Love Hurts...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2017
Location: Midwest
Posts: 4
Love Hurts...
Call me Florence...
I'm 36 years old, and I got divorced some time ago. My ex-husband had some serious issues with binge drinking, which led to a DWI and an affair. I fought for - and won - primary custody of our two small children. Fourteen months ago, a mutual friend introduced me to someone I eventually fell in love with. Last night, we were having a serious conversation about the future of our relationship and I asked him what we were going to do. He told me that he's been hesitant to move things forward or make any kind of long-term commitment to me because he's an alcoholic. From what I'm able to discern, he's a high-functioning alcoholic. He doesn't wake up and drink, but the first thing he does after he gets home from work is to pour himself a drink. During our conversation, he told me that he drinks a fifth of whiskey every night. I had my suspicions he had some issues with alcohol, but he'll go a week or so without drinking every couple of months, and he continues to move forward in his profession, so I didn't think it was as big of an issue as what I've subsequently learned.
He doesn't have any of the "classic" signs of alcoholism either - he's never been aggressive or mean towards me, doesn't have legal or financial issues, and has a great set of family and friends, with whom he is very close. From what I can tell, his drive to drink stems from anxiety and stress (i.e. unable to shut his brain off) and to temper some kind of need he has to be "perfect" in every area of his life.
Last night, I listened to him, and I asked a few questions, but I told him that I needed some time to process what he told me and to determine what was best for me - and my children - before I made any decisions on how to move forward. I told him that, if I chose to stay with him, this choice would come with an ultimatum. Meaning that he would need to quit drinking and seek help for the alcoholism, and for the underlying psychological factors which seem to be driving his drinking. I know, as a basic matter, this is non-negotiable.
After reading quite a bit today, and from what my own personal experiences and education have taught me, I understand that alcoholism is a life-long struggle. I know there may (okay, there will likely) be relapses, and that there is nothing easy about recovery and abstinence.
The truth is, I just don't know what to do. I mean, on the one hand, I've got KIDS and we're not married. I mean, those two factors alone should send me running. Additionally, I don't know if he's ready to get treatment and from everything I've read, I guess that's not something that should be forced. Reading this back to myself now, it seems a lot more clear that I need to end things - and quickly - if he's unwilling to accept help. And maybe that's where I should start.
But, I do believe that he wants to enter recovery. Which, honestly, is the harder battle to fight for both of us. First of all, I don't know if we'll even love each other when he's sober, since that'll apparently be a first for us. This seems like a huge leap of faith. Plus, maintaining his sobriety will become the main focus of our relationship. And, assuming we "make" it though this, how could I ever leave him? I just don't know how I could do that to him.
The thing is, I love him. Very much. He's smart, kind, loyal, and honest (yeah, I know the whole "I'm an alcoholic" was not exactly brought up on our first date). I want(ed) to marry and spend the rest of my life with him. But, I just don't know where to start. I don't know what to do. And now, I feel sort of stuck - how can you leave someone you love when they're struggling with alcoholism?
I'm looking for input - and advice, truthfully. I don't think he'd blame me if I left, but I can't bear the thought of him drinking himself to death.
I'm 36 years old, and I got divorced some time ago. My ex-husband had some serious issues with binge drinking, which led to a DWI and an affair. I fought for - and won - primary custody of our two small children. Fourteen months ago, a mutual friend introduced me to someone I eventually fell in love with. Last night, we were having a serious conversation about the future of our relationship and I asked him what we were going to do. He told me that he's been hesitant to move things forward or make any kind of long-term commitment to me because he's an alcoholic. From what I'm able to discern, he's a high-functioning alcoholic. He doesn't wake up and drink, but the first thing he does after he gets home from work is to pour himself a drink. During our conversation, he told me that he drinks a fifth of whiskey every night. I had my suspicions he had some issues with alcohol, but he'll go a week or so without drinking every couple of months, and he continues to move forward in his profession, so I didn't think it was as big of an issue as what I've subsequently learned.
