radrag86

This is my first post, having recently found this site. Surprised I didn't find it sooner.I am coming on up to one year of sobriety from alcohol. I am an adult male (59yo) child of two alcoholic parents that left their mark on my life. I have been spending this first year really working to unwind THAT whole mess. I am finding I am looking to find a way to harness this sobriety not just for myself but for others. I did not take to AA because I tend to be more of an introvert. I do not count the days anymore, but simply try to live each day for itself. This is my longest spell (of many) with sobriety during a life of never being able to just have one. I work hard to turn from all that used to give be angst (politics!) and definitely seek a quieter more philosophical way. I have read that the first two years are crucial. Has anyone else felt this restlessness during their adventure in sobriety? Its not that I am wanting to drink, it just seems like I am expecting more,........something. Thank you .

ScottFromWI

Welcome to SR radrag, and congrats on your upcoming one year sober anniversary, it's quite an accomplishment.

I would agree that the first year was very difficult, it takes a long time to learn new ways to live - physically, mentally and spiritually. I'm still working on a lot of things at about 4 years sober, but they are simply life...and we will always have things to work on. And yes, I think most of us did expect more....because addiction by nature kind of makes us seek instant gratification in many areas of our life. For me personally, some therapy over the past couple years and learning some new mindfulness techniques has really helped a lot. They have taught me how to live much more in the moment and not to get too worried about the future or to ruminate on the past too much.

I hope you can stay with us for some more conversation, I'm sure you've learned a lot in your first sober year that would be of benefit to many folks here as well.

Grymt

Welcome. Thanks for just being there.

I'm 59 male as well. I can id with politics and angst. And the booze of course.

After a second bout of about 8 years sober I find the restlessness comes and goes. I've had to be a bit of a hermit for a while but am trying to get out of a rut. It helps to be here and share

radrag86

I went to counseling early on in this past year. My sisters feel it is crucial. But I felt I reached a point that the counselor really wasn't helping. The door remains open she said. Not sure what I expected. Most of my conversations are in my own head with the same internal voice that used to allow me to drink. But yes, I hope to be a regular here. I may have a bit to share especially about being an ACOA.

PurpleKnight

Welcome to the Forum Radrag!!

Mattq2

Welcome to SR redrag. I'm in my fifties as well. I understand about the restlessness. I was sober for a long time when I was younger. Felt that same restlessness. To me it was always like something was missing in my life. It finally got to me and I drank again. This time I know what it is. I try to stay happy and ignore it. Yes that restlessness is a slight annoyance but nothing close to the disaster I would be if I drank again. Great job on one year my friend.

Anna

Welcome Radrag,

My first year or so were filled with changing perspectives and emotions. I hope that you find some answers here.

Mountainmanbob

I don't expect anything too special from life, just staying grateful for it and staying sober has been more than enough to keep me happy. All else is frosting on the cake.
M-Bob

radrag86

Anna, Yes, it has become a lot of changing perspectives and emotions. I have learned to allow myself to have the emotions that I used to "stuff" as my counselor told me. I wondered often about my not caring about my drinking in my younger days, but now as I stand at the beginning of my twilight years it matters. Although I was really starting to feel the physical toll on my body. And my liver poking me in my side did much to get my attention. I had my liver pancreas and abdomen checked by my doctor. Thankfully it wasn't as bad as I though it could have been. I mentioned early on that both my parents were alcoholics, and it killed my mother at a rather young age (42) of cirrosis and esophageal veraces. A grim death for a 12 year old to watch. But you would have though that would have taught me. My three older sisters seem to have dodged the alcohol bug. I got to observe my mother go through DTs and convulsions as well. That was always my greatest fear when detoxing each time. It is a relief that I don't have to fear that any more. I have found that each time I would relapse, I would always dive in a little deeper, stay a little longer, become more and more depressed. I believe with all my heart that I cannot go back. Mostly because I fear that one more trip to drinking will be my last. That is my greatest motivator.

"Death is not the greatest loss in life. The greatest loss is what dies inside us while we live." Norman Cousins

Mentium

Thank you Radrag, from one old geezer entering his twilight years to another.

