I'm glad that you realize it's likely that the "bad voice" will return, as it can and does do that, sometimes quite unexpectedly. It seems that you already have some grasp of being able to identify and separate from that voice (and forgive me if you're already familiar with this), but I would suggest looking into AVRT as a way to tweak that understanding further in anticipation of the AV's next visit. There are several threads here in the secular connections forum and also a book by Jack Trimpey (Rational Recovery: The New Cure for Substance Addiction) that outlines the technique in detail.
Keep moving forward. You got this
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2015
Posts: 1,188
It's been almost a month now from that drink in Australia, I realised today. As the normalcy of being under constant pressure from school/work/now even 'doing science' returned and the, let's say, 'enabling conditions' disappeared - I haven't thought about drinking at all.
Actually, again, this has multiple paths of interpretation. The somewhat obvious one would be a yippe-ka-yee type 'See, drinking didn't get me!', which is not the current case. I've reflected on it today and there was a story snippet in the newspaper by a psychiatrist who asserted that 'the mental health of men who drink a six-pack a day is in serious danger', followed by the statistics that about 92% of people with alcohol issues never get treatment or, even worse, aren't able or willing to admit they have a problem. And my thoughts then naturally drifted to 'what it would be like to drink a six-pack of beer, right now'. The feeling was this sort of faint sensation of nausea. Which is kind of awkward, given that no more than six months ago, I could 'easily' go as far as 20 cans of beer (pints). Once again, I just didn't see a spot for the beer or how I'd fit that activity into my current plans.
With this said, I can admit that after returning from oz, the first week, maybe a couple of days less than that - I could really-really hear 'the bad voice'. Especially because it was post-trip mishmash of returning from a sunny, inviting and pleasant environment into the depths and darkness of winter at home. When I had, on average, 12k+ steps a day in Australia, within a week it dropped to almost non-existent numbers. So lack of physical activity, being - once again - distant from people I enjoy communicating with and getting used to the cold (fun fact, in Celsius, I came from +39 to what came to be -18, within 5 days - and my laptop got cold damage lol) and dark, or basically just a lack of sunshine.
At one point, just before 'getting over that hump', the idea of getting a drink didn't seem all that foreign.
Now we come to the nasty part. If someone would ask me right this moment 'So, do you think Australia was a one time thing or would it happen again, under the so-called enabling conditions?' - I would try and deflect the question somehow. Because the true answer is 'probably, under those circumstance, yes it would happen again'. I don't think about alcohol at all during my days - unless it's, you know, right up my nose, either some commercial etc, but then it's just a passing thought. I don't feel stressed because 'I can't drink' - right now, I really have no desire for it. I've used this before, but at the moment, it simply doesn't make sense to consume alcohol. It's as if the 'booze ideas' are hidden in a safe, with a combination lock (comprising sunshine, funny people, friendly atmosphere and a certain sense of accomplishment in the form of 'work done'). That itself is a problem for me, because the door can be opened and, if I'm honest, however bad this sounds, I'm currently okay with that :/
Troublesome as it is, I actually know, with good probability, that the combination lock has a potential 'opening' in July. I felt the need to give an update, even though I'm currently feeling how my own discussion of alcohol is stressing me out. I no longer wish to linger on these thoughts of booze, it's uncomfortable, but I also have to take responsibility for my thoughts, because those lead to actions.
Actually I just wanted to say that I'm coming up on a month sober, but it turned into a journey through my thoughts again.
If you guys think that this post might somehow influence people towards picking up, feel free to remove it. It wasn't the point of it At All - it is just that I'm having trouble reconsiling these thoughts that, if the 'right combination is there', I'm likely to have a beer, again. Not actively seeking it out, though, and in no shape or form approaching this from a 'ugh, I have to wait until July ...' angle.
Sorry for the rant, at least I got it out of my system.