He doesn't have any of the "classic" signs of alcoholism either - he's never been aggressive or mean towards me, doesn't have legal or financial issues, and has a great set of family and friends, with whom he is very close. From what I can tell, his drive to drink stems from anxiety and stress (i.e. unable to shut his brain off) and to temper some kind of need he has to be "perfect" in every area of his life.
Last night, I listened to him, and I asked a few questions, but I told him that I needed some time to process what he told me and to determine what was best for me - and my children - before I made any decisions on how to move forward. I told him that, if I chose to stay with him, this choice would come with an ultimatum. Meaning that he would need to quit drinking and seek help for the alcoholism, and for the underlying psychological factors which seem to be driving his drinking. I know, as a basic matter, this is non-negotiable.
After reading quite a bit today, and from what my own personal experiences and education have taught me, I understand that alcoholism is a life-long struggle. I know there may (okay, there will likely) be relapses, and that there is nothing easy about recovery and abstinence.
The truth is, I just don't know what to do. I mean, on the one hand, I've got KIDS and we're not married. I mean, those two factors alone should send me running. Additionally, I don't know if he's ready to get treatment and from everything I've read, I guess that's not something that should be forced. Reading this back to myself now, it seems a lot more clear that I need to end things - and quickly - if he's unwilling to accept help. And maybe that's where I should start.
But, I do believe that he wants to enter recovery. Which, honestly, is the harder battle to fight for both of us. First of all, I don't know if we'll even love each other when he's sober, since that'll apparently be a first for us. This seems like a huge leap of faith. Plus, maintaining his sobriety will become the main focus of our relationship. And, assuming we "make" it though this, how could I ever leave him? I just don't know how I could do that to him.
The thing is, I love him. Very much. He's smart, kind, loyal, and honest (yeah, I know the whole "I'm an alcoholic" was not exactly brought up on our first date). I want(ed) to marry and spend the rest of my life with him. But, I just don't know where to start. I don't know what to do. And now, I feel sort of stuck - how can you leave someone you love when they're struggling with alcoholism?
I'm looking for input - and advice, truthfully. I don't think he'd blame me if I left, but I can't bear the thought of him drinking himself to death.
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Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: America
Posts: 4,136
Welcome to SR, Florence.
I personally believe that drinking a 5th of whiskey a night is a 'classic' sign of alcoholism. I don't know how many years he's done that. But, that's a pretty significant amount. I don't know how old he is, but alcoholism is progressive. His body, his mind, his relationships, his career, his personality, his health might be okay now, but given time...it's hard to say how it will go. Some heavy drinkers can drink heavy for years and they have an amazing constitution you wonder why they aren't having more health problems than they do-they don't miss work, they aren't stuck in bed sick, etc....but, things could start to spiral downward.
If there is something inside you now sending off even an inkling of warning bells, I'd pay very close heed. I know it's very very tough when you are in love with someone to look at it sort of "clinically". When you are in love with someone you just love them and want to be with them and it's hard to NOT be in denial about the problems that are there.
Is he aware that there is help--therapy, self-help books, medications, support groups, etc. to treat this mind-thing he has? It sounds like he is currently self-medicating with alcohol. And, alcohol is a pretty crappy med.
I personally believe that drinking a 5th of whiskey a night is a 'classic' sign of alcoholism. I don't know how many years he's done that. But, that's a pretty significant amount. I don't know how old he is, but alcoholism is progressive. His body, his mind, his relationships, his career, his personality, his health might be okay now, but given time...it's hard to say how it will go. Some heavy drinkers can drink heavy for years and they have an amazing constitution you wonder why they aren't having more health problems than they do-they don't miss work, they aren't stuck in bed sick, etc....but, things could start to spiral downward.
If there is something inside you now sending off even an inkling of warning bells, I'd pay very close heed. I know it's very very tough when you are in love with someone to look at it sort of "clinically". When you are in love with someone you just love them and want to be with them and it's hard to NOT be in denial about the problems that are there.
Is he aware that there is help--therapy, self-help books, medications, support groups, etc. to treat this mind-thing he has? It sounds like he is currently self-medicating with alcohol. And, alcohol is a pretty crappy med.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: New Orleans, LA
Posts: 985
To be honest, it sounds (under your words) that this brought up many very substantial fears for you.