Dee74

Hi and welcome radrag

My first year was about cleanign up my mess and working out who sober me was and what he wanted.

All the years since have been a great journey...not all the days have been good ones, but I wouldn't miss the journey for quids

D

fini

welcome, radrag.
and yeah, i experienced restlessness, accompanied by irritation and duscontent. such a classic! cringe!
took several sober years before i dealt with that by following the step process after coming to see it was designed for that.
and as an aside: i find those meetings full of introverts.

anyway, point being that following a more spiritual path took care of the problem of the restlessness.

many different ways of doing that.

radrag86

Having now reached my first full year of sobriety, I find I am quite surprised by how much the sober brain differs from the alcohol drugged mind. It has been a long process of me to really listen to myself, in mind and body. I have a ways to go, but I am more at peace then I have been in some years now. I have come to believe with my heart that I can be whole and at peace with my past, present, and future.

Calling myself a poet of sorts, I have written the following, it is my life journey in simple words.

Paving Stones.


He walks this life reminded
how some roads are paved in stone.
Can what we learn be undone?
Can broken spirits fly?
With childhood dreams that echoed
of his drunken parents yells.
He fought to laugh, and played alone
while sitting with his friends.
And so he was an aimless soul
unsure of his own truth.
He was putting on a phony face.
He allowed no one too close.
And drink to him became a balm
to heal his broken heart.
But all it did was carry him to
Places always dark.
And time, it passed, and he became
a slowly aging man.
Left walking on the paving stones
that still define the way.
But now he’s taping up his wings.
His spirit may yet fly.
He found that there are reasons, but
no answers to the why.

fgo

You are a poet, thank you.

radrag86

The Draught
Drink deep of the draught of life’s sadness.
Wonder when you’ve had enough.
Seek out those things that bring gladness.
But guard well all that fills up your cup.

Allow that which troubles your soul.
Hold you tight in a loving embrace.
Surrender yourself to the draught
For it nurtures and numbs your disgrace.

Drink deep the draught of life’s sadness.
Know in your heart it’s enough.
Let go of that on-going madness.
Find healing whatever the cost.

Hold hope that there can be a future
When walking your life’s twilight paths.
Seek all things that you know that can nurture
Find happiness you hope that can last.

radrag86

Now that I have achieved a year in sobriety I find myself sometimes miffed that family friends, and loved ones don’t acknowledge it more often, (if ever). If I say something, they may say you are doing great, etc. But if I didn’t say anything would anyone else? I have to question why it is that I feel this. I know how I’m doing with this journey. So what do I expect? I guess maybe because this journey is a day by day thing which I feel and live with all my heart and soul. I have been reading about humility and its importance to keeping ones sobriety. I need to be more humble and understand that the only expectations I need to keep a grip on are the ones that I expect of myself.

tomsteve

radrag, that reminds me of something my sponsor said to me once:
when i hit my(i think it was) 7 year sober birthday, i called my sponsor and told him it was my birthday. he said," if youre expecting a pat on the back for living the way you should have been living your entire life, it aint comin from me."
got me a little resentment for a bit, but he was right- why should i get kudos for living right? why should anyone acknowledge it
pride and ego.

MsCooterBrown

Because you had a chance to make it right...you turned it around. You did it. Kudoos deserved.

Dee74

Hi radrag

I think unless you've lived the struggle it's hard for others to 'get it' .

That's why it's good that places like SR are here - we get it, we've turned our lives around, and we understand why the whole recovery process is so important.

BixBees505

^^^ Exactly...people who have been through it themselves will be ecstatic for you and will tell you so! Cast not your pearls ( of self revealing need of acknowledgement) before swine ( people who simply don't have the perspective to appreciate the journey you've made. ) That kind of knowing comraderie is exactly what AA and things like SR do SO VERY well.

I like the self-aware and open mind your posts show us. I think you will continue to do well if you stay open and willing to examine yourself and make appropriate changes.

BTW...late 50's here, too.