How the Bad Voice returned
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: Gulf Coast, USA
Posts: 2,229
Great job on day 85! Keep going. The longer you stay sober, the more sobriety becomes your norm. It will happen, i promise.
Ultimately you know what drinking will bring you, only darkness. I know if i have just one drink, I will be right back to where I started. It might not happen right away, but sure enough, the minute you let your AV negotiate with you, you've lost the battle.
Stay strong, it's worth the effort you are putting in.
Ultimately you know what drinking will bring you, only darkness. I know if i have just one drink, I will be right back to where I started. It might not happen right away, but sure enough, the minute you let your AV negotiate with you, you've lost the battle.
Stay strong, it's worth the effort you are putting in.
12 Step Recovered Alcoholic
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 6,613
Originally Posted by kk1k5x 
Based on the damage caused, time wasted, relationships broken and lost, opportunities squandered, then yes, I'm an alcoholic. Whatever use there is for this label.
What is the 'point of no return'? I'm here, aren't I?
What is the 'point of no return'? I'm here, aren't I?
I don't get all the talk about cravings. The cravings are gone in the first few days as we detox. They are caused in the first place by alcohol in the system. After that it is the battle with the obsession about being able to drink without all the negative consequences.
The obsession is very subtle for alcoholics of my type. If you are like me, and many others I have met, there won't be any long winded debate about the pros and cons of drinking. What will happen is kind of wrong question " would you like a drink? " and wrong answer " yeah, thanks", and it will be all over in seconds. No time for the thoughts, techniques or whatever to come to mind to save you.
The craving might not kick in the first time, though it did with many of us. The question to ask is " can I guarantee my behavior after the first drink?" I can sometimes, but not every time.
It is tough getting through the first few days detoxing, beating off that craving. Often in the fellowship, we break it down into one day, even one hour at a time, just to hang on long enough so that we get a chance to deal with the real problem, the lack of a defense against the first drink.
That part involves learning to live life one day at a time. The AA program is not about staying sober one arduous day at a time. It is about a way of life that brings permanent recovery. It is not about being powerless either. In fact it is very empowering. Today I have all the power I need to live successfully in this world. I am not walking on eggshells, tomorrow is not the day I might drink. I have a resilient sobriety that has easily withstood all the ups and downs we all will strike in life.
Like Mark Twain, I have trouble understanding what is happening to you. You back story is completely different to mine, and I can't quite tell where you are with control and choice. If you have either, your problem is solved.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2015
Posts: 1,188
Reached the magical 100. Happy about this! Less happy about most other things. I have a pending committee review in early June and I'm dreading I havent done enough. Cant shake the feeling and it's bringing me down :/
Member
Join Date: Oct 2016
Location: CA
Posts: 1,060
Congrats on 100 days!!! triple digits is an awesome accomplishment. Try not to future trip. You still have a month to work at doing enough. Only you know if you have done all that's possible with honest assessment. Good Luck kk1k5x
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,380
You're a student/postgrad, aren't you?
I think most people would feel that way K.
Most of my reviews went ok - those that didn't I wasn't flogged very severely ..I got told to do more work and I pulled my socks up for the next one
You can do a lot of adding to the biblography in 3-4 weeks
congrats on 100 days
D
I think most people would feel that way K.
Most of my reviews went ok - those that didn't I wasn't flogged very severely ..I got told to do more work and I pulled my socks up for the next one
You can do a lot of adding to the biblography in 3-4 weeks
congrats on 100 days
D
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2015
Posts: 1,188
At a conference abroad, partly organised by my own uni.
I feel so awkward here :/ And it's not even so much that I dont really know other people here (and it seems they are all 'best friends for life'), but...
The one person I do or would actually know, is the pretty girl with whom I had my final drunken meltdown before I stopped. It'KILLING me to be around her. It's uncomfortable and weird and all I'd really want to do, would be to take her aside for a moment and apologise for something that happened more than a year ago. I cant stop thinking about that... and about her.
Which means that all the smiles and how do you do's are just a farce and a facade only insofar as I can survive another 36 hours here and never have to do it again.
I cant be such a wuss as to not be able to apologise to a lovely person who never ever deserved to be any part of the collateral damage my drinking caused. But this is not the place to do it. And this is why I'm inches away from some form of 'going into a corner and sobbing'.
Any help and advice would be greatly appreciated
I feel so awkward here :/ And it's not even so much that I dont really know other people here (and it seems they are all 'best friends for life'), but...