Actually, again, this has multiple paths of interpretation. The somewhat obvious one would be a yippe-ka-yee type 'See, drinking didn't get me!', which is not the current case. I've reflected on it today and there was a story snippet in the newspaper by a psychiatrist who asserted that 'the mental health of men who drink a six-pack a day is in serious danger', followed by the statistics that about 92% of people with alcohol issues never get treatment or, even worse, aren't able or willing to admit they have a problem. And my thoughts then naturally drifted to 'what it would be like to drink a six-pack of beer, right now'. The feeling was this sort of faint sensation of nausea. Which is kind of awkward, given that no more than six months ago, I could 'easily' go as far as 20 cans of beer (pints). Once again, I just didn't see a spot for the beer or how I'd fit that activity into my current plans.
With this said, I can admit that after returning from oz, the first week, maybe a couple of days less than that - I could really-really hear 'the bad voice'. Especially because it was post-trip mishmash of returning from a sunny, inviting and pleasant environment into the depths and darkness of winter at home. When I had, on average, 12k+ steps a day in Australia, within a week it dropped to almost non-existent numbers. So lack of physical activity, being - once again - distant from people I enjoy communicating with and getting used to the cold (fun fact, in Celsius, I came from +39 to what came to be -18, within 5 days - and my laptop got cold damage lol) and dark, or basically just a lack of sunshine.
At one point, just before 'getting over that hump', the idea of getting a drink didn't seem all that foreign.
Now we come to the nasty part. If someone would ask me right this moment 'So, do you think Australia was a one time thing or would it happen again, under the so-called enabling conditions?' - I would try and deflect the question somehow. Because the true answer is 'probably, under those circumstance, yes it would happen again'. I don't think about alcohol at all during my days - unless it's, you know, right up my nose, either some commercial etc, but then it's just a passing thought. I don't feel stressed because 'I can't drink' - right now, I really have no desire for it. I've used this before, but at the moment, it simply doesn't make sense to consume alcohol. It's as if the 'booze ideas' are hidden in a safe, with a combination lock (comprising sunshine, funny people, friendly atmosphere and a certain sense of accomplishment in the form of 'work done'). That itself is a problem for me, because the door can be opened and, if I'm honest, however bad this sounds, I'm currently okay with that :/
Troublesome as it is, I actually know, with good probability, that the combination lock has a potential 'opening' in July. I felt the need to give an update, even though I'm currently feeling how my own discussion of alcohol is stressing me out. I no longer wish to linger on these thoughts of booze, it's uncomfortable, but I also have to take responsibility for my thoughts, because those lead to actions.
Actually I just wanted to say that I'm coming up on a month sober, but it turned into a journey through my thoughts again.
If you guys think that this post might somehow influence people towards picking up, feel free to remove it. It wasn't the point of it At All - it is just that I'm having trouble reconsiling these thoughts that, if the 'right combination is there', I'm likely to have a beer, again. Not actively seeking it out, though, and in no shape or form approaching this from a 'ugh, I have to wait until July ...' angle.
Sorry for the rant, at least I got it out of my system.
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Originally Posted by kk1k5x 
At All - it is just that I'm having trouble reconsiling these thoughts that, if the 'right combination is there', I'm likely to have a beer, again. Not actively seeking it out, though, and in no shape or form approaching this from a 'ugh, I have to wait until July ...' angle.
You are doing the same thing by pondering the "conditions" under which you will drink. At some point you'll meet the conditions...
... And drink.
I guess what you don't know is if you'll get away with it. By that I mean not go over the deep end.
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Join Date: Oct 2015
Posts: 2,393
Rant appreciated. Makes me feel a little less crazy and more a part of this clan.
Welcome back and thank you for sharing. None of us can afford any cockiness. This post just reinforces how dangerous this thing really is.
Welcome back and thank you for sharing. None of us can afford any cockiness. This post just reinforces how dangerous this thing really is.
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,442
Hi K
yeah those times I drank and nothing bad happened were the most dangerous of all.
My inner addict really worked that one, and like Carl said, when life was rough and my addictive rationalisations sounded the most reasonable, I drank again.