They say "when someone tells you something about themselves, believe them."
He wasn't "discovered." He is warning you - very openly & honorably.
What you decide to do with that information is fully up to you, but he didn't tell you that he was unsure, or that he was a heavy drinker. He self-identified as an alcoholic. That means that it worries him to get more deeply involved also.
Do you need an intended future of partnership? Would you be content to keep it where it is right now? People do quit & recover, but it is a long & challenging road.
Not impossible, but it would take a lot of dedication & understanding on both sides. Does he even want to?
The only personal experience I can share is that some of us attract more than one alcoholic/addict in a lifetime. I have wondered at this phenomenon in my own life. Irregardless of your ultimate choice, your first responsibility will be in maintaining equilibrium for your children. If you go deeper, leaving if things aren't right will become that much harder. If you take this on, you will have to be very very attentive & willing to call it quickly...
They say "when someone tells you something about themselves, believe them."
He wasn't "discovered." He is warning you - very openly & honorably.
What you decide to do with that information is fully up to you, but he didn't tell you that he was unsure, or that he was a heavy drinker. He self-identified as an alcoholic. That means that it worries him to get more deeply involved also.
Do you need an intended future of partnership? Would you be content to keep it where it is right now? People do quit & recover, but it is a long & challenging road.
Not impossible, but it would take a lot of dedication & understanding on both sides. Does he even want to?
The only personal experience I can share is that some of us attract more than one alcoholic/addict in a lifetime. I have wondered at this phenomenon in my own life. Irregardless of your ultimate choice, your first responsibility will be in maintaining equilibrium for your children. If you go deeper, leaving if things aren't right will become that much harder. If you take this on, you will have to be very very attentive & willing to call it quickly...
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: New Orleans, LA
Posts: 985
Ps. We have a "family & friends of alcoholics" forum here that you may find to be a very supportive community as you move through this deciding...
Scroll down from newcomers, it's partway down...
Scroll down from newcomers, it's partway down...
Member
Join Date: Dec 2016
Location: Somewhere
Posts: 130
I think you should put the relationship on hiatus while he get's this sorted out, you don't have to end it but you want to avoid getting further in. If he get's sober he's about to go on a life changing journey where he will not be the same person at the end. You may or may not want to be around that person.
Your primary responsibility is to yourself and your kids; pitching yourself into a relationship with an alcoholic who doesn't quit is very bad. If he can do 12 months sober then I think you can reevaluate and maybe move forwards but otherwise you are making beds in a burning building.
Also there an alcoholic is an alcoholic , there is no "high-functioning", "low-functioning", it always gets worse, and if you keep going everyone ends up at the bottom. I kidded myself for years I didn't have a problem because I wasn't a down and out and wasn't drink driving and was holding down my job; all just lies to enable me to keep drinking. The struggle I've had staying sober for 6 weeks has shown me just how "in control" I was.
Look after yourself and your kids first and help others when and if you can.
Your primary responsibility is to yourself and your kids; pitching yourself into a relationship with an alcoholic who doesn't quit is very bad. If he can do 12 months sober then I think you can reevaluate and maybe move forwards but otherwise you are making beds in a burning building.
Also there an alcoholic is an alcoholic , there is no "high-functioning", "low-functioning", it always gets worse, and if you keep going everyone ends up at the bottom. I kidded myself for years I didn't have a problem because I wasn't a down and out and wasn't drink driving and was holding down my job; all just lies to enable me to keep drinking. The struggle I've had staying sober for 6 weeks has shown me just how "in control" I was.
Look after yourself and your kids first and help others when and if you can.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2017
Location: Midwest
Posts: 4
Thank You
I want to thank each and every one of you who wrote to me. For being non-judgmental, and couching some really harsh realities in kind words. This is exactly the place that I want to be right now as I work through things and try to figure out what is best for me and my kids.
I'm going to move over to the Friends & Family forum, since I've got more to share. So, thank you as well for pointing me in the right direction.
I'm going to move over to the Friends & Family forum, since I've got more to share. So, thank you as well for pointing me in the right direction.
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