The one person I do or would actually know, is the pretty girl with whom I had my final drunken meltdown before I stopped. It'KILLING me to be around her. It's uncomfortable and weird and all I'd really want to do, would be to take her aside for a moment and apologise for something that happened more than a year ago. I cant stop thinking about that... and about her.
Which means that all the smiles and how do you do's are just a farce and a facade only insofar as I can survive another 36 hours here and never have to do it again.
I cant be such a wuss as to not be able to apologise to a lovely person who never ever deserved to be any part of the collateral damage my drinking caused. But this is not the place to do it. And this is why I'm inches away from some form of 'going into a corner and sobbing'.
Any help and advice would be greatly appreciated
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
It's fortunate this didn't turn into a years long binge (yet).
It unfortunate you've given your AV and your addicted mind ammunition and 'evidence' that you 'can moderate'.
I say this because I personally fell to that very thing time and again. For years.
It unfortunate you've given your AV and your addicted mind ammunition and 'evidence' that you 'can moderate'.
I say this because I personally fell to that very thing time and again. For years.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2015
Posts: 1,188
Originally Posted by FreeOwl
It's fortunate this didn't turn into a years long binge (yet).
It unfortunate you've given your AV and your addicted mind ammunition and 'evidence' that you 'can moderate'.
I say this because I personally fell to that very thing time and again. For years.
It unfortunate you've given your AV and your addicted mind ammunition and 'evidence' that you 'can moderate'.
I say this because I personally fell to that very thing time and again. For years.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
It relates to the OP.
It relates to all your other P's.
It relates to your latest P.
I see a lot of echoes of my own former struggles in your words and shared experiences and struggle.
For me, deeply choosing sobriety, firmly putting all drinking behind me, taking actions (like AA, counseling, real changes, daily work) to support and deepen sobriety was what freed me from the struggles and feelings you seem to be sharing.
What are you doing besides not drinking to support your sober life?
It relates to all your other P's.
It relates to your latest P.
I see a lot of echoes of my own former struggles in your words and shared experiences and struggle.
For me, deeply choosing sobriety, firmly putting all drinking behind me, taking actions (like AA, counseling, real changes, daily work) to support and deepen sobriety was what freed me from the struggles and feelings you seem to be sharing.
What are you doing besides not drinking to support your sober life?
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,380
Originally Posted by kk1k5x
At a conference abroad, partly organised by my own uni.
I feel so awkward here :/ And it's not even so much that I dont really know other people here (and it seems they are all 'best friends for life'), but...
The one person I do or would actually know, is the pretty girl with whom I had my final drunken meltdown before I stopped. It'KILLING me to be around her. It's uncomfortable and weird and all I'd really want to do, would be to take her aside for a moment and apologise for something that happened more than a year ago. I cant stop thinking about that... and about her.
Which means that all the smiles and how do you do's are just a farce and a facade only insofar as I can survive another 36 hours here and never have to do it again.
I cant be such a wuss as to not be able to apologise to a lovely person who never ever deserved to be any part of the collateral damage my drinking caused. But this is not the place to do it. And this is why I'm inches away from some form of 'going into a corner and sobbing'.
Any help and advice would be greatly appreciated
I feel so awkward here :/ And it's not even so much that I dont really know other people here (and it seems they are all 'best friends for life'), but...
The one person I do or would actually know, is the pretty girl with whom I had my final drunken meltdown before I stopped. It'KILLING me to be around her. It's uncomfortable and weird and all I'd really want to do, would be to take her aside for a moment and apologise for something that happened more than a year ago. I cant stop thinking about that... and about her.
Which means that all the smiles and how do you do's are just a farce and a facade only insofar as I can survive another 36 hours here and never have to do it again.
I cant be such a wuss as to not be able to apologise to a lovely person who never ever deserved to be any part of the collateral damage my drinking caused. But this is not the place to do it. And this is why I'm inches away from some form of 'going into a corner and sobbing'.
Any help and advice would be greatly appreciated
You must be down to the last day by now, yeah?
D
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2015
Posts: 1,188
Made it through. Skipped last night's 'party' with an excuse of having to work, which wasn't a lie per se but ofc I didnt have to work for close to 6 hours.
Sober. And putting miles between myself and the person. Realised that the tension is not perceived. If you're alone in a room with a person, three feet from one another and it's complete silence (while it 'used to be' laughs and banter), then everyone gets the message.
I have to come to grips with this status quo. No false illusions about it.
Sober. And putting miles between myself and the person. Realised that the tension is not perceived. If you're alone in a room with a person, three feet from one another and it's complete silence (while it 'used to be' laughs and banter), then everyone gets the message.
I have to come to grips with this status quo. No false illusions about it.
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