He's 5 yrs 6 months into his recovery. Couple time's now just isolates himself (which is fine)
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
Maybe just take him at his word. Sounds like he's just feeling a bit down, trying to work the program but finding it hard to apply the principles at the moment. When we get in that kind of funk it's easy to start isolating and when we recognise that we have to seek out more meetings and be with people who get it and can give us a gentle (or not so gentle) kick up the proverbial. Sounds like that's what he's trying to do.
I'm just back from a meeting. I went there feeling a bit of a failure because I've felt like things were getting to me the last couple of weeks. Mostly work, and hormones and a church 'thing'. Nothing major and I feel like I can't be working my program properly if those things are getting to me. Spoke to at least a dozen people tonight over coffee who are experiencing the exact same thing. Apparently January is bad for it for a lot of us (not just alcoholics ) for various reasons. Anyway. Hopefully my partner and family aren't driving themselves bonkers trying to figure out the deep and meaningful behind my current funk. It's just a low period. We have to get through those to get to the high points I suppose. Hopefully he'll feel better soon. I'd suggest just leaving him to it now you've reassured him that you're there if he wants to talk. Don't take it personally if he does that talking to other alcoholics at meetings. It's just easier to not have to explain our crazy thinking to people, and because other Alcoholics in recovery just get it, the chat can be just that. A chat then move on to something else. If we talked to normies about this stuff we'd worry them to bits unnecessarily !
Take care of yourself in the meantime. Maybe catch up with other friends and have yourself some fun. He'll shout when he feels capable of being sociable no doubt.
I'm just back from a meeting. I went there feeling a bit of a failure because I've felt like things were getting to me the last couple of weeks. Mostly work, and hormones and a church 'thing'. Nothing major and I feel like I can't be working my program properly if those things are getting to me. Spoke to at least a dozen people tonight over coffee who are experiencing the exact same thing. Apparently January is bad for it for a lot of us (not just alcoholics ) for various reasons. Anyway. Hopefully my partner and family aren't driving themselves bonkers trying to figure out the deep and meaningful behind my current funk. It's just a low period. We have to get through those to get to the high points I suppose. Hopefully he'll feel better soon. I'd suggest just leaving him to it now you've reassured him that you're there if he wants to talk. Don't take it personally if he does that talking to other alcoholics at meetings. It's just easier to not have to explain our crazy thinking to people, and because other Alcoholics in recovery just get it, the chat can be just that. A chat then move on to something else. If we talked to normies about this stuff we'd worry them to bits unnecessarily !
Take care of yourself in the meantime. Maybe catch up with other friends and have yourself some fun. He'll shout when he feels capable of being sociable no doubt.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
PS Did you check out those AlAnon or CoDa meetings in the end? I really think they would help you to understand a bit more about alcoholism and recovery, and support you in not letting his alcoholic weirdness of mood and way of dealing with life (haha - maybe I'm just talking about myself here) affect you negatively. It'd give you a chance to talk through the conflicting feelings you have for him and about your relationship as well. Not necessarily as part of the meeting if you'd prefer not to speak in front of a group, but over coffee in the break, one-to-one with others who have been through or are going through the same kind of thing that you are.
BB x
BB x
Member
Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: Australia
Posts: 1,499
Hi there UKH. This interested me, so I went back to read your other thread. I think you received some great advice here and on your other thread. A few people said that this is not so much a question about recovery or alcoholism, it's a romantic issue. I agree.
I'm weighing in because I think I might have some advice to offer. In the words of the late great Mary Tyler Moore: I've been around. Well, all right, maybe not around, but I've been ... nearby.
Your story sounds so much like one my girlfriends would come tell me, or I would go tell my girlfriends. "I really like this guy, we've been seeing each other for a few months, and he seems keen, but I feel like I'm the one doing all the initiating. I give him lots of space, but he's pulling away a bit lately etc. etc. etc."
And over time, I have developed a philosophy around this.