You had a lucky escape and nothing bad happened (unless you count the re-awakening of the voice).
Your relationship with alcohol hasn't changed.
Don't do what I did and test those waters again and again.
Inevitably you'll just end up in the place that bought you here to SR.
It's good you're self aware enough to know all this and to know the door is still open a crack...any ideas on how you intend tho shut the door again for good?
D
yeah those times I drank and nothing bad happened were the most dangerous of all.
My inner addict really worked that one, and like Carl said, when life was rough and my addictive rationalisations sounded the most reasonable, I drank again.
You had a lucky escape and nothing bad happened (unless you count the re-awakening of the voice).
Your relationship with alcohol hasn't changed.
Don't do what I did and test those waters again and again.
Inevitably you'll just end up in the place that bought you here to SR.
It's good you're self aware enough to know all this and to know the door is still open a crack...any ideas on how you intend tho shut the door again for good?
D
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
I'm likely to have a beer, again
then you most certainly WILL have a beer again, and probably sooner than you think.
i'd say MAYBE you are one of those rare breeds who CAN drink again with impunity.........except........
drinking, thinking of drinking, thinking of not drinking, thinking of when you might drink are now thoughts that consume you. which wouldn't happen with a regular non-addicted joe..........
then you most certainly WILL have a beer again, and probably sooner than you think.
i'd say MAYBE you are one of those rare breeds who CAN drink again with impunity.........except........
drinking, thinking of drinking, thinking of not drinking, thinking of when you might drink are now thoughts that consume you. which wouldn't happen with a regular non-addicted joe..........
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2015
Posts: 1,188
I've got some great replies, thanks guys. I'll probably rant now again.
Since I still have this inability to fall asleep without 'aids' (either like podcasts, documentaries playing in the background etc), I thought I'd check my thread. Apparently, when I wrote it initially at the end of January, I forgot to add that 'email reminder' option, which I used extensively when I was writing about my 100 days. Come to think of it, guess I was even addicted to that. Or at least, look to it for validation in times of need (and loneliness).
The thing with my rants is they occur due to my use (probably overuse, though) of introspection. In the very beginning, when you've just, barely, sobered up, the thoughts about drinking, not drinking, thinking of drinking etc really do consume you, or at least they consumed me. There were times when I did count minutes for cravings to pass. And, regarding such metrics, they seemed like they'd never leave.
I'm never really sure where the line runs for when something starts being perceived as a justification for picking the bottle up. I can assume that, everyone who is not currently writing this post, would regard most of what is being written as a justification for just that. I can say it's not - I'm trying to get these thoughts out of my mind and writing is the method I'm using. Again, don't use this 'stream of consciousness' as some sort of pretext for drinking, these are my crazy thoughs and mine alone.
In Australia, there were (from what I can recall) 5 separate instances of alcohol crossing my lips. The first one was a taste of wine at the winery, 2-4 were one to three beers after a long day and the final one was that glass of wine. Fairly extensive record of use for a period of 21 days, the trip from start to finish. I don't really know whether the bad voice returning was 'just' because of that first taste or because there were four subsequent tastes. Could be either one. And perhaps, as referred to above, the actual devil lies in the fact that 'nothing went wrong' or 'I got away with it and didn't go over the deep end'. On one hand, I'm super glad that nothing bad happened, on the other, it's also causing this 'final crack in the door'. And I'm currently lacking an answer regarding how I'm going to close it.
To describe the first tasting of wine, the amount was negligible, but I was buzzed for like an hour. And it was a weird, panicky type 'buzz'. My brain wasn't saying 'more more more', the thoughts that rapidly crossed my mind were akin to 'don't let this affect what you've acheived'. Probably the weirdest thought a person can have is 'Stop thinking', I had those, too. From my previous posts, it's quite obvious that my actual biggest enemy is my own thinking, or rumination, really. Those processes are likely to conclude with someone in a bar, rather than serene sobriety. It's also why I've been absent from SR - don't know why, but it is difficult for me to read other people's posts now, especially of those in the very beginning, because this requires me to actively think about alcohol and I do not want to do that. Actually, I don't do that anymore (except today, as described), because the sensations I get while doing so are unpleasant and uncomfortable.
