UKH

Hi All

Really got some sound advice last time I posted on here. Much insight, thanks, I needed it.

Ok new problem noticed a change in him since Xmas. Told me he had found Xmas really, really hard ( was away with his Family ).
Came home but was quiet. Seemed very uptight, only seen him once this month, contact miminal to say the least.

Didn't want to smother him so sent the odd message, always responded.
Then he rang me out of the blue, be ok to start & then came out with he had, had to find an AA meeting during his lunch hour at work.
Said he just needed to sit & listen. Obviously showed my concern, 'here if you want to talk', word's that I know he appreciates from me ( knows I do not judge him at all ).
Since that conversation over a week ago, not spoke since.
I rang him 3 day's ago, went to answer machine.
Sent him a message, I have learnt to be very subtle with what I write
( there's no pressure put on him ).
He responds 20 mins later,

'Yeah I'm having a bit of a hard time at the moment. It's not that I can't be arsed, I just isolate myself sometimes. I don't mean to be unfair with u, I'm just trying to deal with a few things x'

Wrote a thoughtful reply back ( again no pressure ).

Thanks Louise x

Can some of you please tell me do you go into these types of phases if something is triggered ?
Shut off totally. Do I stay quiet & wait to hear ( if i hear ) when he's ready ?
Am I being blown-off ?
Does this type of thing happen often ?
Any idea how long these 'isolatations' go on for ?

He still as his sponsor & sponsor's two people himself.

I'm totally lost here.
Your insight will help me greatly, thank you xx

AnvilheadII

so he SAID he's going thru some stuff and tends to isolate.

your prior and only other thread here had the same theme......he doesn't show you the attention and affection YOU want.

and he still doesn't.

instead of trying to pin that on something, maybe this is just how he is? can you just accept that and let it be?

UKH

Hiya

Thanks for your reply. No things got better on his part ( a lot )

then here he goes again, either he is messed up in his head (******)

Wasn't just booze, over 20 yrs of coke too so maybe now is the time to
clear off for good.

I have more than once said, 'I don't have a problem being a mate' he say's he wants more so gord knows.

Appreciate reply

UKH

OMG he as just messaged me, wtf.
Come on you's know so much more than me.

'Sorry haven't been around, I go off but I will come back when my head's in a better place' ?????

Any enlightment there please

Anna

I'm sorry for your situation. What do you want from the relationship? You said things got better and then got worse again and he is isolating again. Is this alright with you or do you want something more in a relationship? I hope that you can find some peace.

UKH

Oh second one, 'thanks for the way you understand me, not many people do,
can we get together ?

I'm all over the place. seriously I honestly think he need's mental-health help ( I've had that for myself through trauma ) really help's. Will he be offended if I tell him I think he needs that extra help

BrendaChenowyth

Who is this person to you? It doesn't sound like it's someone you live with.

AnvilheadII

you think he needs mental help because WHY again? he's just not in a very good place right now. PEOPLE are like that.....without it having to be blamed on a condition.

we can't possibly dissect or diagnose what anyone means in a text. you seem to be letting this upset YOU an awful lot.........maybe look to your own well being first?

ScottFromWI

I'd suggest a face to face conversation with this person about some of the issues you bring up and an honest discussion about what your relationship is and should be.

UKH

Hi Anna, hope you are keeping well x

that's the exact question i'm asking myself, 'what do I want from the relationship'.

I feel his head is so damaged from over 20 yrs of drugs & booze that he does struggle far more than I could of realized.

Did ask 2 of his AA mates about isolating himself & they said 'oh yeah, he does it once in a while, we used to it'.

Great!!!

UKH

No I've had mental health problems, got the right help!!! More I get to know him, more its obvious issues are deep & seems that he wants to tell me something so bad but then clams up ( I've been there, I do know some signs of when a person is more than just in a bad place) blimley if I didn't care then i wouldn't be asking for some HELP.

UKH

No, don't live together. Got enough family who live with me xx

UKH

Hiya Scott,

Been trying to do that. I know there's something he's wanting to tell me,
what that is, maybe one day I shall find out ay xxthanks

ScottFromWI

I guess i'd ask what it is you are looking for from a recovery forum then.

If you know he's avoidant and you are OK with that, I'm unclear what it is you are actually asking for?

tomsteve

and one day you may not find out.
I hope youre not feeling you can rescue him

AnvilheadII

I know there's something he's wanting to tell me

curious how you KNOW this? and what exactly are you hoping for here on a recovery forum? we don't have a special decoder ring. nor can we read minds.

perhaps YOU are making WAY more out of this than there is........and maybe he is trying to avoid that.......nicely

UKH

YES I know there is ok

So you've never clammed up when your about to spill your beans about something ( good on ya if you said what you needed too )

Why the hell you think I ended up where I did ( through clamming up!!! ) because I said nothing

Reason I'm asking on here is because I was hoping that maybe when he was doing all that he was for many years, that he feels too ashamed/embrassed about to tell me but I want to find a way to tell him, just get it out, whatever it is. Sure some of you may of been in this situation not wanting to tell new Partner some of the parts in your pass.
So don't take offence, I'm not a bitch or nasty to anyone!!!

UKH

No most definitely not trying to rescue him ( that's for him to keep his recovery up ) I respect meetings he goes too twice a week, people he sponsors, etc.

and yep maybe one day I wont.

Time will tell xx

UKH

Just wrote a part about your question further down Scott.

daisy1

After reading your post I thougt to myself 'hmmm, he has done something'. No idea what, and I am very cynical and don't trust men so hopefully im wrong and he is just in his man cave til he feels better.