newbie needs prayers
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2017
Location: Midland, Mi.
Posts: 5
newbie needs prayers
Greetings to all,
Newbie here, having a difficult time.
been drinking for 10 yrs, a yr ago ended up in jail at the hand of my husband cuz I blew a .44 drunk and outta control at home. In jail 3 months and bailed, on probation for 1 yr. then in Aug 2016 fell off hard, free from probation I got stupid and had 1 beer n was off to the races.
slow progression since. back to sneaking what I can when I can and get away with it.
Got a 3rd shift job back in March 2017... yay good $ but now hubby and I are passing ships in the night as he works 4am to 4pm when I sleep and he sleeps when I work 11pm to 730 am. NOT a good scenario condusive to good relationships.
as a part timer I was working 5 nights a week. After the holidays they cut us back to 1 day a week. Not good for bill paying. However blessing in disguise as I had to call 911 for my 83 yr. old mom. she ended up in e.r. unresponsive because her c02 level was 107 and it shouldn't be much over 40. COPD and Emphyzema. ouch. now she's home on hospice care and cannot breath w/o the BI pap (not C pap) machine. My older sister and I are pulling split shifts to care for her, with an occasional hospice visit. So after returning to AA meetings I am asking myself have I really hit bottom yet? and others tell me if I'm asking myself that then I probably haven't. This scares the $#@! outta me. I thought jail WAS my bottom. Now i'm not sure what to think or feel. I now fall into, not only the h a l t category but r i d as well... Hungry angry lonely tired restless irritable discontent. Dangerous mix for someone like me. I know I just need to get out of Gods way and let Him do his job, I thank God He is God and I am not, Prayers please for this very trying time in my life.
Hugzz Ladyhawk2339
Newbie here, having a difficult time.
been drinking for 10 yrs, a yr ago ended up in jail at the hand of my husband cuz I blew a .44 drunk and outta control at home. In jail 3 months and bailed, on probation for 1 yr. then in Aug 2016 fell off hard, free from probation I got stupid and had 1 beer n was off to the races.
slow progression since. back to sneaking what I can when I can and get away with it.
Got a 3rd shift job back in March 2017... yay good $ but now hubby and I are passing ships in the night as he works 4am to 4pm when I sleep and he sleeps when I work 11pm to 730 am. NOT a good scenario condusive to good relationships.
as a part timer I was working 5 nights a week. After the holidays they cut us back to 1 day a week. Not good for bill paying. However blessing in disguise as I had to call 911 for my 83 yr. old mom. she ended up in e.r. unresponsive because her c02 level was 107 and it shouldn't be much over 40. COPD and Emphyzema. ouch. now she's home on hospice care and cannot breath w/o the BI pap (not C pap) machine. My older sister and I are pulling split shifts to care for her, with an occasional hospice visit. So after returning to AA meetings I am asking myself have I really hit bottom yet? and others tell me if I'm asking myself that then I probably haven't. This scares the $#@! outta me. I thought jail WAS my bottom. Now i'm not sure what to think or feel. I now fall into, not only the h a l t category but r i d as well... Hungry angry lonely tired restless irritable discontent. Dangerous mix for someone like me. I know I just need to get out of Gods way and let Him do his job, I thank God He is God and I am not, Prayers please for this very trying time in my life.
Hugzz Ladyhawk2339
12 Step Recovered Alcoholic
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 6,613
Hi Ladyhawk,
a few thoughts:
God can move mountains, but you better bring a shovel. He does for us what we can't do for ourselves. not what we can do.
How do you feel about the ABCs?
(a) That we were alcoholic and could not manage our own lives.
(b) That probably no human power could have relieved our alcoholism.
(c) That God could and would if He were sought.
Are you convinced?
a few thoughts:
God can move mountains, but you better bring a shovel. He does for us what we can't do for ourselves. not what we can do.
How do you feel about the ABCs?
(a) That we were alcoholic and could not manage our own lives.
(b) That probably no human power could have relieved our alcoholism.
(c) That God could and would if He were sought.
Are you convinced?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2017
Location: Midland, Mi.
Posts: 5
Thanks Mike and D,
I guess I never looked at it this way. I was stuck thinking if my life is this outta control that I couldn't control my bottom either, now I see that I can choose to not go any further down, just allow God to help me climb outta this hole and refuse to go down any further. Thanks. Blessings to you.
Ladyhawk2399
I guess I never looked at it this way. I was stuck thinking if my life is this outta control that I couldn't control my bottom either, now I see that I can choose to not go any further down, just allow God to help me climb outta this hole and refuse to go down any further. Thanks. Blessings to you.
Ladyhawk2399
Whatever it takes - just for today.
Join Date: Dec 2016
Location: Canberra, Australia
Posts: 200
Hi Ladyhawk,
Sounds like you've suffered enough? You CAN refuse to go down further, you don't have to follow this spiral to the very bottom
.
Here is a First Step prayer I like to use..
First Step Prayer
Dear Lord,
I admit that I am powerless over my addiction.
I admit that my life is unmanageable when I try to control it.
Help me this day to understand
The true meaning of powerlessness.