The beers I had were all in a similar scenario. Evening, talks with new people, making jokes etc. When everyone went to sleep, I did, too. I did not devise any over-the-top crazy plans of going out and getting blasted. Even though the decision to pick up a bottle is always our own and so, too, the responsibility - I still feel I was 'pressured' into having those beers, at least the first time. Because there were evenings where others had beer, but I was content with my water and snacks. And it was all thanks to one main thing - I knew I had work to do and work + alcohol is not a combination I'm willing to test out anymore. Since I've found conducting my research such a captivating (and time-consuming) activity, alcohol doesn't enter the picture. Maybe, taking on more projects after I returned, was a subconscious 'decision', because I knew from previous experience that these get-togethers are always fun, but right after, the motivation takes a sharp dip. So I had to find things to do and luckily, there have been plenty of options.
As to the last glass of wine on 28th Jan, it was from the bottle the person I was staying with got from the winery. I had a glass, but I didn't want any more. My host and his sibling were drinking scotch and soda, I was sitting there with my water, listening to their stories. But when, you know, things got a bit louder, I felt uncomfortable and I just wanted to escape, go to bed and get a good rest before departing the next day. The first opportunity I got, I did just that.
One thing that was completely different on that trip, in terms of the company I kept, was the absence of heavy drinkers. I used to be really ticked off when the people I was with wanted to moderate or didn't want to drink at all, considered them to be bores. In Australia, I was relieved to see that was the case. I was exposed to a 'way of consuming alcohol' I previously didn't have time to even consider or acknowledge - cause I was too busy trying to put my own lights out. Is it an excuse to continue 'down the path'? No. I'm not looking for excuses.
Which brings me to what Anvil mentioned, about 'MAYBE being one of those rare breeds'. Let's consider that for a moment. It's highly likely that I'm not, but say I were one 'of those' - what then? Just, you know, jump back into the fray, bottles blazing? Feel tired afterwards, have a headache, feel useless and unproductive during the weekends? No, thanks. That's not the point. I'm not struggling with that. I'm struggling with the fact that, knowing full well those 'enabling conditions' will reemerge at one point, would I be strong enough then to say no? Are the changes I've implemented sufficient enough.
One thing I do know, is that during the event in July, I'm actually listed to give my very first talk/lecture. Knowing myself like I do, regardless of how much prep I do, I'll still be a nervous wreck before the lecture starts. Another thing I'm sure of (and I made the decision after posting earlier), is that I will not consume alcohol on that day, meaning after the lecture, however big the sense of relief/accomplishment (or, you know, shame and embarrassment) would be. Why? Because that's definitely in the work category and I will not make that association: 'do good/have beer'.
I don't know when I'll check back in. I really don't know how it got to the point of me not being able to read other's stories. Sometimes it seems, especially when reading complete newcomers' stories, my own memories are so 'cringe-worthy' that I don't want to take my mind back to those times. There are times, totally random moments, when something triggers a memory in my brain and I just stop and let it pass, with my eyes closed - all of those memories have one or more connections to my past drinking and the things I said or did during those times.
I have a new outlook on life now, new goals and I've made some personally significant progress. It still all comes with the usual ups and downs everyone goes through, of course.
Take care everyone and stay strong.
Since I still have this inability to fall asleep without 'aids' (either like podcasts, documentaries playing in the background etc), I thought I'd check my thread. Apparently, when I wrote it initially at the end of January, I forgot to add that 'email reminder' option, which I used extensively when I was writing about my 100 days. Come to think of it, guess I was even addicted to that. Or at least, look to it for validation in times of need (and loneliness).
