New to this
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2017
Posts: 3
New to this
But I am so glad I found it. My ah doesn't like me to use social media or anything near it. But I had to do something being a wife in this situation is hard and feels like no one truely understands. There are so many questions I've had that have already been answered on here, it's like people were reading my mind. So whoever thought of this system online.... Thank you because not everyone has time and resources for meetings in person.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2017
Posts: 3
That he is. So question for you or anyone willing to answer. I haven't found an answer on here quite related. But we have had big signs of him having an alcohol problem for a long while now but just keep pushing it away for example, outrages (throwing or breaking things), peeing wherever he lands (or sleepwalks to) just about once a week if not more, belittling me in arguments because he feels threatened when I mention his drinking, rational behavior. Etc. But this past year has been hell and an eye opener for me. I left him for a week a year ago and that was a big showdown of course but my condition for coming back was for him to get help (I've attended counseling and taken meds for depression for about 2 years now) we went to marriage counseling maybe 4 times and he attended aa once (said it wasn't for him because everyone that was there was way worse than him) well it has gotten worse even since then. I've about had my fair share of catering to him and his needs when he has no desire to move foward in his life and our marriage. So I have written him a letter to summarize what's going through my mind and what has been the past year.... I am going to give it to him in a month or so... An ultimatum, if you will. Bad idea or no?
Canine Welfare Advocate
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
Posts: 10,962
Sorry for what brings you here. Have you seen the Friends and Family of Alcoholics forum?
Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
Lots of folks who have been right where you are. As the alcoholic in my marriage, I would say, don't make an ultimatum unless you are willing to follow through with it. And what is your ultimatum? That you'll leave it he doesn't get sober?
If you've had enough of his drinking, just leave. Threats, ultimatums, they won't get your husband sober. He may toe the line for a little bit to keep you mollified, but is pattern is he's going to drink and doesn't think he needs recovery. Until he recognizes that he needs to get sober, for himself, he won't.
Again, visit the forum for Friends and Family, they can support and guide you to take care of the one person you can change...yourself.
Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
Lots of folks who have been right where you are. As the alcoholic in my marriage, I would say, don't make an ultimatum unless you are willing to follow through with it. And what is your ultimatum? That you'll leave it he doesn't get sober?
If you've had enough of his drinking, just leave. Threats, ultimatums, they won't get your husband sober. He may toe the line for a little bit to keep you mollified, but is pattern is he's going to drink and doesn't think he needs recovery. Until he recognizes that he needs to get sober, for himself, he won't.
Again, visit the forum for Friends and Family, they can support and guide you to take care of the one person you can change...yourself.
I could see peace instead of this
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Canada, eh
Posts: 2,360
Welcome to SR, Scooterbelle!
What Carl said.
I've been on both sides of the fence. I know for myself that I never got sober for anyone or anything until the consequences of my drinking got so painful that I couldn't stand it anymore.
As for having an alcoholic partner, there was nothing I could do to get him sober when he didn't want it. Even leaving him didn't help. He sort of tried to stop drinking after I left the first time, but he didn't really want to and went back to it not long after I took him back.
It has to be their choice. All I could do at that point was look after my own well-being. This is a good place to start. There's lots of information and support here for you.
What Carl said.
I've been on both sides of the fence. I know for myself that I never got sober for anyone or anything until the consequences of my drinking got so painful that I couldn't stand it anymore.
As for having an alcoholic partner, there was nothing I could do to get him sober when he didn't want it. Even leaving him didn't help. He sort of tried to stop drinking after I left the first time, but he didn't really want to and went back to it not long after I took him back.
It has to be their choice. All I could do at that point was look after my own well-being. This is a good place to start. There's lots of information and support here for you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2017
Posts: 3
Thank you Carl and madbird. I was hoping I could use the ultimatum, we have been together for 9 years and have a dd together. I certainly don't want her to grow up like I did (alcoholic and verbally abusive father and drained low self esteemed mother) thanks for the advice and I will check out that forum. 
Guest
Join Date: Nov 2016
Location: East of Eden
Posts: 420
I was in total denial of my alcoholism for a long time. Your husband probably is too. It comes with the disease. My hope for you would be for you to find the courage to follow your heart and take care of yourself and child. .... if that means changing your family situation to do it, then so be it. These things are never easy, but you shouldn't have to go thru life miserable and walking on egg shells, catering to someone's alcoholism. Maybe he needs to hit a hard bottom to understand how his drinking is not just effecting himself.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,469
Welcome and I'm glad you found us.
If you give your husband an ultimatum, be sure you are ready and willing to act on it. Otherwise, it will have no meaning for either of you. I hope you continue to read and post.
If you give your husband an ultimatum, be sure you are ready and willing to act on it. Otherwise, it will have no meaning for either of you. I hope you continue to read and post.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