Chiefly, I have found that, a lot of times in life, especially with romantic relationships of the heterosexual kind, cliches are true.
Cliche No 1: He's pretty happy with things in general but you're making it really easy for him. I'm not talking about sex per se, but just how available you are, how understanding and reasonable you are being. He knows he has you, whenever he wants.
Cliche No 2: He's male. Males like a challenge. You are not, currently, presenting a challenge.
Cliche No 3: Related to Cliche No 2, men like women who give them a bit of a tough time. Heck, some of them even expect it. You know that guy who complains about how he's got to report to the girlfriend, or toe the line because of the Missus... he's acting like it's such a hardship but that guy actually secretly likes it. Your fella on the other hand has not been conditioned in your relationship that he has to be a lot more attentive to you. (You know that Billy Joel song "Tell her about it"? Most guys have not received that memo.)
So the solution is actually yet another cliche. Be a lot tougher. Stop returning those texts and calls straightaway. Don't return some of them, in fact. Make this fella recognise he has a great understanding woman and if he doesn't get his act together he is going to lose her.
My apologies for the really old fashioned advice and if I've offended anyone with it.
You sound like a very nice lady who has done a lot of work on herself. You like this guy, that is understood (we have all been there) but you are making a lot of excuses for him.
You are worth getting tough for yourself on this.
I'm weighing in because I think I might have some advice to offer. In the words of the late great Mary Tyler Moore: I've been around. Well, all right, maybe not around, but I've been ... nearby.
Your story sounds so much like one my girlfriends would come tell me, or I would go tell my girlfriends. "I really like this guy, we've been seeing each other for a few months, and he seems keen, but I feel like I'm the one doing all the initiating. I give him lots of space, but he's pulling away a bit lately etc. etc. etc."
And over time, I have developed a philosophy around this.
Chiefly, I have found that, a lot of times in life, especially with romantic relationships of the heterosexual kind, cliches are true.
Cliche No 1: He's pretty happy with things in general but you're making it really easy for him. I'm not talking about sex per se, but just how available you are, how understanding and reasonable you are being. He knows he has you, whenever he wants.
Cliche No 2: He's male. Males like a challenge. You are not, currently, presenting a challenge.
Cliche No 3: Related to Cliche No 2, men like women who give them a bit of a tough time. Heck, some of them even expect it. You know that guy who complains about how he's got to report to the girlfriend, or toe the line because of the Missus... he's acting like it's such a hardship but that guy actually secretly likes it. Your fella on the other hand has not been conditioned in your relationship that he has to be a lot more attentive to you. (You know that Billy Joel song "Tell her about it"? Most guys have not received that memo.)
So the solution is actually yet another cliche. Be a lot tougher. Stop returning those texts and calls straightaway. Don't return some of them, in fact. Make this fella recognise he has a great understanding woman and if he doesn't get his act together he is going to lose her.
My apologies for the really old fashioned advice and if I've offended anyone with it.
You sound like a very nice lady who has done a lot of work on herself. You like this guy, that is understood (we have all been there) but you are making a lot of excuses for him.
You are worth getting tough for yourself on this.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2016
Posts: 37
Originally Posted by daisy1 
After reading your post I thougt to myself 'hmmm, he has done something'. No idea what, and I am very cynical and don't trust men so hopefully im wrong and he is just in his man cave til he feels better.
Yep I've been there too my lovely. Man cave yes.
Sorted it all out today & in a much better place now for both of us.
Stay safe &
xx
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2016
Posts: 37
Originally Posted by Berrybean
Maybe just take him at his word. Sounds like he's just feeling a bit down, trying to work the program but finding it hard to apply the principles at the moment. When we get in that kind of funk it's easy to start isolating and when we recognise that we have to seek out more meetings and be with people who get it and can give us a gentle (or not so gentle) kick up the proverbial. Sounds like that's what he's trying to do.
