JRL89

I am a 27 year old successful male. I have a wonderful spouse, my high school sweetheart, and an excellent job. My drinking increased over the last 7 months and im not sure why. I went from socially drinking, to drinking at home alone and drinking until I was drunk. My spouse asked me about 6 months ago after coming home if i had been drinking. I had told her no, which was a lie, and she flipped. We ended up making up and told her I would do better. Well this continued to happen another 4-5 times over the last 6 months. She had threatned me each time, and i told her i would quit, told her i wouldn't lie about drinking each time.

Last week after a half day at work i decided to have a few drinks. Drank my usual amount and she came home. She immediately knew i had been drinking and asked if i had been drinking. Well i lied to her face again and said no and she flipped. She now has no trust with me, is considering ending our marriage, has asked for some space for her to figure things out and I am stuck sleeping at a buddies house. I tried to tell her i was seriously done drinking, which this is the first time i have actually stopped drinking for a prolong period of time, and promised it would never happen again. Well... she doesn't believe it, because i have said this the last 4-5 times and didn't change anything, and is afraid our future, our future kids will revolve around me being an alcoholic and wants nothing to do with that.

That hurt.. I am a mess. My heart hurts, im not sleeping, not eating. I feel like a horrible husband. Why did I not learn the first 5 times, why did i continue to drink and lie about it?, What was alcohol doing for me that she couldn't. Honestly, I have no idea. I have no idea why I was drinking and lying. I never lie to here.

This was the first step in me realizing I have a problem. I didn't recognize it the first 5 times, but this time for whatever reason I realized I have an alcohol problem and its going to possibly end my life and my marriage to the greatest woman in the world.

I have booked a meeting with a substance abuse counselor to talk this all through, to figure out why do i drink? My life doesnt suck, im stressed but who isnt. Why do i lie to her when drinking? Really looking to better myself and kick the alcohol habit to the curb and save myself and my marriage. Just hoping its not too late, and she is willing to take another chance with me and help me through this problem.

soberandhonest

Hi JRL. I'm sorry that you are going through this. The deceit nearly wrecked my relationship with my girl too. I lied over and over again. When I finally sought treatment, she had her proverbial bags packed and one foot out the door. That was 13 months ago and I am very blessed that she is still with me. The deceit is gone and the relationship is dramatically improved.

My advice is this. First, recognize that if you don't stop drinking, she is gone. Perhaps she will leave anyway, but you pretty much assure that end if you don't stop now. If you want to give yourself a fighting chance to save your marriage, quit now. Second, words mean nothing at this point; only action matters. Don't spend time telling her what you plan to do or will do; rather, take real steps toward recovery and, when the time is right for you both, tell her what actions you have taken. Third, you need to really accept the fact that she has every right to make her own decisions on whether to stay with you and your responsibility is to quit drinking, not for her, but for yourself. This was really hard for me, but it is crucial. You can't control her and you can't quit for her; neither will be successful.

Good luck. You will be in my thoughts.

ScottFromWI

Welcome to SR JRL89. Sorry to hear you are going through this, but I think you've made a very wise decision to come here and also to see a substance abuse counselor. Most of us have done things we regret because of our drinking, and unfortunately there is many times no answer to "why" we did them, other than that we are alcoholics. What you'll most likely find when you see the counselor is that acceptance of our addiction is the key to getting out from under it's spell. You can make a lot of changes in your life today that will help tomorrow be a better day, hope you can join us to share in some conversation about how to go about it.

JRL89

Sober. Thanks for reaching out. It feels alot better knowing their have been others in my situation. I have been beating my self up pretty bad and labeling myself as a bad husband, bad friend.

Actions speak louder than words. The exact reason I am taking the steps for myself. If she decides to leave, it will hurt no doubt, but if i keep drinking the pain will be worse.

I have quite drinking, been sober for going on a week now. Have no desire to drink. Anytime i see a drink i just think of her leaving. Hoping the counselor can help get me to the why. Right now just feel like a really big *******.

Algorithm

Kick the alcohol to the curb now, because it will take more than your marriage eventually. Be very happy that you have figured out that something is wrong after only seven months, but you should be aware that substance abuse counselors can be rather slow in getting to the solution, and they can keep you "working on the problem" for a very long time.

As for the why you drink? It doesn't matter, any more than it matters why a smoker starts smoking one cigarette a day and ends up smoking a whole pack. Through repeated drinking episodes, something has been awakened inside, and it probably won't go away. At this point, the simplest, easiest, and least expensive solution is absolute abstinence from alcohol and other drugs.

Do like all successful ex-smokers do, and quit drinking for good instead of worrying about the why. Never take another sip of the stuff, ever. One sip is too many, and it will only lead to more drinks, deep drunkenness, and more big problems. Your wife probably knows this.

I have one question, based on what you wrote in your post.

What if you did have a desire to drink? What would you do then?