Remove from me all denial of my addiction.
Scruff
Sounds like you've suffered enough? You CAN refuse to go down further, you don't have to follow this spiral to the very bottom
.Here is a First Step prayer I like to use..
First Step Prayer
Dear Lord,
I admit that I am powerless over my addiction.
I admit that my life is unmanageable when I try to control it.
Help me this day to understand
The true meaning of powerlessness.
Remove from me all denial of my addiction.
Scruff
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2017
Location: Midland, Mi.
Posts: 5
Thank You.. I do not fear the light within me. I know others have seen it. I just got caught late in life in a bad spiral I never expected. learned that I was in fact pre disposed to alcoholism but my parents never talked about it. I remember dad coming home from work each night and having 2 beers to relax that was it. us girls NEVER saw him drunk. my mom did b 4 us girls were born and she told us about it. my aunt on my moms side was alcoholic. so I see now I probably got it from both sides and didn't know it.
Life was great except for 36 out of 44 yrs fighting tonic clonic psyco motor control simple partial complex seizures. I fought this for 36 years. flipped and rolled a full size Toyota Tundra. caved in the passenger side after gleaning sideways off an oak tree rolled once sideways then hit a curb and flipped end over end, and landed upright on all 3 wheels as I totally broke off the R front wheel and axel. and walked away. No not a seizure. No not drinking at the time. but was sent to U of M they found the problem in 2 days that no other doc could find in 36 years. I had brain surgery in 2011 for scar tissue and have been seizure free since. Gods Blessings have been upon me all my life. I can see now after 10 yrs of off n on binge drinking why I started. when I started but that invisible line eludes me. I guess not worry about when I crossed the line, nor worry about the past or future. Just live for Today. Thanks for your support. Hugzz... Ladyhawk
Life was great except for 36 out of 44 yrs fighting tonic clonic psyco motor control simple partial complex seizures. I fought this for 36 years. flipped and rolled a full size Toyota Tundra. caved in the passenger side after gleaning sideways off an oak tree rolled once sideways then hit a curb and flipped end over end, and landed upright on all 3 wheels as I totally broke off the R front wheel and axel. and walked away. No not a seizure. No not drinking at the time. but was sent to U of M they found the problem in 2 days that no other doc could find in 36 years. I had brain surgery in 2011 for scar tissue and have been seizure free since. Gods Blessings have been upon me all my life. I can see now after 10 yrs of off n on binge drinking why I started. when I started but that invisible line eludes me. I guess not worry about when I crossed the line, nor worry about the past or future. Just live for Today. Thanks for your support. Hugzz... Ladyhawk
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2017
Location: Midland, Mi.
Posts: 5
Greetings Scruff.
Am in need of encouragement.
I was an idiot recently after a meeting, the stinkin thinkin part of me that still exists was nagging at me. I have been off and on the wagon a little over 1 yr now. I know it took time to get this low and progress isn't overnight but dang.... The idiot in me said I was used to 4 25oz 5.9 alc bu vol beers per day. after 14 months clean and having fallen off a little, the idiot in me said I can try just ONE even if it's 2% alc by vol. NOPE. got home from my meeting that night and at the hand of my loving, accountable, older sister, I still blew a .02.
SO.. now the trust destroyed, my attempts to try have meant nothing to my sister now, my self worth is shot, I know the pity party side wants to kick in and I'm beating myself up more and more over being stupid.
I guess my ? is ... is this typical alcoholic thinking? that I could get away with even less % and just ONE? I have learned the hard way zero tolerance means ZERO for people like me. Just never thought it would be me. No different that having a deadly reaction to a bee sting.. If you were deathly allergic to bees you'd stay the Heck away from em..... Why can't I think of alcohol this way too? I'm Not allergic to bees but I know if I am allergic to alcohol like this it's just as, if not more deadly. A cunning, baffling and powerful, slow death. I need a hug.
Thanks for listening.
Ladyhawk
Am in need of encouragement.
I was an idiot recently after a meeting, the stinkin thinkin part of me that still exists was nagging at me. I have been off and on the wagon a little over 1 yr now. I know it took time to get this low and progress isn't overnight but dang.... The idiot in me said I was used to 4 25oz 5.9 alc bu vol beers per day. after 14 months clean and having fallen off a little, the idiot in me said I can try just ONE even if it's 2% alc by vol. NOPE. got home from my meeting that night and at the hand of my loving, accountable, older sister, I still blew a .02.
SO.. now the trust destroyed, my attempts to try have meant nothing to my sister now, my self worth is shot, I know the pity party side wants to kick in and I'm beating myself up more and more over being stupid.
I guess my ? is ... is this typical alcoholic thinking? that I could get away with even less % and just ONE? I have learned the hard way zero tolerance means ZERO for people like me. Just never thought it would be me. No different that having a deadly reaction to a bee sting.. If you were deathly allergic to bees you'd stay the Heck away from em..... Why can't I think of alcohol this way too? I'm Not allergic to bees but I know if I am allergic to alcohol like this it's just as, if not more deadly. A cunning, baffling and powerful, slow death. I need a hug.
Thanks for listening.
Ladyhawk
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