I'm just back from a meeting. I went there feeling a bit of a failure because I've felt like things were getting to me the last couple of weeks. Mostly work, and hormones and a church 'thing'. Nothing major and I feel like I can't be working my program properly if those things are getting to me. Spoke to at least a dozen people tonight over coffee who are experiencing the exact same thing. Apparently January is bad for it for a lot of us (not just alcoholics ) for various reasons. Anyway. Hopefully my partner and family aren't driving themselves bonkers trying to figure out the deep and meaningful behind my current funk. It's just a low period. We have to get through those to get to the high points I suppose. Hopefully he'll feel better soon. I'd suggest just leaving him to it now you've reassured him that you're there if he wants to talk. Don't take it personally if he does that talking to other alcoholics at meetings. It's just easier to not have to explain our crazy thinking to people, and because other Alcoholics in recovery just get it, the chat can be just that. A chat then move on to something else. If we talked to normies about this stuff we'd worry them to bits unnecessarily !
Take care of yourself in the meantime. Maybe catch up with other friends and have yourself some fun. He'll shout when he feels capable of being sociable no doubt.
I'm just back from a meeting. I went there feeling a bit of a failure because I've felt like things were getting to me the last couple of weeks. Mostly work, and hormones and a church 'thing'. Nothing major and I feel like I can't be working my program properly if those things are getting to me. Spoke to at least a dozen people tonight over coffee who are experiencing the exact same thing. Apparently January is bad for it for a lot of us (not just alcoholics ) for various reasons. Anyway. Hopefully my partner and family aren't driving themselves bonkers trying to figure out the deep and meaningful behind my current funk. It's just a low period. We have to get through those to get to the high points I suppose. Hopefully he'll feel better soon. I'd suggest just leaving him to it now you've reassured him that you're there if he wants to talk. Don't take it personally if he does that talking to other alcoholics at meetings. It's just easier to not have to explain our crazy thinking to people, and because other Alcoholics in recovery just get it, the chat can be just that. A chat then move on to something else. If we talked to normies about this stuff we'd worry them to bits unnecessarily !
Take care of yourself in the meantime. Maybe catch up with other friends and have yourself some fun. He'll shout when he feels capable of being sociable no doubt.
Good to hear from you & your doing so well x.
Seen & spoken a whole lot today. Yep just about all that you have said above as been what I could see in him. ( now we've talked so straight forward at last )
So much more he hasn't dealt with yet. Best support I can be is there but in the Friend zone way which even I know is the best way forward.
Going to concentrate on getting the right help for him.
Always have had my Friends close by & great Family.
Take very good care of yourself &
xx
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2016
Posts: 37
Originally Posted by MissPerfumado
Hi there UKH. This interested me, so I went back to read your other thread. I think you received some great advice here and on your other thread. A few people said that this is not so much a question about recovery or alcoholism, it's a romantic issue. I agree.
I'm weighing in because I think I might have some advice to offer. In the words of the late great Mary Tyler Moore: I've been around. Well, all right, maybe not around, but I've been ... nearby.
Your story sounds so much like one my girlfriends would come tell me, or I would go tell my girlfriends. "I really like this guy, we've been seeing each other for a few months, and he seems keen, but I feel like I'm the one doing all the initiating. I give him lots of space, but he's pulling away a bit lately etc. etc. etc."
And over time, I have developed a philosophy around this.
Chiefly, I have found that, a lot of times in life, especially with romantic relationships of the heterosexual kind, cliches are true.
Cliche No 1: He's pretty happy with things in general but you're making it really easy for him. I'm not talking about sex per se, but just how available you are, how understanding and reasonable you are being. He knows he has you, whenever he wants.
Cliche No 2: He's male. Males like a challenge. You are not, currently, presenting a challenge.
Cliche No 3: Related to Cliche No 2, men like women who give them a bit of a tough time. Heck, some of them even expect it. You know that guy who complains about how he's got to report to the girlfriend, or toe the line because of the Missus... he's acting like it's such a hardship but that guy actually secretly likes it. Your fella on the other hand has not been conditioned in your relationship that he has to be a lot more attentive to you. (You know that Billy Joel song "Tell her about it"? Most guys have not received that memo.)
