treading water
 

After struggling with alcoholism since my mid 20's I finally got something in my late 40's. I'd lost my family and had, again, nothing except a want to stop drinking.

I booked myself into a dry house and went to 3 meetings a day for 30 days. I then binged continuously for 6 months and then stopped. I drank again in about 2008 for one day and nothing since.

My kids and I get on well. I've rebuilt a reasonably meaningful life.

I've read what I wrote years ago and can't identify with it.

I think what's happening is that I'm angry and always have been and I've kept that and people away by a kind of dry factual honesty exterior that says nothing about the inner me.

That's how I've been doing the honesty bit of the program. Treading water.

What now? :abcd:

Hi grymt :)

I think it's important to work out where that anger comes from so you can do something about it.

Are you open to the idea of counselling/therapy?

Wearing a mask as protection, difficulty in really communicating, and a kind of mental standoffedness is something I think a lot of us can identify with too.

I didn't have much counselling but I had enough to identity the issues and give me a kickstart.

D

Hi Dee, yes. I've been seeing a councilor for a few years now .

To start with it was all about my anxiety level. Now having brought that down without medication, with new habits and a diet change I find anger.

Congratutions on 8/9 years sobriety Grymt, that at least is nothing to be angry about.

Perhaps with the aid of your counsellor you will identify the cause of you anger and will be able to move on, or at the very least, rationalize it. Good luck and don't be too hard on yourself

Thank you. Funny thing is I feel anger about that too. :headbange

It's like a general pool of anger underlying everything. I try not to direct it at anyone and I instead direct it at myself which has in the past led to drinking.

Gr- I can relate to treading water. Stuff does not happen by osmosis to'get better' for me. Hard work does not always give a rewarding pay off either. I just continually write stuff down- a non lethal bucket list. Some things I try (new stuff) some advice from counselling clicks. Same with AA/SMART. People say 'all you have to do is change your thinking and the world is yours!'.
I just keep trying and looking and thinking. The fact I am aware of treading water and actively trying to tackle it means I make slow progress.
Keep on, keeping on.

Hi, I just want to make a comment about a peripheral benefit I've experienced as a result of participating on this forum.

When I'm just by myself I'm more easily swayed by the interests of others. Just by spending the last couple of days on this forum I found the confidence and clarity to negotiate a position more beneficial to myself than I would have otherwise.

Part of that means maybe letting go of an expectation and it's that letting go that's difficult. It's scary. Not becuse the outcome is objectively something to be scared of but because for me letting go is nervewracking in general.

It's like moving out of a comfort zone that while not necessarly good for me at least it is known.

It's entering unknown territory. Hey, it's a bit of an adventure. It's been a long time.

Thank you all.

yep me too

Interesting. That led to a near panic attack! I started eating out of control, realised what I was doing. White knuckled for a while and am settling now.

That's what could have led me to relapse in the past. Not now though. Somehow I seem to have broken the back on the craving. Now I've got to allow myself to take risks and to deal with the consequences as I've been learning during my sober times.

I think I needed to wrap myself in a cocoon of no problems to solve for a few years to get here. Gotta be gentle with myself.

Thanks again.