The thing with my rants is they occur due to my use (probably overuse, though) of introspection. In the very beginning, when you've just, barely, sobered up, the thoughts about drinking, not drinking, thinking of drinking etc really do consume you, or at least they consumed me. There were times when I did count minutes for cravings to pass. And, regarding such metrics, they seemed like they'd never leave.
I'm never really sure where the line runs for when something starts being perceived as a justification for picking the bottle up. I can assume that, everyone who is not currently writing this post, would regard most of what is being written as a justification for just that. I can say it's not - I'm trying to get these thoughts out of my mind and writing is the method I'm using. Again, don't use this 'stream of consciousness' as some sort of pretext for drinking, these are my crazy thoughs and mine alone.
In Australia, there were (from what I can recall) 5 separate instances of alcohol crossing my lips. The first one was a taste of wine at the winery, 2-4 were one to three beers after a long day and the final one was that glass of wine. Fairly extensive record of use for a period of 21 days, the trip from start to finish. I don't really know whether the bad voice returning was 'just' because of that first taste or because there were four subsequent tastes. Could be either one. And perhaps, as referred to above, the actual devil lies in the fact that 'nothing went wrong' or 'I got away with it and didn't go over the deep end'. On one hand, I'm super glad that nothing bad happened, on the other, it's also causing this 'final crack in the door'. And I'm currently lacking an answer regarding how I'm going to close it.
To describe the first tasting of wine, the amount was negligible, but I was buzzed for like an hour. And it was a weird, panicky type 'buzz'. My brain wasn't saying 'more more more', the thoughts that rapidly crossed my mind were akin to 'don't let this affect what you've acheived'. Probably the weirdest thought a person can have is 'Stop thinking', I had those, too. From my previous posts, it's quite obvious that my actual biggest enemy is my own thinking, or rumination, really. Those processes are likely to conclude with someone in a bar, rather than serene sobriety. It's also why I've been absent from SR - don't know why, but it is difficult for me to read other people's posts now, especially of those in the very beginning, because this requires me to actively think about alcohol and I do not want to do that. Actually, I don't do that anymore (except today, as described), because the sensations I get while doing so are unpleasant and uncomfortable.
The beers I had were all in a similar scenario. Evening, talks with new people, making jokes etc. When everyone went to sleep, I did, too. I did not devise any over-the-top crazy plans of going out and getting blasted. Even though the decision to pick up a bottle is always our own and so, too, the responsibility - I still feel I was 'pressured' into having those beers, at least the first time. Because there were evenings where others had beer, but I was content with my water and snacks. And it was all thanks to one main thing - I knew I had work to do and work + alcohol is not a combination I'm willing to test out anymore. Since I've found conducting my research such a captivating (and time-consuming) activity, alcohol doesn't enter the picture. Maybe, taking on more projects after I returned, was a subconscious 'decision', because I knew from previous experience that these get-togethers are always fun, but right after, the motivation takes a sharp dip. So I had to find things to do and luckily, there have been plenty of options.
As to the last glass of wine on 28th Jan, it was from the bottle the person I was staying with got from the winery. I had a glass, but I didn't want any more. My host and his sibling were drinking scotch and soda, I was sitting there with my water, listening to their stories. But when, you know, things got a bit louder, I felt uncomfortable and I just wanted to escape, go to bed and get a good rest before departing the next day. The first opportunity I got, I did just that.
One thing that was completely different on that trip, in terms of the company I kept, was the absence of heavy drinkers. I used to be really ticked off when the people I was with wanted to moderate or didn't want to drink at all, considered them to be bores. In Australia, I was relieved to see that was the case. I was exposed to a 'way of consuming alcohol' I previously didn't have time to even consider or acknowledge - cause I was too busy trying to put my own lights out. Is it an excuse to continue 'down the path'? No. I'm not looking for excuses.
Which brings me to what Anvil mentioned, about 'MAYBE being one of those rare breeds'. Let's consider that for a moment. It's highly likely that I'm not, but say I were one 'of those' - what then? Just, you know, jump back into the fray, bottles blazing? Feel tired afterwards, have a headache, feel useless and unproductive during the weekends? No, thanks. That's not the point. I'm not struggling with that. I'm struggling with the fact that, knowing full well those 'enabling conditions' will reemerge at one point, would I be strong enough then to say no? Are the changes I've implemented sufficient enough.