So the solution is actually yet another cliche. Be a lot tougher. Stop returning those texts and calls straightaway. Don't return some of them, in fact. Make this fella recognise he has a great understanding woman and if he doesn't get his act together he is going to lose her.
My apologies for the really old fashioned advice and if I've offended anyone with it.
You sound like a very nice lady who has done a lot of work on herself. You like this guy, that is understood (we have all been there) but you are making a lot of excuses for him.
You are worth getting tough for yourself on this.
I'm weighing in because I think I might have some advice to offer. In the words of the late great Mary Tyler Moore: I've been around. Well, all right, maybe not around, but I've been ... nearby.
Your story sounds so much like one my girlfriends would come tell me, or I would go tell my girlfriends. "I really like this guy, we've been seeing each other for a few months, and he seems keen, but I feel like I'm the one doing all the initiating. I give him lots of space, but he's pulling away a bit lately etc. etc. etc."
And over time, I have developed a philosophy around this.
Chiefly, I have found that, a lot of times in life, especially with romantic relationships of the heterosexual kind, cliches are true.
Cliche No 1: He's pretty happy with things in general but you're making it really easy for him. I'm not talking about sex per se, but just how available you are, how understanding and reasonable you are being. He knows he has you, whenever he wants.
Cliche No 2: He's male. Males like a challenge. You are not, currently, presenting a challenge.
Cliche No 3: Related to Cliche No 2, men like women who give them a bit of a tough time. Heck, some of them even expect it. You know that guy who complains about how he's got to report to the girlfriend, or toe the line because of the Missus... he's acting like it's such a hardship but that guy actually secretly likes it. Your fella on the other hand has not been conditioned in your relationship that he has to be a lot more attentive to you. (You know that Billy Joel song "Tell her about it"? Most guys have not received that memo.)
So the solution is actually yet another cliche. Be a lot tougher. Stop returning those texts and calls straightaway. Don't return some of them, in fact. Make this fella recognise he has a great understanding woman and if he doesn't get his act together he is going to lose her.
My apologies for the really old fashioned advice and if I've offended anyone with it.
You sound like a very nice lady who has done a lot of work on herself. You like this guy, that is understood (we have all been there) but you are making a lot of excuses for him.
You are worth getting tough for yourself on this.
Thanks so much for your wonderfully put together note. Most appreciated x.
Friend's is the way forward. No wasn't another woman involved but been there!
My nature is a caring one, no matter who the person is. Not going to change that about myself ever.
Take care
xx
Member
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: MN
Posts: 8,704
I typically dont' like to comment on relationships, but as a guy I can say this; I require time to myself. When I do, I am not trying to make a point or send any signals, I just simply need me time every day to sort out my thoughts. Occasionally it drives my wife nuts, but we've been together now 13 years and she's gotten used to it (or accepts it).
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2016
Posts: 37
Originally Posted by thomas11
I typically dont' like to comment on relationships, but as a guy I can say this; I require time to myself. When I do, I am not trying to make a point or send any signals, I just simply need me time every day to sort out my thoughts. Occasionally it drives my wife nuts, but we've been together now 13 years and she's gotten used to it (or accepts it).
Good you putting in your comment. Sure Ladies reading this will appreciate your input.
Take care xx
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2016
Posts: 37
Originally Posted by Berrybean
PS Did you check out those AlAnon or CoDa meetings in the end? I really think they would help you to understand a bit more about alcoholism and recovery, and support you in not letting his alcoholic weirdness of mood and way of dealing with life (haha - maybe I'm just talking about myself here) affect you negatively. It'd give you a chance to talk through the conflicting feelings you have for him and about your relationship as well. Not necessarily as part of the meeting if you'd prefer not to speak in front of a group, but over coffee in the break, one-to-one with others who have been through or are going through the same kind of thing that you are.
BB x
BB x
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