I ask because the desire will probably return, and you may be under the incorrect impression that the desire to drink is the problem that you need to solve. Your counselor may even try and reinforce that idea, and have you go around in circles trying to remove desire instead of quitting drinking.

JRL89

Absouletly agree. Just kicking alcohol to the curb is the only option I have and is the step I am going in. If the desire to drink kicks in, im going to fight it and not drink again. My father was an alcoholic and Ive seen it ruin my parents marriage. I cant let the same happen to me. I am very lucky to have realized this in 7 months. Even though right now it feels like its too late considering my wife is in a really tough spot. Admitting i have a problem is step one. Sticking to not drinking is step 2-10000

thomas11

In quitting drinking you will likely resolve and avoid all kinds of other issues. Sorry you are in a bit of a jam right now, but by taking action you can salvage the situation. My wife nagged me for years but when she started sleeping in the spare bedroom and looking for apartments I straightened real quick. At that time I didn't totally quit but I cut back bt 80%. Two years later I quit altogether.

JRL89

Happy to hear it all worked out for you Thomas. Drinking is the root cause of all of this. For some reason I am just finding that out now. I guess when something is about gone you start to realize things.

Pondlady

JRL, Very sorry you're going through this. soberandhonest gave you excellent advice!

Give your wife the space she's asked for and work on your sobriety.

JRL89

Thanks Pondlady. I appreciate the encouragement.

PurpleKnight

Welcome to the Forum JRL!!

Mattq2

JRL,
It's hard for our loved ones to trust us. We are inherently dishonest to protect our drinking. I'm an old pro at both the marriage and the lying. Almost thirty years at both. With sobriety the trust will return it just takes time. You will see.

Anna

JRL, welcome and I'm sorry for your situation. It's good to know that denial is a huge part of alcoholism, and it's only when we stop drinking that we get the clarity we need. I'm glad you are at that point.

soberlicious

and she is absolutely right...that is eventually what would happen. She is very wise indeed to see the writing on the wall.

I agree with Algorithm. The searching, searching, searching for the why of it all can you keep you going in circles. Often people involved in this cycle are not one step closer to ending the madness than when they began, often far worse off as the addiction has progressed to having some serious financial, physical, and emotional repercussions. The only possibility of uncovering a why (if there even is one) is to quit putting alcohol in your body for good. Taking the possibility of drinking completely off the table as an option ever, allows you the freedom to explore some possible whys. As a non-drinker, you have all the time in the world to explore your inner self. Permanently abstaining from alcohol is not contingent on anything except, well...actually abstaining from alcohol.

I know you said you don't have littles yet, but imagine that you have in your two hands two lives you can give to your future children. One with you as an out of control drinker, a liar, and someone neither they nor their mother can count on. The other life is one where you will make your fair share of honest mistakes as a father, but you will be present, honest, and reliable.

Which will you offer them? You can choose that.

PhoenixJ

JRL- I was you, once. Wife, career- family, home. I tried lots of ways to stop drinking, but I did not understand why. The lying is part of that. Being at the part where you are aware of stuff and taking measures (well done btw) take it very, very seriously. It is not an interest- it is essential. You mention the drinking- and to do something about it before it ruins your marriage and perhaps be a threat to your life.
For shock therapy- just check out my story. Please do see the therapist and stop drinking- forever. Not to get better, to control- forever.
Sincerest prayers for you and your family. PJ.

Grymt

Welcome. The simplest 'why' I got is possibly also the hardest for me to accept is that I drink because I can't not drink. That's it. It presents me with a simple solution : don't drink.

Face what comes and grow with it. Life's too precious to do otherwise.

Hevyn

It's great to meet you, JRL. I think being here will really help. We've all been there to one extent or another. I never figured out why I drank either - nothing was really wrong in my life, nothing to escape from. Yet I became completely dependent on it and almost lost everything. I'm glad you're taking action.

exitingstrategy

I can relate to this topic. My wife threw my butt out in November And said she was completely done with my lying and drinking and drug use. No longer wanted any part of it. At first I was mad about how she could do this after 18 yes together. After some counselling and na meetings I'm beginning to see she had to. I was so blinded, and being a functional addict, holding a job, no money trouble etc...I didn't see how much I was hurting her untill now 3 months later! She sees I've been taking steps and my therapist is a 25 year aa member and she wants to now get counselling so we can get back together. I'm getting happier now but I have to work everyday to stay on this path. You can too. Love will prevail. Staying clean is the answer and get recovery

ABetterWay1

Hi JRL,

Welcome, and I'm glad you have taken the time to come to SR. Very supportive community here.

Addiction/attachment to alcohol is good at causing manipulation and marriage troubles. I have experience with that, being married for 11 years with two kids. Choosing not just sobriety, but active recovery makes a marriage (and other relationships) a whole lot better.

I wish you success!

ABW1