One thing I do know, is that during the event in July, I'm actually listed to give my very first talk/lecture. Knowing myself like I do, regardless of how much prep I do, I'll still be a nervous wreck before the lecture starts. Another thing I'm sure of (and I made the decision after posting earlier), is that I will not consume alcohol on that day, meaning after the lecture, however big the sense of relief/accomplishment (or, you know, shame and embarrassment) would be. Why? Because that's definitely in the work category and I will not make that association: 'do good/have beer'.
I don't know when I'll check back in. I really don't know how it got to the point of me not being able to read other's stories. Sometimes it seems, especially when reading complete newcomers' stories, my own memories are so 'cringe-worthy' that I don't want to take my mind back to those times. There are times, totally random moments, when something triggers a memory in my brain and I just stop and let it pass, with my eyes closed - all of those memories have one or more connections to my past drinking and the things I said or did during those times.
I have a new outlook on life now, new goals and I've made some personally significant progress. It still all comes with the usual ups and downs everyone goes through, of course.
Take care everyone and stay strong.
Join Date: Sep 2016
Posts: 847
Originally Posted by kk1k5x
I'm trying to get these thoughts out of my mind and writing is the method I'm using. Again, don't use this 'stream of consciousness' as some sort of pretext for drinking...
The stream of consciousness is not the problem. The problem is that you are not recognizing the voice of your addiction within that stream of consciousness.
You have left the option of drinking again on the table, and you are okay with that. Being okay with that is the voice, for example.
I would encourage you to look into AVRT, and to get yourself a copy of the Rational Recovery book that soberlicious mentioned a few posts back. It is very inexpensive, and there is also a free crash course that you can find online.
AVRT deals extensively with the stream of consciousnesses and the bad voice. It is explained in the book, and it may clarify your understanding.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2015
Posts: 1,188
Originally Posted by Dee74
Have you considered that part of you - the Bad Voice part if you will - doesn't want you here posting and reading for a very good reason? 
D
D
Can't say where the right 'spot' is between acknowledging that I'm an addict and not constantly defining myself through that notion moving forward. Quite frankly, I'd go nuts if I did that currently. It was vital in the very beginning, won't deny - it was the necessary change in the mindset, or approach to things, if you will. So, that's my 2 cents for today
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,442
Stream of consciousness or not you seem unwilling to pick a side right now, almost to the point of recalcitrance.
It's a dangerous place to be, and I've been there many times.
I didn't want to be an alcoholic - who does?
But acceptance was the key for me to have the life I wanted.
I don't feel defined as an addict any more than I feel defined by my disability...but I forget, or deny, either at my peril.
D
It's a dangerous place to be, and I've been there many times.
I didn't want to be an alcoholic - who does?
But acceptance was the key for me to have the life I wanted.
I don't feel defined as an addict any more than I feel defined by my disability...but I forget, or deny, either at my peril.
D
Join Date: Sep 2016
Posts: 847
Originally Posted by kk1k5x
This particular 'thing' most likely has something to do with the bad voice. Other than that, almost anything out of the ordinary could be interpreted in that light - something that goes wrong, something that feels right, something that seems off etc.
It's conspicuous by its movement towards the supply of drinks, though, so it's not entirely difficult to recognize. Anything that contradicts "I will never drink again" in any way, shape, or form, in your stream of consciousness, is your Addictive Voice.
Originally Posted by kk1k5x
Can't say where the right 'spot' is between acknowledging that I'm an addict and not constantly defining myself through that notion moving forward.
Your choice is not between "I'm an addict" and drinking some more, your choice is between drinking some more and not drinking some more.
I can spot the voice in your posts, and you can learn to do the same. You will need to bring it forth into consciousness, though, by removing that Option.
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